A/N: I don't own anything!
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It is dedicated, as usual to Mikisna, who supports me, plus some other people from deviantArt to whom I give my thanks from the deepest parts of my heart. I hope you will all enjoy this chapter, and, to tell you the truth, I have fallen in love with it. So I will continue with it till I will feel satisfied XD
If you have any questions, please say so I can answer them :D
Lot's of Love from Star! (or Loryx, or Mew...)
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Song: Still Alive – Lisa Miskovsky and Shattered – Trading Yesterday (from which the name of the story)
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Chapter 2 - Real to me
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Empty halls, empty rooms, no sounds except the noises that came from the city above, that was the atmosphere in the lair, and, as minutes passed by, silence became dangerous for those that lived there, suffocating them with it's dark presence. Extending it's tentacles to their souls, eating away their thoughts, making any preoccupation a hazardous act, the emptiness they felt in their heart began to make them restless, searching for things that could save them from the disaster in them. But nothing seem to work, the coldness they felt coming from the walls freezing anything that they could find, making it loose it's magical power, it's glow, making it gray and unusable. This had never happened before, and as they searched in each other for a pillar of emotional support, they found none, only the same ocean of tears, and, occasionally, the destroyed remains of their inner world.
Even if they told themselves numerous times before that they were still alive and that they could always continue living on, as they did in the past, even if Leo wasn't there, they knew all too well, small violent voices crying out in them that they stood no chance in front of the world without their leader brother, that they couldn't continue like they used too. Sure, Raph was there, trying to convince them that, even if they had lost one of them in that battle, they could survive this harsh world on their own, none of them believed those words, not even the one that said them. It always felt as if his mouth was moving on it's own, empty words and believes spouting out of his body, trying to convince him than actually convincing those around him. He wished he could cry and rant like he used too, but, as night settled on New York, the red clad terrapin moved his gaze from one remaining brother to the other, seeing the same lifeless expression on their faces that he sow on his own every time he approached a mirror.
Sighting, biting his lip, drawing blood, but not making the ache in his chest subside, Raphael turned on his heels and went straight to where the dojo was, his body moving on his own, his heart and conscious too far away in his bitter memories for him to realize that he was doing something. As he opened the shoji door, his eyes widened, mouth slightly hanging open, as his mind focused on the image his eyes were experiencing: Leo, the Leo he always knew, was training there, sweat trickling down his body, muscles tense and eyes closed. He was training to become stronger in order to protect them.
To protect him! As his eyes fixed themselves on his moving body, Raph sow in his brother the same grace he had envied for years, the same smugness he despised, but, at the same time, the leader he cherished, the brother he loved. He sow everything, and as his eyes watered, obscuring his vision, Leo turned to face him, slowly opening his eyes, dark orbs fixing in golden ones the next second they were fully opened. Groaning his brother's name, the jade colored turtle took a step forward, hand extended to touch the face and body that had appeared in front of him. But, a icy gust of wind made his body tense, and, as seconds flew by, Leonardo's perfect image started to change, small rivulets of blood coming from the corners of his mouth and from freshly cut wounds, red droplets of the red glowing liquid sliding down his body. His onyx eyes darkened, but the small smile still remained, and, as Raph continued to come closer, the imaginary Leo shook his head, sadness tainting the black ocean of his gaze. Rushing to the broken apart figure that was his brother, Raph felt his finger tips touch what he though was his brother's skin, but, the next second the image disappeared, leaving behind only the cold air and the smell of blood.
Dropping to his knees, clutching his chest with both hands, the forest green mutant groaned, moaning his sadness, tears sliding down his chin, his face pale and his heart bleeding with sorrow and regret. He cried, hot tears falling on his legs, small pearls that would disappear the next minute, just as his brother's image had. He cried, feeling his heart crumble to the power of loss, and, as he sat there, drowning in his pain, something in him clicked, his voice disappearing and his mind going completely blank. This was no life for them, and because he was such a sinking mess, he couldn't help his family or his friends to move forward. He couldn't forget Leo, nor could he ignore any longer the anguish he felt because he couldn't save his brother.
"I... I did nothing to save him! I did nothing and he died in my arms!" he breathed out, hands turning into fists, blunt nails biting into the flesh, making small wounds appear.
Suffocating, unable to yell out his pain, his hurt, his frustration, unable to do anything but cry and feel sorry for everything, blaming himself for everything, Raph battled with his inner self, his mouth opened, but no sound coming out, rocking his body back and forward, eyes tightly shut, tears still falling down from his drowning eyes. He couldn't do anything more and taking his life was meaningless now. He was felt so small, so alone there, in that empty dojo that still smelled like his brother and still had his presence lingering on the tatami floor and in the cracks and busted utensils that were all around the room. Barely breathing, eyes turned into slits, dark marks under them, the second eldest fixed his eyes on a particular spot on the wall where a reddish zone was still visible, even if the light was dim, and he tried to figure a new strategy. He had to forget about the pain, even if that was the last thing he could do and focus on his family. But, as his eyes remained there, the memories with Leo flooded his mind, and he grind his teeth together, the turmoil in him starting again, with more force this time.
"I don't... I can't be the leader of this family! That was yer role, Leo!" he screamed, getting up all of a sudden and viciously attacking the wall, punching at that spot where, years ago, he had managed to through Leo which, by chance had hit it and remained unconscious for about a minute.
He still remembered the agitation then, and, after he had woken up, the smile he had showed when he had seen him. That gentle smile that assured him that everything was alright. Why did he had do make that face again that time too? Why did he have to butt in his fight, even if he had to die? Why did Leo leave everything to him, everything that they promised to protect together? Why did everything fell apart when he disappeared from this world?
As his fist came in contact with the wall, small cracks forming on the now bloody spot, Raph realized that he felt nothing. He tensed up and, using his body weight, he started to punch more furiously, watching, with a morbid fascination how his blood lifted for mere seconds in the air, glistering in the dim light, a vibrant red, contrasting his green skin when it touched it in it's way to the wall or floor. He still felt nothing, but continued, his mind blank, his eyes not seeing the wall or the dojo, but only the inner world that he had created years ago to protect himself from the harsh reality or from the stupidity of human kind. He hadn't realized how shattered that world had become once his unique brother had disappeared forever from this world. His knuckles were numb when he heard the door suddenly hitting it's wooden frame, but not even then did he stop, even if his breath was ragged and his heart was beating almost breaking through it's fleshy cage. He didn't stop nor heard the voice belonging to someone that he knew from some distant past, his attention being focused on the gray appearance of his inner self, blissfully grinning back to him, even if his flesh was rotting and his eyes held no life. His eyes widened in horror as his body was thrown back, the creature that lived in him lunged it's hideous, dismembered self at him. He would have screamed if his vision wouldn't have been filled with the worried face of a scared and desperate Donatello, who, by chance, was passing by the dojo and heard the constant punching and the silent moans of pain.
"What the shell were you doing, Raph? Do you plan to mutilate yourself to death? Isn't Leo's death enough for this family? Do you ever think about..." Don had started his vicious rant, as he inspecting his elder brother's hands, clicking his wide tongue on the back of his mouth.
And he would have continued if the same hand he had inspected wouldn't have retracted with force from his grasp and wouldn't have come in contact with his exposed jaw. He would have told his brother everything he had on his heart if he wouldn't have been stopped so abruptly by the sudden outburst of the older turtle.
Heaving, eyes half closed, golden orbs glowing dangerously with their own light, Raph lifted himself off the tatami mat, first on his right knee and then standing on his own two feet, looking down at a puzzled Donnie, who just massaged his jaw, unable to say something to his obviously angry and distressed brother. As their eyes met, Raph closed his eyes, his bottom lips trembling, his soul weighting the burden of both his feelings and his thoughts. He wished his brothers would stop a bit and listen to him like they did with Leo.
"But they'll never listen to the hot head, the strange an' impulsive leader, someone that shouldn't even be the leader in the first place! They'll never look at me... I'm no Leo...í" his thoughts fallowed their self destructive path, as he turned on his heels, not once looking back as his brother slowly got up, regretting his words.
What was worst was that now he had to make everything better, something that he was never good at. All but running, Raph rushed out of the lair, feeling the cold air of the surface world hitting his heated skin, licking away the hurt and pain he started to feel from his wounded hands. He ran and ran from sewer tunnel to sewer tunnel, not once stopping until he burst out of the closed environment to the rooftops, stopping shortly after, out of breath.
Tears mixing with sweat and blood tanned his already dark skin, making it glow a reddish color, making him precious to the look. But no human sow this turtle crumbling in the arms of loss, aching heart and mind making him suffer alone. No human, but a strange angel, one that had only mischievous thoughts when it came to this abnormal family. His family!
Black eyes, tinted with blue sparks, watched as the jade color terrapin slumped down, taking his head into his hands. He watched, arms crossed over an invisible chest, his mind analyzing the pros and cons of his future decisions. He wished he could help them, help Raph, but he could only watch for the moment. Sure, his brother was strong, a true soft hearted warrior, but, as things when on, he couldn't survive the hurt. He wished he could talk to his long time love right now, but he couldn't come in contact with him. He couldn't just approach his brother and appear in the form of an angel and expect him to understand and accept all of it.
Sighting, his own pure heart melting as it faced the deepest pain one could experience, the turtle angel opened his wings and softly landed near his brother, his eyes filled with love, anguish and sympathy. Reaching out, his hand barely touching the now cold skin of the one he had fallen in love with so many years ago, he sensed the distress in that body and his heart started to pinch and pull at it's restrains.
"Please... Stop crying, Raph! I know it will be OK! I know it..." his voice echoed in the night, but didn't touch the ears that wanted to hear them the most.
Raph continued to cry, sniffing and thinking back at a past that made his stomach churn in want and regret. Time had pasted to easily and now it seemed like it was going to end. He never felt so alone in his entire life and, as the black clad angel with a blue bandana sat right next to him, his hand petting the head that bowed to the moon, Raph started to calm down.
Still sniffing, his eyes puffy and red, but so beautiful in the moon light, he lifted his head, looking straight at the round orb in the sky and grinded his teeth. Lowering his gaze once more he growled a few insults, and then got up. He could outrun his needs and pains, he could fight them back, but right now, all he could do was cry and wish for all of this to end. Like he had previously thought he couldn't take his life. His family would disappear for sure and he still felt tied with them, even if the main character in his home had ceased from life.
Turning his head once more to the sky he wished, from the deepest places of his heart that he could understand what he truly felt and what he truly wanted, plus, if the heavens would like it, he wanted to know what he should do from then on. A silent tear fell down his cheek, a perfect little drop that glistered in the moon rays and that fell down till it touched the cold bricks of the building he was on top of. As his head dropped till it touched his plastron, a groan rumbling in his chest, his body started to move, running away from the spot where his brother's spirit remained, unknown to anyone.
When he could no longer see Raphael's body nor heard the snarls and growls he made when jumping from roof top to roof top, Leo looked down where the small stain from both the tears and the blood that his brother had shed for him, he knelt next to it, his index finger caressing the spot. A grimace came and went on his face like a summer storm, and, when he flexed his wings once more, he had already decided what he will do in the future. It was something that, the past Leo wouldn't have done, but he was no longer that Leo, not all at least.
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A/N: hope you enjoyed it! I will make more soon, so please leave a comment saying how you feel about this story!
Thank you very much!
