Disclaimer: Mediator is to Meg Cabot as My cat is to me. Meaning Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot and my cat, Togo, belongs to me.
A/N: Well I hope you liked chapter 10, I did. Well I guess that's 'cause I wrote it. And I'm biased.
Sorry it took so long, I had a paper due for school and didn't have time to type this up.
Yes, I am old-fashioned. I actually write this out … on paper.
So this chapter, as I said in my A/N for chapter 10, is going to have a few steamy kisses … but don't … wait I'm not going to spoil it for you. You'll have to read it.
Longer Julian POV … well it's mostly from Julian's point of view.
Suze is a bit OOC in this chapter … and probably will be for the rest of the story, it's just a warning.
So without further ado … what the hell is 'ado'? Is it a … never mind … I'll give you chapter 11 before I start babbling.
Chapter 11
Julian POV
I came to a sudden stop if front of Suze, I practically ran into her. I studied her face; her eyes were a little puffy and I could see tear tracks on her cheeks. The CD made her cry.
Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
What do I say right now? My mind was a total blank. That seems to happen a lot around Suze. I lose all coherent thought.
"Did you listen to it?" I asked. Well no shit she listened to it, dumb ass. I thought to myself.
"Yeah." She whispered so softly I had to strain to hear her.
"What … uh … what did you think of it?" I asked.
"I liked it. I laughed at the first song." She paused and looked off to the side. I smiled at the memory of picking that particular song. "Most of them made me want to cry." She whispered.
"I wasn't trying to make you cry. I just want you to forgive me. And since I can never really say the right things I thought it would be better to say it through music." Wow, that sounded pretty stupid to me. "Look, I just want you … well I would say back, but if we're being honest we were never really together."
Suze looked back at me with a raised eyebrow. See what I mean when I said I can never say the right thing.
God, I'm an idiot.
"But that doesn't matter, I want you. I want to …" I paused because I had never really said this to a girl.
"You want to what?" Suze whispered while she looked down.
I looked her straight in the eyes. "I want to … be with you."
Suze looked at me then. Her green eyes were filled with unshed tears, making them shine. She was searching my face; I guess she was trying to see if I was telling the truth.
Hesitantly I lifted my hand to Suze's face. I rested my fingertips on her cheek.
A wave of heat and electricity surged from Suze to me. I'd never felt that and I doubted I'd ever feel it from anyone else. Mostly because I didn't want anyone else … ever.
Suze froze and, for a brief moment, I thought she was going to pull away from me. I was about to move my hand away but she closed her eyes and leaned in to my hand.
It was my turn to freeze. It was a few seconds before I snapped out of it. I was amazed that she wasn't pulling or moving away from me.
I ran my thumb across her cheekbone and I felt, rather than heard, her sigh.
I pressed my hand more firmly against her cheek and she responded by turning her head and kissing my palm.
Finally Suze opened her eyes and her green eyes clashed with my dark brown ones.
Until that moment I had never fully realized just how fucking beautiful Suze really was. Sure she is beautiful, but in that moment she looked so vulnerable, and knowing that Suze always acted tough made her seem all the more amazing.
I wondered if anyone had ever seen this vulnerable side of Suze, or if I was the only one.
I gazed deeper into Suze's eyes. I could see the conflict in them, but it was what else I saw that gave me hope. Pure, undiluted lust.
She was in lust with me. That was good.
Suze took a step toward me and she wrapped her arms around me. She rested her head against my shoulder. My arms went around her.
We stood there for a few moments just holding each other, and it felt right … perfect.
Suze turned her head and her face was in the crook of my neck.
I sighed when I felt her breath on my skin. I held her tighter and I felt her breath wash over the skin of my neck again.
Without warning, or much protest from me, I felt her lips press against my neck. I sucked in a deep breath as her lips sent more heat through my body.
My breathing picked up as Suze repeatedly kissed up and down my neck. I felt my hands curl into fists, grabbing handfuls of her shirt. I sighed and tilted my head to give Suze more room. She responded by biting me. My eyes rolled back slightly and I hissed through my teeth.
Suze, hearing, and most likely feeling, my reaction, did it again.
She made her way up toward my ear. She kissed just below my ear and then she took my earlobe between my lips.
And then she bit down on it.
"Fuck." I whispered raggedly.
The way she was kissing my neck and shit made me not want to believe what she had told me about only being kissed by one other guy.
What if that other guy was Jesse?
Don't think about that, idiot. Not while she's kissing you. My inner voice said.
So I stopped thinking altogether. All I focused on was Suze, her lips, and what she was doing to me.
She started making her way down my jaw. When she reached my chin she pulled away and stared at me.
Suze slowly slid her hands up my sides. I had to hold back a groan-moan-sigh as her hands traveled up my body.
Suze would be the death of me.
Her hands stopped at my shoulders. I licked my lips, which made Suze's eyes dart to them. She gradually dragged her eyes back up to meet mine.
I don't know what Suze saw in my eyes but she smiled a little and then she attacked my lips.
Yeah, that's the best way to describe it.
She just … attacked me with her lips.
I was caught off guard. Really. I didn't expect her to just throw herself at me.
It's not like I was complaining.
I pulled Suze's body closer to mine as our lips moved together. I was amazed at how good it felt to hold her and how well our bodies fit together.
I felt Suze move her hands up the side of my neck and then they were fisting into my hair.
I groaned against her mouth and I felt her lips pull into a smile.
I opened my eyes to look at her while I took her bottom lip between my teeth. I bit down on it lightly and caused Suze to moan. I chuckled and she opened her eyes to stare into mine.
I winked at her and I felt her breath hitch. It was nice to know how much of an affect I had on her.
Like the first time we kissed, Suze took my top lip into her mouth. We stood there for a while, sucking and biting each other's lips.
But I guess Suze and I both wanted more because our tongues darted out to meet at the same time. Soon our tongues were fighting for dominance.
With Suze pulling on my hair and her occasional whimpers and moans, I was easily forgetting that we were in a parking lot.
The parking lot of our school.
Which just so happens to be a church.
Yeah, I don't know about Suze, but I'm going to hell.
And Suze wasn't really helping me stay focused on the fact of where we were. She was yanking my hair, bringing my face closer to hers. And she was pressing herself closer to me.
This girl was definitely going to drive me crazy.
But since she wanted more I would oblige. I tilted my head to the side which allowed my tongue to slip deeper into Suze's mouth.
She half moaned - half sighed and pushed her body even closer to mine. How that was possible seeing as we were pretty damn close, was beyond me. Again, it's not like I'm complaining.
I'm definitely going to go the hell. Oh well, might as well enjoy it. I thought and pushed Suze with my body so we were walking backwards. I wrapped my arm around her waist to keep her from falling. I pushed her up against the Land Rover, grabbed her hips, and pulled her even closer.
And she fucking moaned again.
You know what I said about her driving me crazy? Yeah … I'm ready for the straight-jacket now.
I don't know about her, but I was getting light-headed. I wanted to stop but my lips weren't even connected to my brain anymore.
I could feel Suze's chest heaving against mine. One of us needed to pull away before we both passed out.
Finally and reluctantly, I was able to pull my lips away from hers. She whimpered breathlessly at the loss of our kiss. I rested my forehead against hers and moved my hands away from her hips, for fear of pulling her close again. I now rested them on her waist.
Suze moved her hands out of my hair. Which I was thankful for because my scalp was starting to sting from all the pulling she had been doing.
"Ok, you win." Suze whispered breathlessly.
"I won? What did I win?" I asked. Had we been playing a game? I was confused. Had I won her acceptance of my apology?
"I haven't had kisses better than that." She said with a smile.
Oh, yeah. That. I thought.
"Oh. Now, what do I get for winning?" I asked with a smirk.
Suze bit her lip, drawing my attention to her red, kiss swollen lips. "What do you want?" She asked in this husky, fucking sexy, voice.
Fucking shit, she was teasing me. Well, two can play that game. I thought.
I pulled my forehead from Suze's and tilted my head to the side. I contemplated saying something like 'a Porsche', but that probably would've earned me a slap from Suze. I didn't want that again, once was more than enough.
So I just decided to tell her the truth. "You." I whispered.
Suze sighed and looked down. She closed her eyes, effectively blocking my view to the only things that told me what Suze was really feeling.
I knew, at that moment, that something was up. I had a feeling that I wouldn't like what Suze was going to say next.
"Fucking shit." I whispered.
Suze looked up at me. "What's wrong?" She asked. The concern was clear in her voice, but her eyes were guarded.
I shook my head, stepping further away from Suze. "I don't know. What is wrong?"
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"I can tell that I'm not going to like whatever it is that's going through your mind."
"There's a lot going through my mind, Julian. And yes I'll admit that you won't like most of it. But I'm trying to sort it all out." Suze said.
"Sort what out?"
Suze walked away from me, just a couple of steps. I was glad because being in such a close proximity to her was making it hard to think. "I need to sort out what I'm feeling." I could hear confusion and pain in her voice, but, when she turned back to face me, I noticed that her face and eyes were emotionless. "I want you too, Julian."
I looked at her skeptically. She was saying that she wanted me, but her actions were telling me different.
"I do." She said indignantly. "I'm just so damn confused."
"Confused about what?" I was extremely curious. "What exactly is confusing you?" I asked because I was confused too.
I was confused as to why I was starting to feel crushed by the distant, detached look on Suze's face. It was getting hard for me to breathe and I wanted to know why. And most of all I wanted to know what was confusing her, I was pretty sure I made it clear what I wanted. I thought that I made it clear I wanted to be with her. Why the hell did she keep running hot and cold with me? (A/N: Sorry I was listening to Katy Perry when I wrote this part.)
"I'm confused about what I'm feeling." She said and I noticed her voice waver slightly.
I released a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. Was that why I was having trouble breathing? I was glad that she was showing some sign of emotion because that detachment was seriously fucking scaring the crap out of me.
"I'm confused about what I'm feeling for you. I'm confused about what I'm still feeling for Jesse. I'm …" She trailed off and stared at me.
I felt my jaw tighten at the mention of Jesse.
Why the fuck did it always come back to him?
God, was she ever going to get over him?
My eyes met Suze's and I was surprised to see them blazing in anger. Her eyes seemed darker, more of a forest green than the usual emerald green. She was so freaking beautiful, even though her anger was directed at me … at least I'm sure it was directed at me.
I blinked my eyes, clearing the haze that Suze put me in. "Are you always going to love Jesse?" I asked through clenched teeth.
"Are you always going to act like an idiot when I mention him?" She shot back.
Touché, I thought.
"I don't know, maybe. Honestly Suze, what guy wouldn't act like an idiot when the girl he wants more than anything is still in love with someone else?" I argued.
"If you wanted me more than anything you would learn to accept that my feelings for Jesse aren't going to go away automatically. If you wanted me more than anything you would accept the fact that you might have to share my heart."
"I don't want to share your heart. Especially not with a guy who is not even around anymore."
"What? You don't want to share my heart with a guy that's what?"
Oh fuck, she caught that. I'm prepared to have that thrown in my face. I thought.
"Not around anymore." I repeated.
"Exactly Julian. Jesse's gone. He is not going to come back and steal me away." Suze took a deep breath before she continued. "I think you and I both have some things to sort through. I need to sort out what I want. And you need to grip the fact that I still have feelings for Jesse."
I sighed and looked away. "What if I can't?"
"Well then we can't be together." Suze whispered brokenly.
I looked back at her. I couldn't believe she would … end us like that. "So, it's either I accept that you still love Jesse or I lose you?" I stated. "Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yeah." She said. "And I hope that you can accept it because I've lost you enough and I don't think I can handle it again."
I shook my head. "I can't. I want all of your heart or …"
"Nothing at all?" She finished.
"Yeah." I whispered. Even as I said it I could feel every fiber of my body protesting against it.
I watched Suze bite her lip again, this time she was trying to steady her trembling chin. "Well then, I'm sorry." She whispered. The way her voice splintered when she said sorry, broke my heart.
I watched her turn and start walking away.
Don't let her walk away again. My inner voice said. It sounded different than my usual inner voice, but I didn't have time to think about that. I needed the advice. Even if it was coming from my own head. Stop her. Tell her you'll work on it. She's worth it
I sighed. I know that, but I can't. I thought. She doesn't feel the same as I do. I'd be setting myself up for more pain.
That doesn't matter. Take the chance. Susannah's worth more than you know. And she does love you. You just need to accept what she can give you. Is losing her better than only having half her heart?
I shook my head. It's too hard to love someone who's in love with someone else.
Love is not easy. Just stop her! My inner voice yelled at me.
"Suze." I called.
She stopped walking and turned to face me. Even from where she was standing, about ten feet away from me, I could see the hope shining in her eyes.
I took long strides toward her. When I reached her I grabbed her face between my hands. "I couldn't let you walk away from me. Not again." I whispered and then I kissed her.
I poured everything into that kiss.
All my confusion.
Passion.
Lust.
Love.
And apologies.
Suze stayed frozen against me. It wasn't until my thumbs started to rub across her cheeks that she started to respond.
She sighed and kissed back.
Matching confusion for confusion.
Passion for passion.
Lust for lust.
Love for love.
And apologies for apologies.
It was in that moment, that kiss, that I realized that Suze does love me. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't help but smile and deepen the kiss.
And Suze accepted it eagerly. Normally I would've thought that it was lust, but I could feel the difference.
She loved me.
I loved her.
We could get through it.
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Suze POV
"I couldn't let you walk away from me. Not again." Julian said and then he kissed me.
I could feel everything in that kiss and it gave me hope.
I could feel his confusion and how sorry he was, along with his lust. I could also feel … love?
Yeah, I think that's what it was.
I could feel every ounce of love Julian was feeling.
It was so much that it made me freeze and I felt tears build up behind my eyes lids. It wouldn't have been more perfect of Julian had actually told me he loved me.
Julian loves me.
Me!
I still couldn't move or respond to him, no matter how bad I wanted too. I was a little busy reveling in the kiss. I wasn't aware that I still hadn't moved until I felt Julian rubbing his thumbs across my cheeks.
And I melted.
I melted right into Julian's kiss. I put everything I felt in Julian's kiss back into mine. He needed to feel the same thing I was feeling.
Once I finally responded I felt Julian smile and he deepened the kiss.
His tongue slid across my bottom lip. I parted my lips and Julian's tongue slipped into my mouth. I let out a soft moan as his tongue explored my mouth.
As our tongues entwined, Julian's hands left my face. They ghosted down my sides until he reached my waist. He wrapped both of his arms around me and held me close to him. I let my arms snake around Julian's neck.
I couldn't help but notice that this kiss wasn't as … lustful as the one we shared by the Land Rover. Not that I minded the lustful and wild kissed, but there's something to be said about the slow, sensual kisses. And that something is … that … their awesome.
Now, I'm not usually one to make out in a parking lot, but the places don't seem to matter when I'm with Julian.
But at the moment my brain was still muddled with thoughts of who I wanted.
I know I've said it before but, well, I'll say it again. Julian. Jesse. Jesse. Julian.
I was far from un-confused about what I wanted. I know I felt strongly for Julian, I was so close to being in love with him. And I mean very close – like one more make out session on the hood of his car and I'd be done for.
I was supposed to be trying to sort my stuff out when we were kissing earlier, but at the time I just wanted Julian. And I really didn't want to talk. I knew we had to eventually but I wanted to prolong it.
Julian and I were still kissing, and it was distracting. It was alleviating some of my confusion, but not totally. It was making it easier to just say I wanted Julian, but I couldn't just forget about Jesse.
I was getting dizzy, due to not breathing regularly. I needed air, but I desperately needed Julian more.
I guess Julian sensed my need for air; either that or he needed it too, so he pulled away slowly. Not as abruptly as before. First he moved his tongue out of my mouth. And he started giving me soft sweet kisses.
For one second, when his lips left mine, and I was able to think, my mind flashed to Jesse.
Yes, it is completely wrong of me to be thinking about Jesse when Julian's still kissing me, I am aware of that.
I was wondering if Jesse could sense anything. God, I certainly hoped not. I think that would be a little awkward if Jesse ever came out again.
I can imagine explaining that to him: "Well you see Jesse, I'm sorta falling in love with the guys whose body you now live in. Oh … you know already? You felt us making out? Huh, well guess what? I'm in love with you too."
Why yes that would be a pleasant conversation. (Note the heavy sarcasm). That is definitely not a conversation I want to have.
Well aside from telling Jesse that I love him. I need to tell him, I mean he told me. But I'm not just going to say it because I feel obligated or anything. I really do love Jesse … and Julian.
See. See why I need to stop kissing Julian and start working things out?
My thought were brought back to Julian, and the fact that his lips were still on mine, by his teeth sinking into my bottom lip.
Damn, this boy sure does know to clear my thoughts. I thought.
And he certainly likes to bite my lips.
Then again, he seemed to like it when I bit his ear earlier. If him whispering 'fuck' when I did it was anything to go by.
When he said that I had to resist the urge to squeal like a little school girl. I had to resist the same urge when I pulled his hair and he groaned. I did, however, smile. Which he responded to by biting my lip.
He wrapped his arms tighter around my waist, pulling me flush against him.
And I couldn't help it. I giggled.
Julian pulled back slightly and looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I just smiled and captured his lips with mine again.
"Mmm." Julian moaned. "Do you have any idea how good it feels to kiss you?" He whispered against my lips. "How good it feels to have you against my body?"
"Tell me." I whispered to him. Whoa, where the hell did this boldness come from? Usually I'm a total ditz in front of a guy I like. Just like I was around Jesse, constantly babbling and speaking in a squeaky voice instead of a sexy voice.
Julian started kissing his way up my jaw, toward my ear. "It feels fucking amazing." He whispered.
I moaned when I heard him cuss. Is it extremely wrong, or weird, to be turned on by his cussing?
I didn't have time to ponder that as Julian trailed kisses from my ear, down to my neck. He placed hot, open mouthed kisses down one side of my neck, across my throat, and to the other side of my neck.
"Does it feel amazing for you too?" He whispered huskily against my neck.
It didn't slip my notice that his voice was dripping with lust and passion. And I had done that to him. I smiled on the inside.
"Yes." I breathed. I slid my hands into his hair and tugged, pulling him closer to my neck.
Julian groaned again. I felt it reverberate through his body and into mine. I whimpered at the feeling.
He began kissing and sucking on my neck. My knees were getting weaker with each kiss. I was thankful that Julian was still holding me; otherwise I probably would've fallen.
Julian moved his hands to each side of my waist. I felt his thumbs slip under the edge of my shirt. He caressed my skin, causing me to gasp.
He moved his lips to the sensitive spot on my neck, where my pulse point is. He bit down on it slightly. It caused me to moan loudly. His tongue flicked over the same spot and I let out a small squeak.
This guy was going to drive me crazy.
"Fuck, Suze. Your skin tastes so good." Julian said against my neck.
When he spoke it caused my stomach to flutter and coil at the same time.
"Mmm, Julian." I whispered as he kissed his way down toward my collarbone.
So this was what was going through my mind as Julian was kissing me.
Parking lot. We're in a parking lot.
Julian's lips are awesome.
We're in a parking lot.
Julian's hand are on my hips now.
We're in a parking lot.
Holy hell, did he just bite my collarbone?
We're in a parking lot.
How did my back end up against the wall?
We're in a parking lot.
Why are his hands on the back of my thighs?
We're in a …
It was at that point that my feet were no longer on the ground. Julian had lifted me up. With a gasping moan I wrapped my legs around his waist.
Yes, I know that it's not like me to be doing this, but if a hot guy is kissing you are you really going to stick to your usual behavior? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Another thing I should point out was that Julian was … well let's just say that he was … enjoying this as much as I was. And the little school girl in my head was jumping around and doing flips, just like my stomach was.
Who knew I could do that to a guy? I sure didn't.
I probably should've been freaked out, but I wasn't. I should've told Julian to stop and put me down, but I didn't want to.
Julian kissed back up to my lips and then our lips were attached to each other's again.
Okay, I'm not sure if it happens to everyone, but the second Julian's lips met mine again every single logical thought flew out of my mind and my body took over.
That seems to happen a lot when I'm around Julian. I can never think straight.
Then again, who would be thinking at all when they are practically attached to the hottest living guy ever?
Now I couldn't really help what happened next. It was sort of an involuntary reaction. I moved my body against Julian's, causing both of us to moan into the other's mouth.
Since we both liked how that felt I decided to do it again. I did and it elicited the same reaction from me, from Julian it was half moan – half groan.
I was about to do it again when I heard four words that killed whatever mood/haze Julian and I were in.
"You are so busted."
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A/N: Oooh, they just got caught.
OK so, longest chapter for this Fic ever! *squeals like a little school girl* HA HA. I'm going to try and make all the chapters this long, as an apology for taking too long to post.
Alright, maybe this chapter was a little pointless, but it is their first step toward fixing their relationship. I know it seems like they're just lusting after one another, they're not. Okay? Their relationship will get more depth, promise.
Next chapter will have another brief fight (thanks to Dopey's big mouth), an apology, another kiss, and … wait for it … JESSE!
Oh wait one more thing … there was a little something different in this chapter. Did you catch it? Tell me in a review and I'll let you know if you got it right.
Why yes I am shamelessly asking for reviews.
Review and Julian will come and bite your lips.
