It's been a little while hasn't it? Sorry about that... Anywho- Please enjoy the update! It's a little shorter than usual, but this is a bit of a placeholder chapter. I needed to get somethings across so the story could move along. Also- I'm going back a changing a few little things in this story. You'll be able to follow without rereading, but some little things might make more sense if you go back and reread the first four chapters. So I'm not telling you you have to reread this, just encouraging it.

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
~John Lennon

Chapter 5

Lunch was an awkward affair. I sat with my back to the Gryffindor table and imagined the looks and gossip circulating the table, maybe even the whole lunch room. I though I felt eyes boring into the back of my neck. An unpleasant experience, let me tell you. Though I don't like to sound like James, Lily and I were popular, or at least recognizable. Much like Jams and Sirius we were attached at the hip, people couldn't imagine me with out Lily. It was always "Oh Miss Evans! And Miss Darcey..." I don't like a lot of attention, so it never bothered me that I was an afterthought. Lily was just Lily and people couldn't help but love her. I was just Addy.

Many times through lunch I had to resist the urge to turn around and see if it was just my imagination or if people actually noticed Lily and my separation. One of Niko's friends, Shane Gately, sat with us, and he and Niko kept a running commentary of the first years at the Hufflepuff table attempting their first spells. The conversation didn't require much from me except a few smiles and a forced laugh once in a while.

I picked at my food until Shane's sixth year, fellow Ravenclaw girlfriend Melissa Harroway joined the group. She sat next to Shane, basically in his lap. Niko and I couldn't help but give each other a look. They were really adorable together, in a kind of sickening way. After the break in conversation so Shane and Missy could snog for a few minutes, the boys returned to the conversation. Missy caught her breath and smiled dreamily at me.

"Merlin, I just love him." She said, sounding slightly dazed and still a little out of breath.

"Still, you might want to watch those public displays of affection. You know that's generally frowned upon. One of these days you're going to get caught sucking face with him." I couldn't help but scold.

I was not as rule obsessed as Lily, but I certainly wasn't as loose with their meaning as the boys. And I couldn't help but feel motherly to Missy, even though she was almost a foot taller than me. She was a sweet, innocent, usually oblivious blond who brought out the protector in me.

"You're such a worry-wart!" she teased.

"No," I countered teasing back. "It's just I witnessed Professor McGonagall separating two seventh years when I was a first year here, and I don't mind telling you that it was not a pleasant experience for wither of them."

"I'll take my chances!" Missy settled it with a smile. We eased into an easy silence, and the boys continued being funny and some times crude. After checking to make sure the boys would remain occupied for a bit longer, Missy leaned across the table to whisper conspiratorially. "So… What's up with you and Lily? Not that I mind you sitting here! But, it's just you're usually with her. And boys are stupid, they can't read body language. I can though, and you definitely looked upset when I was walking over here."

"I'm fine." I brushed her off with my white lie, which hurt as it came out of my mouth. I should be find, so I tried to talk myself out of believing I lied. Usually pretending works for me. If I pretend something isn't there or pretend that I feel something, usually it's not there and I feel what I'm supposed to. Missy obviously didn't believe me, but she thankfully let it go.

I love that girl.


Niko and I returned to class. The rest of my school day was normal. I managed to avoid my Gryffindor friends, sticking with Niko, Shane and Missy. I know I was avoiding the inevitable confrontation, but I didn't want to do it in the mood I was in. I would say something I didn't mean, or Lily would, and we'd be worse off that we already were.

I ate dinner at the Ravenclaw table. I was certain I wasn't imaging the looks by now.

"Why is Remus Lupin looking at you so funny?" If Missy, Miss Oblivious, noticed something, I knew the gossip wheel was circulating.

"That's it!" Niko got up, and started to walk towards the end of the table at which Lupin sat.

"Niko!" I got up too, and rushed to his side, and tried to pull him back. I hoped something like this wouldn't happen, and now my worst fear was coming true. Remus saw us coming, Niko marching forwards like a solider off to battle while pulling me along like a rag doll, despite my pitiful attempts to pull him back. Remus had a decidedly un-Remus like expression, like he was ready for the imminent fight.

Remus got up, ready to meet us half way, and James and Pettigrew got up to follow. I quickly noted Sirius wasn't there to back Lupin up, but my thoughts couldn't dwell on that for long, because Niko was now standing face to face with Remus.

"What the hell is your problem?" Niko demanded, his accent thick again. Remus just looked at Niko for a moment before turning to look at me. His eyes seemed more calculating than usual, and less open. I turned my attention from Remus, back to Niko, still hoping to avoid a fight.

"Niko, come on! Don't do this. Don't be stupid! Do you honestly want to risk being expelled if you try this?" I tried to plead with his reasonable side. I turned towards James to get him to help my cause, "James! Do something. Take Remus somewhere else for heavens sakes!" James looked uncertainly towards Remus, as if unsure weither or not to break up the fight. I returned to cajoling Niko, and slowly separating the two boys.

"James, take Lupin to The Library. Now!" A new, authoritative voice joined the growing din. James snapped to attention to Lily's command, and between Lily, and James, they got Remus to walk past us and leave, with Pettigrew scurrying after. Niko finally let me drag him along, after a few moments between James, Lily and Remus's departure. He let me pull him into the courtyard where I had met him earlier and sit him down on a bench.

It was dark out, but it was the only place where I thought we'd be safe from interruptions.

"Niko calm the hell down. What just happened? He's been glaring all morning, and you were fine until Missy said something."

"Addy. You know I consider you one of my best friends. You're almost like the sister I'm never going to have. And you're so small… It's hard not to get protective of you when some ass glares at you like you've done something wrong. All you did was keep us from each other throats in class. Certainly not enough to deserve the hatred he was shooting your way."

Hatred? Since when could Remus hate anyone, especially me? We had been fine on the carriage ride. We'd been fine the last few years. For all his rule breaking with Sirius and James, Remus did love the rules and school. I couldn't imagine him in a fight over anything besides school. We got along fairly well because we both liked school. We had never hung out because he was on a total higher social level, but we'd say hi in the library and he didn't mind if I asked him a question when I couldn't find Lily.

"Thanks Niko. For sticking up for me and considering me one of your best friends. But I don't think that Remus hates me." I may have been utterly lost with what everything was all about, but I could admit to being slightly pleased that Niko cared that much for me.

"Addy. You didn't see the looks he was giving you." Niko shot back.

"No I didn't. But Remus is a nice guy! I can't believe he would hate me." I pointed out.

"Addy," Niko looked at me with pity. "This isn't something you can ignore and have it disappear. You're an amazing girl, and Remus has no reason to hate you. This isn't something I can ignore. He may hate you for no reason, and we both have to live with that. But when he makes you uncomfortable with his dislike, I can't ignore that. I'm not as oblivious as you and Missy think. I knew you were off all day. I love you, and you don't deserve a stupid boy glaring at you and gossiping about you. So, if he does it again, you'd better do something about it before I do."

"I'll see you later Niko, okay?" I couldn't answer him. I gave him a quick hug to tell him I appreciated everything, but once again I was avoiding confrontation. He recognized that and let me go. I hurried to the Fat Lady, hoping to sneak through the Common Room and up to my dorm before I was noticed.


The professors thankfully hadn't started piling on the work, so I had all my work done before dinner, and I sat down to write my dad a letter. I wouldn't send it. I couldn't send it. I never sent these things. But I liked to write everything out, the release felt therapeutic. I had tried to keep a diary, but I always felt silly writing to myself. I used to talk to my dad about everything. I'm sure he didn't listen to half of what I said, never mind understand the other half, but that didn't matter to me. I knew he was always there, and in a way he always will be.

Dear Daddy,

Well, I'm to Hogwarts safely. My schedule is fine, and my classes are good. I don't have any new professors and there are no new students. Hogwarts is basically the same.

Lily and I got into a fight. I can't even call it a fight actually… Lily and I got into a disagreement. She obviously got Head Girl, but James Potter (the boy with the crush on her for the last seven years? I think grandma was friends with his grandma, we met when we here eight I think.) to everyone's surprise got Head Boy. Lily finally broke down and I think they're together now…. But I don't know. She doesn't hate him, I know that much.

But she lied to me! You know I can't stand liars. She knows that too. She's my best friend, she knows everything! How could she have made the conscious choice to lie to me? It was about something stupid too. She didn't have to lie. I mean, I know I tell her everything and some of it she probably doesn't need to know. And I know she's not necessarily as open about everything as I always am, but she knows me! She knows I hate lies and secrets. And she's doing both!

Wow, I'm so glad Lily and I aren't doing this now. I'm being completely irrational aren't I? She doesn't have to tell me everything. It just hurts that she has something she doesn't think she could share with me.

I hope she and James are together. She deserves someone, not just a melodramatic wimp like me. I'm too soft. I worry too much. I'm afraid of everything.

I'm a hypocrite. I hide and pretend and fake my way through life. If I pretend something isn't so, I can make it disappear. I just want it to disappear! Lily is the only one that knows, and I haven't even shared the full story with her.

I miss you Daddy.

Anyway… I thought I got over Sirius, you know? Convinced myself that I could move on. He goes through girls like I got through Drew Balls. Not like I ever had an actual shot with him, but I refused to be one of the silly girls who follow him around in hopes that he'll notice me. I always thought I could be better than that. But he's just so freakin' gorgeous! It hurts, but I could look into his eyes forever. And now I sound like even more of a creep.

Well, I'm going to burn this in a minute so I'll let it out. Remus Lupin, one of Sirius and James's friends who is in a few of my classes dislikes me. Niko says he hates me, but I can't imagine Remus hating anyone. I wish I was just imagining things but even Missy noticed. I don't know… I just thought he was nice. He was another connection to Sirius. I can't think of what I could have done to make him dislike me, never mind hate me. I'm a nice person! I don't fight, I don't play tricks on people, I help anyone out who asks… I didn't take his place in anything, bump him out of any top spots in school, didn't spill something on his work, cheat off him on a test… I just don't know!

Thank you Daddy. I love you!

Love,

Addy

I reread my letter. Nothing was magically sorted out but I felt better, calmer. Maybe I could handle Lily in the morning, Remus in the afternoon. I folded up the letter and threw it into the fire place and watched the red-orange flames eat and lick at the parchment, turning my inner most conflicts to ash.

X~~~~~~~~~~~~X

My hands shake as I open the letter. I know it was from my mom. She is the only person I know who would use lilac colored and scented parchment for a quick note to her daughter. I hope this was one of her silly letters, saying nothing of importance, just jabbering away. I don't know why I think this letter is going to be different. Her letters usually have no purpose, but from the minute I picked this letter up I knew something had to be wrong. Please just be a letter telling about the new restaurant dad took her to or the new dress gown she's sending me!

My dad calls me "his little empathy." I'm sad whenever someone else was sad, and I can pick up people's emotions, no mater how good they were at hiding them. This wouldn't be the first time I've gotten a sense of a letter's contents before I opened it.

I read my letter and my shaking hands still. I guess I was being silly. All it is is another note about the silly lady in the office next to my mom and my parent's most recent dinner date with people from my mom's office. She signs it "We love you!" like always, and I laugh at myself. I get worried over nothing, as usual. I'll work on that in the future.

X~~~~~~~~~~~~X

I roll over under the covers, Artemis hopping onto the bed after her midnight excursion. Not waking all the way up, I shift again and fall back to sleep.

X~~~~~~~~~~~~X

"I'm so sorry Adrienne. We tried everything the last few weeks. I'm so sorry for you and your mother's loss." The Head Healer at Saint Mungo's watched me with remorse. I stood where I was, frozen. I could hear my mother sobbing somewhere behind me.

Dead? My father couldn't be dead. He was fine, less than a week ago! I got my regular letter from my mother, and laughed with her as she wrote abut Dad's "sock hunt." That letter was from last Tuesday. He was fine. He can't be dead. He can't be.

X~~~~~~~~~~~~X

I woke up, startled, and not wanting my memory to continue. Anything is better than that day, even waking up too early to get up, but too late to go back to sleep, the morning after the second worse day of your life.

Once again, thanks to those who reviewed, favorited, alerted... anything that let me know that what I'm writing has an audience out there somewhere! Very much appreciated!

Hopefully there won't be such a huge gap between chapters next time... the next one should be up no latter than the first week in September.