Guys, I re-read this chapter, and it sucks. Honestly. Lots of...ah, fluff? Maybe that's what it's called...Well. It's lame. I'm terribly sorry.
Thanks for reviewing; you know who you are. Heh.
Hm...Due to the "situation" Ava is in (living with the Akatsuki), I'd like to say this: I've done my research, and for this fan fiction, most of the Akatsuki members are their true age. The only ones I could not find actual ages for are Pein and Tobi. There's a particularly juicy secret amongst the Akatsuki, and I want you guys to try to figure it out. I'll warn you: it's confusing, and freakin' crazy, but I find it incredibly interesting.
Now, please, try to enjoy this ridiculous chapter. Thank you ^-^
-Ch. 2 Dirty Deeds Done Pein Cheap-
I strolled out of the bathroom, leaving Itachi naked and pissed that I blew off his boner. I honestly didn't know how else I was supposed to type that, so sorry if it sounds..adult-oriented? Ha, come on man! My fan fiction! I wandered down the hallway, ignoring Spok's little mews for food, and thought. Why the Hell would Pein worry about my..um, oh, shit, just type it, virginity? I mean, I know I'm the youngest member of Akatsuki, and I'm the only girl, but still. It's just freakin' weird having a forty-year-old worry about me sexually. Even if he's a hot-tight-assed-piece-of-meat forty year old. Oh, the inner teenage monster would just scream 'go for it!' Ah jeez. I should worry about that later and focus on what that sexy-naked-thing-taking-a-shower said about finding someone to come with me to Boston.
"Who should it be..?" I muttered to myself, kicking Spok out of the way. He tends to walk right in front of your feet, so I showed no mercy. He just kept walking towards them anyway. Just then, I caught a glimpse of silver hair, and saw Hidan screwing around on the Internet. He was most likely watching porn...Idiot. How can Jashin allow this? I crept up behind Hidan's chair, and sure enough, the sexy was watching porn. Shocker~
"Hidan!" I screamed in his ear, as if the porn offended me. He yelled in surprise, and quickly minimized the porn and shut the sound off. I saw in the blank screen his reflection, and he looked Defeated! They way his eyes looked away, his brows furrowed, his blushing getting even redder...it was Hilarious! I couldn't help but start laughing at him, my finger pointing at his head.
"Ha! Caught you!~" I sang, dancing some dumb ass dance I was making up, and it was a badass dance, man. I was swaying my hips, jumping up and down, all that jazz; it was as if I had joined the Glee club in my head. He turned around, looking at me, pissed.
"What do you want..?"
"Would you like to go to Boston with me?" I regretted saying that. He rose up sharply, knocking the chair over, glaring and shouting, "Why the fuck would I ever want to fucking go on a trip when that cheap shit Kakuzu will fucking be there?" I forget; he's known for his cussing. I honestly find it ridiculously annoying and unattractive, but the guy's like 22. He probably wouldn't care if I said that to him. Then again, he could be like Itachi, whom gets pissed about anything. Let's see...
"Seriously, man? The cussing's making your hotness disappear. Desist!" I crossed my arms as I said this, but gasped. The poor guy! He looked hurt! Now I feel like Kakuzu! Well, a Kakuzu that would think Hidan was hot, which is basically something extinct. I was extinct! No! I regret it! I regret it! I tried to think of something that would make him feel better. I hated making someone feel terrible.
"Well," I slid towards him, my arms venturing to his lower back. He looked down at me, with his pink eyes glistening, as if he were about to cry like a baby. I had to look up a bit to him, since he was a tad bit taller than me. Note! I have no idea what their real heights are, and since I'm basically doing this fan fiction to make me happy, they shall all be taller than me! But, of course, Kisame's the tallest, and after that's Zetsu.
"I was just asking because I needed someone to keep me company in bed. I couldn't exactly ask Pein, now could I..?" My attempts at being seductive. Ah jeez. Luckily, he perked up; looking at me as if I were the porno he was watching a few minutes ago. His eyes ventured lower to my chest, but I thought this was punishment for me since I said that to him, so I just let him keep looking, even if it was quite uncomfortable.
"In that case," He replied seductively, wrapping his arms around my lower back as well. "Count me in," I don't know if he had any sake in his coffee this morning, but he lowered his head to mine and licked the tip of my nose, afterward outlining my lips also. All right, too much of Hidan to deal with; especially after the idiot was watching porn. Hurry, find something to hurt him! I gave him a tiny smile, then grabbed his boxers, and wretched them up as high as they could go. He squealed like a wee little piggy, letting go of my back and trying to get out of my grasp on his boxers. Did I mention they were a dark forest green? They looked nice to me. Since he was pale, with silver hair and pinkish red eyes, I thought they completed his look. I let him finally go after I was causing a scene. Y'see, Deidara and Kisame were in the room next to the computer room, which was my room. The bastards! And they walked over to see what the crying was all about. They both started laughing at Hidan, pointing at him with one hand. Their other hand was on their stomach. I honestly didn't think it to be that great of a prank, or whatever the hell it was, so I just sighed, turning to Hidan.
"I'm actually good with you not going, man. Thanks though." After he flew me a birdie, I made Kisame and Dei move out of the way. "And what were you guys doing in my freakin' bedroom?" I turned to them; they followed me into my room. They both looked away, whistling or humming. Dumbasses. That's when I turned to look at my bed, and there it was: an Itachi plushie I adored, wearing my black, lacy bra as a hat. In an instant, they both burst out laughing, Deidara holding the wall for support.
"We were wondering what you were doing with Itachi in the bathroom, so we tried to bring it to life with your little plushie, un!" Deidara said enthusiastically, but Kisame stopped laughing.
"Now wait a sec, I was walking towards the other room, and heard this guy giggling like a little twit. So I'm innocent." I looked towards the plushie, then turned around to face the blonde and the blue, my face expressionless.
"And here I was about to ask each of you if you wanted to bunk with me on the Boston trip...oh well." They both gasped, staring blankly at my apathetic face.
"B-but I'm innocent!" Kisame cried, even though he was confused. He's not like Dei; me and him are just good friends, and if one of us is in a pickle, although I can never see him or I fitting into a pickle. Those are small little vegetables…But yeah, if we were in trouble, we had each other's backs. I don't know, is this rambling? On with the story!
"You were laughing! Guilty!" Kisame just slumped his back, and walked away. Deidara, on the other hand, slid past me and picked up the lacy bra.
"So what, do you really wear this thing, un? It's scratchy," He held it to his chest, posing like the little girl he so could be. Now I should say this: it was about twelve in the afternoon, but the Akatsuki usually paraded around in their boxers, boxer briefs, etc. The only one who didn't was Kakuzu, because he's just a douche. Pein did wear boxers, but he always had a v-neck on or some other type of shirt. They only dressed into actual clothes when they needed to be somewhere out of the house, and they rarely wore their Akatsuki cloaks. Heh, I should say "we," huh?
"I don't think I should tell you, Dei..." I told the blonde, annoyed. He smiled, then walked closer to me, turning around so I could see his delicious back.
"Snap it on," he commanded, his voice dropping to a low monotone. I snickered, snapping the hooks onto the other part of the bra.
"Trying to be like Itachi, yes?" He started chuckling a little, then I gave his back a pat, to tell him the bra was on him-to just touch that awesome, tan back~
"Agh!" I shook my head furiously, slapping myself. No! Deidara's a whore! A man-whore! And yes, he was a man-whore. Well, let's just say don't put him in a room with beer/wine/etc. when Itachi or Sasori's in there as well. Things get rough n' hot~
"The Hell's the matter, un?" Dei yelled, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me, for I was in a daze.
"Your back...Your back!" I yelled at him, stretching my arms for his back. He looked down at me, confused.
"My back, un? Oh shit, is there something on it?" He let go of me and ran towards the mirror, turning so he could see his back. I stumbled towards my art desk, reaching for...I really want to say the 'emergency pocky,' but I'm afraid someone's gonna say that's lame...It sounds funny though, doesn't it? Agh, dilemma, dilemma...Shit. I'll just hit myself. One hand slammed down on the art desk, the other went whirling into my face, waking me up from my 'attack Dei Dei's back mission.' Deidara, after feeling relieved nothing was on his back, rushed towards me.
"You all right there, un?" The only thing that could clear my mind of his glorious back...was my freakin' lacy bra that was still on him. So, the dumbest thing is possible: I poked one of the cups, and started giggling. He looked at me, then made some odd, girly noise, and crossed his arms, hiding his chest.
"Hello? Sexual harassment man. Don't touch me, un," the blonde whined, creating a fake blush. How? I smiled at him evilly, and suddenly wanted to know how it felt to be a sexual predator.
"Show me them tits, you stupid whore," I said in my best raspy man voice, groping the air and moving towards Dei's chest; ha, wait. I was doing the Creep (Wave your arms up n' down like a marionette~)! Suddenly Deidara ran and fake tripped, landing on my bed, knocking the Itachi plush over. He started to cry big fake tears.
"No, stop! That's only for Ita-chaan, un!" I jumped on top of him, straddling his waist.
"Shut up and give me a peek, bitch!" I yelled, grabbing at his arms. Just as I unhooked one of his huge arms, a knock was at the door. It was Itachi, dripping wet, with only a towel wrapped around his waist loosely. It looked like he was standing there, leaning on the wall for quite a while, watching us. Deidara and I couldn't help but drool.
"I seem to have forgotten my clothes..." Itachi mumbled, ignoring our drool puddles and strolling towards the closet. He snatched a faded denim pair of holey jeans, a black v-neck, and his favorite white belt. Then, he opened a dresser door and got a different pair of boxers. These were a dark blue~
"Continue raping each other," He called from his shoulder, disappearing into the bathroom, once again. Ah...Damn. Thank you God, for making something so beautiful.
"Well," I said, getting off of Deidara's beautiful body. "I need to find someone to bring with me to Boston, so if you'll excuse me..." I headed towards the door, but was stopped by Deidara's huge hand.
"Why can't I go, un?" He asked, sounding depressed. I turned around and wrapped my arms around him tightly.
"Because I don't want to see you getting it on with Kakuzu or Pein." He looked at me in horror.
"Now, Pein I can understand, but Kakuzu? Hell no, un! He'll stick that wad of money up my ass!" I laughed, letting go of him.
"Plus, I don't want you stealing any of my clothes."
"I do notsteal your clothes, un." Dei said, matter-of-factly. Is that a word? I pointed at his chest, which was still covered by my lacy bra.
"Yes you do." With that, I left him as he yelled, "This was only a joke!" I walked down the hall, towards the living room, and saw Kakuzu counting up some hundred dollar bills. Deciding not to deal with him, I snuck outside, looking around for Zetsu.
"Zetty!~" I said in a singsong voice. "Where are you?" Just then, Noodle popped out from a bush, and meowed.
"Hey kitty," I reached down to pet her, but she ran towards the pool, afterwards looking back at me, meowing.
"You showin' me where Zetsu is, Noodle?" She meowed, and I just shrugged, and followed her. We were behind the house now, under the little shit balcony-thing, and Noodle suddenly stopped, rolling on the cement pavement. I looked around for a sign of green hair or a two colored body, but I didn't see anything; just Noodle rolling around, purring. I bent over, my hands on my knees, and watched Noodle be stupid.
"Where's Zetty, Noodle?" I asked her, even if it's pointless to ask a cat where some hot guy's at. Ooh! Rhyme! Yess~
"Behind you," a monotone voice said. I shot my head up and looked behind me, and saw the green haired beauty, in all of his black boxer-brief glory. Now, some of you, whoever's actually reading this other than me, probably don't care for men in boxer briefs. I used to not. But! You go look up Kellan Lutz (AKA Emmett Cullen, for you non-Anime Twilighters), half naked. He had some sort of modeling thing with boxer briefs. It's...Wow, it's pretty amazing. Well, now, for you Anime lovers~, picture that glorious body, as, first off, a bigger version of Kisame, and second, Zetsu! Gah, awesome…
"You didn't think of putting on some pants?" I asked him, not looking down. I always found it amazing how much self-esteem these guys had. Here Zetsu is, prancing around in his boxer briefs while traffic went by. I'll bet you anything he would wave at some of them that just stared. Zetty just scoffed.
"Don't bring my body into this. Do you need something?"
"I was wondering if you wanted to go to Boston with me." He sighed, scratching his head.
"I honestly don't. There are no plants on the boat..." Ugh! This guy and plants, shit!
"You could bring a plant with you, man..," I said to him, somewhat annoyed that that was his main reason for not wanting to go. He shook his head.
"It's so not the same, man. Count me out." Groaning, I drastically turned around and opened the door below the balcony-shit-thing.
"And here I was, looking for someone to bunk with me," I fake mumbled, sighing after I heard Zetty make some odd noise. It was like an 'ah,' or something. I suck ass at typing this crap, man...Ugh.
"Wait-!"
"Too late, man. Blew your chance. Enjoy the plants," I flew him a birdie, and watched him sulk, returning to some tree he was trimming. Ha, I win yet again. Okay, downstairs. Damn. Downstairs is Awesome. Wanna know why?
The exercise equipment's all down here. Bowflex, weights, Elliptical, etc. Wanna know what's greater? Pein was on the Bowflex bench, hittin' up 50lbs, with his v-neck off, and he was jamming to AC/DC. Now I do believe I have the right to say I almost jizzed myself when I saw this scene. Just to be in the room, watching sweat drip off his tight, flexed muscles can give anyone a pair of wet pants. Yes, he's forty. Yes, I should not be fantasizing about his body. And yes.
He's fresh meat, and Ninja's in the mood for some Pein Mignon.
"Ava, breathe," a calm voice called to me. Meat...Tight, delicious steak...I'll give you a dirty deed gone dirt cheap..Done Steak cheap, that is... "Dude?" You can throw however many piercings you want on it...I won't mind. Whack!
"Ow-!"
"The Hell man? Have you gone mental?" A red headed beauty yelled at me. He...what? Pein? I looked over towards Pein, and froze. He was sitting up, letting go of the handlebar thingys, and staring into my eyes. Damn, it was like he was trying to seduce me! How dare he look at me with those odd, eyelash-hidden eyes...Man, his abdomen was glistening with sweat..That could be steak juice...Big, juicy steak...Whack!
"Just make sure it's Medium-Rare!" I accidently blurted out, turning around to face the man attacking my poor head. It was none other than the great, sunken-coppery-eyed Sasori, staring at me like an idiot.
"What?" He asked, dumbfounded. Sasori put his hand down to his side, looking at me cock-headed. Then he attacked my forehead with the other hand, his eyes concerned.
"You okay there? You're sweating up a storm, man." Sweating up a storm? That sounds okay, yeah? If storms do sweat…
"I-I'm fine...-"
"If you're done staring at me like a hungry dog does to a piece of meat, leave," Pein suddenly said, rising from the bench. Wow, I just couldn't stop staring at his body! How sick! ...Wrong. There's nothing sick about this...Sasori..save me. Save me from his hot body! Sasori dragged me to the hallway.
"My apologies. She's being a teenager again." What? Being a teenager—I am a teenager, you idiot! Noo~ Pein's body, come back! Sasori pushed me into the room by the stairs, shutting the door afterwards.
"You're seriously freaking me out now, man. What's wrong with you?" I sighed dreamily, putting a hand to my overly hot forehead. Don't worry; Pein's body's fault.
"I need someone to go to Boston with me..." I'm guessing the way I said this made Sasori blush, but I didn't care. This morning, I had Pein's fingers right by my mouth, then I got to rest my head on Zetsu's lovely, muscled arm, plus I had myself some of my happy time with Itachi in the bathroom, and lastly, I got to see Pein's glorious, glowing body. If I was a guy, I would so be hard right now...Oh, I forgot Dei's back! Yes! Today's been awesome so far! I sighed again, this time with drool oozing down my lip. Sasori started laughing at my expression.
"Wow, Ava. Looks like you're not thinking about sex right now," he said sarcastically.
"Man, if it was any way possible...I would demolish him..." I thought aloud. Whoa, time out man! Itachi told me that that hunk of sexy is after my virginity, and here I am drooling over his body. That really is sick...
"What? Who? I thought you demolished Itachi in the bathroom already..." Sasori said, confused. I shook my head away from my thoughts, and turned to Sasori.
"Why does everyone know about that...?" He laughed.
"Hello? Shit house. Everyone hears everything," I stared at him seriously.
"Not...everything." Suddenly, I heard muffled yelling from upstairs, and from where I was, it sounded like Kakuzu. Ah jeez...Sasori must have heard it too, because he cracked the door a little. Pein turned down his music also.
"Ava! Get your ass up here!" Pein and Sasori started laughing, pointing at me and jeering.
"Ha ha, you made Kakuzu angry~" I shoved Sasori out of the way, then glared at Pein, my thoughts of his body disappearing instantly.
"I thought you were the leader..." I mumbled to him. He just stuck his tongue at me. Ha, stupid leader, yes, yes.
"By the way, Ava," Sasori called to me. I looked over to him as I put my foot on one of the steps.
"You said you needed to find someone to bring with you to Boston. I'll go with you."
Told you it was lame. Agh. Muy horrible, si...Now, be good little peepsies and review. Tell me what's odd about this chapter.
