Jane Adjusting
"What have I done?" Jane whispered softly to herself as she gazed forlornly out of her bedroom window for the thousandth time that day. She had landed a week ago but had ventured out of her new apartment once and it had been for the barest amounts of food. Boxes lay unopened all over the floor and sparse furniture, her bed had no sheets on it and only clothes were the things she had unpacked as she needed them. If someone were to come into her apartment they would think Jane was moving out, not in.
Sighing Jane drew away from the window and trudged down her hallway, the faintest signs of a impression on the wood showed the world how often she had traveled up and down that hallway in that first week.
Reaching her kitchen she placed her hands against the cold granite top of the island and placed all of her weight against it, slumping her proud shoulders down and dropping her chin to almost rest against her chest.
Tears splattered softly against the island top as they soundlessly dropped from her eyes, her arms tensing and her hands gripping the edge of the counter so tight that her scars stretched painfully. Her shoulders shook from the silent sobs and just as suddenly as the crying started it stopped. Raising her head to look around her new kitchen she swallowed the disgust that bubbled inside her throat, hating that this was her new "home" hating everything about it.
Pushing herself forcefully away from the island she turned sharply to her right and stared out at her living room and the city that lay outside her living room windows. "I hate you." She thought darkly. A slight pain tingled from her abdomen and slowly her scarred hand slid under her shirt to gently finger the offending abrasion "I hate you more." She whispered harshly, dropping her hand back to her side. Quickly she stormed out of her kitchen, around her living room and went straight into her bathroom. Slamming the door shut she leaned back against the door for a few moments to gather herself.
Standing there she felt tears gather again in her eyes as she lethargically pushed off her support, rested her hands against the cool porcelain of the sink, and gazed somberly at her reflection, self hate brimming in her heart at what she saw in the mirror. A woman with sunken in cheeks and a frail frame with greasy hair and dull eye looked back at her with unflinching honesty. Softly Jane growled out "I hate you most."
She had no idea how long she stood there in front of the mirror gazing hatefully at her reflection but finally the throb of hunger peeled her away from the image and dragged her to the kitchen again to find anything to eat. Gazing at the empty cabinets and useless refrigerator, she sighed to herself and knew she would have to go outside to get anything to eat. Looking down at her appearance she knew she was going to have to shower and change into cleaner clothes.
Growling to herself at how things were growing complicated a brazen thought slipped into her mind "I wonder if Ma would let me come over for dinner or if Maura could bring something over." Her eyes widened at how quickly she reverted to her old thinking, the kind she used to have back in Boston, her old home and old haven.
Understanding washed over her as the concrete concept that by not leaving her apartment now, by dwelling only on what she gave up, she would never move on, her future would be to become a useless shell of woman. She refused to let that happen to herself, "I gotta get outta here." She spoke confidently for the first timesince landing in Dallas.
She'd had time to mourn and knew she would be doing a lot more of it in the coming months, but she knew that the worst was over and she knew she couldn't keep herself locked up here forever, it wasn't what she intended when she decded to move away from Boston, she wanted to get away from it all not bring it here with her.
Holding onto her resolve of needing to get out of her apartment she showered quickly, changed into clothes she wore all the time when working in Boston and headed for the door. Opening it slowly and staring out at the unknown hallway in front of her, she looked back at her apartment and for the shortest of seconds saw her old apartment, her old life shimmering behind her. She closed her eyes and felt a single tear fall down her cheek and softly whispered "Good-bye" and walked out of the door.
Her swagger wasn't as cocky as it usually was, her head wasn't held as high as she normally had it and her stance wasn't nearly as proud as she usually kept it, but she was not broken looking. Pride still could be seen from how she held her shoulders, cockiness ebbed from her swagger and her head was held high enough to show the world she was a fighter who did not give up. She would adjust to this New World, she had done her mourning and now was the time to move on. She had burned herself down and now it was time to grow from the ashes. Jane gazed calmly at the city roaring around her as she left her apartment building and took a deep breath in, breathing in her new city and felt for the first time that she could fit in here, that she could find a way to make her way here. She would adjust, it was that simple.
TBC
