Good Friend, Bad Habits
Chapter Five: Ms. Anderson,
"Sexual intercourse," Luna stated bluntly as everyone in the class attempted to keep straight faces, "is the reason most of you are here right now. Looking through your files, I found that there are a few cases in this class that involve masturbation," –here, Fred and George grinned broadly and scanned the room with curious eyes, while Hermione stared straight ahead, refusing to allow her concentration on the brick wall to waver for even a second- "but that's really rare."
"I'd hardly call wanking rare," Fred whispered to George over Hermione's head.
George stifled a laugh with a fist held up to his mouth. "Especially with this lot. That Zacharias bloke has never seen a twat in his life, I'll bet my right nut on it."
Zacharias, unfortunately, heard this, and turned sharply in his seat to glare at the twins who were now snickering loudly.
"I've seen more than you two combined!" he snapped, crossing his arms angrily over his chest.
"Seen more what, exactly?" Fred shot back.
"More- more…more action!" Zacharias spat, rather lamely and unconvincingly in Hermione's opinion.
George and Fred stared at him with very serious expressions, and Hermione instantly knew that Zacharias was about to be humiliated somehow.
"I'm afraid it's not really action-" George began, his words seamlessly flowing into Fred's.
"when you're choking the chicken-"
"spanking the monkey-"
"beating the meat-"
"bashing the bishop-"
"having a good old-fashioned night in with Palmela Handerson."
At this, exactly three people in the room let out loud snorts of laughter, one of them being Hermione. Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbott were the others; and all three were bright red in the face as they attempted to stifle their hysterical bursts of giggles.
Zacharias didn't find it funny at all. "Who the bloody hell is Palmela Handerson? Why are they laughing?" he yelled, glaring from one twin to the other and then to the three who were now positively breathless, nearly crying from mirth.
The twins were shaking with laughter, as well, while Luna was smiling indulgently from the front of the room, apparently completely fine with the way the class was going.
"I-it's- oh my," gasped Hermione between great sobs of laughter, her ribs positively aching to the point of tears forming in her eyes. She couldn't even get another word out as she dissolved into another fit of giggles.
"It's a Muggle saying," Finch-Fletchley nearly wailed as he tried to contain himself. "It sounds like the name of a Muggle porno woman, b-b-but it's-" he broke off, surrendering to the stitch in his side as he ducked his head into a new wave of laughter.
The pureblood witches and wizards in the room, aside from Fred and George, all looked rather confused still. The twins were positively beaming as they each held out their right hands to Zacharias.
"Palmela," Fred enunciated, moving his hand suggestively.
"Handerson," George followed suit, waggling his eyebrows at Smith.
The entire pureblood portion of the class, sans Luna, groaned loudly. Everyone except Zacharias broke into renewed chuckles.
"I don't get it," he huffed, apparently feeling the whole room was in some conspiracy against him.
Nearly everyone turned to stare at him in disbelief after finally managing to calm down.
"He's a right git, isn't he?" Fred asked Hermione once things had completely settled down and Luna had begun her talk again.
Zacharias, though there was no way he could've missed Fred's comment, had the good grace not to respond this time.
A/N: This isn't actually anything important to the story (is anything important to this story?). It was just something that demanded to be written, whether it worked or not. My Weasley twins are based a lot off the the MacManus brothers in Boondock Saints XD I only just realized that. In fact, not going to lie, I started writing a spoof on Boondock Saints starring the Weasley twins. Ooooh my.
Anyway, this update will be the last for a week or so, as it's Spring Break. Thanks for all of the reviews and everything; you're all wonderful as always.
