In Which there are peepers
(or "The inter-universal Ecchi Society)
A/N: I promise I'll have more serious characters soon. This chapter's more fluff. It does explain Renji's jaunt to another universe, though.
Last chapter: Renge, Tamaki & Co. from Ouran HS Host Club!
Tons of thanks to StrictlySomething, my one reviewer! You make me feel special. I wish more people would review, though. *hint, hint*
Disclaimer: Neither I nor my partner in crime (fanfic username Urza's Avenger) have ever owned any of these characters. We never will. Sadly.
After having the crap beat out of him, yet again, by his Captain, Renji was beginning to be discouraged. As the flaming hothead he was, however, he refused to give up. If going to the normal places was foiled, he would get his sunglasses through... other means. There were people out there who could get ANYTHING, for ANYONE.
This rather odd train of thought ended with Renji hiding out in one of the seedier parts of Tokyo, in a bar called the "twin peaks." When Renji had asked Urahara where the black market dealers hung out, the former captain had looked amused, and given Renji an address. He was starting to get uncomfortable, however. When skimpily clad girls began dancing on the stage, and there were no other men looking to sell things, Renji finally realized that he had been played... again.
Just as the pineapple was trying to sneak out of the bar (a difficult prospect, considering the 8 inch red geyser of hair sticking up), he was hailed by an all-too familiar voice.
"Hey, Renji-san. What are you doing here? I didn't know you liked this kind of place. Come on, have some sake with me. I won't tell Byakuya if you don't tell my sweet Nanao-chan!" Renji turned around in horror. Behind him sat the pink-clad captain of the eighth division, with the oddest group of people he had ever seen. Renji immediately recognized Ichigo, and was about to shout in surprise when his mouth opened, and Kon's voice came out.
"Renji! No! He doesn't know I'm here in his body and he NEVER will! Please, if they find out, my beloved Nee-san will never see me again! I will be killed, my pill crushed, and Ichigo will get a real Ginkongan, and it might even be Chappy!" As anime tears poured down the Mod-Soul's face, Renji thought about it, and realized how much he hated Chappy the soul pill. Having one in Rukia was bad enough.
"Fine. I won't tell. Now why are you here? This place is for perverts!"
"Hey, I'm not a pervert! It's just a healthy interest!" The speaker was one of the strangest men he had ever seen. He was older, with tear marks down his cheeks and a huge mane of white hair. He wore a forehead protector, with lumps like horns sticking out.
"That's right, Jiraya-san. Keep telling yourself that." Kyoraku gave a soft chuckle. "So young..."
Suddenly Renji heard another chuckle, coming from the white-haired man's companion. Looking closer, this one also had white hair, though that was almost all he could see. Under the spiky hair was another forehead protector, doubling as an eyepatch, with a stylized leaf on the metal plate. Renji tried to see more of the man, but most of his face was hidden by a small book with the title "Icha Icha Paradise." What Renji could see around the book was black, as his fave was covered by a black mask. He could tell that this one was younger, even with the grayish-white hair, and the one visible eye was narrowed in a smile.
The fifth member of the group was another high-school student. He had medium length black hair, with a widow's peak. It was held back a little bit by a red hairband, and he wore a green uniform jacket, tan slacks and a silver wolf necklace. He was unsuccessfully trying to hide a large camera on the seat next to him. He gave Renji a wolfish grin, giving off an oddly animalistic vibe just below the surface.
Behind the rest of the group, there were still two more members. The first one was (Renji was scared to see this in a living human) the same size as Zaraki Taicho. He was wearing a jacket that looked two sizes too small, and was very tan. As if he had never stepped inside a building before during his life. His hair was an off-white color, and Renji couldn't tell if that was the natural color, or the man had just not bathed in several years. He smelled like he hadn't.
Renji almost missed the final member of the group, who was standing nearly behind the unwashed giant of a man. It looked like a young redheaded boy. Renji was surprised. The kid couldn't have been more than ten years old. He was also wearing a dark green suit (where the hell do you find a green suit in Japan?). Renji gave the small kid a curious look.
The oversized man saw Renji's confusion, and decided to give an explanation.
"Negi here is just an honorary member. He doesn't actually believe in the religion of Ecchi, but he has the innate ability to cause ecchi moments to happen while he is around. Thus, we hold on to him. That will be 10,000 yen for the explanation."
"WHAT THE HELL!"
After Renji had had a look at all the group's members, a huge sweatdrop appeared on the back of Renji's head. "What is this, Kyoraku-taichou? What are all of you doing here?"
"Well, Renji-san, this is the Inter-Universal Ecchi Society. We meet up about once a year, and this time it's here. Usually we take turns on whose world we go to."
"Inter-What-i-versal What-huh? Whose world? What? There's only one human world, then Soul Society, right?"
"Oh, Renji-san. You visited another world yourself not too long ago. I believe you told Urahara-san something about shojo technicolor. The reason he sent you here is because he had the universe gate open for my friends."
"Umm..." Renji's poor brain was on overload. That hadn't just been a bad dream after all? As he started to sway in confusion, he apparently gave up. Tendrils of smoke escaped his ears. He sat down heavily with the group, and Kyoraku happily poured him a cup of sake.
Hours later, Renji and Kyoraku stumbled out of the bar, leaning on each other for support and stumbling off. Kyoraku's friends had left a while ago, but the two shinigami were older than the humans (humans? he wasn't sure about all of them, actually.) , and could hold consereably more booze. Renji stumbled through Urahara's door, Kyoraku riding him piggy-back, the old captain having fallen asleep a while ago. Urahara helped the two out of their gigais, then sent them through the gate. "Oh, Renji-san! Did you find the sunglasses you wanted?" the shopkeeper called as the drunken lieutenant walked away.
"Whaa? Sunglasses? No thaks, I doesnnt haves a hangover yet. Iss not brigh' yet..."
Urahara smirked. His plan had worked perfectly, and once again, the pineapple went home (mostly) empty handed. Renji may not have known it, but it was for his own good. there were only so many times one could survive the wrath of Byakuya, and his wrath at the intoxication of his lieutenant, especially since Kyoraku was involved, would be considerably less than his wrath if he knew Renji had been out buying sunglasses again. Yes, it was for his own good... Right...
Omake:
"Okay Guys! Where should we meet next year? The Inter-Universal Ecchi Society needs a schedule! I've never had this much fun!" Kon's voice was too much for the older, drunken men, but his fellow high-schooler was equally excited.
"Let's go to my place next! I'm from a shojo, no, scratch that, a pure-ecchi, almost hentai shojo! The only one with more panty shots than me is little Negi over there. And he doesn't really try, not like me. Youkai Gakuen's the best! Damn... you should see this little succubus we've got. Hang on, I've got a picture!"
Pulling out a wad of photos, Morioka Gin made a friend for life. Kon swung by the clinic for his plushie, then disappeared with the werewolf.
Back in Karakura, Ichigo searched the streets for a while, then gave up, only to find the lion plushie a week later on his bed, holding a stack of photos and spurting blood from his nose. Every few seconds, a name would pass his lips.
"Moka-san... Yukari-chan... So cute! Kurumu-chan's valleys of the gods...aah!" another huge spurt escaped the plushie as he said this. Ichigo, however, had no mercy. Picking up the plushie, he threw him through the window, to land in the mud below, full of glass shards and soaked in mud and blood (plushie blood. stuffing? Oh hell, it's a fanfic. Kon has blood).
"Goddamn Hentai! Go live with Lisa!"
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