A/N: Sav finds out about the night Holly J slept with Declan after the Grundy awards.
Four: every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. - ralph waldo emerson
The first time was not rushed, but careful. It wasn't that it lacked passion, but it wasn't wild either, which was fine because she didn't realize how nervous she'd be when it came down to it. They both had experiences before each other, but something rang true about taking it slow, and it was unspoken.
Holly J thought of losing her virginity to Declan because she couldn't help it. Maybe that's why they were both timid and clumsy in their approach. For all she knew, Sav was thinking of Anya. But, soon, after they had gone under the covers and unclothed, she was sure he was thinking the same thing she was: it would've been a shame to have missed out on this if they truly were heartless zombies.
But, that was her first time with Sav. Tonight, as she was undressing from her work uniform with her back facing him, she knew there was something different about the air around them. She turned on the heel of her bare foot, half-naked in her bra and skirt, to confirm that he was indeed staring at her. She suddenly felt a lump blocking her airway as she locked eyes with him. She didn't know if his dark eyes, that looked darker now, was an illusion from the lighting in her room.
Then, it was like he heard all the desperate thoughts in her mind, and he almost lunged for her. His lips felt hot against hers, and she spurred him on by slipping her hands under his shirt. His heart was palpably racing; she could feel her own pulsing heavily against her chest. She moved her hands from his front to his back, pulling him closer. She sighed into his mouth as he unclasped her bra.
"Sav," she said breathlessly, "bed. Now."
She gasped as he easily pulled her up and heaved her into her bed. He wasn't terribly rough, but she didn't mind the sudden way he was caring less about wrinkling her sheets or making things drop and scatter around them. After this, she thought less about musing about their surroundings, and felt more of her mind slipping into a hazy jumble of fragmented thoughts.
Sav was good. He was very good, she corrected herself, smiling coyly against her bed sheets. They still smelled of him, and he had left over an hour ago. So, as she lay in bed, sleepless, she let her senses run away with the smell of his faint cologne and her eager imagination. She liked the way he kissed. His lips were greedy in a ironic way, making sure they equally nipped at both the bottom and top parts of hers. His hands, and the places they traveled, were both generous as well. Then there was the way he let her guide him; he was adamant about sticking to his promise of letting each other feel good.
Then, again, she couldn't help herself. Her mind traced back to the night she lost her virginity and then went to the night Declan pleaded for more at Fiona's, and she felt guilty. Wasn't it bad enough that Sav was caught between these histories? Wasn't it bad enough that she still couldn't let go of something she herself had ended? Wasn't it enough that Sav, in his fervent movements and look in his eyes (maybe desperate was a better description, considering their almost permanent break-up), accepted her without malice? What did she want for herself? Then, just like that, her pleasure and happy nostalgia evaporated.
She went to sleep that night frowning deeply, but was determined to wake up with a better attitude and a not-so-obvious expression. It wasn't that she was hiding, she convinced herself, but that she was struggling with a tug-of-war of what she wanted. She didn't bother with a pros and cons list...yet. But, she wouldn't let anyone know about all of this, especially not Sav. She understood him now more than ever: being desperate doesn't mean you're allowed to do things on impulse, but the alternatives certainly look lonelier.
to be continued...
