Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere

Warning: rated 'M' for Rape…

Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…

I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R!

Written in Jordan's POV

Chapter 2, Like, how you are

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Iris, by the Goo Goo Dolls

Once Jordan opened his eyes, he gathered from his stiff neck and dry mouth he'd fallen asleep for some time. Recollecting the evening, he cursed through gritted teeth. "Fuck!"

Sliding over the backseat and opening and closing doors, Jordan shoved into the driver's seat. Holding on tightly to the steering wheel, he was well aware he wasn't in any condition to drive. Since he didn't care whether he lived or died, he decided to take a chance. He started the engine and drove off the desolated parking lot. Without really knowing where he was headed, Jordan vaguely recognized the parts of town he was cutting through. He had to squint his eyes to focus on the road, but when he did that too strongly his head started pounding. Totally unaware of the environment surrounding him, Jordan drove further through town. For some reason his eyes fell shut every once in a while, only to be abruptly opened shortly after. Despite the wish for his insignificant existence to end, gratefulness washed over him anyway when he didn't actually doze off yet.

Squinting his eyes once more at the familiar shape of a house, Jordan switched the engine off. Not having bothered to look where he parked, the car was almost standing in the middle of the street, in front of Angela's house. Still clutching the steering wheel, Jordan cast a longing stare into the direction of the house he'd driven to automatically. Hoping Angela would magically appear out of nowhere to make everything right, Jordan just sat there and waited.

Jordan VO: "I gotta like, see her. Now. Maybe the pain'll go away."

Getting out of the car clumsily, Jordan swaggered over to the house. He wondered why the floor wouldn't stay still under his feet and grabbed hold of everything he encountered on his way. Standing on the porch, Jordan stretched out his index finger but changed his mind. Ringing the doorbell in the middle of the night would not be a smart move. He decided to go around the back, like he'd done that night he'd told her about that abandoned house. To him, the walk over there seemed much longer now.

When he finally reached the back door, to his delight he found it wasn't locked. Jordan staggered through the house, his eyes having trouble adjusting to the dark, unfamiliar surroundings. Holding out his hands, Jordan carefully wobbled forward. Just before he reached the staircase, he knocked something over with a loud thump. "Crap!" Frozen to the spot, he discerned a light being ignited on the landing right above his head.

"Who's there?" Angela's voice sounded a little groggy and insecure. "I've already called the police."

Not sure whether he should make himself known or simply go away, Jordan tried to sneak a peek of Angela. Hanging on to the banister, he leaned forward as far as possible and looked up to see a flash of the red hair he'd longed to see all night.

"Jordan? Is that you?" The insecurity was still audible in her voice, but she spoke more steadily.

"Angelllaa…" A hoarse voice he didn't recognize as his own, still turned the sound of her name into the most precious thing on earth. Betrayed by his sweaty fingers, Jordan's hand slipped from the banister and caused him to lose balance. His feet sort of tripped over the stairs and he fell flat on his face. "Fuck!"

"Jordan? Oh my God!" This time the insecurity in Angela's voice had turned into panic.

Before Jordan knew what had even happened, he looked up at two small feet. Grinning a very lopsided grin, he allowed his eyes to travel upwards. He could almost see underneath her red plaid PJ's from here.

"Jordan! I'm up here! Guess you're not in much pain of you're still interested in…" This time, her tone was sarcastic, harsh and disappointed. Jordan was amazed at all the different tones in Angela's voice. He was even more surprised he could make them out, despite the rest of the world being hazy to him.

Jordan pushed himself upward and stayed put. Tucking some stray hairs behind his ear, his fingertips grazed his face and he flinched. He welcomed the numbness the liquor was responsible for, it would've hurt a lot more otherwise.

"What are you doing here?" Looking down upon Jordan, Angela's arms were crossed over her chest. "You know, you're lucky my parents and Danielle aren't here… I heard you like, a mile away. Are you drunk or something?"

"I guess…"

Jordan VO: "Okay, so I'm here. I'm too wasted… to make sense. Too many questions. She looks… kinda sexy though… Wonder what kind of underwear…"

Tilting his head, Jordan allowed his eyes to travel up Angela's thighs as far as her PJ shirt would let him. When her PJ's obscured the rest of her body from his vision, her voice startled him.

"Jordan? Come on, you have to go." Angela extended her hand to help Jordan up.

Grateful Jordan got hold of her warm hand, and squatted. Even this tiniest form of contact, her warm hand in his, sent little jolts of electricity coursing through his body.

"Don't wanna go home." Still a bit unstable, Jordan had gotten to his feet. Dying for an even closer encounter, he wrapped his arms around Angela and drew her close to his chest. "Mmm… Your hair smells like… like strawberries."

"And you smell like you went for a midnight swim in a tank filled with whiskey." Struggling to get out of his embrace, Angela pushed her fists in Jordan's chest and backed away a little.

"Please Ange… Just… You know…." Cupping Angela's face in one hand, Jordan's gaze went over her eyes. "C'me on…" Inching his face closer to hers, he pouted his lips slightly and kissed her full on the lips.

Murmuring against his lips through gritted teeth, Angela tried to fend Jordan off. "Stop, Jordan. Don't. You're drunk, it's late and I can't."

"Just one kiss, please? Then I'll like, go… okay?" Jordan's voice sounded smooth, his eyes begged her in all their blueness. He placed his lips over her mouth once more, imprisoning her tiny frame in his strong embrace.

Jordan VO: "Oh man, I gotta have her. All this time I like, waited and waited, but fuck! I want her so much it hurts!"

Angela's lips were soft and smooth and didn't protest to his. Hungrily, Jordan tasted her sweetness and innocence. Opening up his lips, his tongue came darting out, forcing its way inside Angela's hot and wet mouth. Exploring her warm, damp cavity, he encountered her tongue, eagerly caressing his. It felt like time stood still for a while, the world stopped spinning and Jordan's life didn't suck anymore. She was responsible for that, until she withdrew her tongue and lips from their kiss. Immediately, it felt like they had amputated a limb, he needed her kiss to survive more than ever.

"Look, I don't know why I… why you… why this like, happened, but you gotta go."

Jordan's arms no longer held Angela, instead she held his hand. Her eyes darted up to his, then she averted them shyly, eyeing her feet like they were the most interesting thing on the planet all of a sudden.

Jordan VO: "Maybe if I could like, find the right words, for once, I could like convince her or something. Fuck man… why would I want like, easy and fun when I could like, have *her*? Look at her! She's worth it. It's just not fair to like, make me want her like this and then… stop."

"I can't. I'm not supposed to drive, you know?" Picking her chin up, Jordan forced his eyes deeply into Angela's.

Jordan VO: "Maybe she'll get lost in my eyes, most girls are like, crazy for them, apparently. Maybe she'll… Maybe… Wow, just look at her. Look at those amazing green eyes. She's doing it. She's doing it again. She's expecting things I can't give her."

"So how'd you get here?" Like he was the greatest miracle she'd ever seen, Angela's eyes still looked into Jordan's.

"Umm… I umm… I drove." Almost swallowing the last word, Jordan was afraid to admit he drove here anyway, while he just claimed he shouldn't. He was scared his plan might fall through and Angela would somehow see through the reason he actually drove in the first place. The fact he didn't care whether he lived or died if she wasn't in his life.

"You *what*? In this condition? You could've like, gotten into a some horrible crash!" Pushing Jordan off violently, Angela crossed her arms in front of her chest again.

"So you *do* care for me?" Jordan's eyes started to twinkle as he pried Angela's arms open and wrapped them around his back.

"You know damn well, Jordan Catalano. I just need time. More time." Angela rested her head on Jordan's shoulder.

"How long, Ange? My life sucks so much right now, you have like, no idea." Nuzzling her hair, Jordan rested his head atop Angela's and inhaled her strawberry scent deeply.

"Don't know. I really wish I did, you know?"

Pecking a tiny kiss on her hair, Jordan started to caress Angela's back. One hand went up her neck, his fingers drawing small circles upward. Reaching her hair, his fingers braided themselves into it like they never wanted to let go.

"Don't. This is… confusing." Trying to wriggle free from Jordan's embrace, Angela watched Jordan's eyes travel over her hair.

"Why are you like this?" Jordan's voice was soft and silky. Unlocking his stare from her hair, Jordan met Angela's eyes.

"Like what?"

"You know, this. You. Keeping me out."

"I'm not keeping you out."

"You are. We're not together, are we?"

"God Jordan, don't you get it? You like, hurt me so much I wanted to *die*! You can't expect people to like, forgive and forget something so big just like that!" Angela backed into the wall, away from Jordan.

"I know, I guess. I'm sorry."

Jordan VO: "Why can't I like, tell her I *get* her? I wanted to die too, man, I still do. And if she'd hurt me like that, I'd kill myself instead."

"You should leave your car and walk home. Or drive, I don't care." The liveliness had vanished from Angela's eyes, reminded of the pain Jordan caused her once more. She turned her back on him and walked up the stairs. "Go, please."

For a few seconds Jordan watched Angela walk further away, then he reeled up the stairs as fast as his shaky legs could carry him.

"I'm sorry. Please stop." Grabbing Angela's hand when she had just reached the landing, Jordan twirled her to face him. "I hope you can like, forgive me, you know, like… someday."

"Maybe. Now I just wanna go to bed, I'm tired. Bye Jordan." Turning her heels to take off, Jordan still held on to Angela's wrist and stumbled after her over the landing. "Could you like, let me go please?"

Like he wasn't even aware of gripping Angela's wrist, Jordan looked down on it non-comprehending. Flinching away when he finally understood, he quickly took a few steps back.

"Night, Jordan." Turning her back on Jordan again, Angela walked in the direction of her bedroom.

Nailed to the floor, Jordan watched her ever diminishing figure until she slouched through the door.

Thanx for R&R-ing!