Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. I am making no money from this. Tite Kubo owns all, I'm just playing with them for a while. I also do not own any of the quotes I use at the start of each chapter. They were all found on the internet, and if they have an author I say who it is.
Author's Notes: Still dedicated to all the amazing readers who reviewed "For Her Smile." Especially to those of you who are finding it for the first time. Because I did agree with you that one day Ran should find out.
Until the Last Breath
By Lady Callista
Chapter 8 : Reasons
OoOoOoOoOoO
"The single truth this one cannot abandon. The wish to protect those within sight, the wish to be strength for those who suffer, those in sorrow. This one wants to see even one more smile."
Kenshin Himura in Rurouni Kenshin, manga vol. 27
OoOoOoOoOoO
Orihime sat quietly, looking at the ground, aware of the fact that the four people sitting on the gay picnic blanket with her were doing the same. No one wanted to break the silence. No one knew what to say.
Finally, Karin left her boyfriend's side to walk over and pick up the pink scarf that had been thrown to the ground. "I've never seen her without this." She said softly, unsure if she was being annoying. She barely knew Rangiku, although they had been becoming friends over the month since she had been up here.
"Nor this." Toshiro added, staring at the silver ring and necklace still cupped in his hand.
"I know they are both keepsakes from before she became a Shinigami, and I know they both remind her of Ichimaru." Byakuya said, no emotion showing on his face although there was a slight hitch in his voice. "I have never asked, and she has never offered, more than that."
"I, uh, I can tell you about the necklace." Orihime offered quietly, hoping this didn't count as betraying her friend's confidence. "I asked her once, since she wore it all the time like I did my barrettes, if it had power. If it held part of her power. Rangiku said no, and yes at the same time. She told me a story, but thee uh… the main thing is that Ichimaru-san had taught her to fight, because Rukongai is dangerous and all. That necklace is a memento of her first fight. Her first victory. The start of her journey to who she is today. She said it reminded her of where she had come from, and of who she had been before she became a fukutaicho. She never said it reminded her of him, although she did get a little spacey for a few minutes when she was telling me about their first kiss…"
Byakuya twitched involuntarily, and Orihime's eyes flew to him in horror as she stopped talking.
It took Byakuya about fifteen seconds to speak, but his voice was neutral when he said, "I have held her while she cried over him. I have listened to her memories after she awakens me in the night by screaming another man's name. I know she loves him, as I love my first wife still. I am only upset to learn… learn what he did… because it will hurt her more."
Karin blushed, and surprised everyone in the group by bowing to him. "Kuchiki-taicho, I'm sorry. It is my fault that she found out. I lost control of Kyokon, and heard something that…"
"It's okay, Kurosaki-chan." Byakuya said gently, focusing his attentions on the young girl. "I agree that she has a right to know; I am just sorry it will hurt her."
Toshiro bowed as well. "I honored his dying wish, and understood it in some manner. He asked me if, since I had told him I would kill for someone, would I die for her? He put me in his shoes, and asked me if I would want her to know."
"If it were me, I would not want her to know." Byakuya whispered.
"Which is what I concluded." Toshiro said softly as he rose from his bow.
"If you ever decide to die for me, you better succeed." Karin growled into the silence. "Or I'll kill you myself."
Yoruichi, who had been silent since her friend left, turned to Orihime and asked sofrly, "You see your barrettes the same way, don't you?"
"Yeah, I kinda do." Orihime admitted. "My brother gave them to me right before he died, so even before they held my power I wore them every day. They remind me of who I was. Before I knew about Shinigami and Hollows. Before my brother died and I was alone. When my life was nothing more than school, and clubs, and my friends. The necklace Ichigo gave me is the same. It reminds me that he's always with me. No matter what."
Karin fingered the pink piece of cloth she held delicately. "What about this?"
"I know he once wrapped it around her, and she's worn it ever since." Toshiro said softly. "Years ago, probably around the time you were born, Karin-koishii, Momo talked me into getting Rangiku a gift one year for her birthday. Momo liked the scarf she always wore, but thought that she should wear it in different colors. Rangiku thanked me, but told me that she would never wear any scarf but the pink one. She told me that someone she loved had put it around her himself, and that as long as she was wearing it, it was like a part of him was with her."
Byakuya twitched again, and slid one foot out of seiza and forward, intending to rise.
Orihime reached out and placed a hand on his arm, both halting his motion and causing him to whip his head around to stare imperiously at her.
Orihime gulped, but didn't withdraw her hand. "Please, Kuchiki-taicho. Ichigo asked for 30 minutes. He… he knows how she's feeling, at least more than any of us do. Please."
Byakuya did not reply, but he did return to his fully seated position, and Orihime quickly withdrew her hand.
There was silence for a minute, which Karin broke awkwardly by saying softly to Toshiro, "I'm sorry. I… I lost control of Kyokon. I shouldn't have said anything…"
"It's okay, Karin." Toshiro said quietly. "I've been having this debate with Hyorinmaru for years. He always thought I should have told her. One part of me agreed at first, but once she got together with Kuchiki… once she was happy again…"
"There is no way to tell what would have happened had she known since the beginning." Byakuya said quietly. "None of us can read the future and see what the best decision is at any given moment. We can only do the best we can. Toshiro, I understand why you didn't tell her. And I think in time she will too."
Toshiro was silent for a moment, although whether he was in shock at being addressed by his given name by Byakuya for the first time, or in shock at the rest of the words that had been spoken, not even he was certain. In the end, he said the only thing he could. "Thank you, Byakuya."
Conversation trailed off into an uneasy silence as everyone waited for Ichigo to return.
Orihime drew her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees as she wrapped her arms around her legs. She tried to imagine what Ichigo was saying to Rangiku, well aware that up until now he had never spoken of his feelings about his mother's death with anyone, not even her. They had talked about so much over the years, but that was the one wound he had never let her see. She had learned after a few attempts to just leave it alone.
Knowing he would likely be upset when he returned, Orihime breathed deeply as she thought about how to best comfort him. And she tucked away the little kernel of resentment and hurt that he was telling his most personal feelings to someone other than her.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO
Ichigo found the house Byakuya had told him about easily. Once he got near, her fluctuating reiatsu was better than a locator beacon. He landed in front of the house and walked through it silently, finding her exactly where Byakuya had said he would.
Sitting under the apple tree in the backyard.
Fingering a small piece of ragged white cloth that was snagged deeply on the tree.
Crying her heart out.
For the first time since he had left the group, Ichigo questioned his decision that he should be the one to go after her. Yes, he knew how she felt. But he couldn't even talk with Orihime about his mother. How was he ever going to get the words out with Rangiku, whom he had damn near detested for nearly the first year he had known her?
"Just leave me alone, please."
He hadn't even been certain she was aware enough to know he was there, but her broken sob did what nothing else could have, it made him cross to her and sit down beside her. Because he remembered what it felt like to have his heart break.
"I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because I always blamed myself for my mother's death." Ichigo stared straight ahead as he spoke in a detached voice. "I always knew she died because of me. Although I didn't learn until years later that she chose to die for me."
Rangiku's sobs choked off, and she gasped as she looked over at him.
Ichigo felt her gaze, but couldn't make himself look at her. It was all he could do to keep speaking. "I've been able to see ghosts for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I couldn't tell them apart from people. It was raining one night, and I saw a little girl about to jump into the river. She wasn't real, wasn't… alive, but I didn't know that. I tried to save her. The next thing I remember was waking up on the riverbank, my mother's body wrapped around me protectively. Covered in blood."
Although she gave no reply, Rangiku didn't try to stop him, and her sobs had turned to silent tears.
"I always thought she slipped or something, or maybe I did and she broke my fall, but it was still my fault cause I had run down to the bank when she was screaming at me not to."
"It was an accident." Rangiku whispered.
"When I fought the Grand Fisher, I learned the little girl had been bait. I don't think my mom could see ghosts, or Hollows, but maybe she sensed something. Or maybe she just reacted because I did.
"I remembered then. I remembered hearing her chasing after me as I ran, and suddenly I couldn't see the girl anyone, just the Hollow. I stopped running, and I just stared at it and screamed. I felt her grab me and spin us around. She protected me, she used herself as a shield, from something she couldn't even see."
"Ichigo…"
"I never understood why she would do that." Ichigo whispered, barely hearing her murmur his name. If he stopped talking now he wouldn't be able to start again. "Until I saw Ulq… until I saw one of the Espada about to kill Orihime. And I knew that if the only way to save her was to die then that was what I would do. There was no doubt, no hesitation. I would die for her."
"She felt the same way." Rangiku whispered. "You have to know that's why she went there in the first place."
Ichigo nodded. "I know. And I know you loved Ichimaru, just like Orihime loves me. Tell me, would you have died for him? Would you die for Byakuya?"
"Yes, but…" Rangiku's voice was soft and thoughtful, and although tears still rolled down her cheeks her voice was fairly clear. "I would step in front of a sword for them. I would protect them, even if I knew I would die doing it. I don't know if I could do it if they wouldn't know. I'm… I'm not that strong. I don't know what I would do if I had to make them think I had betrayed them. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't use my last breath to tell them that I loved them."
"Do you wish you had never found out?" Ichigo asked quietly.
"Gin never told me, not once in over a hundred years, that he loved me." Rangiku whispered, not mentioning the fact that his spirit had said it to her after he died. She still didn't know if that had been a dream or really him, although she liked to believe the latter. "I said it all the time, but he would never say it back. Toshiro told me… that his last words were to tell me that I should consider it said. I never understood how he could say that to me… I didn't know how it could be true because of what he had done… It makes sense now."
Although he was tempted to repeat his question, Ichigo let the fragile silence hold.
"I wish I had known from the beginning what he was doing. Failing that, I wish Toshiro had told me after he died. But I don't know what I would have done if he had." Rangiku admitted. "I don't know if I would have the life I do now. If I knew how much he loved me, if I knew he had died for me, I don't know if I could have moved on so quickly. I mostly just wanted to forget him. At first that's all I was using Byakuya for. I don't know if I would have ever moved in his direction if…"
Ichigo sat awkwardly as she broke into fresh sobs. He was trying to think of something to say when he realized she was trying to speak, and he leaned closer to listen to broken words.
"Bya… I… I want… Byakuya…."
Ichigo put a hand on her shoulder awkwardly and said gently, "Wait right here. I'll get him, okay?"
Rangiku nodded as her forehead sank to her knees and she continued to cry.
Ichigo took his hand from her shoulder, and had just stood up to leave when he heard her whisper his name.
"Ichigo… thank you. What you said… it… it did help… I… I'm sorry about your mother…"
Ichigo felt a lump form in this throat, and he took a quick shunpo back in the direction their friends were waiting. That way he could tell himself the tears were only from the wind stinging his eyes.
OoOoOoOoOoO
Orihime quietly opened the door to the house they stayed in when they were in Seireitei, a silent Ichigo following her into the house and removing his sandals by rote.
The group had split up as soon as he returned. Yoruichi had left with the intention of telling Rangiku's close friends what had happened, knowing that Rangiku would need her friend's support in the weeks ahead. Karin and Toshiro had gone home, both still feeling bad about their parts in the situation. Byakuya had, of course, gone to Rangiku.
And Orihime had taken Ichigo by the hand and led him to their house. Other than to tell Byakuya that Rangiku wanted him Ichigo hadn't spoken since he returned to them, and Orihime could feel the sorrow in his heart.
But she knew better than to push at the wound now. He would tell her if and when he was ready to. Or he wouldn't. She knew if she pushed hard enough he would tell her, but she couldn't bring herself to hurt him any more than he was already hurting.
Ichigo followed her meekly, sitting on the couch beside her when she pulled him down, but still lost in his own thoughts. He felt one of her hands stroking down his back comfortingly, and forced himself to turn towards her, taking her other hand in his own gently.
He had been with her long enough to know exactly what was bothering her the most, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he let her go on thinking what he knew she was for a second longer than necessary. He still found it difficult to get the words out. "I… I'm sorry I never talked about it with you. I'm sorry I could never… I know I've told you little things about her but…"
"Ichigo, it's okay." Orihime said quietly. "You… you waited till I was ready to tell you about Hueco Mundo. You waited until I was ready to tell you about my nightmares. You, you don't have to talk about it…"
"Hime, I know it bothers you." Ichigo whispered, and she fell silent at the nickname he normally used only when they were at their most personal and private. "It bothers you that I never talked to you about it, and it bothers you more that I talked about it with someone else."
"It's not about me, Ichigo." Orihime replied, her eyes showing sympathy. "I know how hard it is for you to talk about your feelings. Especially about your mom. I love that you've told me as much as you have. I know that you've trusted me with feelings you've never told anyone else about. I…"
"I always wanted to be just like her." Ichigo cut her off, and took a deep breath when she only widened her eyes and watched him. "I've told you how she was the center of my universe… how just being with her always made me smile. Even after she… she was gone, I wanted her to be proud of me. I wanted to believe she was up in heaven, watching out for me, and being proud of me. I… I failed to protect her, but I wouldn't ever fail at protecting anyone else. I wasn't strong enough to save her, so I had to make it up to her by not letting anyone else get hurt. Ever."
"You wanted to repay her for saving your life by doing the same thing she did." Orihime whispered. "By protecting others."
Ichigo's eyes closed as a shudder ran through him. "You understand me so well."
"I love you." Orihime replied simply. "I always wondered why you had such a strong desire to protect everyone, but I never thought that much about it. It's just who you are."
"Just like wanting to heal everyone is who you are." Ichigo replied after a moment of reflexive silence.
"Because I can't stand to see anyone in pain." Orihime whispered, realizing even as she spoke that, just as he had never spoken of his mother's death, she had never spoken of her brother's in quite this way before. "After Sora died, I… I knew how much it hurt to lose someone you loved, and I never wanted anyone else to feel that way. I wanted to save everyone, so that no one who loved them would have to be sad."
"Hime…"
"It… it's why I was so confused when Karin died." Orihime admitted. "I mean, we were sad that she died, but it meant she got to be with Toshiro. She got to be with the man she loved. And we could still see her whenever we wanted. She wasn't really gone, you know what I mean? But I still felt like such a failure because I hadn't been able to save her."
"You never said anything about…" Ichigo whispered.
"You were so sad about losing her." Orihime replied. "And you were coming up here every week to check on her, and you always told me how well she was doing. How happy she was. And I started thinking that maybe it was good that I hadn't saved her, but at the same time it didn't feel like not saving someone could ever be the right answer. It took me a while, but I realized in this case it was the right answer. It turned out better this way. But the tiniest part of me still wishes I could have saved her."
"Just like part of me still wishes I could have saved my mom. But… but if my mom hadn't died like she did, I wouldn't be the same person I am today." Ichigo whispered. "If your brother hadn't died like he did, you wouldn't be the person you are today."
"Your mother would be so proud of you, if she could see who you've become." Orihime whispered.
"Your brother too, of you." Ichigo whispered, taking both of her hands in his.
The words he'd been trying to find for over a month were finally clear in his head. Suddenly it didn't seem scary at all. He knew he wasn't going to blush, or stammer. He knew he wasn't going to get nervous and back out. He was damned if they were going to be interrupted again.
All his love for her burning in his eyes, Ichigo asked softly, "Orihime, will you marry me?"
OoOoOoOoOoO
"I've wasted time, I've wasted me; so say I'm slow for my age, a late bloomer, okay I agree… Someone's gonna make good, cross his stupid heart. Make good and finally make you, proud of your boy."
From "Proud of Your Boy," a deleted song from Disney's "Aladdin"
OoOoOoOoOoO
TBC…
AN2: He finally got to ask! And I don't think it counts as a cliffhanger when everyone knows what she's going to say. ;-)
