Chapter 12: Rei


Nunnally,

Don't contact me--I'll send word when I have the material you asked for.

Sorry about your sister.

--Kaji


Mountain... Heavy mountains. Things that change over time.

Sky... Blue sky. What your eyes can't see. What your eyes can see.

Sun... A unique object.

The ruling triplicity. The only triplicity.

A fractured world. Indifference.

Yet mountains change over time…

What?

Mountains change—

Water... Something comforting…

Yet wet and cold.

Commander Ikari.

An external force.

A positive force. A planner.

An external. Passions. Yui.

Flowers—

Commander Ikari.

Flowers—

Commander Ikari.

Glasses. Hands. Burned flesh on hands. Unique occurrences.

Also externals.

Flowers…

Very well. Flowers.

Flowers…So many of the same... And so many unneeded.

Sky... Red, red sky. The colour red. I hate the colour red.

Hatred. An emotion.

Yes. A weakness.

Love. An emotion. A weakness.

Yes.

Indifference.

Armor. Strength.

And touch?

No.

No?

No. Water flowing.

Blood... The smell of blood. A woman who never bleeds.

Man made from red soil.

Man made from man and woman.

City... Man's creation.

Society…Man's creation.

Eva... Man's creation.

Murder...man's destruction. Indifferent murder, though…

No…but perhaps…no! What is a human? A creation of the Unmoved Mover? The All? The One?

Yes.

Is man a human creation?

Is the One a human creation?

It is human.

And therefore…?

Another thought: The things I possess are a life and soul. I am a vessel for a soul.

A vessel for reason?

A vessel for reason.

The entry plug, a throne for the soul. Throne of the logos.

Who is this? This is me.

And the logos?

An infinity of causes. A progression.

And indifference?

Armor. Strength.

Strength that cannot be developed. Armor that cannot be worn.

But—

An infinity of causes, remember?

But…

But then…

Who am I? What am I?

Rei Ayanami, of course.

No—maybe. I am myself. This object is me.

Ah. Now we're getting somewhere.

This is the me that can be seen, yet I feel as though I am not myself.

…or free.

Or…Very strange. I feel as if my body is melting.

I can no longer see myself. My shape is fading.

I feel the presence of someone who is not me.

Yeah…that'd be Lilith. Or Yui. Same difference.

I--What?

Is someone there, beyond this?

Shinji.

Pilot Ikari?

One who will die.

But if—

Emotion. A weakness.

I cannot accept—

A weakness!

I know a person. Major Katsuragi.

Doctor Akagi.

Everyone. Classmates.

All will die, like Pilot Ikari.

The pilot of Unit 02.

Not responsible for her actions.

Commander Ikari?

Not responsible for his actions.

Who are you?

Who are you?

Who are you?

Pilot. Ikari. Will. Die.



"AH!"

My body shivered, although the plug was warm. The control sticks rested the same distance from my chest as they always had. Gray. My index fingers twitched on their triggers as someone spoke over the intercom in a soothing tone.

"You okay, Rei?"

Anya. Anya had spoken.

"I…I cannot pilot," I said.

"WHAT?!"

This was Operations Director Katsuragi's voice. She appeared highly agitated. Under the circumstances, her response lay within acceptable boundaries.

"Major Katsuragi," I said. "I cannot pilot. The EVA is performing…oddly."

"What's the problem?"

"It has strange dreams, Operations Director."

"Strange…what?"


My EVA's dreams were the second aberration that had entered my life that week. The first came earlier, and was named Anya Alstreim.

I discovered her when I returned from school. Commander Ikari had not warned me of her presence. When I arrived, I found her on the bed in a bathrobe. Her pink hair hung in wet threads. I assumed that she had used my shower—an assumption that turned out to be accurate when she greeted me with a flurry of complaints about cold water. I asked her how long she had spent showering.

"Are you kidding? I still have soap in my eyes!"

I had not noticed. Pilot Alstreim spoke angrily, like the Second Child often did—though I will not say 'rudely', since I did not know all of the thoughts that lay behind her behavior.

"I apologize for your discomfort," I said. "Although I am sure that as a pilot, you have the resources to deal with it."

I had intended this as a friendly assurance, but she did not interpret it in that vein.

"So basically, you're refusing to help me," she said.

I raised an eyebrow

"I did not intend to imply—"

"Just tell me where the sink is," she said.

"It is not operational. Moreover, it is just as cold as the shower."

Pilot Alstreim sighed in a way that indicated frustration and marched back to the shower, which she turned on. She held out her hand and made grabbing motions.

"Towel," she said.

I walked to the dresser and pulled my towel from the bottom drawer.

Commander Ikari's glasses watched me suspiciously.

Why have you let this girl into our room? they seemed to ask.

I have not, I replied. You did.

"Rei!"

Pilot Alstreim's tone suggested that this was not the first time she had spoken my name. She held my towel between her thumb and forefinger, wrinkling her nose.

"I am listening," I said.

"You must be kidding," she said.

"I do not understand."

She rolled her eyes.

"It's old and disgusting," she said.

"It is the only one I have," I said.

Pilot Alstreim blinked twice, and then her expression changed. She smiled at me, revealing dimples on her cheeks. Her eyes hardened. They looked me up and down, sizing me up as Commander Ikari's often did. Pilot Alstreim gestured at the cracked walls and piles of powdery cement beneath them. For effect, she gathered a spider's web from the corner and rolled it into a ball with her fingertips.

"You like this place?" she asked.

"It is adequate," I said.

Her grin broadened.

"Yeah. Right. You and I are going shopping," she said.

She noticed the Commander's glasses. Before I could stop her, she picked them up and tossed them from one hand to the other. I could not suppress a start. This, too, she noticed.

"I could buy you some new glasses, too," she said. "Contacts, even. Most guys prefer—"

"I do not need glasses," I said a little too quickly. "Put those—Please…please place those back on the table, Pilot Alstreim."

She frowned. Very carefully, she put the glasses back. As her arm dropped again, she tapped a finger against the side of her leg.

"Oooookay. You collect glasses or something?" she said.

"Only this pair."

Her smile returned.

"What if you lose them?" she said.

"I will not."

Pilot Alstreim snickered.

"No worries," she said. "I'm sure you'll have the resources to deal with it when the time comes."

As she said this, she made quotation marks with her fingers.

"I will not lose them," I repeated.

She shrugged.

"Hey, all I'm saying is that shit happens," she said. "Just remember that one pair of glasses is the same as another."

"I do not intend—"

I stopped in mid-reply when the implication of her statement occurred to me. I must have displayed signs of distress, since Pilot Alstreim nodded.

"Cognitive dissonance is a bitch, huh?"

I did not respond.

She clapped her hands together.

"Sooooo…." she said. "Shopping!"

Before I could reply, she dragged me out of the door.


"What happened then?" Pilot Ikari asked.

"She took me shopping," I replied.

We sat in the pilot's lounge—a small room with a red carpet and snack machine. I occupied the chair, while Pilot Ikari lay on the sofa. Between us sat a table with a pile of torn magazines geared toward young children. Pilot Ikari had once explained to me that these were "all that NERV had", which struck me as peculiar.

"Uh…yeah," he said. "Sorry. Kinda figured that. I guess that makes sense."

"Yes."

"…I mean, because of your new clothes and all. You don't go shopping at al—much."

"No," I said. "I do not."

He gave me a weak smile.

"It sort of looks nice. On you, I mean. Um…"

I looked at my sweater again. It was olive green. I smoothed an errant string of wool back into the weave. After wearing a dress for years, my jeans seemed tight.

"I do not agree," I said. "However…I am glad that you like it, Pilot Ikari."

He leaned back and placed his feet on the sofa's armrest, stretching them backward so that he did not rub dirt on them. He sighed. This usually preceded a show of emotional support—however moderate—so I crossed my hands on my lap and waited politely for him to speak.

After a short time, he did.

"Rei?"

"Yes, Pilot Ikari?"

"I hope you don't think I'm prying…"

"I do not."

"No," he said quietly. "I guess you wouldn't…"

He looked at his foot as he bobbed it forward and back—now pointing his toes, now extending his heel. Again, he sighed.

"Why did you let Anya take you?" he said.

My sleeves seemed a bit long--they brushed against my palms. I rolled them back.

"In life, Pilot Ikari, I have found that it is better to wish that things happen as they do rather than demand that they happen as I wish."

His brow furrowed. I wondered if this meant that he did not understand.

"I can explain further," I offered.

Pilot Ikari held a hand out.

"No, that's…fine, Rei. Thanks. I get it. I'm just saying."

I tilted my head to one side.

"Saying what?"

He shrugged. His collar must have bothered him, since he fastened his top button.

"I dunno," he said. "Just…"

"Yes?" I said.

"Well, I mean…If you don't stand up for yourself, she's gonna do it all the time, you know? And—"

He stopped as if he had realized something; but if so, he did not speak it aloud. After a respectable interval, I continued the conversation.

"I prefer to go shopping rather than to lose my calm through fighting against her," I said.

"Oh..."

I had wanted to give him some advice. This seemed as good a time as any, since the conversation had moved toward it.

"Pilot Ikari?"

"Yeah, Rei?"

"I find that this attitude helps in synchronization with the Evangelion," I said. "You may wish to try it."

Pilot Ikari removed his hands from behind his head and sat up. He seemed slightly more alert now. I was glad.

"How?"

"Close your eyes," I said.

Although he gave me a curious look, he did as I had asked. I placed my hand on his forehead. Ikari did not complain.

"Imagine that you are in the entry plug," I said. "Feel the liquid as it fills your lungs. It tastes of blood—notice this. The plugsuit clings to your skin; its exterior is wet and warm, but you cannot feel this. Rather, you feel rubber and your own sweat, and that your skin cannot breathe—"

Pilot Ikari's eyelids tensed.

"Okay…Er, thanks, Rei. I get the picture," he said.

"Very well. Notice your feelings here. Now imagine another scene. You are walking along a dirt road, with a rope around your neck. In front of you, a cart squeaks as it rolls forward. The rope rubs your neck until it blisters. Your raw skin stings in the sun."

Pilot Ikari closed his fists.

"Can't I fight it?" he said.

"You cannot."

"Who's driving it?"

"He wears a headdress with a lunar disk," I said. "You cannot see his face. Nor is he particularly relevant at the moment—"

"Okay, fine. I ask the driver his name," Ikari said.

"That is not the…Very well," I said. "The cart driver says that he is the Logos, manifestation of the World-Mind which is both male and female, articulated through a god of fire and spirit, who formed the Seven Rulers—"

"Uh…"

"Yes, Pilot Ikari?"

"Never mind," he said. "I won't ask him."

"A wise decision."

His eyes were still closed.

"So how do I get out of it?" he asked.

"You do not," I replied. "Nor do you stand still with dull acceptance until the noose jerks you forward."

"Huh?"

"You must want to follow him," I said.

"Oh…"

"And this brings me back to the EVA," I said.

"I was wondering when you'd get back to that..."

"You must open your mind to her, Pilot Ikari. Accept her direction."

His eyes opened at last, and his jaw clenched. Irritation.

"Why can't she open up her mind to me?" he demanded.

An interesting double meaning.

"Perhaps…Perhaps she is trying, Pilot Ikari."

And very hard, at that…

A klaxon screamed. That was when NERV's personnel burst into the pilots' lounge and rushed us to the EVAs.


Another beginning.

I could feel the Tenth Angel's presence as it silenced the gateways to Akasha one by one. They shrieked in pain. Pilot Ikari smiled at me as he had when we had destroyed the Fifth Angel, and I felt strangely reassured.

Concentrate...

That was when my EVA's dreams began.


SEELE-09-Sprengel: What's happening over there?

GIkari: Calm yourself. The situation's under control.

SEELE-10-Eckartshausen: I'm not convinced.

SEELE-01-Lorenz: Nor am I. Unless you're absolutely sure where the Angel will fall, the game's up.

C.C.: I'll take care of it.

H.R.M. CdiB: Unacceptable.

C.C.: No choice. And you'll still have V.V. if I fail.

KNagisa: Adam's panicking, guys. Whatever you decide, do it soon.