Syed felt the light pounding on his eyes, like a foretaste of the fires of hell that felt like his destiny. He opened his eyes into the daylight, and turned on his side to regard his somnolent lover. Christian was gray, unshaven, snoring, through the weight of anxiety and alcohol. Syed was aware of feeling nothing, could not recapture any of that which seemed oh so clear earlier that morning. He had no idea what had happened and, even more importantly, why it had happened.
As he lay there willing Christian to wake and somehow make it clear for him as he always had in the past, Christian suddenly awoke, noticed Syed's piercing stare, and quickly turned and got up.
"I'll make us some coffee" was all he said, his voice giving no clues, no hints, and no insights.
"Thanks."
Syed got up and showered and dressed and came back in. In the meanwhile, Christian had also taken the opportunity hastily to dress. They sat at opposite ends of the settee. Syed thought ruefully that someday someone could have put a blue plaque on that sofa which read: Here lay Christian and Syed, on their backs and on their fronts, in their passion and in their play. But not now. Now they sat in their silence and in their separation.
"You asked me last night if I found you too dull for me. But what you said was that you had trouble with my drinking and my partying, my way of having fun. Which one of us is the one with the problem, Sy, me...or is it you?"
Syed remained silent.
Christian gave a bitter snort. "So we're back at this place, you angrily spouting off at me, and then sitting there silent when I ask you to tell me what is going on inside of you. Which one is it, Sy, which one do you really believe? Is it that I find you too dull, or that you find me too disgusting?"
"Christian, I gave up my wife, my family, the respect and standing I had in my community, for you, and..."
Christian interrupted him. "I am sick of your litany. I gave up alot for you, too, Syed, that year I waited for you. And I have 'given up' my old life. I don't go out and party like I used to. When I go clubbing now, it's with Roxy and you, when you'll get off your high horse and come, and I never ever go home with other men."
He stopped, and laughed, that painful disdainful laugh that always cut through Syed. "You always thought I would cheat on you, I would 'go back to my bad habits.' I gave that all up for you, for us, I told you that. I didn't miss anything, because I had you." And then more quietly, "I thought I had you."
Christian's phone dinged into the quiet that hung over them.
Hey babe, did Syed come home last night?
He texted her back, Yes and no.
What? What's going on, Christian? Meet me at the Vic?
Don't feel like it.
Sounds like you need to, though. Come on babe, I'll be there in 5 minutes.
Christian looked at Syed sitting there stone cold and still and texted back make it 10.
"I'm going to get out of your way, Sy. I'm going to have a drink with Roxy. When you decide how you feel about me, let me know. I said that to you once before, and it took months for you really to tell me. Don't leave it too long. I can't believe that 6 months into our dream-come-true, you and me at home, together, that we are sitting here like this..."
The tears gathered at the edges of his eyes, but he wiped them away and added brusquely, "I will not cry again over you as I cried for that year I waited for you."
Bleep, bleep.
Syed glanced down at his phone and dully noted that there was a message there from Farhan. Syed, how are you? Can we meet? We should speak."
Christian spoke very quietly. "Is that him?"
Syed could not look him in the face. He shifted his head around, scanning the room, until Christian's sharp voice fell upon him.
"IS THAT HIM?"
"Yes."
"Does he want to see you?"
"Yes."
And now Syed looked up and at Christian, full on, deep into his eyes and waited, for his sentence, for instructions, for whatever he wanted to tell him.
"Then go see him" He didn't ask Syed if he wanted to see him, just knew he had to send him there even if it was killing him. And then he got up, threw on a jacket and walked carefully out of the door.
Syed sat there for a moment, looked around the flat, and then texted Farhan meet me at the cafe across from the mosque in 10 minutes.
And then he too got up and walked out the door. He didn't dare to look back.
