Chapter 5
A big thank you to all my wonderful reviewers! I'm really happy that you liked this story so far! I hope you all had a great Christmas!
Now I'm quite curious what you will think about this chapter. I think it's a bit different from what you might expect…
With a last contemptuous glare, Peter stormed off.
Edmund however didn't notice any of it. He didn't notice the rain anymore or the lightning flashing across the sky, he didn't notice the cold wind whipping around him, and he also didn't notice as he sagged to the ground bonelessly.
He was empty, yet so filled to the brim with emotions that it felt as if he was slowly suffocating. It wasn't possible. It simply wasn't possible! The last few minutes had not happened, surely he must've imagined it! His brother hadn't just said that…
His mind shied away in a desperate attempt to protect itself, but it was useless. Edmund started shaking, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't move. Everything inside him had shut down in shock. There was only one sentence in his head, circling around, becoming louder and louder until it filled his whole being.
'He wants you dead! He wants you dead!'
His ragged breathing hitched painfully, he was almost choking now, and then sobs started wracking his frame. Tears poured out of his eyes, mixing with the rain that was still beating down on him relentlessly, and fell to the earth unheeded. Edmund was certain that he would never again stop crying, but he didn't care. He couldn't bring himself to care about anything. Perhaps he should simply stay out here and freeze to death. Perhaps that would make Peter…
The name alone caused a new wave of sorrow, and his bruised soul rebelled against the pain rushing through him, but it was all in vain. Nothing could stop this flood that was about to drown him. Everything was over now. How could he continue with his life when the person he loved most hadn't wanted him from the beginning? Nothing made sense anymore, and it seemed to Edmund as if his whole world had been turned upside down. His sobs became louder as he cried his anguish out into the silence.
It felt as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest and thrown onto the ground, where it had shattered into a million tiny little pieces. He would surely never be able to put it back together again. And he didn't want to anyway. If loving someone could cause such unspeakable pain, then he'd rather not love ever again.
Some part of him was frantically searching for an explanation, anything to stop this dismal confusion. But Edmund was unable to find anything, there was nothing to hold onto, nothing to anchor him. He was adrift in a violent sea with no land in sight, and he didn't even know what to believe anymore. Had everything been a lie? Had he imagined their closeness, their bond, Peter's absolute protectiveness? No… no, it had been real… it had to have been real! If his whole life had been an illusion… He couldn't begin to fathom what would happen should this be the case…
And yet… Peter's words kept repeating themselves in his head. He wished Edmund had never been born, had never wanted a brother… Edmund had nothing to set against these statements, had no reserves that allowed him to gain some distance, to maybe look at everything a bit more rationally. His grief was simply too great.
Time passed. He didn't know when it had happened, but he was lying curled up on his side now, still crying, screaming even, raging against the storm of thoughts that was consuming him, against the pain that was tearing him apart, and punching the hard, unforgiving ground with his fist. The skin soon broke and blood ran down his hand, but Edmund paid no heed to it, did not even feel it. This was nothing compared to the agony that was clutching his whole being with an iron fist. The coppery smell of blood reached his nose, and his mind led him back to Beruna. Once again the Witch was standing over him, her broken wand stained red, and once again he heard her icy voice telling him that he was now hers forever. Perhaps he hadn't been meant to survive this battle at all…
A rumble of thunder jolted him out of this particular memory, but his thoughts continued to stumble over each other in a hopelessly jumbled mess. The only notion that stood out clearly was that he would likely never recover from this blow.
Why?
Why had it happened?
What had he done wrong?
What had he done that his brother, his best friend, hated him so much?
And what should he do now?
What could he do?
Edmund couldn't think of anything, but he knew that he couldn't go home. Quite apart from the fact that just the idea of seeing Peter sent bolts of searing torment through his whole body, he felt as if he would never be able to move again. He was simply frozen in abject shock and horror, even his hand had stilled now. There was nothing but the trembles still coursing through him and the steadily flowing tears.
In this instant, Edmund wanted to die, just to make the pain stop…
Suddenly, a strange feeling washed over him, like a warm wind or a soft caress. And Edmund realised that he wasn't alone in the park any longer. There was an almost tangible presence filling the air around him. It took all of his strength, but he managed to push himself to his knees shakily and looked around, but he could see nothing. Still, the feeling remained… and then he heard a voice, loud and clear, as if someone was speaking right next to his ear.
"Edmund."
He recognised it instantly, and as the loving and gentle tones wrapped themselves around his bruised and battered heart, he felt a small measure of relief.
"Aslan!"
It was nothing more than a choked whisper, but He heard – and He understood.
"Do not despair, my Dear Child. You are not alone. I have been beside you always, and I will never desert you."
Edmund buried his head in his hands and continued to cry, he couldn't seem to stop. Aslan was here! However…
"But Aslan… did you… have you… Peter…"
He could not bring order into his thoughts, could not express what was weighing down his soul, but Aslan seemed to know.
"I have heard every word your brother has spoken. I have seen your pain and suffering, I see every tear you cry. Yet I also have to ask you, King Edmund the Just: Do you believe what he has said to be true?"
The use of his title and the intensity in Aslan's voice made Edmund look up again. For the blink of an eye he thought he saw the silhouette of a great Lion, but then it was gone again. The question itself though strangely enough brought some amount of order into his thoughts, and the reminder of his royal dignity gave him the ability to assess them more or less objectively.
Did he believe what Peter had said? He was hurt beyond measure, that much was true, but did he honestly believe it? Part of the answer was very easy. He most certainly did not believe that he was still a traitor, and somehow he was also sure that Peter did not really think that himself. Too much had happened, and he had gone through so much that he knew with absolute certainty that that part of him was well and truly gone. As for the rest…
Snapshots of their life together passed by his mind's eye.
The expression on Peter's face when he came to on the battlefield at Beruna.
Peter sitting at his bedside for two weeks straight when he was gripped by a raging fever.
A shout full of desperation when he left his brother's sight during a fight against the last remnants of the Witch's army.
Letters full of tender sentiments, admonishing him to stay safe and be careful during their visit to Calormen while the High King had to do battle in the North.
No, he had not imagined all of it, had not imagined the love and affection. It had been there! So therefore he technically shouldn't be able to believe what Peter had said.
But then the words came roaring back, drowning out the conclusion he had just reached. They could not be unsaid, and if Peter had spoken them, perhaps they held some grain of truth…? Once again confusion threatened to overwhelm him, and his newly found, budding clarity was slipping away again.
"I… I don't know, Aslan. I don't want to believe it to be true… But… but why… Why would he say that he… that he doesn't want a brother… doesn't want me, if he didn't mean it? He isn't a liar, and he isn't cruel… or he wasn't? I just don't know anymore, Aslan! He is not the Peter I know and love anymore! … Oh, everything is so muddled up! If he isn't himself, does that mean he didn't mean it? But then I still don't understand… Aslan, what is wrong with Peter? Please, can't you tell me? It feels as if I'm slowly going mad!"
Edmund heard a quiet chuckle and had to grin ruefully himself when he realised what he had said.
"You know that I can only ever tell you your own story, Dear One. You have however already found part of the answer yourself. Your brother has strayed very far from who he is. Yet this is his path, and you have your own to walk on. The choice is yours, my Son. How do you respond to Peter's actions?"
Edmund pondered this query for a long time while Aslan remained silent, the absolute love that was still surrounding him being the only indication that He was still there. It was a valid question, considering that he couldn't even imagine facing Peter at the moment. He had to admit that he was at a complete loss. Every time he tried to figure out which choices he might have, the poisonous words returned to him, paralysing his thoughts and incapacitating him utterly.
"I don't know! I cannot respond! I can't, Aslan! It hurts, it hurts so much! Even if he didn't mean it, he still said it! How could he do this to me? And what can I do? What shall I do?"
Aslan's voice turned into a purr that filled him and wrapped around him like an embrace.
"Edmund, you have to forgive him."
He gasped in surprise, stilling completely. That was a notion he hadn't even come close to considering. And one he didn't find particularly appealing either.
"What? Forgive him? Simply say it never happened and that everything's alright? That's impossible, Aslan! I can't do that! I don't want to do that!"
Edmund didn't understand Aslan most of the time, but this was even more incomprehensible than what He usually told them. But before he could get more agitated, a gentle nudge brushed his soul, calming him immediately and soothing some of his anger and pain.
"Dear One, do not be obstinate. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget what happened or pretend that everything is normal when it is not. It means that you do not keep your brother in your debt, that you do not bind him and yourself to a circle of perceived guilt and righteousness, that you do not fall victim to bitterness. It is the first step toward your healing, Dear Heart."
Edmund opened his mouth, but no words were coming out. He was speechless in surprise. Never before had he thought about forgiveness in such a manner, and he had to confess that he was curious now and wanted to know more.
"But what does it change? I can't imagine that Peter will suddenly be himself again just because I forgive him. Or that our relationship will return to normal."
Somehow, Edmund knew that a twinkle had now entered Aslan's golden eyes, even though He still sounded very serious.
"No, it does not change your brother, nor does it change the circumstances you are now in. However, it changes you and your outlook. You will not have to bear the burden of your bitterness, you will not have to remain in your pain, and you will be able to face your brother and look him in the eye without wanting to hurt him in the same manner. And you will be free. Free to live your life without the shadow of Peter's words hanging over you. Free to love and trust without reservations."
Edmund was completely stunned and contemplated this for a long time. It sounded too good to be true, and he could not really imagine how it was to work. He couldn't wrap his head around the concept of forgiving Peter, the wound that had been inflicted on him was still too fresh, the pain was too acute and immeasurable in its intensity. On top of that there was a great amount of righteous anger inside him that he felt very much entitled to. It was all well and good not to become bitter and everything else, but didn't Peter deserve to suffer at least a little bit for what he had done to him? Shouldn't he feel the same guilt that Edmund had had to deal with after his treason? Aslan surely had to see that it was only fair if Peter suffered some as well!
"But… I don't know if I want to forgive him, Aslan! You told me that you heard what he said, so you know how absolutely horrible it was! I've never been hurt so badly! So, do I not have a right to be angry? Shouldn't he know and feel what his words did to me?"
As soon as he had ended, Edmund was startled quite a lot because now a very distinct growl entered Aslan's voice. He cringed involuntarily.
"No, Edmund, you do not have a right. Every one of you has heaped guilt on his head in one way or another. It is not your place to set yourself up as your brother's judge. He will be made aware of what he did, he already is, and he will be called to account for his deeds, but this is not your responsibility. Do not forget in your anger that you also have been forgiven. Therefore it is your task to forgive those who have wronged you as well."
All of a sudden, the anger bubbling inside him was cooled down, as if doused with a shower of ice water. Edmund realised that he had been so focused on Peter's actions and on this feeling of being in the right that he had pushed away what Aslan had done for him completely. Aslan had forgiven him without any restraints or reproaches; it was in fact the first thing He had told him when he had arrived at the camp that morning so many years ago. He vividly remembered his shame and fear, his inability to lift his eyes from the ground, his certainty that the Great Lion would condemn him forever for being a traitor and his conviction that he deserved nothing less. And then Aslan had spoken, and His first words had been, 'My Son, I forgive you.' Edmund knew that he would never forget that moment when all of his burdens had simply been lifted off his shoulders.
Seen in this light, Aslan's gentle reproof carried even more weight. It was true, he did not have any right to deny his brother what had been given to him so freely. To do so anyway would be a veritable slap in the face of Aslan's sacrifice.
Edmund was reminded of his own oaths to Aslan, and one sentence stood out as if it had been written in fire upon is heart: I shall delight to do thy will, and thy law shall be within my heart. He could not refuse to do Aslan's will, not after everything he had experienced with Him. And looking deep into himself he also found this tiny voice, almost buried by all the hurt and confusion, that said that he didn't want to give up his relationship to Peter. But in the same breath, Edmund had to admit that he couldn't.
"I'm sorry, Aslan. I do understand what you're saying, and I think I want to forgive Peter, but… I don't know how. It really hurts so much! And it's so hard!"
Tears streamed down his face again, and he was quite frustrated with himself and what he saw as a weakness, but then he felt a brush against his cheek, as if someone wanted to wipe his tears away. The feeling of love around him intensified until he seemed to be completely cocooned in it. Edmund had never felt so cherished in his whole life, and in this moment he was certain that he could face anything.
"Do not be sorry, Little One. I know that you cannot do it of your own accord. But remember, Edmund, that my strength is made perfect in weakness. Your will to forgive your brother is enough. I will accomplish the rest. I will give you the strength you need, and I will not forsake you to walk this thorny way alone. For healing takes time, Dear Heart, and you will have to forgive your brother more than once before the pain leaves you once and for all. If you trust me, we can take the first step together today."
Edmund was silent for a long time, letting Aslan's word take hold in him. He did have faith in Him, and if He was with him, he would gladly take this step. But he also couldn't help wondering what would happen when he returned home. How would Peter react? What would his brother say? Now, with Aslan's presence all about him, the part of him that would never reject Peter came to the fore again, together with all the chaos of the last few months.
"Of course I trust you, and if you help me… But I'm still so confused, Aslan! I just wish I could understand what is going on, why he would hurt me so! I only wanted to help him, I want to even now! You know how much I love him, so…"
Here Edmund was interrupted by a bump to his chest that almost toppled him over and made him forget what he had wanted to say. Then Aslan spoke again, his tones now so tender that they almost rent his heart in two.
"Do not torture yourself with these questions that will never yield a satisfactory answer. You do not have to understand all the whys and wherefores if you only trust. I know how much Peter hurt you, I have felt your agony, and I also know how much he means to you. But I love him more than you will ever be able to, my Child. So forgive him in spite of your unanswered questions, release him from his debt to you and set him free. Let him go, entrust him to my care and have faith that I will watch over him. Let go of your wish for retribution and do not judge him, so that you will not be judged. Be assured, I will accomplish that which concerns you, and I will vindicate you."
A shiver ran down Edmund's spine, and then a strange, inexplicable calm descended on him. His doubts dissolved, his questions became immaterial, and he suddenly knew that he could do this. Edmund closed his eyes and concentrated on Aslan alone. After a moment, words came to his mind as if someone was whispering them into his ear, and he just had to say them out loud.
"Alright, I forgive Peter in Your name. I will not bear him a grudge, I will not seek to pay him back in kind, and I put him into Your mighty paws."
As soon as he finished, Edmund felt as if a great weight had been taken away from him, and peace such as he had never before experienced entered his heart. He could not explain it, could not comprehend it, but he was content with that. Aslan had promised to be there with him, so everything would be well.
Edmund now opened his eyes to be greeted by the sight of a beautiful rainbow. The rain had been reduced to a drizzle, the sun had broken through the clouds, and it almost looked as if the brilliant arch was spanning a bridge from earth right into heaven. To Edmund it seemed to be a symbol of what had just happened to him, stepping out of the darkness and into the light again. He was all of a sudden giddy with happiness and wished that the great Lion could be here in body as well, so that he could hug him. As it was, speech had to be enough.
"Thank you! I don't know what to say, Aslan! Just… Thank you so much! I don't know what I would have done without you!"
He heard quiet laughter reverberating in the air and sensed such vast love and joy that it almost took his breath away. And he couldn't help joining in the laughter, feeling a little more of his pain draining away.
"It is very well done, my Son. You have already come a long way, and I am proud of you."
This simple praise meant more to Edmund than he could express. It was somehow in his nature to question himself more often than not, to have doubts about the justness of his actions, so that Aslan's assurances were a great relief and made him stand taller in some way. He breathed deeply and simply enjoyed Aslan's nearness for a time. Then his brother entered his thoughts again, and while a lot of the pain had dissipated, there were still many unanswered questions that he simply had to ask despite what He had told him.
"Aslan, please… Can't you tell me… Will 'our' Peter come back? Will we talk about what happened? Will everything go back to the way it was before, to normal?"
Aslan was silent for a long while, and Edmund was fairly certain He would not reply. He never answered questions such as these, He had told Lucy once that they had to discover the future in their own way and on their own time. Edmund nevertheless hoped for some sort of guidance because even though he had forgiven Peter now, he still felt very insecure and would like to know what to expect or how to behave. Aslan's voice, when it came, was exceptionally serious.
"I cannot tell you that which has not yet come to pass, Dear One. I can however tell you that a lot of patience will be required of you. Patience with yourself, and patience with your brother. Do not expect to talk to him today or tomorrow, not even this week or this month. Also do not expect your relationship to remain the same. But have faith and remember what I have promised you. I know that this lesson is a hard one, yet you must learn that you are not responsible for your brother's actions, and that he has to make his own decisions and experiences and has to bear their consequences himself. You can attempt to support him, Edmund, but the choices are his own."
Edmund couldn't remember Aslan ever speaking that plainly before, and he was thankful. He realised that he needed things spoken aloud that explicitly to finally begin to accept that he didn't have to – in fact could not – right things single-handedly or bring Peter back. It was a humbling experience that he still had to be taught so much about Aslan and His ways after more than fifteen years of knowing Him. And Edmund also knew that patience would not be easy, especially if he saw Peter hitting the proverbial brick wall time and again. He sighed loudly, and Aslan, who was of course very much acquainted with his manner of thinking, now spoke with such authority and affection that none of his doubts and misgivings could resist against it.
"Be strong and of good courage, my dearest Child, for you are not alone. Do not forget that I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world."
Edmund felt a loving kiss pressed to his forehead, almost like a blessing, and then Aslan's presence around him slowly receded until it was gone. But in his heart he felt the echoes of a mighty roar and the simple knowledge that He was still there. He blinked as if waking from a dream, looking around at the drops of water on the grass glinting in the sunlight and at the ducks swimming happily on the pond again. The rain had stopped, the grey clouds had dispersed, and light had followed the darkness.
TBC
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. Condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned. Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven. – Luke 6,37
This chapter was quite hard for me to write, and I really wanted to get it out right because some of what I've written in here is based on my own experiences (though nothing as bad as Edmund's). I'd be very happy to hear your thoughts on it!
And I wish all of you a good start into the New Year!
