AN: I know this took me awhile to write and I'm sorry about that. I hope you like it, thus far I'm still not sure where this story is going - if it's going anywhere. Also the Constance thing you will only understand if you know me personally and have been following my fan fiction for years, but its really just a little inside joke. Anyways Enjoy.
Maybe it wasn't the best idea to go to the bar after that conversation with Brendon, but to Ryan he had no other choice. He couldn't go back to the hotel and listen to Jon talk about how Ryan should talk about his feelings, there was a reason they are his feelings and no one else needed to know about them, at least that's how Ryan felt. Paying the cabby Ryan got out of the car and headed right into the bar, which he wasn't ID and wasn't really too surprised. Shrugging it off as he walked up to the bartender and said "Bottle of Jack." Ryan placed some money on the counter in exchange for the bottle which he grabbed and took to the back of the bar with him, hopefully regardless of his current mood he'd become a happy drunk, though that was seriously unlikely that he'd make friends. He'd probably get so drunk that he would piss people off that he shouldn't have, but wasn't the point of drinking yourself to oblivion; in hopes that someone will actually send you there? Opening the bottle and chugging about a one fifth of the bottle, when Ryan set his mind to getting trashed, there was no stopping him. For awhile he sat by himself wallowing in his own self-loathing. He honestly couldn't stand himself, he had become exactly who he didn't want to be, his father. Except Ryan refused to put someone thought what he was put through. That was the reason he had for not staying around Brendon, or that's what he kept telling himself. Ryan had always pictured himself alone, even when he was with Jac, or Keltie he was always so alone even when the wrapped their arms around them. It felt as if they weren't even there. Was that normal? Ryan was sure it wasn't, and he was sure it wasn't normal for him to hate himself so much for pushing the one person who made him feel like there was someone else in this world.
"What was he thinking…?" Ryan finally whispered to himself. "Loving me, if that's what it was." Ryan scoffed at his own words as he was now two thirds of the way through the bottle, in just under an hour later. "WHO COULD LOVE ME I AM OUT OF MY MIND!" Ryan burst out, and for a moment things went silent as the rest of the bar casually looked at him, before turning their heads. "Exactly, out of my fucking mind." Ryan whispered again as he took another swig of the Jack, before fumbling through his jacket in search of his phone. Finally finding it he flipped it open and then closed, open then closed, open then closed and finally just opened as he stared at it, before running his finger over the green phone, before tapping it quickly. "I'll show him how much he loves me." Ryan whispered as the phone began to ring.
"So Brendon how did you feel about the break up, and once you finally came back having Jon and Ryan say all the things they said?" Brendon looked back at the interviewer, how could people keep bringing that up. Couldn't they just leave it alone? It hurt more than they could imagine. "Well Brendon?" He persisted.
"Actually," Spencer began as Brendon's phone began to go off. He pulled it out of his pocket and glanced down at the number, it was Ryan… Brendon heart stopped as he shook his head.
"We're going to have to take five." Zack suddenly said as Brendon began to walk out of the room into the hallway, there was no way no matter what was going to happen, or going to be said in this conversation that the asshole interviewer was going to hear a single word of it.
"Hello? Ryan?" Brendon whispered as he continued down the hall to the dressing room where their conversation had taken place before hand. Locking the door behind him, this way there were no interruptions and Spencer didn't come looking to find out who was calling. Everyone the two of them really spoke too knew that they were in an interview, so Brendon was sure that Spencer was going to have more questions then he would have liked to answer.
"Hello Brennybear," Ryan's voice slurred, and it made Brendon feel sick. Wonderful, Ryan was drunk dialing again.
"Ryan, please, don't do this now. I'll be on my way as soon as this interview is over." Brendon sighed, he knew of course that either way Ryan and him were going to play more cat and mouse and Ryan, well he was the cat. Ryan always knew what to say to hurt Brendon, and Brendon wasn't sure why he didn't bother fighting his feelings off. Ryan didn't deserve him the way he treated him, actually the way Ryan treated anyone, Brendon wasn't sure why anyone put up with him. Was it because of his pretty face? Or his velvet voice, or was it just the way he looked at you, even when you looked deep down and saw nothing but emptiness, there was a glimmer of the words save me in them and at least Brendon, he couldn't turn away from it. His heart wanted what it wanted, and what it wanted was Ryan – despite the torment.
"Oh come on Bear, if it wasn't for me being drunk we never would have shared that first kiss." Brendon's face flushed crimson, it was true – but it had never gone further than a few drunken kisses. Brendon wasn't sure if he had ever wanted more than the soft kisses from Ryan's lips. Did he want to go further than cuddling? Brendon knew he was attracted to Ryan, but did he actually want to have sex with him? Brendon honestly didn't know, for sure. Though he wasn't sure he'd be able to back out of it if it came right down to it.
"Ryan, just… please." Brendon couldn't form thoughts he hated it when Ryan was like this, regardless of if it brought out the kisses the two shared, it brought out the worst in Ryan; and it killed Brendon. The things Ryan could say without a second thought, the way he could just tear right though Brendon without considering how it would affect him was an awful feeling. Brendon knew that Ryan was drunk, but after the first 100 times of him doing this, Brendon didn't allow that to be accepted as an excuse, because it wasn't. Ryan was who he was, with or without alcohol filtering his thoughts. Brendon gathered himself for a moment before Ryan began to speak again.
"Why is that you're coming to see me Bear? I've made it painfully obvious that I don't miss your company." Ryan lied through his teeth, but being drunk gave Ryan this odd sense of power, the power that would allow him for a short period of time to hate Brendon even if it was only until he sobered up again, that he realized he really didn't mean what he had said. He just couldn't imagine himself happy, with anyone – no matter how happy Brendon made him feel, he always wondered if it was all a lie. He knew he would never feel the way Brendon made him feel with anyone else – but Ryan knew that he could survive on his own, even if it was only barely.
"There is nothing you can say that will change my mind. I'm coming to see you like it or not." Brendon said firmly, as he choked back tears, again. Fighting with Ryan was always awful.
"Brendon fucking Urie misses my kiss." Ryan muttered, "my touch." Ryan began to grow louder. "His poor girlfriend." Ryan smirked at the phone and Brendon could hear the smile in his voice and it made his stomach twist, the interview was over regardless. He was going to Berlin, now.
"Don't bring her into this, I told you before this is about you and me, about us." Yes, Brendon was getting angry, but he couldn't keep fighting with one another over the phone, they needed to do it in person, just one last time; that would do it right? Brendon would realize that Sarah was all he needed and Ryan was nothing more than a fading crush… yeah right. Wishful thinking was now getting the best of Brendon.
"Maybe I should tweet about how you're coming to visit me. And when you get here I can post pictures of us kissing, and holding one another. That's what you want, isn't it bear. You want me to touch you like I used to?" Brendon couldn't hold it back anymore, tears streamed down his face.
"I'll see you in a few hours." Brendon hung up the phone as he whipped the tears away from his eyes. He couldn't understand why he was still doing this, but he couldn't stop himself even if he tried. Taking a deep breath Brendon walked out of the dressing room in search of Zack, though as if today couldn't get any worse he ran into Spencer.
"Brendon, what is going on?" Spencer was actually concerned, he could tell that Brendon wasn't well, he wasn't Brendon and hadn't really been since the break-up, but Spencer tried really hard to be able to be someone that Brendon could come too, but honestly? Brendon couldn't trust anyone with this, because he didn't even really trust himself with it. The idea of loving someone else, while you're in a relationship – yeah, that wasn't something that you trust anyone with, especially when you're not sure of your feelings; well not exactly sure of them. "Who called?"
"Spence, I really don't have time for this right now, where is Zack, I need to leave."
"But the interview."
"Spencer, just drop it. We can reschedule, this can't wait. I know I am starting to sound like one of those celebrities, but just trust me this is something I need to do." Brendon pushed by Spencer, jaw dropped – but Brendon really couldn't deal with this anymore. Walking back into the interview room spotting Zack and walking right up to him, "I need to leave now. Book the flight, I need to get a couple things from the house."
"Uh, what about Sarah?
"Don't worry about her. I'll figure it out." With that said Zack just nodded, he might not have been crazy about the idea but he knew there was no stopping Brendon from doing what he had to do. Zack picked up the phone, as Brendon walked out.
"Brendon?" Ryan whispered at the dial tone he was now hearing. "He really hung up on me, that bastard." Ryan finished off the last of the Jack, pulling himself up from the table and stumbling around the bar. "IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT!" Ryan shouted obnoxiously all eyes on him again some holding a glimmer of hope. "Ew, not by any of you." With that said Ryan shook his head and practically fell out of the bar, waving his hands around in the air trying to flag down a cab. "I need to get a change of clothes. Need to dress to impress I have a date with a boy tonight." Ryan giggled like a little girl. "Somewhere with Bilbo Baggins scarves." Ryan whispered as the car began to move. It didn't take too long before they were in the city where Ryan could find something to wear, though he wasn't sure how well this would turn out. He needed Jon. Gripping his phone in his hand he dialed Jon's number setting the phone to his ear. Ringing once, ringing – and then a voice.
"Ryan, get back here before you get so drunk that you…" Jon stopped as he heard small giggles coming from the other end. "Never mind, you are already there." Jon rolled his eyes and sighed rubbing his fingers against his temples. "Where are you, I'll come get you." Ryan stayed silent for a moment as he gazed out the window trying to figure out exactly where he was. Though his intoxication made it hard for him to actually comprehend all of what was going on around him. That bottle of Jack was a bad idea.
"Ummmmm," Ryan hummed before he leaned forward. "Can you tell my friend where we are going? So he can come and help me find the perfect outfit? Even though I am sure that I will ruin the night regardless, because I am one heartless bastard." Ryan whispered into the ear of the cabby as he stuck the phone to his head. "Go on, tell him."
"Uh," The driver hesitated, "we are headed into down where the strip is." He said and Ryan patted his head as he took his phone back.
"Did you hear that, Jon? We are all going to strip!" Ryan smirked. "Alright Jon, I'll see you soon."
"Wait Ryan, just keep—"dial tone. And Jon almost threw his phone across the hotel room, he was going to need it if he was going to ever find Ryan.
"Stop here!" Ryan shouted pulling a few 20's out of his pocket and handing them to the driver before getting out of the cab walking down the strip until he found a store that he felt he could find something he'd wear. Looking around at all the different button ups, and the vests and the skinny pants, it was almost like Heaven, though Ryan knew that he would never wind up there. Good things just didn't happen to him – or maybe he just didn't let good things happen to him. Either way, this was not Heaven no matter how much it might resemble it in Ryan's mind.
Brendon walked out to his car, tear stained eyes – trying to figure out what he was going to tell Sarah, but there was nothing to tell her. His life was turning into a sitcom. Right now he was on his way to grab clothes to go meet a man, actually the man that made him question his feelings for Sarah, time and time again. Brendon wasn't sure if Sarah knew about everything, maybe she just brushed everything off as rumors, but honestly? Brendon didn't know for sure, and he didn't know how she could love him anymore – he wasn't who he wanted to be anymore. Whipping his eyes once more before he pulled out to the road, mind completely fixed on Ryan – which probably wasn't where it should be, it should be on Sarah. Sarah never said one bad word to Brendon, it didn't matter if he was late – or gone for weeks or months at a time, she waited. She loved the long phone calls and the whispers of I love you's. She was infatuated with the whole idea of her being the one that captured his heart. Brendon, you should have never wrote that song, though the undertones should have made her realize that though I said I love you – I meant I just like you a lot more than most people.
Brendon was speeding home, mostly because of how upset he was – but this trip could possibly ruin everything for him. The way he had snapped at Spencer wasn't right, he was going to have to apologize and explain everything – and when he said everything he meant all the way down to the kisses, to the break up, to his feelings for Ryan while being with Sarah, and let's not forget all the fake smiles. This was going to suck. Brendon pulled into the driveway and out of the corner of his eye he saw Sarah poke her head through the blinds. In a way it was kind of creepy, that she waited like that. Glancing in the mirror whipping the tears once more before heading inside the house. Brendon don't say anything, just get your clothes and get out – there is no reason for you and Sarah to fight, and that's what will happen. Just play it cool and ignore her. Brendon opened the door, and so much for not saying anything because just as the door opened Sarah flung her arms around Brendon's neck and placed an ever so loving kiss upon his lips – whispering about how much she missed him while he was gone. Though it didn't make much sense, he wasn't gone for that long.
"Zack called to apologize; he forgot that he had left you a message to come in early – though it turns out that he really didn't need too."
"Yeah, he called after I was already there and since he was on his way already I figured I might as well stay." Brendon grabbed her hands from around his neck and brought them down to her side. "I actually I have some kind of upsetting news." Brendon looked away because he'd be able to see the sorrow fill up in her eyes, and he couldn't stand to see that. "I'm going to have to go to Berlin." Since Brendon still hadn't really come up with an excuse he turned on his foot and headed up the stairs to grab a few things of clothing, but in the back of his mind he knew she was going to follow him up there no matter how much he didn't want her too.
"What do you mean? You just got done with your over sea's tour, can I come?" Shit. Why did she have to become so needy and dependent? In the begging she did her own thing, she was fine with me being gone and Hell we didn't even talk all that much, but now? After those stupid three words had been said, she was attached and there was nothing that could be done to remove her.
"No." Brendon said simply hoping that'd just be the end of it.
"Well why not? You've let me come with you over seas before." Brendon looked up at her and then instantly looked away, he felt his heart sick into his stomach because now he was going to have to say things that he really didn't want too, because she was going to persist if he said it was because Zach said no, because then she'd call and beg Zach and if he said no she'd persist to Brendon about how he had to change Zach's mind and it would be an even bigger mess than it already was.
"Because I don't want you to come, honestly? You don't want to know why I have to go." Brendon was cracking into millions of pieces, what the Hell was he thinking saying something like that – that just was going to make things worse, though Brendon wasn't sure he could feel worse than he already did, but here it goes.
"What do you – what do you mean you don't want me to come?" Brendon could hear the cracking in Sarah's voice and it hurt, too much. Brendon let out a sigh as he grabbed the last of the things he was taking with him and shoved them into his bag zipping it up and looking up to her, he was starting to become numb, but it wasn't exactly comfortable.
"I'm going to see Ryan. Jon called, he's sick and bitching and Jon thinks I'm the only one that can calm him down and convince him to go to a hospital." Brendon just hoped that the lie he just told would make up for the mean things he had said, and it would help her sleep at night. "I'll call you when I land." Brendon said finally as he walked over to her and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "I love you." He whispered, almost as if he didn't want her to hear it. Just as he started to walk away Sarah grabbed his wrist and smiled, softly.
"I love you too." She said, firmly. She meant it with all of her being. Brendon managed a weak smile and walked down the stairs and out the door to the car without another word.
Once Brendon made it to the airport he saw Zack waiting for him. It puzzled him but at the same time he didn't really expect anything less. Walking up to Zack with a blank face and a heavy heart pound against his chest, doing what he was doing made him feel like he imagined people who were about to commit suicide felt. A wave of depression washing over them as the adrenalin pumped its way through, the last little bit of hope that was left trying to hold on to life – and then, just emptiness. That's how Brendon felt, empty.
"Are you sure you want to go through with this? You know as well as I do how bad of an idea this is. I know how you and Ryan are; regardless of the masks the two of you display for the world." Zack really did know who the boys were down the their core, in a way it was kind of scary but at the same time comforting because at least someone out there knew who they were when they had no idea. Brendon simply nodded his head yes. There was no way he could back out of this now, and he knew that this trip was going to cause him probably the most incredible heartbreak of his life; but it needed to happen, he needed to either sever all ties or he needed to give Ryan all of who he was, whoever that was for the rest of his life. "Then if you're sure." Zack finished after a moment of silence, handing Brendon the plane ticket with a soft, meaningless smile just to bring Brendon some comfort, it didn't but the gesture was a nice thought. Brendon sucked his teeth as he headed through the terminal and to the plane. Taking his seat in first class, hopefully there would be no one around to bother him – like in the movies. There is always someone on the plane that talks to you, about everything – for no reason, like you are their best friend because you sit next to them on the plane. Brendon was not anyone's best friend, he had lost his best friend; he lost Ryan. Brendon leaned his seat back, maybe he'd be able to fall asleep – though he doubted it seriously, but it couldn't hurt to try.
"Ryan answer your damn phone I can't have you –" Jon's voice cut off for a moment hanging up the phone and shoving it in his pocket as the cab he was in pulled up on the strip, where Jon could clearly see Ryan. He stuck out like a sore thumb, surrounded by Asians. Jon sighed and shook his head. "Please wait right here." The cabby simply nodded and Jon rushed out of the car running into the store. Ryan was running around the store in nothing more than his boxers and a scarf. Now Jon had seen Ryan do a lot of stupid things but this? This was beyond weird, and Jon couldn't figure out if this had more to do with Bilbo Baggins or if this was something about Charles Bass. Shaking his head as he grabbed Ryan's arm quickly, "where in the world are your clothes?"
"I took them off, silly, can't you tell?" Jon sighed, and shook his head. He kind of wanted to kill Ryan for deciding that he didn't want to be a part of Panic! At the Disco anymore, and since Brendon and Spencer we're a large reason why Ryan picked up and left – Jon couldn't just leave him out to fend for himself, he had to come along. Though the boys had their disagreements, and they might not have all wanted the exact same thing; they did grow rather close, and it was hard for even Jon to say the things he said just to make it seem like he didn't care anymore, 'cause he did – just not as much as Ryan.
"I can see that, let's put them back on."
"No!" Ryan screamed.
"Ryan, don't scream like a child at me. You will put your clothes back on."
"No! They are not pretty enough I need to look pretty for Brendon."
"Ryan, it doesn't matter what you are in Brendon will think you are pretty no matter what." Which Jon and Ryan both knew were true, but in Ryan's drunken state he didn't care.
"No, I don't want my clothes. I want these ones, Jon can I have these ones?" Ryan grabbed a pair of jeans and a floral button up off the shelf nearest to him.
"Fine, put those on right now and I'll pay for them and then we have to go back to the hotel. Brendon's flight took off about 2 or 3 hours ago, he should be here soon. You wouldn't want to miss his arrival would you? Picking him up at the airport?" Ryan lit up like a child on Christmas and quickly put the clothes on as Jon went to the counter to pay for the clothes, damages' that may have been caused and for the fact that the woman didn't call the cops. As soon as Ryan was dressed he ran right up to Jon and grabbed his arm and began tugging him out the door.
"Jonny, we can't be late to get Bear." Ryan had so many mood swings when he was drunk he'd be in a good mood about Brendon coming until Brendon actually got there and then it would be a whole different story. Ryan would start feeling the pain that he had drank away for the moment and he'd become angry and he'd say awful things and break Brendon's heart, over and over again with all the words that he would say about how Ryan never needed Brendon; though he needed him more than words could say.
"Alright, alright there is a cab waiting outside, let's get Brendon." Ryan light up and ran towards the nearest cab and Jon followed slowly behind him. Jon felt kind of bad because honestly he had caused all of this, calling Brendon and asking questions but Jon could not stand to see Ryan like this anymore. Brendon or Ryan needed to do something and as shy as Brendon was about the whole thing with Ryan he was the only one that would admit that there was something between them, the only one that would admit out loud that he needed Ryan in a way that he couldn't explain. That Ryan was the one that made him happy, the one that brought him the best things in life no matter how he made it seem. Brendon was the only one that would admit that he loved Ryan always had and always would even if he had been trying for years to brush it off as a crush. Once the two boys were in the car Ryan smiled and wrapped his arms loosely around Jon with a wide smile on his face.
"Thank you so much Jonny, I missed my Bear so much." Ryan almost whined in the cutest way, he honestly did miss Brendon and drunk was the only way he'd ever admit to it. "To the airport, please." Ryan said quickly leaning against Jon's shoulder as the cabby put the cab in drive and headed to the closest airport.
Brendon felt something, or someone brush against his shoulder and he let out an annoyed sigh as a girl sat next to him the only thing he could do was hope that she didn't know who he was – or even better didn't care who he was. She turned to face him and he smiled before looking away, as friendly as he may have appeared on most days, today wasn't one of them he just wanted to be left alone.
"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you." The woman whispered, wonderful it was one of those people that felt the need to intrude into his life.
"No worries." Brendon said quickly as he leaned back into his chair again getting comfortable hopefully and fall back asleep, if that was what had happened.
"Are you who I think you are?" The woman stared at him examining every feature in his face and he frowned, great it was someone who knew who he was and now he was going to have to fake happiness he couldn't be rude to a fan.
"Depends on who you think I am." He smiled faintly glancing between the woman and anywhere else. She was attractive, big hazel eyes that did nothing but remind Brendon of Ryan's and a soft mouth that did nothing but remind Brendon of Ryan's and a round baby face with thick curly brown hair that fell around it, just like Ryan's.
"Brendon Urie, right?" The woman whispered with a small smile. "I went to see you on tour when I was younger the first and second, I don't think I'll have time to see it this year, sadly." The woman frowned before shaking it off without a second thought of it.
"The one and only, it's always nice to meet a fan." Brendon said keeping that fake smile upon his face sitting up a little figuring that this girl wasn't going to leave him alone for the rest of the trip. "What's your name?"
"Constance," she said softly pulling out her iPod, and scrolling though the pictures before stopping and showing one of them to Brendon. "Remember me?" She smiled and Brendon scanned the picture and nodded.
"A little, that was Pretty Odd tour. Zach really hate that headband." Constance laughed.
"I picked up on that. I just wanted to get your attention is all."
"Oh you did, you're the one that yelled at me, right?" Constance face flushed red.
"I can't believe you remember that, and I'm honestly sorry. It's just I had the biggest crush on you, but now I know you belong with someone else." She pulled away her iPod and stuck it back in her backpack. Brendon let out a soft sigh, how could she possibly think that I belonged with Sarah.
"Possibly." Brendon whispered without thought. "Not so sure that Sarah is endgame." It really couldn't hurt for Brendon to tell a fan how he was feeling, or kind of feeling.
"I wasn't talking about Sarah," Constance retorted quickly with a soft smile and Brendon's heart sank.
"Than who are you talking about?"
"I think you know or you wouldn't be on this plane alone." Constance grabbed Brendon's hand and rubbed her soft fingers against the back of Brendon's hand and looked into his eyes. "I know that the heart wants what the heart wants, and if you don't give it to your heart it's going to haunt you. No one will blame you for following the path of love, not Sarah, not your fans, not your manager and not Zack and most certainly not Ryan." The girl pressed a soft kiss against Brendon's cheek and Brendon smiled, a real smile.
"Thank you." Brendon said simply.
"You both deserve to be happy, and I know you know that happiness lies with one another rather than split apart." Constance may not have actually known a thing about Ryan and Brendon and she might have not really known about the complexities in the relationship – but she was right about how the two of them needed one another for happiness, or Brendon knew that he needed Ryan and could only hope that Ryan felt the same way.
"You think he feels it too?" Brendon asked after a moment or so of silence between the two almost strangers.
"I think he felt it before you did. I think that Ryan tried so hard not to feel it that he let you slip away. I think seeing you with Sarah really set something off. I think Ryan wants you to be happy, and I think him leaving the band, leaving you was the only way he felt was possible." Constance pulled out a notebook and a pen as she began to write down words that Brendon could only follow as a story of some sort.
"I love him, you know?" Brendon finally said, he hadn't said it out loud to anyone in his life and he felt like telling Constance that it would be a secret between the two of them, for whatever reason he felt as though his thoughts, his feelings were safe in her hands.
"I've known for a long time." Constance smiled.
