Chapter 4

"Funny how my world keeps spinnin', sometimes you can be so silly

You know just how to make me laugh, ooh, your skin is so lovely

It moves me when you touch me, I know that you got my back

It feels so safe when you hold me, it's already like you know me

When my mind's void, you're my joy, you're the dream when I sleep

And hey I'm for ya yeah I adore ya, you're everything that I need

I love how you love me, if I'm made for you, you're made for me

It's too good to be true, so tell me what we're gonna do now"

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now by Joss Stone

They had been in the Deep Roads for over a week now and the further that they descended into the depths of the earth, the quicker Anders' heart raced and the harder it became to breathe. He hated the blighting Deep Roads and it wasn't just because of the darkspawn. The fear of the enclosed space, the inability to escape gripped his mind and refused to relinquish its hold. He took deep breaths as he tried to calm his mind and ease the anxiety.

Tisha had found a small cave that gave them enough room to move about but the narrow opening made it perfect to defend. Bartrand agreed that it would the perfect location for the base camp. As they set-up Anders felt as if the walls were beginning to close in on him, the ceiling that, just a few minutes ago, seemed so high now felt as if it were crashing down on him. His grasped his chest as pain shot through it, his breath was raspy as it became difficult for him to pull air into his lungs. His head began to spin as the panic gripped his mind and he fell to his knees.

He felt a warm arm tenderly slide around his shoulders, "Anders… Anders are you okay?"

"C-can't… can't b-breathe," Anders choked out.

"Anders, sit down and take long deep breaths," Tisha instructed.

Anders sat and tried to draw in deep breaths, but he couldn't get the air to fill his lungs.

Tisha sat down beside him, her voice soft and soothing. "Anders close your eyes, picture something that you find calming and breathe deeply with me. "Breathe in." He heard her inhale. "Now hold it... breathe out." He heard her exhale. "Again."

They sat there, breathing together for several minutes until his anxiety was once again manageable. Eventually she rested her hand on his thigh, "Anders, I'm so sorry. If I had realized that the Deep Roads affected you so deeply I would have never asked you to come."
Anders continued to breathe in deeply as he replied, "It's okay. I should be okay. The first one is always the worst; I should be able to manage it from this point on."

Anders looked around the camp and was surprised to see that no one was staring at them. They were all busy organizing the camp. She smiled warmly at him, "It's okay no one noticed. I only realized you were having some kind of attack because I was standing near you when it hit."

She stood up and laid out his bedroll. "Here, make yourself comfortable and let me get you some soup that Varric made."

Anders raised an eyebrow and she grinned, "I know, but it's actually really good this time."

Anders made himself comfortable on the bedroll and a few minutes later Tisha returned with a bowl of soup and a piece of bread. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until he smelled the delicious aroma coming from the bowl. He devoured it within minutes; Tisha laughed, stood up and got him another bowl. He loved the way she was taking care of him. He had never had a woman tend to him, look out for him like this and it was comforting.

"Anders, is it the Deep Roads that brings on the attacks?" Tisha asked gently.

Anders hesitated a moment before he spoke. He shook his head, "No, it's any enclosed space that brings it on."

"Do you know why small spaces have that affect on you?"

Again he hesitated, then nodded. "When I was brought back to the tower after each escape, I was placed in solitary confinement. The punishment normally only lasted a month maybe a little longer, but the last time was the worst. The Knight-Commander had enough of my antics and was Fade bound to break my will and make an example out of me. This time when we returned to the Circle they brought me to the main courtyard… they ripped through my robes, exposing my bare back and strung me up to a tree so that my arms were above my head."

He felt Tisha cringe beside him and grasp his hand as she anticipated where the story was heading. He collected his thoughts then took a deep breath before he continued, his voice becoming distant as the horrible memory came flooding back, "A crowd had begun to gather as word rapidly spread through the tower that a mage was about to be flogged. As Knight-Commander Greagoir walked into the court and cracked the whip, the crowd grew deathly silent. Then I heard a loud commotion, glanced over my shoulder and saw the irate face of the First Enchanter as he stormed up to Greagoir. 'What the bloody hell are you doing Greagoir?' Irving had demanded."

"I am about to show all mages why it's a very bad idea to try to escape the tower, Irving."

"This is uncalled for and inhumane; Anders isn't a criminal. Stop treating him as such!"

"Irving, I'm in charge of the mages in this tower and I will discipline them how I see fit. Now stand back or you will be next!"

"The Grand Cleric will hear about this!"

"She already has and gave me her blessing." Greagoir said with great satisfaction.

"There was a long pause and then I heard the crack of the whip a split second before I felt the bite of the lash on my back... it seared into my flesh… the pain… it was excruciating, but before I really had time to recover I heard the crack again…this time it felt like a bolt of lightning had struck my back; I felt warm liquid begin to ooze down my skin…"

Anders paused and Tisha squeezed his hand, "Anders, you don't have to continue if you don't want to."

Anders shook his head, "No, I need to get this out… I've never talked about it before. It's time… I don't know how long I was tied to the tree, I don't know how many times the whip cut into my back before I lost consciousness. The last thing I remember was the voice of a woman cry out, 'Please NO more, you're killing him!' The next thing I remember was being dragged to the pit, thrown into a tiny hole and left for dead… I drifted in and out of consciousness as the agony rolled over me in non-stop waves. Sometime later, I felt the warmth of a healing spell on my back and the pain began to subside. I wasn't sure who was healing me, but I remember trying to thank them as the darkness overtook me again."

Tisha gently reached up and caressed his back. "H-how… how could they mar someone as beautiful and kind as you? It truly is a crime." He looked at her and saw the tears racing down her cheeks. He reached up and tenderly wiped them away. He smiled warmly and slid his arm around her.

She leaned over and kissed his shoulder. "How long were you in the pit?"

"Six months," Anders replied unemotionally as he reined in his anger.

"What? That's crazy… and cruel!"

"I would have gone crazy if it wasn't for the kindness of a fellow mage and friend. An elf by the name of Tyvain Surana, he was the one that had healed me that first night and from that point on he would sneak into the pit and bring me food to eat and keep me company for as long as he could. He saved my sanity and my life," Anders said.

"Were you and he… hmm, together?" Tisha asked hesitantly.

Anders smiled slightly, "No, it wasn't like that with Ty. We were just friends."

"I'm glad he was there for you," she said as she gently pushed him down on his bedroll. "You have had a rough day. You need to get some rest."

Anders grasped her hand and pleadingly looked into her eyes, "I d-don't want…"

She stopped him from going on as she gently brought her fingers to lips, "Shhh, I'm not going anywhere, Anders. I'll be right here for you." She curled behind him on her side and draped her arm over him.

Her words brought him comfort and having her hold him brought a peace and serenity that he had never know before. As he drifted off to sleep he realized how deeply he had fallen in love with her.

From that night on Tisha had always arranged her bedroll next to his; having her so close brought him the tranquility he needed to keep his mental demons at bay and calm his nerves. He soon discovered that he was able to help her remain calm too. She had struggled against panicking when Bartrand had entombed them in the primeval thaig. She was able to mask her fear, but at night when he held her, he felt how unnerved she was as she trembled against him, and he was glad that he was able to be there to comfort her.

Tonight he jerked awake from a nightmare. He sat up and looked around the camp; everyone was sound asleep, he glanced down at Tisha beside him and… and Sweet Andraste, bride of the Maker…she had thrown her blankets off in her sleep and was lying on her side, her back to him, her panties had become twisted in her sleep and were riding up her backside exposing the most luscious bottom he had ever seen. Anders felt his breath hitch in his throat as all of his blood rushed to his groin. She moaned slightly in her sleep and pressed her hips against his, now very hard, member. Oh… oh Maker… this wasn't good and just as he was about to move away she moaned softly, "A-anders."

He couldn't help but smile. She was dreaming of him. He hoped it was a good dream. She moaned again, "Mmm…. Anders," and his eyes widened as she unconsciously slipped her hand between her legs. Well, it certainly was a very good dream and he was now as painfully hard as the stone they were sleeping on. Her breath began to quicken as her hips pressed into her hand and a groan escaped her lips. Watching her in the throes of a sexual dream, and knowing it was him she was dreaming about, was the most erotic thing he had ever witnessed; he was rapidly losing control.

He leaned away from her, ran his hand through his hair as he tried to compose himself, but she twisted the upper part of her torso his direction as if looking for his warmth and pressed her nearly exposed bottom harder against his hips. The feeling of her velvety skin against his groin sent desire coursing through him. Maker, he wanted to be a gentleman, but… fuck she was making it difficult. He rested his hand on the flat of her stomach and gazed at her breasts. The dark outlines of her nipples were visible through the thin material of the nightshirt and the hard peaks pressed alluringly through the thin fabric. He wanted desperately to capture the taut nubs with his lips and suck on it through the material. Involuntarily his hand began to drift toward those irresistible swells. Unconsciously… or maybe not, her hand slid between them and captured his throbbing groin. He shuddered at her touch and a guttural groan tore from his throat. Then his body went completely stiff as his blood began to tingle… darkspawn. He groaned out of frustration. Maker, help him he was going to die of blue balls soon if he didn't get some kind of release.

He leapt to his feet, threw on his robe to cover his erection and yelled, "Darkspawn."

Tisha, Carver and Varric were quickly on their feet grabbing for their weapons. No one had time to put on their armor before at least eight hurlocks and genlocks stormed into their camp. Tisha rushed forward, staff at the ready and fired every force spell she could muster. The genlock rogues almost caught her off guard as they appeared behind her, she turned around quickly and froze them on the spot then used her staff in one quick movement to hit and shatter them. She turned her attention back to the main group and started firing spells at them once more. Fireballs and cone of cold spells made it easy for the others to finish off the darkspawn in a matter of minutes. Carver had managed to dispatch three of the monsters while Anders and Varric took care of the rest of them.

Tisha spun to face them with a grin on her face, "Well if you can't get laid, killing darkspawn is the next…."

Anders felt it before the ground began to shake, "Tisha run!" But before she could move an ogre charged into the camp, grabbed Tisha and began to shake her. The brutal stories of Bethany's death flashed through his mind and he began to fire every powerful element and primal spell he had in his arsenal.

Carver must have had the same thought. As he leaped in the air, the ogre slammed Tisha to the ground. Carver drove his sword through the ogre's eye as the beast toppled over; he jumped off of him and began to wipe the darkspawn blood off of himself.

Anders rushed over to Tisha's crumpled form; he rolled her over and groaned at the extent of her injuries. She had cuts and scrapes on her face, it looked like her collar bone was dislocated, but he sensed internal bleeding in her abdomen where the monster had squeezed her. "Varric, go through my bag and Tisha's. I think I'm going to need every bottle of lyrium we have."

Anders began casting healing spell after healing spell and just when he thought he had stopped the bleeding, he would feel the blood begin to flow again.

"Please, please don't take her from me. I need her, please don't let her die."

"Anders, get a hold of yourself. If you don't concentrate we're going to lose her," Justice ordered.

Anders concentrated even harder, focusing the magic on the torn internal tissue. The magic flowed to the injured area and began to mend the damaged tissues; he pushed the magic deeper, stopping the flow of blood then continued to repair the damage. Varric handed him a lyrium vial, he took it, drank it without really thinking about it and then continued to heal her injuries.

It took nearly an hour for Anders to completely heal her and during that time Carver had worn a path into the dirt from all of his pacing. When Tisha's eyes finally fluttered open, Carver breathed out a heavy sigh of relief and fell to his knees beside her, "Thank the Maker, I thought for sure he was going to let you die."

Tisha grinned and squeezed Anders' hand, "Oh come on, Carver, Anders would never let me die. You need to have more faith in him than that."

Anders looked up at Carver and saw the cuts along his forearm and the darkspawn blood on his armor. "Carver, let me heal those wounds before that darkspawn blood gets into your veins."

Carver looked at the cuts and nodded. Anders drank some more lyrium and then began to weave the tissues back together as he looked critically at the warrior. He looked tired, but he didn't notice any signs of blight sickness. He would have to keep an eye on him.

After he finished healing Carver, he scooped Tisha up into his arms and carried her over to her bedroll. He brushed the hair out of her face, Maker he didn't know what he would do if he lost her. "You're going to give me a heart attack one of these days. Please be more careful."

She smiled at him, "I'll do my best, but danger is my middle name."

He grinned back at her, "Yes I know and so is tease. What was that comment about if you can't get laid, killing darkspawn is the next best thing? Where you awake the entire time?"

She grinned impishly at him, "Not the entire time."

Anders cocked an eyebrow, "When did you wake up?"

"Just before I rolled against you," she purred as she looked up at him through her long thick lashes. Maker she was so beautiful and as he thought about her hand stroking him, a shiver of desire passed through him.

"You definitely like to push the limits of what a man can endure."

"Am I tempting you, Anders? Are you close to breaking?" She grinned mischievously at him.

"One more push and I would have broken. I guess we can either thank or curse the darkspawn for interrupting, which would you pick?"

"Oh I would go with curse. I'm so frustrated I'm about to burst," Tisha sighed.

"I'll thank the Maker for all three of us," Justice interjected.

"Oh shut up! Who asked you," Anders retorted.

"You are treading on dangerous ground here, Anders," Justice warned.

"No, I'm in the deep roads, stuck with a spirit in my head who won't give me a moment's peace to flirt with a pretty girl"

"So I guess I'm not the only one close to breaking," Anders stated.

"I'm a dam that is about rupture. Killing darkspawn is the only thing that has taken the edge off," Tisha groaned.

"So I shall either have to tempt you further or find you some more darkspawn to kill," Anders stated.

"Find her some damn darkspawn!" Justice exclaimed.

"You've been tempting me since I first met you, so get your delicious ass over here and kiss me, or go find me some monsters to kill," Tisha stated.

"It's the Deep Roads, give it a moment there will darkspawn coming by soon."

Frustrated, she let out a long sigh as she rested her hand on his thigh; a sad smile crossed her lips, "That's what I thought. Who's the tease now, Anders? I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. You're always in my waking thoughts, you're now haunting my dreams, we both want each other, but aren't allowed to taste the forbidden fruit. This…" She said as she gestured between the two of them, "…it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to either one of us. After we leave the Deep Roads, it might be best if we went our separate ways."

Anders felt his heart break as the air was sucked out his lungs. "Why does it have to come down to that? Can't we find some way to just be friends?" Anders asked.

"She's right, Anders. You can't go on like this," Justice said.

Tears slid down her face, "We can never be friends, Anders. What we feel for each is too strong, the pull too intense, the desire too burning. It hurts too much when every moment I'm with you, all I yearn to do is touch you, kiss you and be with you in every way a woman can be with a man. If that can never happen between us then before we inflict more pain on each other we need to walk away."

"It breaks my heart to lose you; you mean the world to me. I don't know if I can go on w-without you," Anders said as voice broke.

"Anders, it breaks my heart to walk away from..."

He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked pleadingly into her eyes, "Then don't!"

"Then stop fighting against your feelings and stay with me!"

"I want to; Maker knows I want to, but Justice..."

"DON'T bring Justice into this. You aren't possessed, Anders. You still have free will. You still make your own choices. I'm asking... no I'm begging you to choose me!"

Anders ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "I can't. Justice is part of me, and he will always be part of me, that's what stands between us being more than just friends," Anders beseeching her to understand.

Tears were now freely flowing down her cheeks as reached back and slapped him hard across the face. "Get! Away! From! Me!"

The impact of her words hit him harder than the blow from her hand. He grabbed her and pulled her to him, crushing her against his chest. He kissed her forehead, her temple, the salt tears on her cheek, "I choose you! I can't live without you! I choose you!"

As his own tears raced down his face, he kissed his way to her lips and sighed against them, "Please don't leave me, Tish. I need you; you make everything right in my crazy, fucked up world. I need you like I need air to breathe. I need you to survive. Please don't go."

"I'm not going anywhere if you are with me, I love you Anders, always have and always will," Tisha said just as Anders lips crashed against hers, his hands pulled her closer as his fingers tangled in her hair, his tongue slid hungrily over hers as they danced together and his body flushed with heat and longing. Her lips were so soft and smooth, she tasted divine, so sweet, so delicate, yet her mouth was strong and hard. He deepened the kiss and he felt her eager response. He couldn't get enough of her, she was intoxicating and he wanted to drown in her. His hand slid to the nape of her neck as he held her against him, unwilling to let her go, never wanting to let her go.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, she clung to him as he continued to ravish her lips, he drank selfishly from her, taking in all that she had to give, and then taking even more. He was losing himself in her scent, her touch, her taste that he forgot about the outside world. Only she and this moment existed for him.

A loud cough came from across the camp. "It's about bloody time," Varric yelled.

Reluctantly, Anders pulled away from Tisha.

"Aaah, my eyes, the pain… I think that image will be forever burned into my brain. Now you have successfully scared your brother, could the two of you shut the hell up so the rest of us can get some sleep!" Carver grumbled.

"I have a feeling our sleep won't be very peaceful with all the moaning that will probably take place from there," Varric stated.

"You won't hear any moaning if I knock you over the head with my staff," Tisha yelled back.

"Knock me out too while you're at it. I will definitely need it," Carver said as he shuddered.

"That was no worse than me witnessing you making out with Betty Turndale. At least Anders and I still had our clothes on," Tisha retorted.

That seemed to shut her brother up so Anders pulled her down onto their bedrolls, and drew her against his chest. He kissed the back of her neck as he whispered, "I can't wait to get the hell out of here so that I can be alone with you."

"Definitely gives us something new to fight for," she moaned quietly as he continued to feather kisses on her neck and shoulders. He fell asleep holding her against his chest, he never felt so at peace, even with Justice's irate tirade continuing in his head.

Anders couldn't believe their luck after they had defeated the Rock Wraith, that they had found the key to get out of that Maker forsaken thaig. They were about a day away from exiting the Deep Roads when Carver came down with Blight sickness. He had sensed other Wardens the closer they got to the surface and had deliberately guided their group down tunnels that would avoid them, but with Carver's life on the line he was forced to seek them out. Carver had been none to grateful to his sister for giving him a choice other than a painful death and he wanted to smack the ungrateful bastard upside the head, but for Tisha's sake, he restrained himself.

Once they were out, they were only a few short weeks away from being back in Kirkwall, just a few weeks away from finally giving in to his love and desire for Tisha. Even though Anders had mentally made up his mind to be with her, even though he slept every night with her in his arms, Justice had remained unusually quiet. He could still feel the spirit's presence, knew he was there, but it was as if Justice was pouting over losing. Or maybe it was just the quiet before the storm. Anders had a feeling it was the latter, he knew Justice wouldn't cave on this without a fight but for now, Anders prepared himself for the battle and took great pleasure in the silent solitude in his head.


A/N- Thank you to everyone that has added this story to their alert and favs lists. We are so glad that you like our story. Also a big shout out to those that took the time to drop a line in our box and share your thoughts with us.

*A very special and wholehearted thanks go out to our awesomelicious betas for not only making us look good but also editing this chapter for us in such short notice. Huge hugs to both Kira Tamarion and RandomWittering. You rock spectacularly!