A Love Too Late
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters.
This isn't how things were supposed to be. You were supposed to leave and never come back – especially not just 'because'. The day you left was just another horrible day in my life; ranking up there with the day I phased and Dad died, finding out about Sam and Emily's infidelity and learning you imprinted on the leech spawn we had agreed to protect. Before you left we spent the weekend together; our time spent in a combination of human and wolf form involving gentle caresses, kisses and embraces. You made soft promises to call me and to never forget me. I listened half-heartedly knowing that you'd not keep your promises. With you wolves and your imprints it's out of sight, out of mind. I've learned over the years as your Beta that there are times to argue with you and times to just let you have your way. That was one of those times.
In fact, it was that kind of thinking that put me in this situation. You came to me talking about Nessie; which you should've already known was a bad way to start any conversation with me. You quickly realized your mistake when I growled and got up from my spot in the meadow under the tree and was in the process of leaving. You knew then and you have to know now that I'm not a fan of 'imprint talk'; unless it's Quil and Claire and that's only because it's absolutely adorable to see a kid like Claire play Quil like a fiddle. But you quickly grabbed hold of my wrist and apologized for the slip but asked me to listen to what you had to say. Letting out a heavy and defeated sigh I sat down to allow you to have your say. If I didn't you'd only harass me day-in and day-out until I eventually caved in anyway.
You sat down and began to tell me about how Nessie had been asking about relationships and dating. I listened half-heartedly to your talk finding myself only mildly curious about why the now 12-yr old, or at least that's how old she looked at the time, was getting such thoughts in her head. Everyone around her was either paired up or unattached meaning Seth, Embry and I. You told me that she wanted you to date other girls; which only caused me to frown harder waiting to hear you say that you, of course, turned down her offer. But, you surprised me and told me that you agreed. I swear, if I had been drinking anything at the moment I would've done a spit take worthy of any primetime sitcom on CBS. I got up yelling at you for agreeing to such a foolish thing; that you were only doing this to get 'some tail' and would only wind up hurting some poor girl who would believe that this was some serious relationship or was looking for one.
You quickly shook your head telling me that this was not the case. You thought that this would be your chance to be free of the imprint. "It's whatever the imprints wants, Leah." You said smiling at me broadly as if I was supposed to follow your hormone-driven logic. "If Nessie doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with me then why should I be forced to wait to find out the truth? She's older now and I don't feel anything for her outside of a big brother relationship. I can be with whomever I want, Leah." You said and I applauded you with a blank stare. Secretly, which I thought was pretty awesome since it so fit in with The Joker's applause for the newly appointed Commissioner Gordon in The Dark Knight Returns. I told you to 'go get 'em tiger' and was on my way to some other place that didn't involve you and whatever perverted thoughts that had been building up in your head over the last 3-yrs to break out.
"I want you, Lee." The words brought me to a complete halt in mid-step. I heard you or at least I thought I heard you. Had you just said that you wanted me? I turned around to gawk at you and you were smiling at me broadly. You approached me cautiously, which on a normal day would be a smart move, but I was so stunned that I'm not even sure how I was supposed to react. You carefully wrapped your arms around my waist pulling me closer to you and my breath hitched. Looking up into your eyes I could see not only my damnation but also my salvation in your warm, dark chocolate colored eyes. You looked at me as if I was 'special' to you and you had eyes for no one else save me.
I'm not sure exactly what it was; maybe was my hormones getting the better of me, maybe it was the fact that it'd been so long since a man touched me in a way that wasn't forced, uneasy or playful rough housing and then again it could've been just C) all of the above. But I gave into you and what originally started off as gentle kisses and safe exploration of one another's body soon became something heated, heavy, passionate and oh so wonderful. Being with you has been one of the greatest memories of my life and not just the sex. Even hanging out with you was pure bliss and I slowly found myself doing the one thing I told myself I wouldn't do – I fell in love with you. You had told me over and over again how much you loved me, that being with me was the highlight of your day and that once we were married (yes, you even mentioned marriage) that we'd set aside a whole day to just be 'together' with our soft and gentle words, caresses, kisses and love making. You were so damn charming and you meant every word that you said. But in the end, that decision belonged to Renesmee Carlie Cullen and there would be nothing that the two of us could do if she chose you; and why wouldn't she choose you? Hell, I'd choose you over what's out there now.
Our relationship continued, secretly at my request, for a whole year before Bella caught wind of it. We never really got along together; mostly me hating her and all but she seemed to hold me responsible for the failed relationship between our parents. Like I could say or do anything to my mom to make her dump Charlie Swan; which by the way, they weren't even in a relationship like that. Bella had some how disillusioned herself into believing that we'd wind up step-sisters. I, personally, chalked it up to her looking for a way to not feel guilty for abandoning her father and that a romantic relationship with my mother was her 'out'. But really it never went very far because it was bad enough that Jacob had imprinted on the Cullen's newest edition to the family but to become eternally connected to the family through two Council members was just asking for trouble years later down the road. Anyway, she found out that you were sleeping around on her then 13-14 yr old daughter and decided that enough was enough. She talked Nessie into calling you back to her and that they'd all pack up and leave to never come back to La Push or at least not until I was dead and buried. The whole reason I know this is because Blondie told me so. She was all for our relationship because she didn't want you attached to her niece anymore than Billy wanted you to.
There wasn't anything that could be done. You told me what happened and I listened half-heartedly already knowing the real truth. I doubt Bella or Edward has ever bothered to tell you the truth. That Nessie really didn't want you back but it was all due the influence of her mother. I could've told you the truth but what would it have accomplished? You would've been angry enough to argue with her and maybe even lunge at her but in the end your imprint would intervene and find a solution that would satisfy her mother and then you. You hugged me the day you finally left and vowed that you'd return but in the meantime you'd call at least every other day. I didn't bother to hug you back because I knew the truth and how all of this would play out. You'd not call, write or even think of me. I'd just become so vague memory or nothing more than just a mere dream – fantasy even of some girl you fucked around with.
I didn't allow myself to cry over you because tears would be a sign that I'd gone back on my word, that I'd fallen in love with you. I was the Alpha of the pack now but without the Cullens around there wasn't much point in phasing. I had always wanted to stop phasing but when the time finally came – I couldn't. The wolf inside of me refused to go quietly into the night. She refused to rest and find peace somewhere deep within my soul and so I continued phasing.
You traveled so far from La Push that I never heard your thoughts, that or you had stopped phasing. I focused on the pack, the cubs still phased and so I picked them up from Sam making one whole pack. I trained them, helped build up their stamina and endurance. We all took mixed martial arts lessons to learn how to concentrate, focus and fight better.
You were pushed to the back of my mind; meant to remain a mere ghost of another chapter in my life that was now over. In fact, I was ready to be done with the book of La Push and wanted to start on a fresh new page for my life. Not away from the wolves or the magic but something different and unexpected. That was when Chris showed up. He's an alright looking guy brunette with dark brown eyes – my immediate thought was 'I don't like him' because something about him makes me think of Bella Swan. He introduced himself and complimented me on my beauty which I dryly thanked him for. I was done falling for guys sorry-ass lines about my beauty and how 'special' they think I am. In the end, no matter how special I am they'd only leave me for someone…better? How can some other female be better than me? I've never had this thought before but I'm tall, evenly toned olive-colored skin, my eyes are a soft hazel color when calm and happy, I think I have nice tits; at least that's what you, Sam and Paul have always told me. I've got this great ass, toned legs…so maybe my hair wasn't in the best of shape. The Chris guy interrupted my thoughts keeping me from brutally critiquing my hair to tell me what he did. He was a modeling agent looking for some fresh talent and thought I could go far in the world of modeling. "You're tall, beautiful, leggy, and have this exotic look going. What are you?" I told him Quileute which he lapped up desperately saying that I could model for any spread except for something requiring black girls.
So I took him up on his offer and the rest as they say is history. I've spent the last 4 years modeling and loving every minute of it. It felt like I had found my calling and eventually I found a place to fit in. I had a career, a fiancé and even a retirement fund. My life was finally on track but then Seth called me saying that you were coming home. Not only were you coming home but were continually asking for me. I debated over whether or not I should go home when you would be there. I'd been home at least twice in the last 4 years but mostly I just flew Seth and Mom out to visit me. I wouldn't have shown up if it wasn't for my brother's persistence. I debated over what to do with my engagement ring as I was sure that the news of it wouldn't be kept quiet while in your presence seeing as how only Seth and Embry knew of our relationship. I decide to wear it because it's a sign that I've moved on from you; that I don't need you to make me feel special.
I'm not sure what possessed me to come in wolf form but I do. While on my way there I'm bombarded with a series of thoughts and emotions; someone is pissed and thinking a mile a minute. Then I begin to pick pieces from the thoughts. You've stopped phasing, haven't you? I've missed hearing your voice, feeling your warm body pressed against mine, your –
You're engaged? As in getting married? To some guy?
Well that's usually how it works for us girls. I respond back to you but I don't think you realize that I'm with you yet. So I quietly listen to you ramble on.
You would say if you were here. But is it to the guy who 'supposedly' found you? How can you be found or discovered when I knew where you were the whole time? Why him? I've seen him in some of Seth's memories. What's so special about him? He's short! Okay, so he's like 6' even and that's short compared to us. And, and he's white! He looks like a stinking, fucking leech with his dark brown, shit colored eyes. You can't marry him – he's not me!
I'm taken aback by your words because they are so painful and heart wrenching. What has happened to you? I quickly shake my thoughts and feelings aside because no matter what you're leaving with the Cullens. I go into 'bitch mode'. 'Get over it, Black.' I order you causing you to pause. I hear you whimper pitifully and sniff the air desperately.
Are you here? Did you come to see me?
'Heard there was alcohol.' I say laughing after stepping out into the meadow you're in.
Looking around I realize that it's our meadow that you've run to during your fit of anger. You look at me stunned, almost as if I'm a mirage or something and this tickles me for some reason. My hair has grown over the years, so my fur is really long and I shake my head to knock some of the excess fur away from eyes. The action succeeds to not only clear my vision but give you a slight glimpse of the ring I'm wearing around my neck as a collar. I try to ignore your growing frustration and circle you getting a look at your size. Even after all these years you're still magnificent.
'Take it off.' You demand angrily. I realize that you're not aware of my thoughts since that is what you say.
'As a wolf there ain't any clothes for me to take off.' I tell you matter-of-factly and brush your nose with my tail. This action has always managed to calm you down from any fit of anger and yet leave you definitely aroused. You're aroused but not placated.
'I don't mean your clothes.' You snarl at me reaching out for me with your huge canines. I jump out of the way knowing that I can't allow you to catch me. If I give into you now the life I've made for myself will come crashing down on me. 'I meant that damn, fuckin' piece of shit ring.' You snap at me trying to use a hint of your Alpha command. You eye the ring around my neck before looking at me and I can see the temptation in your soul, the desire to tear it off of me and make me yours again is so clearly evident in your eyes. I can't give in and I won't. Not this time and not ever.
'No.'
'What?'
'Are you hard of hearing?' I snap angrily as I'm suddenly hit with your memories of our hottest, heated and roughest sex –'Focus, boy!' I snarl viciously. I miss the sex. I miss your kisses, hugs, your warmth and your scent but your decision has already been made. And thinking about what has put us here has me ready to lash out at your precious leeches. 'What? Fuckin' your imprint isn't enough for ya? I thought she was just as pretentious as her mother.'
'She's not enough.' You admit and I snort. 'She's not my lover.' Silence. 'She's not my heart. 'More silence. 'I left it with a feisty she-wolf.' Still nothing. 'And I've come to collect it – and her.'
Over the years I've learned how to block my thoughts from the others and you're no exception. Hearing your words sends a shiver down my spine that leaves me welling up with the same old excitement that only you can bring out in me. 'So take off that ring. You belong to me.' You state smugly.
'No.' I answer flatly, for the last time, and the fur on my hackles rise again as we prepare to do this dance again. I've found love with someone special and before I can do anything I let it slip out, an image of Ranku, my fiancé. If you knew who he truly was you'd start shitting bricks and use them as ammo to throw at him. I quickly clean it up and show you images of Chris, my agent, instead of Ranku – it's safer, better and much easier this way. I'll let you believe that I've fallen in love with some normal human, that he's shown me how special, beautiful and worthy of love I am. But then what you say next is a blow to the wall surrounding my heart – the wall built to keep you out.
'He won't be enough for you.' My breath hitches in my throat and deep down inside I know you're right.
'No, you're not enough for me.' I state coldly and something inside of me dies. There are noises behind you but you choose to ignore them and to my surprise you phase back – why? Did what I just say hurt you as much as it hurt me? Could it be that you still love me – that we are still in love with one another?
"I love you still." You whisper softly gently breaking me all over again. "Despite the magic, the so-called perfect," You spit out angrily as tears start to well up in your eyes, "love, imprint. I still love you." I phase before you and can't help but feel a bit of satisfaction knowing that my body still has some affect on you after all this time.
We've an audience now and I'm so relieved that my hair falls down around my shoulders, covering my breasts but that doesn't stop you from getting in your quick looks. Your leering and lust-filled looks makes me bite my bottom lip because I want you back but…I've said it so many times before you left, after you left and even on my way here. What we had can never work.
"Your words mean nothing." I state harshly my throat feeling dry and my voice sounding hollow. "Nothing if you can't back 'em up." I shake my head hoping that you'll see my logic, Jacob. You can't be pig-headed and stubborn now – not anymore. The sad part is that I love you all the more for your stubbornness, "Our love came too late to fight for. I can't fight that," I wave trying to fight back the tears and wave at the vampires and Halfling behind you. "Love isn't enough for us – not now; not ever. It was good seeing you, Jacob. I hope to see you again." I tell you only half-heartedly meaning it. I kiss you softly on the lips enjoying the taste that I've missed so much and turn to leave immediately. The reason why I've come in wolf form is now clearly obvious to me – I've run here so I can quickly escape you. As much I would love to stand holding you in my arms it would only be a short-lived pleasure that would have everlasting painful effects. I hear her call out your name and I can't stand it any longer. I phase once I'm in the trees and run heading back to the airport – to get away from this town, this past life of hurt, broken promises and stories where I never have a happy ending.
"I LOVE YOU, LEAH CLEARWATER! ONE DAY I WILL BE ENOUGH FOR YOU! IF IT TAKES ME THE REST OF MY LIFE WE'LL BE TOGETHER AGAIN!" I hear you yell after me as I dig down deep and run faster. Deep down a part of me wants you to be right; that some day we'll be together again while the other part of me knows that it's nothing more than big talk. I can't help but laugh bitterly because I seem forever stuck in a circle, a magic circle. Going from one wolf to another to another. I just hope and pray that Seth doesn't tell Jacob that my fiancé, Ranku, is another Alpha then again…I kinda hope he does.
A/N: So here goes another story. This just kind of hit me since I'm feeling under the weather and thus in an angst-ridden mood. But you all know what to do. Please read and review. Just tell me what you think – that's all I ask. Hey! I'm sick! DO IT!
