AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Todd did a doubletake, seeing Marty standing there in the doorway as she asked to come in. John had been in the kitchen, finishing up with Todd's sandwich when he too had heard Marty's voice. Not even bothering to wash his hands yet again, he hurried into the livingroom as he carried the plate with Todd's sandwich on it. "Marty?" he said with surprise as he handed the plate to Todd.

"Thanks," Todd said with a grin, hungrily accepting the sandwich. He couldn't wait to sink his teeth into the yummy prize.

"Hey, John," said Marty. "May we come in?"

"Sure," John said as he moved aside to let Marty and Patrick enter the apartment. He gestured over toward the living room furniture, offering his guests a place where they might sit down.

"So, what brings you back to Llanview?" John asked after everyone had been seated.

"Yeah... and who's the headless guy?" wondered Todd as he got ready to raise his sandwich up toward his lips.

"Actually, I'm here to help Todd," Marty answered. "I heard he's been looking for the disc and that Irene has been theatening to hurt his family if she isn't given possession of it."

Then to answer Todd's question, Marty looked over at Patrick. "I know this is hard to believe, but this is Patrick. Irene kept him captive in her Lab of Horrors for nearly a decade, and this is how he escaped. I'm afraid however that he's now headless."

"We can see that," John said, marvelling over the fact that Marty's husband was minus his head. "It looks like Irene really did a number on him."

"She did. And somewhere in her secret lab, we suspect she still has his head, preserved in some sort of frozen chamber. Maybe the information on this disc will not only keep Todd's family safe, but help Patrick as well, so we'll be able to recover his head," stated Marty as she handed over the disc to John.

Todd was in the process of scarfing down his sandwich, meat and mayo clinging to his lips. Marty couldn't help but be drawn to the sight as Todd always had a habit of eating like a savage. Todd took one more yummy bite, then swallowed. He could really use a beer right now but had forgotten to ask his good buddy John to bring him one from the kitchen.

Looking over at headless Patrick, Todd wasn't impressed. "Patrick, huh?" Todd said with a shrug. "Well, I can honestly say I like him better this way. Now I don't have to stare at his ugly mug with all that punk-rock wannabe hair. And I certainly don't miss his annoying Irish brogue either. 'Oooo me lucky charms,'" Todd mocked, considering the sight of Patrick Thornhart always reminded him of that fateful moment he had found his wife Blair sandwiched between Thornhart and the living room floor just after Todd's return from Ireland all those years ago. And it had been Thornhart's fault in the first place that he and Blair had been separated as Todd had been shot in the back doing a favor for Patrick at Marty's request.

"Gotten anyone's wife pregnant lately?" Todd sneered to Patrick.

Patrick responded by extending his middle finger out to Todd. Marty looked at the two of them, horrified. "Todd, this isn't helping," Marty said as she reached for Patrick's hand, lightly squeezing his finger to chastise him as she hindered his obscene gesture.

"Nice to finally meet you, Patrick," John said as he shook the other man's hand. Withdrawing his hand from John's, Patrick could feel some sort of sticky residue clinging to his fingers.

Looking at the disc, John thanked Marty. "I'm sure we can use this to help keep Todd's family safe from Irene. We'll hand it over to her, but not before we obtain the necessary information from it that could possibly help Patrick," John promised.

"Yes, if you haven't heard, my evil bitch of a so-called mother already planted a bomb in an attempt to hurt my family all because she wanted a microchip she insisted I hand over to her," Todd said to Marty. "Even when I did find the microchip and gave it to her, Mommy Dearest still wasn't satisfied. She doesn't care who she kills, even if it's her own grandchildren. She probably would have done more damage, but Tina's little dog bit her leg, and she ran off somewhere and hasn't been seen since."

"She's injured now, but we know she will be back," spoke John. "No one in Llanview is safe. She's especially dangerous to small animals and defenseless children."

"She sounds just awful," Marty agreed as she pulled a wicked-looking kitchen knife from her purse. "If I see her, I'll stab her with this. I have been known for doing a great deal of damage with one of these babies."

Todd smirked. "A woman after my own heart," he said softly. He was still in awe of the fact that Marty had lost it a few months ago, dicing and slicing Kelly Cramer and her own psychiatrist. But most of all, he'd like to commend her for throwing his niece Natalie from the top of this very building, Angel's Square. Too bad Natalie had landed on her jumbos, breaking her fall.

"Marty, put the knife away. Myself and several other lame police officers will handle Irene," John told her. "Why don't you and Patrick get yourself a room at the Palace Hotel, and we'll be in touch?"

"Come on, Patrick," Marty said, as she stood and got ready to leave.

"Don't be a stranger," said Todd, giving Marty a little wink. He was totally flirting with her despite the fact that her headless husband was right there and catching on to Todd's not-so-subtle innuendos.

"Where are you staying, Todd?" Marty asked as John walked she and Patrick over to the door.

"Vicki's, but I spend most of my time over here at John's," Todd said as he wrapped an arm around John. "Me and John are bestest buddies."

John didn't know whether to laugh or cry as Todd practically hugged him right in front of Marty while looking at him with abundant adoration. "I'm glad you've finally made a friend, Todd," Marty told him sincerely.

"He makes the best sandwiches," Todd remarked as he grinned at John.

"I bet he does," said Marty as she held Patrick's hand and walked out the door.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Cutter Wentworth arrived back at the motel carrying his little friend, the stuffed porcupine named Morris. He walked into his room and placed Morris back down on his stand. "Kim's such a bitch for throwing you away. She doesn't know a real gem when she sees it, but don't worry, Morris. Daddy will protect you, and you're going to be safe here from now on," Cutter promised the porcupine.

Aubrey walked out of the bathroom, totally naked and looking as whorish as ever. "Talking to yourself, Cutter?" Aubrey asked him. "Or were you trying to coax your itty-bitty penis out of it's shell again?"

"Very funny," Cutter said dryly, gazing over at his sluttish girlfriend.

Just then, Aubrey saw that butt-ugly porcupine sitting on it's stand once again. "I thought Kim got rid of that nasty-looking thing," she said in a bitchy voice.

"Shut up. He's my baby," Cutter said defensively, hugging Morris affectionately.

"You have some sort of weird, fucked-up obsession with that thing. You talk to it like it's alive. Probably next you'll be fucking the damn thing."

Cutter covered Morris's delicate little ears. "Don't talk about him that way. He has feelings, too!"

"You really need some help, Cutter. Too bad Marty Saybrooke wasn't still around to give you some of her own special therapy," Aubrey chuckled as she walked over to the dresser and began searching through the drawers for something sexy she could wear.

"When are you leaving, Aubrey? Morris and I need some time alone..."

Aubrey just rolled her eyes, pulling a dress over her head. She didn't even bother to put on any panties. She seldom wore panties; she was such a slut. "Sure, you and your little stuffed critter have some fun. I'll be back later. I'm going out looking for some new meat," she said, grabbing her purse. A moment later, she was out the door.

"Alone at last," Cutter said to the porcupine. "So, what would you like to talk about?"

~*La Boulie*~

Dorian, David, and the family had just returned from McDonalds. "What would you like to do today?" David asked his beautiful wife.

"We want to play in the pool, Daddy," little Davey spoke up with his twin right beside him.

"Please, Daddy... Puhhhhhh-leassssssse," Dorie whined.

"Well, okay. Everyone go put on your swimming suits," David gave in.

After all the kids had headed upstairs like a herd of elephants, David smirked at Dorian. "You go put on your suit too, sexy," he said to her.

"Okay, David, but you better keep your hands off me. Remember, there are children present," Dorian said to him in a sultry voice.

"It will be hard," David responded as he glanced down toward his growing erection.

"David, behave yourself!" Dorian warned, giving his ass a sharp slap.

"Owww!" David cried out, rubbing his sore ass. Dorian was always spanking him. "I'm gonna have bruises."

"Don't worry, sexy. I'll kiss them later," Dorian promised before heading upstairs to put on her swimming suit.

"Wooo hooo!" David cried out as he ran after her.

~*Fifteen Minutes Later*~

Dorian, David, and the family walked outside to the pool area, eager to spend some time in the sun. Dorian carried a big bottle of sunscreen and told David to rub some on her. "My pleasure, darling," David said to her with a wink as the kids bounded over toward the pool. "We can't have the sun harming your delicate skin."

Dorian lay down on a towel, presenting David with her back so he could apply the sunscreen. David poured a huge glob of it right in the middle of Doran's back. "Ohhh David, you used too much!" she complained.

"The more for me to rub all over you, sexy," David remarked as he started to do just that.

Meanwhile, the kids were having a blast in the pool. Sam, Dorie, and Davey were passing a beach ball back and forth in the water. Jack and Starr were swimming and enjoying the sunshine. The weather was absolutely perfect for a swim.

Behind the hedges, someone was watching them. She stared at the children with an evil gleam in her eyes. "Which one shall I kill first?" the evil Irene plotted quietly.

Just then, Tina's little dog came out of nowhere and started humping Irene's leg. "Get off of me, you nasty little fucker!" Irene screamed, trying to shake the furry little creature off her leg.

"David, did you hear something?" Dorian asked.

"No, all I can hear is the kids," David responded as he continued to massage the sunscreen into Dorian's skin.

"Ohhh, no matter. Don't stop, David. That feels sooooooo good," Dorian encouraged him.

Upstairs, in the attic, Addie was cutting out paperdolls with her scissors. Humming to herself, she rocked back and forth in a wooden rocker. The woman was just at the edge of her sanity, ready to snap at any moment. Looking at the paperdolls she had just cut out, Addie began cutting all of their heads off with cruel snipping motions.

"They're all gonna die," she said with a cackle.