I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him.

My Alex.

My shoulders began to shake uncontrollably as guilt crashed over me in suffocating waves. Why had I been so unbelievably stupid? He had trusted me, and I had hurt him. Tears streaked down my face, and I brushed them away fiercely; angry that they were trying to bring justification to what I had just done. Even if some how Alex ever was able to forgive me and trust me again, I would never forgive myself.

Never.


Chapter 6

That night on stage it was like nothing had happened.

Alex joked with me like we would during any normal show, and the fans soaked it up with excited smiles and desperate screams as they jumped up and down to the lyrics and melodies we beat out. As I played along with the act he was so loyally holding together, despite the overwhelming guilt that seemed to be harbouring itself like a monstrous disease in the pit of my stomach, I truly began to appreciate the level of dedication he was showing for our fans. If we hadn't been the lovable goofs everyone so looked forward to, the show would have been ruined. Even more fans would have been disapointed. I thought back to the girl -whose skinnies I was now wearing- and I wanted to throw up.

It was my fault. Everything was my fault.

If I had never mouthed off the flight attendant, than none of this would have happened.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

Just as it normally would, the show continued on. And just like normal we spent a few hours afterwards signing outside of the venue with a collection of dedicated fans who had waited around for us to come out. I put a smile on my face more times than I could count - not all of them just because someone wanted to take a picture. Alex didn't come near me unless someone wanted a picture of us together. With each moment that passed I felt my heart breaking more and more inside of me while I fought hard against the tears that were clawing at the back of my eyes, intent on displaying to the world just how pathetic Jack Barakat truly was behind all his stupid jokes and silly faces. The only thing holding back my tears was the constant pang of self-loathing that screamed at me, 'You deserve all of this'.

"I'm sorry, you guys, but we have to go now," Alex apologized regretfully as a chorus of awh's and sad objections rang out through the small mass of people. "I really truly am sorry, it was so great hanging out with all of you guys. But if we don't leave now we'll never make it to our next show in time." A few people hurriedly rushed forward to give last minute hugs and kisses on cheeks before we all loaded back onto the bus and drove out of the lot and onto the nearly deserted highway. I sat on one of the couches and started reading and looking at some of the gifts fans had given me. A letter saying how amazing I was and how much All Time Low had helped them, changed their life, how much they owe the band. A drawing, two bracelets, a signed copy of Home Alone, and enough candy to put me in a diabetic coma. The love that came hand-in-hand with each present was just too much for me to take in right now. I couldn't believe so many people would go to the trouble to give me all of these things I in no way deserved.

I stood up and walked over to open the pull-out draw under my bunk. After a minute of playing tetris with the drawers contents I slipped the gifts into the already overflowing space, forced it back closed, and then pulled the girls skinnies off. They weren't a gift, so they didn't belong in the drawer, but they weren't truly mine either. I didn't know what to do with them. They were in my lap as I sat in silence on the edge of my bunk when Rian came down the hall. "Those are pretty cool jeans, where did you get them? I saw you had them on stage, but I didn't see you with them when we picked you up." He leaned against the wall on one arm and I nodded. "Yeah, a fan... gave them to me." It felt wrong to say she had given them to me, but I didn't know how else to put it.

A fan told me what a huge letdown I was and she threw them away after losing all love and respect for me?

Yeah, right.

"They look like they took and epic amount of time," he picked up on of the legs and read a small section of the print. He laughed. "Did you notice it says Matt is a pedophile right here?" I took the pant leg from him and he pointed to it. Sure enough, in bright red sharpie with a devilish smiley face at the end, read 'Matt Flyzik is a pedophile'. I laughed. "No, I didn't, but that's pretty fucking awesome!" Rian shook his head in amusement before propelling himself up onto the bunk above mine. "One of these days I'm going to take the time to read everything written on those pants... but for now, it's time to sleep - I'm beat. So," he threw the sheet over his body as he stretched his body out the full length of the tiny matress. "Shut the fuck up."

I laughed, folding the jeans neatly and putting them at the foot of my bed.

It was then that Alex walked by.

Without my brains approval, I straightened up and leaned forward almost expectantly. My heartbeat could have kept pace with a hummingbird and I swear he should have been able to hear it as he approached. Alex didn't even spare me a glance as he pulled off his shoes and sweater before crawling into his bunk and pulling the thin curtain across to sheild out the light - and me. It felt like someone had a vice grip on my heart, and right now they were trying their hardest to make sure I suffered before they would tear it completely from my chest. I swallowed down a lump of misery and hid away inside my own bed - buried my face away in the muffling depths of my pillow as I allowed sobs of anguish to take control of me.

What had I done? What had I fucking done?

Of course, I had known it had all been a well-executed facade this evening. But even that knowledge hadn't stopped me from believing that maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate me, and everything that had happened today was just one huge nightmare that had never happened. I should have known better. Alex hated me -I flinched involuntarily- almost as much as I hated myself. What was I going to do? What could I do? We couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay at shows. Our fans would figure it out sooner or later, and then what? How could I possibly explain what I had done? I thought of all the fans who would hate me and my sobs only intensified.

"Jack, are you crying?"

"No..." I whispered pathetically.

"You're not?" His voice was incredulous and unconvinced. And even as I felt him tug gently at my shoulder I couldn't believe that this was anything more than just a dream. I allowed myself to be turned over, and sure enough, I found myself staring up into his gorgeous brown eyes, so full of concern, it was almost painful to look at. Alex frowned. "It sure looks like you're crying."

I quickly erased the evidence with my arm. "No, I'm fine." Even to my ears it sounded feeble, weak, hollow. I wasn't the least bit surprised when Alex raised an eyebrow questioningly before shaking his head. "I honestly hope you didn't expect for me to believe that utter bullshit," he growled. I felt like a scolded puppy as I shook my head. "No, I didn't. I'm sorry." Alex sighed and I saw his expression soften before he climbed into my bed and pulled my curtain across. He leaned against the wall and held his arms out to me. I crawled into their warm comfort without hesitation and felt my heart crumple in my chest with undeserved relief. "Why are you so amazing?" I whispered into the sweet, familiar scent of his chest. Alex laughed softly. "Years of having you as a best friend?" I flinched in spite of the compliment. "I'm nothing like you. I don't even deserve you. "

My voice broke. "I - I hurt you."

Tears began to sting at my eyes again, but Alex's arms only tightened around me.

His voice was muffled by my hair as he planted a kiss there. "I know you didn't mean to hurt me, though. And I realized tonight that I just can't live without you. It was so horrible trying to avoid you, not being able to touch you and make stupid jokes, instead of the act we did on stage. It didn't feel right. It felt like I had lost a piece of me, you know?" I hiccuped as I choked on a sob, and nodded. I knew exactly what he was talking about. "And I decided I can forgive you for what you did, because it's a lot easier to forgive you, than try and live without you. Because I know I could never live without you." My heart felt like it was going to burst through my ribs in an uncontrollable display of the love that was coarsing through it, making it beat faster, faster. My breathing was coming out in short little shaky gasps. I felt like the world was spinning away and the only thing that mattered anymore was sitting here in Alex's arms.

"I don't deserve you," I whispered.

"No... but I don't deserve you, either. So you see, we're perfect for each other."

I began to cry without restraint, and as Alex titled my head up to kiss me, I realized he was crying, too. His lips were soft aginst mine, comforting. One hand running delicately through my hair, the other stroking the length of my jaw. Our tears mingled as they fell in glistening streaks down our cheeks and time lost all sense of meaning. The last twenty-four hours seemed to melt away in the heat of the kiss and if ever there was a moment in ones life where they could truly describe something as perfect, this was it. I thought back to the first night in the hotel room, after I had gotten a boner on stage, and couldn't help but smile into the kiss.

Life was so outrageously unpredictable.

I couldn't even imagine what it had in store for us next.


A/N: Enjoy. Reviews would be lovely.

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