Chapter Five:
"So…you're going on a date with Batman."
"Yep."
"Hm." James walked up to Piper, who disturbingly enough seemed to be getting a fashion consultation from his rats in preparation for his date. A line of rodents were gathered on his dresser, either bobbing their heads enthusiastically or twitching their whiskers with disapproval as Piper held up green shirts of various hues.
This made James' query somewhat redundant, but he still grabbed Piper's shoulders for a shake and yelled at him. "Are you insane?"
"James, cut it out!"
"Reformed or not, anyone with criminal in their job history should not date Batman!"
"Tell that to your girlfriend," Piper returned. James scowled at the highly valid point. "Besides, it's not a date with the scary one."
"Nope. It's the scary one's surrogate son. That's loads better," James snapped. "This is gonna end with you dangling from a streetlamp outside the GCPD building."
"Maybe. Or it'll end in really hot sex. I'm hoping for the latter. After all, I was drugged last time. I'm sure it'll be better with a clear head." Piper held up a sweater that got unanimous approval from the plague bags. He turned towards James. "What do you think of this color?"
The temptation was of course to point out that Piper should not let rats pick out his clothes…except that they'd done a good job. That particular shade of green suited Piper really well. To his own amazement, James nodded his approval and Piper happily changed into the sweater.
"Whoa. Still haven't put on that much weight since when we were on the run, huh?" James couldn't help but observe, being treated to the first sight of Piper's sickeningly thin frame without a shirt.
Piper's face reddened. "It's a good thing the sweater's baggy then."
"I don't think it's supposed to be."
"Let it go James."
"I could do that. But I'd much rather make you waffles. Yeah, and cupcakes, and smoothies…hell, I could just shovel Crisco down your throat."
Wow. That glare was almost worthy of the scary Batman.
"I'm about to leave for a date with someone who is not only younger and prettier than me, but also tantalizingly flexible and kinky. Can you not point out my state of yellowed and gaunt malnourishment?"
"But why are you so malnourished? Since I've been res'd, things have calmed down loads. Aren't you back to normal now?"
And then James was thrown bodily from the guest room, the door slamming shut and locking behind him. He was about to force entry when Selina skulked by him dangling a Victoria's Secret bag from her wrist.
Goodbye brain.
"Hey Pretty Ki-oof!"
She yanked him into their room and slammed and locked the door.
It may very well have been possible for James to spend the rest of his life tied to Selina's headboard and be one hundred percent okay with it. But damn, that had been fun. He was going to be sore later (okay, he was kind of sore now), but it was worth it.
Sadly, Selina untied the silk scarves symbolically holding her willing captive in place. James didn't really mind though, since he got a wrist massage out of the deal, and then a sated Kitty curled up next to him, trailing one of the scarves over his chest.
"James…"
"Mm?"
The conman in him should have had a problem with that wheedling purr of a tone. But Selina had just killed that wary conman side of James but good with sex.
"James, I need you to do me a little favor."
No one ever pressed you to agree to a favor without telling you want it was up front unless it was really, really awful. But Selina had James in the palm of her hand (so to speak), and he found himself giving enthusiastic approval. Of course he'd do anything for her.
Later that night, when he was wracking his brains for a straight male acquaintance to hook up with Harley fucking Quinn, he decided he needed to work on his immunity to the lovely Catwoman's beguiling charms.
In anticipation of her upcoming blind date, Harley went out shopping and treated herself to half a new wardrobe. While she was hauling in her first round of bags, a trail of red and black gummy bears caught her eye.
"Oooh!" She left the bags in the entryway and bent down to pick up the candies. The trail brought her to her bedroom, where she found rose scented candles burning, while a CD of romantic instrumentals quietly set the mood.
Ivy was posed seductively on the bed, wearing a few carefully placed leaves and flower petals. The bed had been cleared of all stuffed animals, and Harley's brand new hot pink zebra print bedding had been replaced by a much classier forest green.
"Hello darling," Ivy purred.
Harley excitedly threw her uneaten gummies in the air and tackle-hugged her lover with a squeal of delight.
Piper glumly trudged back into the animal shelter a mere forty five minutes after he'd left. While he was still locking the front door behind him, Harley ran through the room giggling. She was wearing a lacy bra and panty set, carrying a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses.
"Hiya Ratguy!" She trilled, before running up the stairs.
Well that didn't help his mood any.
He passed Selina in a similar state of undress as he was walking up to the guest room. She stopped to wave at him, a satisfied smile on her face. There were teeth marks on her cleavage.
Great, just great. Everyone had gotten laid but him, and he'd had plans dammit!
"Everything alright Hartley?" Selina asked, noticing his mood.
"Oh yeah, friggin' peachy," He snapped before stalking off.
He was on the bed with his face down on the pillow when Selina shoved James into the room.
"Ow! Hey, c'mon Selina, whaddya want me to do?"
"He's your friend James! Fix it!" With that she slammed the door again.
"It's okay James, you can leave," Piper said, voice heavily muffled by the pillow.
"No I can't, for I am far too whipped. So what happened?"
Piper sat up, then blinked. James was wearing striped blue and yellow boxers and fluffy lime green slippers. "I think you've found a new category beyond whipped. Would you like to borrow some clothes?"
"Yes please."
Once James was dressed he repeated his query. Sighing, Piper fished a piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to James. It had a bat symbol at the top.
"He didn't even show up. And look, no attempt to make new plans. He just blew me off!"
"It says a family thing came up though," James pointed out. "From what Selina says, that's probably legit. The Bats are always having issues with each other."
"He could have called. He has my number."
"Maybe he wanted to show off the Bat stationary?"
"Eh. Whatever, I'm over it. It would have been fun, but I've been doing fine alone. Besides, now there's no reason for the scary Batman to come after me."
James frowned. "Hart, I don't think this is him trying to get rid of you. He's probably going to call you."
"Come on James, do you really think that's likely?" Piper asked.
"Well yeah, I kinda do."
"Look, he probably just realized trying to date me was more hassle than it's worth. There's the secret identity business, the fact that his friends think I'm evil, and by now he's had enough time to do a background check on me and realize how little I have to offer a relationship at the moment. But I swear I'm okay."
His eyes didn't look it, but James decided to let him drop it. For now, anyway.
"So how was your night?" Piper asked. "Better than mine, I take it?"
James scowled. "Kinda. Selina played me but good. She wants me to fix Harley up with one of my friends."
"Oh. Did you explain that that's not happening?"
"She made me promise to help before she told me what she wanted."
Piper stared at him. "How'd she-"
"Silk scarves, headboard, spiked heels and a whip."
"Lord you're pathetic."
"And how many stupid team ups did I con you into before you realized I was straight?"
"I was twenty one. That's totally different!" Piper blurted defensively.
"Ah huh."
"Well those idiotic teamups only ended in jail time when Iron Heights was still soft. I've never had to fix the Joker's exgirlfriend up for a blind date," Piper gloated.
James melodramatically fell back onto the bed, an anguished look on his face. "I really gotta do it too. I am that whipped. Piper, you're the only friend I've got left and you're far too gay to be any use. What am I gonna do?"
It was actually a relief that James wasn't asking him to go despite his sexual orientation. The man did look pretty desperate. "It' is quite the mess." Piper thought for a moment. "Is there a former friend you hate least that you could mend fences with?"
"Danny, but I can never find him. Plus he's a hero. He'd never go on a date with Harley, no matter how much he likes blondes."
"Alright, who else?"
James chewed his lip thoughtfully. "If Sam weren't all dead he'd be a good choice. Or Roy. Wouldn't he click with Harley?"
"However…"
"Right, too dead. Okay, let's focus on the living…argh! This isn't working! Wait, Harley goes both ways! Do I know any lesbians?"
"Maybe another angle then. Do you know anyone who'd actually want to date Harley Quinn?"
James scowled. "You mean do I know anyone desperate enough for a date that they'd forget about the Joker?" Oh, wait…
