I've been away for a while now and I have never felt more alive. Being with 'him' was like drowning, slowly. Every time I came up to take a breath, something would drag me back down again. Eventually, I stopped coming up for air.

It's been a while since I've seen him and that is the way I want to keep it. I've been working at this club called Glass, I have a boyfriend called Jake and I have a little flat that I share with him.

Things were not easy at first. I almost found it impossible to stay away from 'him'. When someone is so imbedded in your soul, I suppose forgetting them will be difficult. He found it difficult to stay away from me too. In the beginning he would come by the flat, drunk and irate. He would scream 'you're mine Stephan' or 'you leave when I say you leave'. I however stood by my threats this time and called the police. Of course when they arrived he would be gone. Like he was never there to begin with. This continued to happen for weeks and every time I would call the police. He eventually stopped coming and I pretended that it didn't break my heart.

When my job with my mate fell through, I took another job as a barman at a club in Chester. The late nights and commute took a toll on me so I found a little flat near the club. That is when I met Jake, he also worked at the club. He is about the same age as me, with dark brown hair and green eyes. He is actually really beautiful and kind. I of course thwarted off his advances at first because I was completely, unequivocally still in love with 'him'. He however was not easily swayed and never gave up on me. One night while we were clearing out the punters from the club, he asked me what I was so afraid of.

X/X/X

"Ste, I've known you for what…almost 6 months now and I know nothing about you."

"What's there to know." I continue clearing up glasses. I don't like where this conversation is going.

"Well obviously a lot, there has gotta be a reason why you keep blanking me, I mean look at this face." He points to his face and puts on his best seductive smile. I can't help but chuckle, he is really fit and funny. "What are you afraid of?" He stares at me with his big green eyes expecting an answer. The truth is I am afraid of everything. I am afraid that if I tell him about my life, he will see what a horrible person I am. I'm afraid that if I start taking about things, it will all come crashing down. I feel that I was able to start over with a clean slate. If I tell Jake about 'him', I'm afraid I won't be able to push those feelings back down.

It's not as if I haven't thought about 'him' from time to time but I forced myself to put it in the past. I took myself as far away as possible and I have not even whispered his name since. I can't tell Jake about myself because if I open up that Pandora's box, I will have to tell him about 'him' and I just can't do that.

I try to change the direction of our conversation. "You know what, let's do it…lets go out."

"What?"

"I want you to take me out, like on a proper date."

He smiles at me. "Well it's about time, I was about ready to pull out all the stops." His questions seem to have subsided for now and that is what I want. I will go out with him if that means I get to pretend for another day. "I knew it was only a matter of time."

"Oh yeah, why?" I tease, giving him my best disinterested face.

"You couldn't resist me forever." He teases me right back. I want to be happy about this, I should be happy about this. Jake is fit and well into me. But in the back of my head, I know that I can never give him 100 percent of myself. I will always be afraid of the truth.

X/X/X

It's not like I've lied about my whole life to Jake. He knows about Amy and the kids because they come and visit me sometimes. He knows that I had a rough go of it and that is why I don't speak about my parents. He also knows that I was in love with someone else once but that is where it ends. He doesn't know that I grew up in Hollyoaks, only miles away or that before moving here I was in an abusive relationship. He doesn't know about my past with Amy or that I once hit 'him' with a baseball bat. He doesn't know these things because I am afraid that if he does he will run the other direction. Luckily he doesn't push, I know that he is curious but he is aware that if he pushes too hard I might run.

In the months that we have spent together, I have learned what a real relationship is like. Being in a sadistic one for so long, I thought that is what all my relationships would be like. The first time that Jake and I ever got into a fight, he waved his hands in anger and I covered my face out of fear. He was in such shock that I thought that he could hit me that the argument ended right there. Instead of punches and kicks, we talked about it. I of course didn't give too much away, only saying that I have dealt with abuse before. He promised me that he would never ever hit me and I believed him.

After that we were inseparable, I felt alive when I was with him. My thoughts of 'him' became less and less frequent. It was only in the middle of the night when Jake was softly snoring that I would let 'him' creep in there, invade my thoughts. I would wonder what he was doing, if he had a new boy he pushed around, if he ever thought of me anymore. I wouldn't let these thoughts stay for long though. I would push them back down and fall asleep next to my boyfriend. I haven't had one of these thoughts in months and I began to feel as though, I was moving on. Finally.

So when Jake tells me he was going to hang out with his mates this weekend I was more than happy for him. I trust him and that is so much more than I can say about my relationship with 'him'.

"Do you want to come with, it will be a blast." He says excitedly. I can tell that he is eager to see his mates. Since we have gotten together, we have spent so much time together that other things have gone on the backburner.

"No, I'm working this weekend, go on." I have found that I have become somewhat of a recluse. That I spend more time at home because I am so afraid that someone I know will spot me and blow my covers.

"I bet we can get James to cover." He picks up the phone and starts dialing. He keeps pushing. I know that he wants me to go with him, to meet his mates but I just can't do it.

I grab the phone out of his hand. "No it's alright, have fun with your mates, where ya going anyway?" To tell you the truth, I don't really care. It will be nice to have the place to myself.

"Oh this little village called Hollyoaks." My heart stops. He continues to talk but I have a hard time listening after that. He says something about his mate and how he goes to HCC. But all I can think about is what if Jake meets 'him'. What if he already knows about Jake? What if…what if…what if. "…and we're going to this club called ChezChez." And with that, my attention is diverted back to him again.

"What…why…why are you going there, why can't he come here"

"I just told you Ste, aren't you listening, he broke his leg snow boarding and he is depressed. He wants us to hang out and this club ChezChez has the hottest girls, according to him of course." He chuckles to himself a little. I of course cannot move. I can't let him go there.

"Jake…please stay home." My voice comes across panicked. He tilts his head in confusion.

"What…why Ste, what are you talking about, just a minute ago you told me to go have fun with my mates."

"Please, just stay." I beg him.

"What is the matter with you, why are you acting so weird? If you want me to stay home you're going to have to give me a reason." He is challenging me now. He knows there is a reason and he knows all too well that I am not going to tell him.

"I just miss you, that's all. I thought maybe we could spend the weekend together."

"Oh…well since you're working this weekend, we can't really do that now can we. Ste, if you have something to say, just spit it out. Why don't you want me to go?"

"I don't…I mean, I don't have anything to say. I'm sorry. You're right. Go, have fun. I will be fine, you know how I get sometimes."

He eyes me incredulously but seems to accept that that is all he is getting out of me. "I don't understand you sometimes Ste, I'm gonna go hang out with my mates and I'll be back Sunday night. Okay."

I nod. "Okay," I don't mean to be so confusing. I wish I had the courage to tell him the truth but I don't. So I give him a quick peck and he heads out the door.

X/X

He comes back Sunday night as expected. I have not slept a wink all weekend and am waiting for him to return.

He comes in, says a quick hello and throws his bags in the bedroom. I eye him the whole time he does this. I need to see his face. I can't tell if he's angry, sad or happy.

He continues into the kitchen and grabs himself some water. When he comes back into the common room I finally see his face and…nothing. I can't tell. He sits down on the couch next to me and gives me a kiss on the lips.

"So how was the weekend?" I ask cautiously.

"Oh it was brilliant. Yeah, loads of fun. I'm gonna go to bed now, I'm knackered." He says giving me another kiss and walking into the bedroom. I let out a sigh of relief.

My secrets are still safe.