Chapter 2: Rei

The apartment was cold.

This was not a revelation.

Commander Ikari's glasses watched me as I sat down, and as I undressed for a shower. They stood apart from the other objects in the room, since they could not be replaced.

Other objects could be replaced. I could be replaced. We were general categories, the furniture and I. Commander Ikari's glasses sat on the bureau because of an event that could not be duplicated.

This…disquieted me.

I walked to the bathtub and turned the knob. The water sent a shock along my arm. It was freezing, and my arm had not yet numbed from the cold. Commander Ikari demanded cleanliness, and expected thirty minute showers. Fortunately, I was prepared.


What does a shower mean?

It means shivering. It means tense muscles. It means that my head will hurt and constrict.

Will you take one anyway?

Yes.

And when you shiver and tense? When your head hurts?

Then I will remember that it was not the shower I desired, but self-control during the shower.



I stepped in. The water rushed over me. My limbs trembled, and then the pounding pain in my head appeared. My control slipped for a moment. I wished that I was out. I wished for a warm bath. When she was—or is it "we were"?--When I was young, I blamed myself for these lapses. Now I knew better. They were no one's fault. They just happened.

Water spat from the nozzle. My back and arms numbed as the water trickled down my legs to freeze the rest of me. I felt small tingles, then nothing. My skin acclimated quickly. Perhaps if I had more fat, I would be better insulated—

No. Commander Ikari would not approve. And only a fool relies on the body for comfort.

I thought I heard a knock. The water sloshed over my stiffened ears as I listened. Another knock came a seconds later, followed by garbled shouts through the stream of water. With some relief, I turned the faucet off again. Soap oozed down my hair and stung my eyes. This, too, was outside of my control, and I did my best to ignore it.

Commander Ikari's glasses stared at the door. I marveled at their patience. If they desired to, they could have stared forever. Unlike their former owner, they could watch over me for a thousand years. Men are mortal, and Commander Ikari was a man. I reminded myself of this whenever he praised me, to prepare for the loss when it finally came. It did not seem to help.

The door creaked as I opened it.

"Good afternoon," I said.

A slender boy with purple eyes and long black hair stuttered something I could not make out. He did not answer my greeting.

"Good afternoon, Prince Lelouch," I said again.

The boy found his voice.

"R—Rei…you, ah, might want to get some clothes on…"

"This is…inappropriate?"

"Afraid so."

"Oh," I said. "I apologize."

I pulled on my dresser drawer. It jerked, but did not open. Remembering to push down first, I tried again and succeeded. The clothes warmed me somewhat, but water and soap leaked onto the fabric and made me itchy. My eyes burned as more shampoo dribbled into them. The boy turned away while I dressed, just as Pilot Ikari had. I wondered if this indicated my body was unpleasant to look at. If so, Commander Ikari--

"Rei, I could come back later," Prince Lelouch said.

"I do not understand."

The boy leaned on the door. His shoulders were slightly tense, which probably indicated discomfort. He pointed at my hair.

"You might want to finish your shower," he said. "Your hair still has shampoo in it, and it looks like it's getting in your eyes."

"It is not harming me," I replied.

"Your eyes are tearing up," he said. "For crying out loud, I'm not a protocol Nazi like Guinevere. Just finish your shower and we can talk later."

I tilted my head at the boy.

"You misunderstand, Prince. The shampoo is not harming me."

"Rei, I really don't mind waiting."

"Harm can only occur when we desire a state which we cannot experience," I said. "I understand that my body is beyond my control, and pain is a bodily sensation. Therefore--"

"--Therefore, you try to suppress the desire for your pain to stop," he finished.

My eyes widened for a moment, which allowed more soap and shampoo into them.

"Yes," I said.

The boy rubbed his forehead, and then looked up again.

"According to Article 43 of the Cooperation Pact, I outrank you. Correct?"

"Correct," I said.

"In that case, I order you to finish your shower before our talk," he said.

"I…yes, Your Majesty. Do you wish me to undress in private?"

He did not say anything at first. His eyes snapped to my shoulders, which were shivering.

"Eh? Yeah. And make the shower short," he said.

"Clarify, please."

"No more than eight minutes."

"As you wish," I said.


The boy sat cross-legged on the chair when I emerged again. He insisted that I put on dry clothes, despite the wet ones' serviceability. I did not—

The glasses. The boy had touched the glasses, since they lay three inches to the right of their usual position. It was as Commander Ikari had said: Prince Lelouch wished to pry into NERV affairs. I felt my hands clench before I reminded myself that I must not be angry, since I could not influence his actions. Prince Lelouch's eyes followed mine, and he frowned. He must have seen my reaction. Slowly, he lifted his back from the wall and brushed gray grains of dust from his jacket.

"So…cheerful place you have here," he said.

"I do not understand," I replied.

This was not entirely accurate.

Prince Lelouch gestured to the room. The orange-and-yellow rays of the setting sun painted his shadow on the wall. It reminded me of the tiny scarecrows I had seen in the fields from my Evangelion. Or, more precisely, the scarecrows that had appeared tiny from the vantage point of my Evangelion. Prince Lelouch stepped away from his shadow when he saw it, as if it could brush against the cobwebs on the wall and get them on his jacket.

"This doesn't look very comfortable," he said.

The gentle tone in his voice might have been intended to deceive me.

"I prefer it that way," I said.

Prince Lelouch raised an eyebrow, probably to indicate disbelief.

"A comfortable apartment would be a liability," I continued. "It might be taken away from me."

Prince Lelouch sat back and seemed to consider this. After thirty-seven seconds, he leaned forward and opened his mouth, only to close it again. He remained silent for seventy-two more seconds.

"Must be kinda difficult when you have friends over," he said.

Despite his use of slang, he spoke very carefully.

"I do not have friends," I said.

His head shot up.

"Another liability?" he said.

"A distraction," I said. "If I pursue contentment and friends at the same time, I will obtain neither."

Prince Lelouch's lip curled slightly. He stood up and walked to the window with his hands crossed behind his back. His voice became harsher.

"Inner peace never helped anybody, Ayanami."

"No," I said. "But it grants freedom."

Prince Lelouch stood up straighter. He stopped breathing momentarily.

"And the loneliness?" he asked.

"People fear ideas about things, not the things themselves," I said. "Loneliness is like that."

"You're sure?"

"If loneliness were terrible, then Commander Ikari would suffer from it," I said. "He is alone, but not lonely."

Prince Lelouch turned around and fixed me with an odd look. He drummed his fingers on the desk.

"Did I offend—" I began

"No," he said, waving his hand. "It's just…you reminded me of someone I know. Knew. Well, a little of both, I suppose. Never mind."

I nodded.

"Very well, Prince Lelouch."

"…And you have no idea what Gendo's feelings are, so it's useless to speculate," he said.

I narrowed my eyes. This time, I did not disguise the gesture.


Why did I reveal my thoughts to this person?

Because you chose to. This, too, was under your control.

But…

You desired something and acted upon that desire.



"I wish to know the purpose of your visit, Prince Lelouch."

His eye twitched. With great care, he walked back to the chair and dusted it off. A cloud of particles swirled through the air and caught the light like mayflies.

"I saw your battle footage," he said. "I want to discuss it."

"That…would be agreeable."

Prince Lelouch smiled and motioned to the bed, so I sat down. We spoke for the next half hour about tactical matters. He proved competent. Most of his questions betrayed a superior grasp of EVA technology, just as Commander Ikari had said they would. I, in turn, asked him about the Fifth Child, Anya Alstreim. He described her in great detail, and expressed his hope that we could become…acquaintances when she arrived in Tokyo-3. I answered with guarded optimism.

He left.

I rose and pressed my ear against the splintered door. I listened to the clip-clop of his shoes as he descended the stairs. He stopped on the second floor, where a female voice greeted him in a whisper. She seemed bored.

"So…?"

"My guess is either rational emotive therapy gone berserk or hardcore stoicism," he said. "Considering Gendo's lack of a classical education, probably the former."

"What'll you do about it?" she asked.

Her tone seemed almost amused. She appeared to be challenging him, which was odd for a subordinate.

"Contact Lazarus and Clark at the BPA," he said. "I want a rundown of all the current methodologies in exit counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy."

"So you think…?"

"No. But it's a start."

The girl laughed once, though she did not seem particularly amused.

"Trust you to play mind games while the world's burning."