Chapter 4: Day tripper

Confused to her core, Cristina shoved Derek away. She could not show her weaknesses in front of him. She could not let him be the one to comfort her.

'Are you alright?' he asked and his voice was laced with actual concern, which only made her feel worse. Somewhere deep down she knew he was a good man, but it was his sanctimonious behaviour towards Meredith that had made her distrust and dislike him and she had not been able to get past that.

'I'm fine,' she answered and she patted his arm. It was all she could do to thank him for what he did and what he did not do. She splashed some water on her face and he handed her a kitchen towel. Someone, something, please deliver me from this most supremely awkward moment, she thought. It was then that she realised Derek had not asked her where Meredith had gone, nor had she offered the information. He seemed to simply wait for her return. As far as she knew he had not even tried to call Meredith. She noticed the rain was pattering against the windows again. Her face was still tingling from the cold outside or perhaps from the emotion she had not shown Owen. Derek sat down at the kitchen table again and watched her.

'What?' she snapped and he threw up his hands in mock fear. She almost smiled at him and he definitely smiled at her. Was she starting to like him? This was really the worst possible time for such an unlikely development. She was in love with his wife and his wife had kissed her. Naturally, the kiss probably meant nothing to Meredith, but she had been silently hoping nonetheless.

She cleared away the bottles from the table and put some of them in the fridge and stuck others in a high cupboard. The limes and lemons she chucked in the vegetable drawer. The party hats and flags and tiny umbrellas she left alone; she wouldn't know what to do with them. It slightly amused her to think that Derek might deduce that they had been having a party because he and Meredith were on the outs. It was certainly something that might cross his mind, since in the world of Derek Cristina thought everything would probably revolve around Derek. Ah, she did not like him after all; she had merely discovered she found him tolerable. Relief flooded through her.

They heard voices outside and then Meredith came in with Zola, followed by Alex, who was carrying a large weekend bag. On their way from the car to the house they had both gotten slightly wet. Cristina attempted to read Meredith's face, but she could detect neither abject hostility nor happiness when Meredith saw Derek. All Meredith showed was resignation. Derek got up from his chair and attempted to say something, but Meredith shot his attempt down quickly.

'Cristina, a word?' she said and set the baby carrier on the table. Alex looked a mite awkward at being left in the kitchen with Derek and the baby and this cheered Cristina up. She followed Meredith into the living room.

'So, Alex is back?' Cristina asked and Meredith nodded.

'I'll ask Lexie whether she wants to move into Jackson's room. They spend all their time in there anyway,' Meredith announced and Cristina was puzzled.

'Can't Alex just get his old room back?' she asked. The baby room wasn't Alex's room, now was it? Otherwise that had been some very impressive fake drunk state she had been in, not to notice that.

'It's for you. You're getting the attic, until you've worked things out with Owen,' Meredith offered. Cristina wanted to say, 'yeah, about that...' but this was not the appropriate time, so she opted for a heartfelt, 'Thanks.' Meredith waved her gratitude away, then visibly steeled herself and went into the kitchen.

'Alex, could you put Zola in her crib? It's time for her afternoon nap, I think,' Meredith calmly said and Derek watched as Alex picked up the baby carrier and received some last minute advice and directions from Meredith. Surprisingly, while he did appear unsure of how to conduct himself around a baby, it was rather endearing to hear how Alex talked to Zola. Not in a baby voice, but in a warm, adult tone of voice he told her she was going upstairs to take a nap. Zola yawned and Alex wiggled his nose at her. As he made his way past Cristina she couldn't resist whispering that she reserved the right to vote him out of the house at any time. This seemed to amuse Alex and on his way up the stairs she could hear him promise Zola to tell her all about his mean aunt Cristina.

'You were really good with her,' Derek said and by the look on Meredith's face she didn't exactly consider this a compliment, so Cristina quickly excused herself and went outside. On the porch she discovered how Derek had managed to know about her break up with Owen: the window to the side was not entirely closed. Cristina could hear everything that was said inside the kitchen and she imagined it worked the other way around as well. She briefly contemplated taking a walk to give Derek and Meredith some privacy, but it was still raining. This meant she would have to go on in again and borrow a raincoat and umbrella, which she didn't feel like doing. Also, she kind of wanted to hear their conversation.

'Are you saying I'm not the absolute complete worst person to raise a child, despite the fact that I don't know right from wrong? Why, thank you, Derek,' Meredith responded and sarcasm dripped from her voice. Good one, Cristina thought as she lowered herself onto the swing. Or perhaps not so good, but that depended on what Cristina expected from the conversation. Did she want Meredith to break up with Derek? At almost any other time her answer would have been an unequivocal yes, but it was different now. They had Zola.

'I get that you're angry with me as my superior and as my husband, because I betrayed your trust in both those rules. But as a husband, contrary to what you think, you don't get to act morally superior. And you don't get to suggest that because I made one medical mistake, no, not a mistake,' Meredith paused and inhaled so loudly that Cristina could hear it outside. It was as if the new oxygen fed her anger, because Derek didn't get a word in edgewise and she continued more furious than before.

'I made one medical decision that's dubious. I told you I would do it again. You don't get to suggest that this makes me an unfit mother. And you don't get to pretend that I don't know the difference between right and wrong. I gave a patient with Alzheimer the right medicine and jeopardised the Alzheimer trial. That's what I did and I don't appreciate you making out like that is some sort of unspeakable evil. Like I've committed a cardinal sin.'

No, I've got dibs on that one, Cristina thought and she resisted the ridiculous impulse to put a hand on her belly.

'But it was wrong...' Derek protested and Cristina didn't know whether it came out as whiny as she heard it.

'As a doctor it was wrong, but was it wrong of me as a human being?' Meredith asked and she sounded so sure of herself, while Cristina knew she wasn't sure. She would do it again, yes, but Cristina knew Meredith could not help thinking what it meant for the other patients in the trial and for the trial itself.

'Did you have a party last night with the baby here?' Derek asked, since he didn't seem to have an answer to Meredith's question. His voice sounded incredibly judgemental to Cristina, but she was hardly an objective observer.

'Yes, we did,' Meredith defiantly answered, 'and if you were as concerned as you pretend to be about Zola's welfare, perhaps you should answer your phone.' There was a slight hesitation before her last word and Cristina could have sworn Meredith had meant to say 'answer your fucking phone,' but she miraculously managed to refrain from saying it.

'I was angry,' Derek said by way of explanation and he sounded tired. Everybody is tired today, Cristina thought. Meredith had probably gotten the most sleep out of all of them.

'Well, be angry and answer your phone. You think you can manage that?' she retorted, but Meredith sounded a lot less fierce. Not because she was tired, Cristina hoped, but because the argument was coming to a close.

'It's different now. We have a baby,' Meredith softly said and Cristina could kick herself. Meredith knew Cristina didn't want to have children and that she was going to have an abortion, so she wouldn't consider a relationship a possibility. And, Cristina realised with a shock, she did want a relationship with Meredith. She did not only love her, as she had done for so long, but she wanted to be with her in every sense of the word. There was no choice to be made about Zola, Meredith already loved her. Even if she and Derek would break up, they would not just decide to undo the adoption, if that was even possible. So, if she wanted to be with Meredith, she needed to let Meredith know that Zola was not something that would prevent Cristina from being with her. She chuckled because this was likely the most positive she had ever been. She actually thought that there might be a chance that Meredith felt something, anything, for her and that they perhaps could have a relationship.

'I know,' Derek answered, equally softly. It was silent and Cristina strained to hear what was going on. Were they hugging it out or standing miles apart? A visual would have been really nice.

'We're not alright, are we?' Derek asked and Meredith agreed. Now if that had been Owen and Cristina she would have known it was over. They had never been two for great speeches, nor had they used the words 'over,' 'breaking up' or 'divorce' when they ended their relationship only about an hour ago. But Meredith and Derek did do speeches and declarations and confessions, so Cristina knew this was merely an impasse. It was a sort of pause in the middle of a fight that might still end up in conciliation or separation.

'It's almost half past one; don't you have a surgery at two?' Meredith asked out of the blue and Derek acquiesced. Nothing more was said between the two. Derek left. He did not acknowledge Cristina sitting on the swing and she went inside. Meredith wandered out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch. Cristina sat down next to her. They did not speak for what seemed like an eternity.

'I feel like I'm taking the easy way out,' Meredith admitted and Cristina didn't know how to respond to that, except to say that she hoped Meredith had a good reason. To change the subject, because Meredith was looking particularly morose, Cristina told her it was over with Owen. She could have bitten her tongue right after saying that, because how was that a change of subject? Stupid. But she had already blundered her way into the subject, so there was nothing she could do. Meredith turned to her and said she was sorry.

'I've got to pick up some of my stuff at Owen's. Do you want to come with me?' Cristina asked and Meredith threw her a perplexed glance, so Cristina explained.

'If I go alone I'm going to cry and he might interpret that as a sign of not wanting to break up.'

'And it is?' Meredith asked curiously.

'Just sadness.'

'Wait, let me write that down. Tears equal sadness. Just, you know, for future reference,' Meredith said and she wrote a pretend note in the air. Cristina glared at her, but with good humour.

'Shut up,' she laughed and Meredith smiled too. Her smile faded slowly, however, to make room for a most peculiar expression that Cristina had trouble deciphering. Meredith turned her whole body towards Cristina and leaned closer. Cristina could smell her perfume, very light and woody. She sat back slightly, Meredith frowned at her movement and asked the question Cristina was entirely unsure she was hoping for or dreading.

'So, ready for our big talk?'