Be Careful What You Wish For… By Lady(dragon) Guinevere
Warning: rated 'M' for Rape…
Takes place about 2 months after the final episode of My So-Called Life, every chapter is sort of a separate songfic. The characters aren't mine, obviously. They just live inside my head for a while…
I meant to continue after these 3 chapters, but I'm not sure I will. It's finished in a way, even though I had some good follow-up ideas. If you like it, please R&R!
Written in Jordan's POV
Chapter 3, Shattered
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
Angel, by Sarah McLachlan
Jordan VO: "I've like, never been inside Angela's bedroom. I wonder what it looks like? I wonder what she looks like, in her bed, all beautiful and lazy."
Like a peeping Tom, Jordan softly opened up the door and looked around the room. Despite the darkness, he could make out Angela's room was cluttered. The floor was covered with piles of things, probably clothing. Through the window on the wall opposite the door, a small beam of light led the way to Angela's bed. The light shone upon her hair, providing the red with a glowing look. His fingers were itching to touch those red streaks, to sniff up their strawberry scent.
All of a sudden, Jordan found himself over by Angela's bed, staring at her. He wondered if she could have fallen asleep this quickly, it had been just a few minutes ago she walked through the door. Carefully, he reached out and brushed over her red hair. Next, his fingers stroke her cheek until Angela tossed her head aside. Jordan withdrew his fingers and watched her with curiosity.
Abruptly, Angela's eyes shot open, she inhaled sharply and sat up. "Jordan!"
"I just… I'm sorry." Sitting beside her on the bed, Jordan rose his fingers to continue his exploration like nothing had happened.
"You're scaring me. Stop this. Go." Angela slapped his hand away like it was an annoying fly.
"Don't be scared babe." Lovingly, Jordan eyed the beautiful creature in front of him and wanted nothing more than to be with her. Cupping her face with one hand, the other on the back of her neck, he forced her face towards his. Greedily, he pressed his lips onto hers, ignoring her murmurs.
Her hands pushed at his chest but he persisted, caught up in the moment.
When her shoves broke their lip contact, she screamed at him. "Stop it Jordan, now!"
A lazy grin spread around his mouth, his sultry stare directed at her eyes. "C'me on Ange. You like, want this too."
"No I don't! Go away or… or… I'll call the police!" Angela crawled away from Jordan, until her back hit the bed board. She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped them up in her PJ shirt tightly.
"I'm sorry, okay? One more kiss, please?" On hands and knees now, Jordan crept over the bed towards Angela. When his face was inches away from hers, she took a swing to slap him in the face.
Jordan grabbed her wrist and when Angela wanted to hit him with her other hand, he grabbed that one too. Pinning her hands over her head on the bed board, he lay his free hand underneath her back and pulled her further down. Straddling her, he crushed his lips onto hers, never once loosening the grip on her wrists. Thrusting his tongue at her lips, she didn't give in and her mouth remained closed. Her knees slammed into his back in an attempt to free herself so Jordan swung his free hand round his back to pin them down.
"Stop it! Let me go!" Angela's eyes sparked with fury as she eyed Jordan.
Looking in her eyes, Jordan told her, "You're like, so beautiful, you know that? I'll let go, just… Relax, okay?"
Jordan let go of her legs and wrists, then curled his hand through her hair. His hand caressed her face and slid down, brushing her neck. Further down, Jordan unbuttoned her PJ top and slid his hand in between the fabric to touch her breast.
Startled, Angela sucked in some air at the contact Jordan made with her breast. "Jordan…" her voice sounded unstable and yammering.
Jordan VO: "Oohh… she feels so soft, so warm."
Unbuttoning her PJ top further, Jordan held his breath when she almost naked in front of him. Her skin was pale and looked so creamy he felt himself harden even more. Lowering his head, Jordan brushed his lips gently over Angela's upper body, sliding his tongue to taste her wherever he could. He lapped at her nipples, one by one, and when he heard Angela moan he felt encouraged to go on.
Feeling up her soft skin, Jordan's fingers encircled Angela's belly button, then circled down to her panties. Stroking over the fabric that was the final barrier, Jordan felt Angela's wetness through the material. Pushing down the panties with one hand, he studied her shape when he felt Angela's wrists wriggle inside of his hand. He wasn't sure how they'd gotten back there, but he had a firm grip on them once again. Detaching his eyes from her figure, he fixed his eyes upon her face, questioning.
"P…please, don't Jordan. I beg you." Her lips quivered when Angela spoke.
"But… You're…" Jordan's finger pointed towards her centre, letting her know she was wet and willing for him.
"Please. Not now, not like this." Desperation was written all over Angela's face.
"Ange, don't be afraid. I won't hurt you." Jordan felt confused, her body said one thing, her mouth another. She wanted him, he was sure of it. He needed her, now, or he'd die.
Pushing down her panties completely, he started stroking her most sensitive spot. Sliding his fingers down, he found her insides and snuck a finger in. Moving it up and down, he added another finger and felt how wet she was. His erection was throbbing and he longed to feel all of her around him. He retracted his fingers and unbuttoned his fly, releasing his member from the denim restraint. He positioned himself over Angela, softly nudging at her centre. His eyes stayed fixed upon her face, though they didn't have eye contact. Angela's head lay sideways, and her eyes were closed. When Jordan moved his erection inside of her, he could see a little tear glistening on Angela's cheek. He waited for a while to allow her to adjust, before he pushed himself in further. Closing his eyes at the incredible sensation of her tightness, Jordan let out a low and husky moan. This way, he didn't notice Angela's squinted eyes and soft sobs.
Moving in out of her, Jordan felt the feelings inside of him build up and rise to the point of no return. The waves intensified until it felt hot lava was coursing through his entire body. Then, he fell over the edge, something inside of him exploding in a million little stars, blinding him, crippling him, taking over his entire being. A very low moan escaped his lips as he rode out his orgasm. The numbing feelings slowly ebbed away, turning into blissfulness. Once his senses came back, Jordan was aware of reality again.
Withdrawing himself from her cradling warmth, Jordan quickly pulled up his briefs so he wouldn't spill all over her bed. Looking down on Angela, Jordan was taken aback when she was shaking and trembling, not to mention weeping loudly.
Jordan VO: "What the fuck? Why is she like… Oh my God, I hurt her. She was… And I… And now she's… And I… Fuck, what did I do?"
"Oh Ange, I'm sorry. I…" Like it was becoming a habit, Jordan hurt Angela and couldn't find the words to express his feelings. The crime he committed became clear to him just now, clear as glass. Glass… that's how fragile Angela looked, shattered glass to be exact. A million little pieces of crushed glass, her teardrops glistening on every, tiny piece. Angela's misery was displayed like a kaleidoscope, and dazzled him beyond belief. How could she still look this beautiful and mesmerizing when he had injured her so bad only moments ago?
Jordan VO: "Oh my God, I can't believe this. Now what? There's like, no fixing this. Not ever. I thought I screwed up before, you know, but this is major. Nothing Brain like, writes, can fix this. I blew it."
"Fuck Angela. I didn't mean to…" Grasping his hair, the situation dawned on Jordan fully. Angela's captivating appearance had been replaced by the horrifying truth. Which partially happened because the liquor's numbing effect had worn off.
Falling back on his butt, Jordan wrapped his arms around his knees and rocked himself back and forth. He felt like crying, screaming. But he didn't deserve to do those things. She did. Angela. She was the victim. He made her the victim. Eyeing her, he wanted to ask her if she was okay. Her increasingly loud sobs were satisfying enough as an answer.
Jordan VO: "Of course she's not okay, you idiot! You *raped* her for fuck's sake!"
"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…" Still rocking his body back and forth, caught in his own embrace, Jordan felt desperate. He didn't know what to do, where to go. He couldn't face Angela anymore, knowing what he'd done. He couldn't get himself to walk away either. He had to know she would be okay.
"Ange…" Stretching his hand out to lay upon her, she yelled at him. "Don't touch me!"
Still crying so hard her breathing hitched, Angela wrapped herself much like the way Jordan had done. Rocking back and forth, her lips trembling, tears streaming down her face. "Go… away… Jordan. I… never… wanna… see… you… again." Interrupted by her wails, she managed to tell Jordan to get out anyway.
"I guess I deserve that", Jordan whispered.
Jordan VO: "My life is like, officially over now. Fuck me and my fucking hormones!"
"Will you be okay?" Climbing off the bed, Jordan turned to face Angela.
"Like you care…" One swift, sharp, deadly stare hit Jordan straight in his heart. If looks could kill…
She averted her eyes yet again and that hurt Jordan even more than her words. To see the pain he caused her. He left her room, flew down the stairs and went out the backdoor. How the hell could this have happened? He ran towards his car and just sat behind the steering wheel for a while, his stare going up to Angela's bedroom window. After some minutes, Jordan started the car and drove off.
Jordan VO: "Maybe I should like, go into rehab or something. Fuck. Man, what did I do? I hurt her so bad. I thought… No, I didn't think. I'm a fucking screw-up who doesn't deserve to live."
Occupied with his thoughts, Jordan didn't pay much attention to the road. Due to the hour of night hardly anyone was in the streets. Some street lights didn't work and most traffic lights blinked orange so drivers had to watch out for themselves. Jordan didn't see the curve up ahead, and once he realised he had to steer mighty fast or he wouldn't make it, the tree was already there. Smashing into it violently, Jordan's car came to an abrupt halt. The only noises after that were sizzling and dripping, instead of the earlier crickets and bird songs. Besides those sounds there was the shrieking of metal, other than that it was deadly quiet.
After what seemed like forever - dawn was already starting to break- something inside the car moved.
Jordan VO: "What the hell.. happened? Fuck, I can't move. Man, my arm hurts, and my legs… I can't feel my legs. Oh fuck my head's hammering like crazy!"
Trying to lift up his hand proved to be quite a big challenge. With every inch, pain soared through Jordan like a thousand stabbing knives. Once his hand had reached his head, his face felt wet. When he looked at his hand he noticed it was red, no doubt with blood. When looking beyond his hand, Jordan saw the tree that was so close to him, the hood had to be seriously shortened.
"Fuck, not my car!" Jordan exclaimed. Looking around, he observed being totally alone and in the middle of nowhere. Trying to move, he found out he was stuck. Or, that's what it felt like. It looked like the dashboard was hugging his upper body, and the cracks that ran over the window had to be the cause of his hammering head.
"Fuck man. I'm gonna die in here. I'm gonna die and I like, deserve it. I'm gonna die and I'm gonna like, go to hell for what I like, did to Angela. I'm gonna die and she'll think I'm a screw-up. Fuck you, Catalano, why couldn't you just like, tell her you love her instead of fucking raping her!"
The pain surging through his head and body was too intense and Jordan had difficulty staying awake. His eyes fell shut, only to fling open again accompanied by big gasps. He wanted to go to sleep, he felt the darkness tugging at his feet and it was like the best thing that could happen now. To let that darkness surround him, and stop the pain. It much resembled being drunk. There was oblivion, and there weren't any sounds. Even the crappy thoughts, the echoes of what he'd done today, starved out. It was blissful and peaceful and there was no judging.
Before Jordan sank into total darkness, a new sound brought him back. A jittery, high-pitched, repetitive sound that made him nervous because he associated it with bad things. He knew the sound, but couldn't remember what it was. He couldn't remember anything. Nothing but the redhead's face in his mind. The redhead he loved… Until the redhead vanished into the darkness, and got consumed by the utter blackness surrounding her.
Jordan wanted to go after her when the shrieky sound came closer, it was deafening. He couldn't take it. He wanted to go into that dark place, and already felt the oblivion wash over him. Perfect oblivion. And then the redhead's face came closer again. And she told him she forgave him, and reached out her hand. He grabbed it and they took off, her hair dancing on her shoulders, a genuinely happy smile playing on her beautiful face.
The End... for now anyway. Thanx for R&R-ing!
