AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*John McBain's Apartment*~

Todd had just puked for the upteenth time. "Ohhh God, I don't feel so good," he groaned as he plopped himself down on John's couch with a thump.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" John asked, wrinkling his nose in disgust because Todd reeked of barf.

"I dunno. It must have been something I ate," Todd grumbled.

"You have been throwing up the past few mornings," John observed.

"I need a doctor," Todd said as he clutched his stomach.

Just then Marty walked in. "There's one now," said John as Marty came over to the couch, looking at Todd with concern. "What's wrong with Todd?" Marty asked as she noticed Todd appeared rather pale.

"I think he ate something bad," John answered with a shrug.

"It was that sandwich you made me. It made me sick," Todd complained.

Gently Marty placed her hand on Todd's forehead, checking for fever. "No temperature. But Todd, it may be food poisoning. We need to get you to a doctor right away."

"No doctor," Todd whimpered.

"Go to the doctor, man. I am tired of you puking all over the comode," John insisted.

"I'll go," Todd said to Marty. "But only if you go with me and hold my hand. I'm afraid of needles and men in little white coats."

"It'll be allright, Todd. I'll go with you," Marty promised.

John actually had to help Todd up from the couch because he was so dizzy. He grabbed Marty's hand as he feared he might pass out. "John, could you please drive us to the hospital?" Marty asked as she was helping Todd over toward the door.

"Sure," John agreed. He paused only a moment to spray some air freshner. The scent of pine soon filled the room, covering up the unpleasant odor of stale vomit.

"Much better," said John as he headed out the apartment with Marty and a very queasy Todd.

~*Llanview Stables*~

Patrick Thornhart had just arrived at Llanview Stables to see his dear friends, the spotted ponies. He had just purchased a sign language book at the bookstore downtown, and he was eager to start communicating with his horse-pals once again. He was standing in the stable beside the horse stalls when he suddenly realized the book was useless to him considering he couldn't see to read! It totally sucked being without a head. There were so many things he could not do! He couldn't cuss out Todd Manning. He couldn't talk to his horses. He couldn't even properly make love to his beautiful wife. He knew Marty missed all the pleasures he had once been able to give her. Would any woman truly love him, headless as he now was? Sadly, he walked up to his favorite horse and began to stroke it's mane.

In the past he might have told all his problems to Patches, but considering he had no head, he was left unable to communicate with the beloved creatures. Why hadn't John McBain located his head yet? And why was Marty spending all her time with her exs, Todd and John? Marty was over at John's constantly. In fact, she was probably over there at that very moment. *What do Todd and John got that I don't have?* Patrick thought.

*A head!* The answer was obvious. Marty wanted a REAL man. Someone whole and complete. And ever since he had escaped Irene's Lab of Horrors and had returned to Marty's life minus his head, their relationship had been inadequate. Marty was slipping away from him; Patrick was sure of it. He needed his head back... and FAST.

~*The Minute-Man Motel*~

Across town, Cutter Wentworth was having a long conversation with his porcupine Morris, but as usual Morris wasn't answering him back. "Come on, Morris. Just open up your mouth and speak. I know you want to," Cutter coaxed the stuffed porcupine.

"Morris, PLEASE talk to me. Tell Daddy what you want to do today," Cutter pleaded.

The porcupine stared back at Cutter with unseeing eyes. Tears filled Cutter's eyes as all he wanted was for his beloved porcupine to come alive. Cutter wished for it with all his heart. "You just gotta be alive," Cutter said as his tears fell on the porcupine's little head.

"It's no use..." Cutter said sadly as he looked down at Morris. "We'll never have the father-son relationship I've always dreamed of..."

Just then, to Cutter's great surprise, the porcupine blinked.

"Morris, you're alive! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Cutter exclaimed. To him, a miracle had just occurred.

~*La Boulie*~

David and Dorian's twin children were playing in the pool house. Dorie had a box of matches in her hand. She and her brother laughed wickedly as they were setting fire to all of Sam's spiderman's action figures one by one. "Take that Spidey-Man... burned at the stake!" exclaimed Davey as his sister torched another one.

Soon there was a pile of half-burned action figures lying in front of them. "Davey, this has been fun, but I'm getting bored. What can we burn up now?" Dorie asked.

"I dunno. How about Daddy's underwear?" Davey suggested.

"Or the money in Mommy's safe," giggled Dorie mischieviously.

"Yeah, that would be FUN!" Davey said with a smirk. "Let's do it!"

The naughty twins stood up, ready to go inside to raid the safe. They were on their way out of the pool house when an evil lady showed up, along with her henchman. "Not so fast," she said, glaring at the children.

"Who are you?" Dorie asked her in a hateful voice.

"I'm here to kidnap you," she replied. "My name is Irene Manning."

"I've heard about you. My dad said you are mean ole bitch!" Davey exclaimed.

"Why you little whippersnapper! I'm taking you back to my lab, and I'll wash your mouth out with soap!" growled Irene as she grabbed Davey tight in her steely grip.

Her henchman, Agent Baker quickly took hold of Dorie. The little girl kicked and screamed, calling Agent Baker all sorts of horrible names. "These rotten little brats must be punished!" Irene said to Agent Baker as Davey bit her arm.

"You're a mean old witch!" Davey cried out as Irene and Agent Baker carried him and his struggling sister off toward a nearby van. The children were tossed in the back, and soon after the van had drove away.