Chapter 3: What a difference a day makes
'Aren't you supposed to be at work?' she said, which was such an insignificant question in the situation that she almost started to laugh. Owen said he was out for lunch and had decided to come and talk to her.
'Can I come inside?' Owen asked. Cristina didn't say anything, but closed the door. Behind her, not in front of her in Owen's face, which she really felt like doing. But she was never one to postpone inevitable conversations; she just wanted to get it over with.
'How did you know I was here?'
'Where else would you go?' Owen said and ok, fair enough. They wandered over to the porch swing and Owen sat down. He motioned for her to sit down next to him, but she declined and kept standing. She folded her arms in a very defensive manner. It was not an unconscious gesture and she would rather seem offensive than defensive, but she couldn't help the attitude. She felt defensive, because while Owen did look slightly remorseful for kicking her out, he also looked like he was poised for another round of fighting. He looked into the distance and then at her. It was still softly raining. He sighed and Cristina rolled her eyes.
'I wanted to apologise for kicking you out,' Owen said and weakly smiled at her. Cristina didn't smile back and said nothing. Owen sighed again. It was difficult to stand so close to him, because on the one hand she wanted to kiss him, but on the other hand she felt like strangling him.
'Well, go ahead,' she finally said and Owen looked confused.
'Apologise,' she bit out and she hadn't meant to sound so angry, but his behaviour was starting to annoy her. He was not the victim here and neither was she. They were both solid perpetrators. Furthermore, and she knew she was being overly harsh, but she had a feeling that his apology was only a way to get her to apologise and she wasn't going to do that. It was frustrating, because she understood that he felt excluded from her decision about the baby, but it was either have it or not have it. Including him didn't mean the same thing as having the baby.
'I apologise,' he told her and looked up at her expectantly.
'Thank you.'
A long silence stretched out before them. Cristina imagined Owen knew what needed to be said, but was just as hesitant as she was to be the one to say it. Or perhaps he had not arrived at the same conclusion as she had. She slowly unfolded her arms and sat down next to him. The radio in the neighbours' house was still on, but she couldn't identify the music.
'I'm still not having the baby,' Cristina said and Owen seemed to want to say something, but she continued quickly,' because I don't want a child. It's as simple as that. I know you thought I was going to change my mind about that, but I'm not. I've never wanted children.'
'You think you will resent the baby?' Owen asked and Cristina thought about that. It was possible she would resent its – it was better than him or her; more impersonal – presence, because it interfered with other aspects of her life. Yet, though she would not be mother of the year, she knew she would at least love it.
'I think I'll love it,' she admitted and Owen smiled triumphantly. His smile infuriated her, like it was some sort of victory to have her admit that she would love the baby.
'You think you'll resent me,' he stated and this was much closer to the truth. He would be to blame for altering the course of her life and despite loving him; she could honestly not say she wouldn't think it was his fault.
'I might.'
'Is that why...' Owen began, but Cristina cut him off. No, that was not why. It wasn't about her career or loving him or loving the baby or resenting someone or the painful birth and the stretch marks or losing the baby weight. She did not want a baby. This was like going in circles. Why could he not understand that?
'No, I can't just have a baby because I love you. This is not some selfless thing that I can do because you want it. You can't ask that of me,' Cristina snapped. She wouldn't yell for fear of Derek hearing. She couldn't care less about the neighbours, but she would be embarrassed it mister high and mighty got such an intimate glance into her private life.
Owen started to argue and Cristina didn't listen. It was everything Owen always accused her of, but again she didn't care. Regardless of the baby issue, did she still want to be with Owen? She tuned into the rant at the end.
'How would that work exactly? Either I have the baby and we stay married, but I carry on with my life as if we don't have a baby or we divorce and I hand over the baby to you and also carry on with my life as if we don't have a baby? I know you think I'm a monster, but if I had a child I would love it and I would want to be involved in its life,' Cristina yelled, as she stood up from the swing.
'Then what is the problem?' Owen screamed back. His pale skin was turning bright red. It was something she had always found attractive. Preston had the most beautiful dark skin and Owen had a very pale skin, which blushed easily. Meredith's skin was freckly and... No.
'I have a choice and, because I do not want a child, I choose not to have a child. But neither can I ask you to stay childless because you love me. You want children,' Cristina concluded. If Cristina thought hearts could break she would have described witnessing Owen's realisation as heartbreaking. For herself she felt relieved and sad at the same time. It had stopped raining and the air smelled crisp and clean. It was strange how fast things could change. She'd finally admitted to her feelings for Meredith, she was breaking up with Owen and she was having an abortion.
The abortion was not something she looked forward to. She pretended that it would be taken care of quickly and that she was sure, but she knew a part of her would always regret it. It was a baby; a baby of Owen and her. Life with it would probably pretty wonderful; she would still have Owen and have this little boy or girl, who would look a bit like her. It would have her eyes or her nose or a bit of her personality. The road not taken could be special too, but she couldn't deny that she was avoiding it for a reason. The other road, the one that would be her future, was much more her style. It had changed a bit; Meredith always played a huge role, but Cristina hoped her role might be even bigger than she had thought, but it was still the road most desirable. It was a road with a job she loved, an amazing freedom and a great partner.
Owen looked at her with tears in his eyes and there was a brief moment where she was tempted to transform the road not taken into the road taken, then it passed. He opened his mouth as if to protest, but closed it again.
'This is it?' he whispered and his voice betrayed his emotion. Cristina didn't want to look at his face, but forced herself to do it.
'Neither one of us is going to change his mind, so I think it has to be,' she answered and she could feel the skin of her face prickling. Yet, her features remained immobile. It was as if she couldn't cry. Owen's tears were rolling down his cheeks, before he wiped them away brusquely.
'I'm sorry,' he said,' I thought... you're young and I really thought you'd change your mind.'
She sat down next to him again and they embraced each other. His body felt good against hers and when she let him go Cristina knew that, whatever her feelings for Meredith were, it would take her a long time to truly let go of Owen. They nodded and Owen stood up.
'I'm sorry too,' Cristina mumbled and Owen turned. She licked her lips and she couldn't feel her tongue on them. Resisting the urge to raise her hand to feel whether her lips, her head, she was still there, she thought of something to say. To make this right, as right as breaking up could be.
'Owen, I don't have to pretend to care about what you want. I care. That's why I did think about it, about keeping the baby. And I love you, but I can't. I just can't,' she finally managed. Owen nodded, to indicate he understood, and he seemed somehow grateful for what she had said. It was difficult to grasp why, because she had said everything before. Except perhaps that she had thought about it. Suddenly, Cristina was grateful for Preston. If she hadn't gone through their almost marriage she was doubtful about her ability here to refuse to compromise with Owen. Yes, she was strong and smart, but she would also push herself as far as she could to prevent losing someone she loved. Now she had managed to stay true to herself and she had lost again. She didn't watch Owen walk away, not out of her life, because we still work in the same hospital, she reminded herself; she went inside.
Derek was still sitting in the kitchen, but she could tell by the look on his face that he knew. He got up murmuring something apologetic and to her intense shame Cristina started to cry then and there. What was even worse, however, was how Derek cautiously approached her with his arms opened and how, instead of dropkicking him into next week, she allowed him to embrace her.
