Woeful Wizards Prisoner of Azkaban Episode Two
Scene 1:
[Harry and Ron plus all Gryffindors, excluding Hermione, are in the Divination room]
Harry: I wonder what our new teacher is like.
[Hermione appears out of nowhere]
Hermione: [Putting away Time Turner] Huh, I think this Time Turner is a little off.
Ron: (s) WHAT?
Hermione: (s)… nothing.
Ron: (s to Harry) Did Hermione just-
Harry: (s) Hush Ron. Teacher is coming.
[Trelawney shuffles into class]
Trelawney: [without infliction] Morning.
Hermione: [looks shocked] Well that was melodramatic.
Trelawney: [still in monotone] Everyone get a teacup.
[All students get teacups]
Harry: (whispering to gang) She likes the theatrics, doesn't she?
Trelawney: Just read the textbook, okay?
[Trelawney falls asleep in her chair]
Ron: (s to Harry) Did she just predict your death, Harry?
Harry: (stares into middle distance) I think so, Ron. I think so.
Scene 2:
[Draco and the gang are walking towards the Forbidden Forest]
Goyle: So, Draco?
Draco: Yes?
Goyle: Who's going to be our singer?
Draco: (s)… I don't know.
Crabbe: But we need a singer bec-
Draco: (turns around sharply and yells) I SAID I DON'T KNOW.
[Draco storms off. Crabbe and Goyle look at each other, stunned]
Scene 3:
[Outside Hagrid's Hut. The Slytherins and Gryffindors are waiting. Hagrid comes out of the Forbidden Forest, leading Buckbeak]
Hagrid: Salutations, dear friends!
Draco: (in high pitched voice) Salutations!
[Goyle and Crabbe giggle. Harry glares at Draco.]
Hagrid: Before we start, does anyone know what an animagus is? No? Harry, you better find out soon.
[Harry looks confused]
Hagrid: Now, who knows what this noble creature is? (points to Buckbeak)
[Everyone looks at Hermione]
Hermione: (s) What?
Ron: What's the answer Hermione?
Hermione: (angry s at Ron) How the bleeding hell should I know? (starts to cry)
Neville: (smoking) Hippogriff.
Hagrid: Congratulations, Hermione. That shall earn the Gryffindor household five points.
[Hermione stops crying and looks pleased with herself. Neville shrugs]
Hagrid: This good fellow's name is Buckbeak. Now, the Hippogriffs are a very proud race. If you dare offend them in the slightest, you will die. So, Harry, go and pet him.
Harry: (s) WHAT?
Hagrid: I dare say, Harry, that you shall succeed in this endeavour.
Harry: Okay… (s) But only to defend Neville's honour.
[Everyone looks shocked. Neville shrugs and continues smoking. Hagrid nods solemnly]
Hagrid: As always, sire. Now, to appease a Hippogriff you must-
Harry: (s) Bow?
Hagrid: (puzzled) Good heavens, no. How old fashioned. No, you must soothe a Hippogriff with the gentle thrum of a lullaby.
Harry: So, I have to (s) sing?
Hagrid: Or you could-
Harry: Fine. (s) For Neville.
[Harry starts to sing:]
"Hey there Buckbeak
Your coat looks sleek
Your wings seem large
I bet they could hold up a barge.
You look real nice
That's all I wanted to say"
Goyle: (whispering to Draco) He has the voice of an angel!
Crabbe: (whispering as well) And the lyrics of a bard!
[Buckbeak nods. All Gryffindors cheer, except for Neville who continues to smoke. All Slytherins scowl. Hagrid wipes tears away with his ascot]
Scene 4:
[In the Hogwarts staffroom. Snape, Lupin, McGonagall and Sprout are all having afternoon tea.]
Sprout: More tea, Snape?
Snape: I'm allergic, you ins-
[Wardrobe rattles in a mysterious way]
Lupin: Is that a boggart?
McGonagall: Yes.
Lupin: Oh. (Pause) Mind if I use it?
McGonagall: No.
Lupin: Good.
[They all take a sip of tea, except for Snape, who is drinking Diet Coke™]
Scene 5:
[Harry has just come back from riding Buckbeak. He is surrounded by Gryffindors.]
Dean: On ya, Harry!
Ron: (s) What a truly unforgettable experience, Harry.
Hermione: I believed in you, (s) Harry!
Harry: (s) And I couldn't have done it without your belief, Ro- I mean Herm- wait, what?
[Harry falls off Buckbeak. Draco and the gang rock up]
Draco: Bet I can ride Buckbeak better than you, (s) Potter.
Ron: (s) Prove it, Milkweed.
Draco: Ahem (starts to sing) "Oh Amazing Grace-"
[Buckbeak attacks Draco. Draco falls over, bleeding. Crabbe and Goyle rush to his aid]
Harry: You're such a (s) baby, Malfoy.
Crabbe: (through tears and s) He's bleeding from the head!
Hermione: Yeah! (s) Just because you have a thing against half-humans.
Ron: Stop putting it on, (s) Mudfruit.
Goyle: He's (s) unconscious.
[Hagrid picks up Malfoy]
Hagrid: TO THE INFIRMARY!
[Hagrid rushes off, with Crabbe and Goyle in tow. There is a moment of silence]
Hermione: Well, let's go to Defence Against the Dark Arts.
[Everyone shrugs and moves on.]
Scene 6:
[Draco is lying, asleep in bed. There is a bandage on his head. Crabbe and Goyle are holding a hand a piece]
Crabbe: Do you think he'll (s) live, Goyle?
Goyle: (s)… probably.
Crabbe: Oh, okay then.
[Mr and Mrs Malfoy walk in]
Mr Malfoy: Oh, my baby!
[Mr Malfoy runs to Draco's bed, sobbing]
Mr Malfoy: Who did this to you precious, who?
[Mr Malfoy picks up Draco's head and brings Draco's mouth closer to his ear]
Draco: (hoarsely) Buck… beak.
Mr Malfoy: (drops Draco's head and stands up sharply) That's it. I shall not rest until this Buckbeak is gone forever from Hogwarts and from this life!
[Dramatic music. Mr Malfoy storms out.]
Mrs Malfoy: Hi boys. How are you?
[Crabbe and Goyle look confused]
Mrs Malfoy: Oh, is Draco not feeling very well?
[Mr Malfoy comes back in, takes Mrs Malfoy by the hand and leads her away]
Scene 7:
[Harry and the gang are outside the DADA classroom, with the rest of the Gryffindors]
Harry: I wonder if Draco is going to be okay…
Hermione: (s) Of course he's going to be okay. It was only a scratch. (s) Right?
Ron: Man, I'm hungry.
[Harry and Hermione stare at Ron.]
Ron: (s) I wonder what Lupin will be like.
Hermione: I bet he'll be (s) interesting.
Harry: Dunno, I think he'll be kinda boring.
Hermione: (s) What do you mean, Harry?
Harry: Well, every teacher we have is either really mundane, really dramatic or Hagrid.
Ron: Yeah, but that's (s and stare into middle distance as well) life.
Harry and Hermione: (both s and stare into the middle distance as well) Life.
[The door to the defence against the DADA classroom mysteriously opens]
Lupin: (offscreen) Come in.
[The Gryffindors go in. Dramatic music.]
END OF EPISODE TWO
