Chapter Six:
Meanwhile, Dick was crouched between two gargoyles, trying to finish a text message that he'd been composing on and off for the past two hours (it was hard to thumb-type with the bulky Batman gloves). He got another full word in before Damian finished with the mugger he was concussing, and he had to snap the phone shut and hide it in his utility belt.
"Are you going to help at all tonight?" Damian snapped.
"Do you need it? You barely broke a sweat on that group."
"I know, but I figured you were here to serve some kind of purpose. If you don't want to help, you should just leave. The city's pretty quiet tonight."
Yes, it very much was, which meant that Dick's date would have gone on without interruptions, had he been able to go. Stupid friggin' Bruce and his timing.
Dick had spent most of the day avoiding Bruce and Damian, hoping to sneak out as close as possible to his appointed meeting time with Piper. As he was running for the Bunker to grab his mask and a bag of clothes, Bruce had materialized from the shadows as was his habit and asked Dick for a favor.
"Just keep Damian occupied for the night. I need to interview a few DJs, and then Clark's coming over to help me work on the party activities."
"But Bruce, I…" Have no legitimate excuse not to. At least, not an excuse that would seem legitimate to Bruce. "Yeah, sure."
Bruce fixed him with that deductive look that Dick absolutely did not want to see while he was kinda-sorta seeing someone behind his ex-guardian's back. "Are you…you know what, I'd rather not know. Before you leave, do you mind giving me your opinion on piñatas?"
Dick snorted. "Well if the rest of the party goes to hell, giving Damian a stick and telling him to whack something harmless can only help, right?"
Bruce nodded. "Alright, that's actually what I was thinking."
"How many activities are you up to?"
"Other than the music, which implies dancing, I've decided on piñata and moon bounce. Do you think that's enough yet?"
Dick shrugged.
"I'll ask the Kryptonian. Have a good patrol."
"Yeah, bye."
So Dick had suited up, headed out, and met up with Damian where he'd been intending to meet Piper. He managed to scribble off a note for Piper without Damian seeing, but that was the best he could manage. Wally had always made it sound like Piper was a chill guy. He'd understand…right?
Morning at the animal shelter found James in the kitchen, happily whistling The Merry Go Round Broke Down as he cooked pancakes for the pseudo-criminals in residence. Selina strolled in and started setting the table, taking note of his good mood. He'd been stressed out over her favor request the last time she'd seen him.
"Did you find Harley a date already?"
"Yep. Piper helped me figure something out. I called the guy last night and loaned him the cash to fly in from Keystone. Impressed?"
Selina walked up to him and kissed his cheek. "Of course I knew you could do it. Fixing up my friend should be nothing compared to talking your way out of Neron's grasp, right?"
"For the thousandth time, I did not exaggerate! I legit saved the world from him twice."
"Sure you did sweetheart." She patted his head and went back to setting the table.
"Why doesn't anyone ever believe me?"
In truth, Selina did believe James (it wasn't like the heroes were great at sharing credit), she just thought he looked cute when he pouted.
"So who did you fix Harley up with?" Selina asked. James mumbled a name under his breath. Feeling a pang of uneasiness, Selina set the last plate down rather more forcefully than she'd intended and fixed James' back with a look. "Sorry hon, didn't quite catch that."
"Uh…Len Snart."
She quirked an eyebrow. "And that is…?"
"…Captain Cold."
"Captain Cold?"
"Yeah. Hey, he's a pretty decent guy, okay? Other than a little bit of weirdness recently, I was friends with the guy for ages and-"
"Just so I'm thinking of the right crook here," Selina started, feeling distinctly annoyed with her pseudo-boyfriend, "Captain Cold is the loser in the fur trimmed blue parka with the faux 3D glasses, right?"
"…Yeah. But, y'know, fashion sense aside-"
"Isn't he a little old for Harley?"
"That's your biggest problem with this?" James asked, turning off the burner and turning around to face her. "I think if anything, he's a little too sane for her."
Selina held up her hands. "This is on you, okay, I am trusting your judgment here. I mean, I don't actually know Snart, but from what I have heard, he's not remotely compatible with Harley."
"You said to fix her up for a date, not to find her a long term relationship! And come on, it's kinda hard to find someone willing to go out with the Joker's ex!"
"Excuse me." The fighting couple both snapped their heads towards the doorway, where Poison Ivy was glaring at them with her arms crossed over her ample bosom. "Harley is upstairs, sated and content, rendering your little scheme useless. I took care of it."
"Len's already on his way. He'll be here in time for dinner tonight," James spoke up.
Selina pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, we'll just let Harley decide. That's fair, isn't it?"
Ivy threw another glare at the both of them before storming out of the room.
"Hey, hey! Selina!"
"What?"
"You wanna go tell her this was your idea?" James snapped. "You know, since you coerced me into fixing up Ivy's girlfriend!"
"Ivy and Harley aren't dating, they're just sleeping together."
"Well I think she's green with more than chlorophyll this morning," James snapped.
Selina snorted. "She's not jealous. Ivy isn't capable of emotions other than anger and…variations on anger."
"She looked jealous to me, now go and take the blame please. She likes you more than me. I do not wanna be on the receiving end of that woman's wrath ever again if I can avoid it." James waved his spatula towards the doorway. Selina didn't move an inch, continuing to glare at him.
"Fine! You know what, I am taking my pancakes and hiding out with Piper. Let me know when Len gets here, because I am not coming down again until it's time to go to dinner."
"Alright James, fine. Throw your little tantrum."
"Alright, I will!"
"I don't think Ivy's going to kill you. She knows it would annoy Selina."
"You know you really suck at reassuring people," James whined.
"If you wanted reassurances before noon then you should have arrived with coffee," Piper returned. He rubbed at his eyes again and stole another bite from James' plate of pancakes.
"So'd you hear from the not-so-scary Batman yet?" James asked.
"He sent me a really confusing text around four am. Something about Robin-sitting for a party. Anyway, I called him and we talked for a little bit. He's going to come by tonight, hopefully while you're all out on your date and Ivy's still at work."
"See, told you he was still interested."
Piper shrugged off the 'told-you-so' and took another bite of pancakes. "Mm, seems to be the case. Damned if I can figure out why though."
"Because you're made of awesome?" James suggested. Piper rolled his eyes. "No, really. I'm so glad we've got this bromance thing going on. I don't really have any decent friends other than you. It's nice to have someone I can depend on."
"Well thank you. Likewise, I guess. I mean, I'd thought I had Wally, but…"
"Yeah."
Piper's phone started vibrating. He got up from the bed to grab it from the dresser while James finished off the rest of the pancakes. "Not-so-scary Batman?" James asked.
"Yep. Okay, I'm having a real hard time figuring out what he's trying to say here. I can't tell if he's got a really bad auto-finish or if he's just in a hurry."
"What'd he say?" James asked.
"'BMan wants take Robinout gota avoid meet u now?'"
"I think that means he's coming over now."
Piper swallowed. "Yeah, I think that's what that means too. Shit. Okay, you can keep hiding in here while I shower."
"Kay. Don't worry Hart, me and the rats'll pick you out something cute to wear," James teased. Piper grabbed an armful of hygiene products and ran for the bathroom at the end of the hall.
James lounged on the bed a moment longer before getting up to look at Piper's clothes, then did a double take when he saw the rats taking pieces of an outfit down from the closet while another group made the bed. James stepped back to watch, and once the bed was made the rats carefully laid out a hunter green dress shirt, nice jeans, and nudged a pair of shoes to the foot of the bed. They then deposited socks in the shoes and laid a hair brush on the pillow.
James shook his head, but decided he was better off not thinking about it too much.
Dick made sure to wear his Nightwing costume to the animal shelter this time. Piper seemed more comfortable for it, based on the smile he greeted Dick with when he let him into the "house".
"Hey Piper. Sorry about last night."
"It's alright, don't worry about it," Piper said quickly. "What was the family business? Anything interesting?"
"Yes…you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I probably shouldn't get into it just yet," Dick said, noticing Piper's expression grow guarded. Dick stroked the side of Piper's face, forcing him to look at him. "Hey, Piper, it's not you…it's our location right now, okay? This place is housing Bat-family nemeses, remember?"
"Right, sorry."
"It's okay. So…" It was a little early in the day for flirtatious crime fighting and kinky roof sex, which had been Dick's idea for last night's date. However, it was move the date up, or be roped into taking Damian clothes shopping for the party he wasn't supposed to know about. And considering Damian was almost as perceptive as his father, Dick had happily left that chore to Alfred (and really, he did feel a little bad about it, but it was still better Alfred than him). "So what did you want to do?" Dick asked, using his best sultry smile and enjoying the visible swoon he was getting from his companion.
"The honest answer? You," Piper said.
Dick grinned. He could work with that. Piper closed the distance between them for a kiss that was hot, passionate, and made Dick very happy he'd worn the Nightwing costume (which was incidentally much easier to get out of than the Bat-suit).
"Oh, scuse me," James said, turning bright red and blocking the part of the hallway Dick and Piper were making out in from view with his hand. He continued towards the kitchen with his plate while they continued ignoring him in favor of enthusiastic gropes and kisses. "For the record, you do have a room."
"Care to show me to this room?" Dick asked. Piper grabbed his hand and started tugging him towards the stairs.
Sighing in relief, James moved his hand from his eyes, since he no longer had to protect himself from the icky-gay stuff (which he totally was not even a little curious about peeking at...), and that's when the three of them were hit with a cloud of glittery sex pollen.
Ivy smirked in a very self satisfied fashion from where she was lurking under the stairs. If James wanted to play tricks with her romantic life, she could return the favor. And if her trick happened to involve three gorgeous men, weaponized aphrodisiacs and a webcam, well, that just showed how practical minded she was with her pranks.
She couldn't wait to show Harley and Selina the movie.
