***DISCLAIMER***
Tommy: (frowning.) Why do you do this?
Me: Do what?
Tommy: (glaring) You know what. . .
Adam: (to Tommy) Hon, I don't think she does know.
Tommy: No, she knows, she just won't admit it.
Me: Admit what?
Tommy: That you live to abuse me!
Me: You haven't even read this chapter yet. . .(holds out note book.)
Tommy: (gets out of Adams lap and somps over and takes it, and sits back in Adams lap.) You better not leave this at a nother cliff hanger or else.
Me: Or else what?
Tommy: I don't know yet, now shut up so I can read!
Me: (to the readers.) Looks like Tommys PMSing again...oh well haha enjoy this chapter, I don't own Bitchy Kitty or Glamy either...{yes new nicknames ;) }
~CHAPTER TWELVE~
"So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
Cause nothing lasts forever
Even cold November rain."
In my dream I wasn't floating, or flying; or any other activity that was associated with dreams. I was simply laying in my bed room. The Californian sun was peeking through the heavy drapes, filling the room with it's blissfully yellow shine and soothing warmth. Beside me, Tommy was sleeping peacefully, with a smile on his perfect, glossy lips. That's how I knew this beautiful moment was only a cruel mind game.
Tommy's chest rose and fell in a rhythm much like my own, but none the less it still fascinated me. He fascinated me. We were close to each other. Our fingers intertwined in a know so tight I doubted my ability to release it. His head was nestled close to my shoulder, and I could feel each breath he took brush across my naked skin. I was content in this moment, and would be forever. Happiness was hard to come by, but this was all I needed to be happy. I wondered if this was what Tommy meant by 'simple' earlier. Together, we were free from the outside world and it's evils. There was no hurt or injury, just us, the way I wished it could be.
"You may see him now." Joyce's voice said as she tapped my shoulder, pulling me from my dream.
I couldn't tell what time it was, nor did I want to know. Early morning I guessed. I couldn't have been asleep longer then a few hours. My first objective when I comprehended what the nurse has spoken was to read the look on her face, hoping for some sort of reassurance. Instead, her face was like a blank canvas. It was marked by many years of dealing with broken hearts and wounded souls. She showed neither fear nor hope, just a painted on smile to hide the truth.
I slowly stood from the chair, stretching my stiff joints. "What floor?" I asked.
"Four. Through the elevator right over there."
Joyce pointed to a single, stainless steele door with the words "Intensive Care Unit" painted above it. A chill rippled through out my body, all the way to my finger tips. I hated that floor.
"Thank you." I told her, ignoring the queasy feeling in my gut.
I knew the ICU's of hospitals all too well. After all, I has spent just under a month confind in those kinds of dreary hallways, with nothing but ear piercing silence to greet me. The air was thick with tears and suffering from the sick and the dying. It felt like an other worldly place where it didn't matter if it was night or day because everything blurred around you. I shook all those negative thoughts out of my mind
Joyce returned to her desk chair, and I boarded the over sized elevator. As soon as the doors closed I felt light headed and trapped. I stumbled back against the wall, and gripped my wrist that held all the memories in jagged scars. My fingers rubbed the smooth, raised skin over and over until the doors opened to floor number four.
I wanted to run as soon as the door opened, recognizing the dismal atmosphere right away. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I just stood there, frozen by fear until the doors started to close again. When I stepped out, two nurses were working at their station. One was busy messing with medication bottles, while the other talked on a black spiral corded phone. The rounder nurse who was working with the medicine was the first one to see me and she scowled.
"You can't be up here. Visiting hours ended at nine." she told me harshly.
I opened my mouth to speak, when the nurse who was on the phone stood, placed the device back on the receiver and whispered something to the other nurse. She smiled at me when she turned back around. She was young, probably fresh out to med school. Her curly brown hair was pulled back into a pony tail and it bounced when she moved.
"I'm Maggie." she said sweetly. "Are you here to see Tommy?"
I nodded, swallowing upon seeing the grief stricken look on her face. Maggie hadn't learnt how to hide he expressions like most whom had been working in the same circumstances. I couldn't help but think how brave these women and men were that worked as nurses. I liked to help people, but I tended to get attached too quickly, and then when they were gone I wouldn't have been able to take it.
"He's in room 404. Down that hallway." she informed me.
My eyes followed hers down the hall to my right. It seemed to stretch on forever. The white walls and obtuse lighting were too similar to the ones that cadged me in back in Indianapolis. But I couldn't let my personal problems get in the way of seeing Tommy.
"You don't like hospitals do you?" Maggie asked softly.
I nodded agian.
"I'll take you to him then."
She walked to my side and gave me a quick smile. "Come on hon."
I hoped she was Tommy's nurse. He deserved a kind heart to take care of him. Maybe if my nurses had been like her I wouldn't have hated my stay. If she could make it through all the sadness that came with her occupation, and still maintain her personality, she would be great.
We made our way down the hall; every room we passed was dark and gloomy. More memories flooded back into my head, and I gripped my scared wrist tighter. Maggie stopped just short of room number 404, and faced me. The look she gave me made me nervous.
"I'm going to warn you." she said softly. "The injuries to his head were very severe, and he hasn't woken up since he's been here."
My stomach tossed in a sickening circle. "He's brain dead?"
"No, not quite. The doctors have gotten some brain activity, but he just hasn't woken up."
"Will he?" I almost didn't want to know.
She shrugged."The doctors say it is too early to know. I think they were hoping hearing someone he knew would wake him." She touched my face when it fell. "There is hope." Maggie said looking into my eyes. "If there is anything I can get you. Let me know okay?"
"I will thank you." I muttered quietly.
Maggie walked back down the hall and to her station while I stood outside of Tommy's room. It was dimly lit inside and my ears detected the high pitched beeps of a heart monitor. I wasn't sure what a normal heart was supposed to sound like, I was sure that the sound I heard was not what it was supposed to be like. I was scared of seeing his frail body beaten and bruised, but I had to be there for him.
With a deep breath I stepped inside.
~oOo~
Never in my life had I ever seen a human being attached to so many machines and hoses. It was the most frightening thing my eyes had ever seen. The fact that Tommy was the person in question only made it a million time worse. My heart shattered into a billion pieces and I couldn't breathe. My eyes immediately teared up.
My little Tommy lay practically lifeless in the hospital bed with tubes in his arms and his nose. A large gash had been stitched shut along the left side of his beautiful face and his fore head. Both of his eyes were bruised a nasty color purple.
I stood there just looking at him for a long time, tears silently dropping to the cold tile floor. I felt so helpless and weak. There wasn't a single thing I could do to fix this for him. No matter of kind words or loving embraces and kisses could take away this kind of pain, and it killed me. If only there was a way I could take all of the pain from him, I would endure it, all of it just to know he was okay.
Beside the bed was mediocre looking reclining chair, placed on four pivoting wheels that I used to set close to him. I took he hand in mine- it was so cold- and pressed it gently to my lips. His fingers didn't curl around mine like I wanted them to, instead they stayed cold and lifeless.
"I'm so sorry Tommy. . ." I murmured, as more tears fell down my cheek.
This was my fault. If I had and checked on him before I went to the school, and insisted on taking him to the show, than neither of us would be here. The room was quiet, except for a clock hidden somewhere in the darkness of the small space. The minuet hand filled my ears with a continuous ticking that seemed to be counting down to something, and I didn't like it. I wanted it to stop, and keep it from stealing what time I had left with him.
But time was stubborn, and pass it did like nature intended. It passed in slow lulls that ached like the pulse behind a wound, in a silence that could only be described as defining. Silence was painful when it was the only sound you could hear.
In that time I never moved, not even an inch. My head was groggy and my eyes were heavy from my lack of sleep. I was sure my parents where looking for me. And what about Monte? I could have called my mom to tell him, but she would have just wanted me to come home and that was the last thing I wanted to do at this point. If I left and Tommy woke up, even just for a second, and I wasn't here beside him, I would never live with myself. Tommy needed me to be his crutch, which meant I had to be here, and stay strong even when it seemed impossible.
I sat close to him, one hand holding his, the other gently stroking his hair. Maggie came in and gave me another weak smile and waked over to the dry erase board on the wall. She wiped away the old date to put the new one: November 13, 1999. She checked Tommy's charts swiftly and moved on to her next patient.
Sleep deprivation was getting the better of me. I hadn't had a full nights sleep in almost seventeen hours, and every minute the clock ticked away, the heavier my eyelids got. Leaning forward, I rested my head on the mattress, my hand still holding Tommy's. As my eyes fluttered close, I felt a small twitch in my hand. My eyes shot open and I squeezed his fingers tighter.
"Tommy?" I said close to his ear. "Can you hear me?"
I watched, my heart pounding as he slowly opened his eyes. They were only narrow slits, but I could feel a new wave of tears coming.
"Oh my God. Tommy!" I softly kissed his cheek.
"A-Adam?"
My heart fell when I heard how low and labored his voice was. That little spit fire inside him had been extinguished. I brushed the hair from his eyes, and tried to smile at him.
"Sh sh sh" I cooed, smoothing his hair back.
I didn't want to cry in front of him. He didn't need to see me like this. I was supposed to be the strong and unbreakable one when he needed me to be. But I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by emotion.
Tommy shuffled weakly, cringing in pain.
"Don't." I whispered. I couldn't even imagine the pain he was in.
He was quiet a moment, taking shallow breaths. I watched his chest rise and fall like in my dream, only this time it was different.
"This. . .fucking. . .sucks. . ." Tommy whispered weakly. I allowed a slight smile to touch my lips for his sake. He didn't know how much I loved that foul mouth on him.
It was silent a moment more, and the ticking clock mixed with the shrill, slow beeps of Tommy's heart. I didn't want to hear either of them. The ticking or the beeping. They were both making me crazy, and they made my skin crawl.
"This is my fault." I murmured, rubbing my thumb along the cool skin of his hand. Tommy managed to roll his eyes and groan weakly.
"Don't you start. . ." He paused and took a few quick breaths. "Y-you had n-nothing. . .to do with this."
My vision blurred with tears. Who know a person was capable of crying so much.
"And. . .I don't . . .want . . . you cryin over me. . ." he stopped, closed his eyes for a short time, then slowly reopend them. "I'm. . .not worth it."
"Yes you are!" I disagreed.
Tommy shook his head, but didn't' say anything for a while.
"I want you to. . .promise me something." he breathed.
"Anything." I whispered.
"I don't want. . .you to give up. On anything. . .and n-never let anyone. . .tell you . . that you can't do it. . .because I know you can. . .fuck all the haters. . .don't you ever listen to them Adam."
The tears were streaming down my face by this the time his fragile voice finished speaking. "I won't, I swear I won't." I told him. "But you will be there with me. . ."
"Maybe. . ." Tommy murmured. "maybe not. . ."
"I know you will." I weeped.
It was quiet a moment and Tommy found the strength to pull his hand from mine and wipe one of my tears away.
"I'm. . .not afraid you know. Of dying. Not anymore. . .The way my life has gong, death will finally set me free. . .I j-just want to know. . .that you will. . .be okay."
My voice escaped me. Surely Tommy wasn't saying this, surely this wasn't happening. It just couldn't be. Why would this happen. Why? A crushing wave of anguish struck me, and I couldn't function. I didn't want to hear this. He needed me as much as I needed him.
"You saved me from myself Adam. . ." he continued. "Y-you showed me that not. . .not everything was bad. . .and even in the darkness there is light. Y-you are my light Adam. . .life was easier around you. . .that was all I wanted. . .and you brought it to me. . .just don't leave me."
His weak eyes bore into mine so deeply it froze my soul. I couldn't fully see the warm chocoate brown I loved so much, but it didn't matter. I would never forget them as long as I lived.
"Never." I promised. "I will never leave you Tommy."
Very gently I climbed into the bed next to him, molding myself to his side. His body was trembling and I draped the thin blanket around both of us. My arm wrapped around his torso, and his fingers squeezed mine.
"Adam." he murmured, "W-why were you upset the other day?"
I thought back to two days ago. "I wasn't upset. I was falling for you, and never thought I would actually have you." I smiled weakly.
Why was life so utterly cruel? How come things like this happened to the good people? I couldn't stand it. Tommy was so strong, and so young. His time couldn't really be up already. He was barely eighteen. It made me mad that life did this to people.
"Sing to me Adam." Tommy asked softly.
I didn't hesitate, and started singing the first song that came into my mind. It was the one that had been on the radio earlier. Listening to it then, I hadn't realized the irony of it as the rain fell around me.
When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain.
Tommy's breathes were soft, as he tried to hum along, still gripping my fingers as tight as his weak body would allow.
If we could take the time
To lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if want to love me
Then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain.
I let my tears fall full force because I just couldn't hold them back any longer. But despite the tears, my voice was sturdy as I sung the last verse.
And when your fears subside
And shadows still reamian
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain.
When the last lyrics left my lips, Tommy's voice spoke so quietly, it was almost inaudible.
"I love you Adam."
"I love you always. . ." I weeped.
A/N: Okay first of all, it is a cliff hanger and Tommys going to throw a fit, second ONE MORE chapter! And I'm not telling you a thing! haha I know im evil. But I loved all the reviews...even if some of them were about how much you were trying not to hate me! lol it's okay i love you all anyway! haha ;) Stay tuned, and leave me a review please *heart!*
