The Scientist in the Girl and the Girl in the Scientist
Sorry for the delay! I literally JUST moved to China. As in, a week ago. So things are crazy hectic at the moment. But I wanted to get another little chapter in. I know this story is really depressing and I have no idea what I am writing it but it was just in my head. I will work to update some of the others this weekend.
Let me know what you think. As always; nothing is mine. Read and Review!
The nights were cooler now. Even with the heating on the air held a chill. The house felt too large. Too empty. Perhaps it was their loss that created that chill. Was it because she was gone that the house echoed the way it did? Was that the cause of the eerie noises that filled the night? Or was it all in his mind? Was his grief causing him to find things that weren't really there? It was hard to tell.
Booth gazed at his daughter as she tangled in the sheets. She was asleep – finally – and he could see her pain as she slumbered. She was so small. Such a tiny waif of a thing. And now, at five years old, she had no mother. Booth felt like he'd failed her. He remembered Temperance's hesitancy at trusting him, at believing that he wouldn't leave her. When they'd had Lola he had sworn that their daughter would grow up with both her parents. He'd promised it. He'd made Bones shed her armour and let Temperance trust again. And now she was gone. As illogical as it was, he blamed himself. If he'd done something, anything, different that day maybe she would still be alive. Maybe the bullet would have merely grazed her or gone clean through her shoulder instead of puncturing her lung. If he hadn't caught that red light maybe he'd have been there to take the bullet instead. Maybe if she hadn't turned to answer Hodgins' question she would have made it clear across the road and the bullet would have hit the wall behind where she'd been standing instead. But Booth knew, as Brennan had so often said, there were too many variables. He could spend his life trying to imagine exactly what he could have done differently to change the outcome of that day and would never change the cold hard fact that Temperance Brennan, his wife, was dead. The thought stung, but like a child picking scabs, Booth was determined to desensitise himself to the fact. He had to. If he wanted to survive this he had to close off his heart.
Lola rolled over in her sleep and let out a sigh. Booth's eyes fell again to his daughter. She was a carbon copy of her mother. Temperance had always said that she looked like him, but Booth never saw it. Her eyes, her hair, her features – they were all Temperance. The only part of Booth in that little girl was her smile. She had inherited his charm smile, his ability to win people over. Since the day she'd been born she'd been able to win Booth over with the simplest cock of her lips. But her entire personality was Bones. She was a mini Bones. And he loved her for it.
He brushed a strand of hair back off her face and tried to curb his worry. She was due to start school soon. It had been all she'd talked about for months. Bones had been excited too. Lola was smart for her age, which was of little surprise seeing as she was her mother's daughter. And Lola was often in the lab, although Booth saw to it that she was shielded from much of the death and gore. But she'd had her fair share of tuition. Hodgins conducted all kinds of mad scientist experiments with her, Angela taught her art, Brennan would forever go over the names of bones, tribes, countries. And Lola lapped it all up. She was a sponge. Booth would joke that he never got to see his daughter she spent so much time at the Jeffersonian. Used to joke. He couldn't even form the word "squintern-ette" anymore.
And now he was facing raising their child alone. He didn't know if he was going to be enough for Lola. She needed her mother. He wasn't anywhere near as smart as Bones. He couldn't teach her all the things Temperance could. He worried that this would damage her. Despite Sweets' assurances that children deal with death remarkably well Booth didn't think that a five year old would just bounce back from the death of her mother.
Rubbing his weary eyes Booth heard a knock at the door. Carefully climbing out of bed so as not to wake Lola he went to answer it.
"Jared," he tried not to sound surprised. He hadn't seen his brother in several months. Jared had been travelling across America with Padma.
"I heard," Jared said solemnly, entering and hugging his brother. There were tears in his eyes. Booth felt himself falling apart the second his brother held him. Hot tears forced their way out of his eyes and deep sobs wracked his body. He felt shattered.
Jared held him tightly, his own tears falling. He couldn't comprehend his brother's pain. He tried to imagine losing Padma and just couldn't. It was beyond him to imagine life without her. And he knew how close to Temperance Seeley was. And their daughter. Poor Lola. Jared hugged his brother, trying to shoulder some of his pain.
"She's gone," Booth sobbed. The words were still so painful to say.
"I know." Jared pulled away, steering his brother to the living room. He glanced around. "Where's Lola?"
"She's in my bed. I finally got her to sleep." Booth tried to get control of himself. Jared nodded and pushed Booth to sit.
"Want a beer?" He didn't wait for a response. He went to the fridge and pulled out two beers. Taking them back he sat next to his brother, handing one over. Both Booth brothers brought their beer to their lips, mirroring one another. Booth's tears still spilled down his cheeks, his memory flashing to all the times he'd shared a beer with Bones after a case. Jared, too, was remembering Temperance. It was bittersweet. He felt awful that he hadn't seen his brother, or spoken to him, in months. It took his wife's death to bring him to his brother's side.
It had been Angela who had finally managed to contact him. It had shocked him to the core, to hear of Tempe's death. The last thing he'd ever expected was for her to be shot. Jared didn't know why, knowing his brother and sister in law's profession, but Tempe just wasn't someone you could imagine dead. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He had flown back immediately, leaving Padma in a hotel in Arizona. She was going to fly over on the next flight. He wanted to be with his brother. He wanted to support him. And he wanted to be there for his niece.
"How long are you here for?" Booth finally asked. He was glad his brother was here now, but wanted to know if it was temporary or if he was planning to stay. It wasn't a good time for people to be coming and going from Lola's life. She needed some stability.
"I'm here for as long as you want me." Jared told him, firmly.
Booth nodded, pleased.
"Good." He gestured to the couch, the house in general. "You can crash here for as long as you like. We have a guest room. Is Padma coming?" Booth was still foggy. His brain wasn't moving too fast these days.
"She's going to get the next flight from Arizona. But she's going to go back to our apartment. I'll stay here for a couple of days. I want to see Lola. And I think you need some help, big brother. You look like hell." Jared tried to smile but it just wasn't in his heart.
"I feel like hell." Booth admitted, wiping his face. He was so damn tired.
"How are you doing? Really?" Jared leant forward, his bottle resting on his knee. He glanced up at his brother. It felt strange seeing Seeley this way. He'd always been the strong one. Now he looked exhausted. Broken. He was haggard and there was so much sadness around him the Jarred hardly recognised his usually effervescent brother. Jarred had known for a long time that Tempe brought out the best in his brother. Before her Seeley had been a gambler, a drinker, and unstable. She'd brought out the stable, protective side of him. He'd never seen his brother so settled as he'd been with Tempe.
"Not too good." Booth managed. His throat felt tight and his eyes burnt with unshed tears. "I just cant believe she is really gone, you know? Every morning I wake up and expect her to be lying there." He swallowed. "I don't know if Lola really understands. She says she does, but how am I supposed to explain to a five year old that she wont see her mum again? I cant do that."
"Lola's smart. Like her mum. I think you just have to trust her." Jarred smiled a little, thinking of his niece.
"I know. Its more that I'm not ready to admit it. Makes it too real. And she has school soon. And there is so much to do. You have to think about college so young these days. Parker was easy, compared to all this. I never worried the way I do with Lola. She's so smart. I don't know how I'm going to keep up. I don't want her to miss anything." His voice was rising with panic. Jarred put his hand on his brother's shoulder.
"She isn't gonna miss anything. There are all these people that care about her, Seeley. I don't think you need to worry about her at all. I'm more worried about you. How are we going to get you through this?"
"I don't know…" Booth stared at his brother for a long time. "I don't know."
Jarred looked at his brother, feeling his helplessness. How do you save someone who is drowning?
"Uncle Jarred?"
Both men looked up at the soft voice in the doorway. Lola was standing there, dishevelled and watching them.
"Hey gorgeous!" Jarred sprung to his feet and swept the little girl into his arms. He planted a kiss on the top of her head and turned away so she couldn't see her dad. Booth appreciated the time to gather himself. He didn't want Lola to see him such a mess. He put his beer aside and wiped his face, controlling his tears. This was his little girl. She was a miracle. And he was going to do his best to be strong for her.
"When did you get here?" Lola was asking.
"I just did. Now what are you doing out of bed?" Jarred lifted her high above him, causing a squeal of delight to break free. Lola giggled and held on tight.
"I couldn't sleep. I woke up and daddy wasn't there."
"Why aren't you in your own bed missy?" Jarred navigated the hallway towards his brother's bedroom.
"Daddy needed company." The little girl stated solemnly. Jarred nodded slowly. Then, to lighten the suddenly sombre mood, he dropped her onto the mattress with a bounce. Lola laughed loudly and tried to squirm away as Jarred bundled her up in the blankets.
"To sleep baby," he scolded, laughing. Lola let him swaddle her. Booth entered the room, watching his daughter and his brother mess around. He loved hearing her laugh.
"Will you stay here tonight?"
"I sure will. But you have to go to sleep, ok?"
"Alright."
Lola lay back against the pillows. She gestured for Jarred to join her. He kicked off his shoes and threw a grin at Booth before laying back on the bed, resting against the headboard. Lola reached out her arms for her dad. Booth moved to her quickly and climbed onto the bed. He watched his baby fall asleep and felt the first bit of peace he'd felt in a long time.
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