AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is my comedy story which is loosely based off several characters from the hit soap One Life to Live.

Also, I'd like to note that I do not own ABC's One Life to Live or the characters and I will NOT be receiving any payment whatsoever for writing this story. It is intended for entertainment purposes only.

~*Llanview Hospital*~

John peeked his head into Todd's hospital room. "Is everything alright in here?" he questioned.

"No! Everything's not alright!" Todd called out almost hysterically. "I am pregnant!"

"What are you talking about?" John asked with confusion as he walked across the room and saw Kyle performing the ultrasound. To John's surprise, he was actually able to make out the shape of a small baby upon the screen.

"What the hell? He's really pregnant?" John gasped as he stared at Dr. Lewis.

"It would appear that he is," replied Dr. Lewis.

"How is that even possible?" muttered John.

"Irene must have altered Todd's DNA and changed his body structure to make this pregnancy possible," Marty explained. "Dr. Lewis is going to perform further tests, but it would appear that the baby is developing normally."

John just shook his head, staring at Todd in disbelief. "Who got you pregnant?" he demanded.

"That's what I'd like to know. I haven't had sex in over EIGHT years!" Todd exclaimed.

"How can he be pregnant without having sex?" John asked Dr. Lewis.

"I'm not sure about that. I would think he would have had to have come into contact with sperm..." responded Dr. Lewis. Todd looked horrified when he heard Dr. Lewis's words.

"Ohhh shit," John said under his breath, suddenly turning away with a strange expression on his face.

"John, what's wrong?" Marty asked.

"He did come into contact with sperm," John spoke softly.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Todd demanded.

"MY sperm," John responded. "When I made the sandwich..."

"I had been in the bathroom, you know... doing my thing... and I made your sandwich right afterwards without...washing my hands," John admitted.

"You did WHAT?" Todd screeched. "When I told you to add your special sauce, I didn't mean THAT!"

"Well, it's your fault for barging into my apartment when I was ... you know, fondling my meat!" John exclaimed.

Todd looked at Marty, shocked as hell by the new development. "John made me pregnant," he murmured.

"It would seem so," remarked Dr. Lewis. "Congratulations John, you are going to be a father."

John didn't say much, but his face had turned white as sheet. "You can bet I'm going to be asking a lot in child support," muttered Todd.

"That's just great," John responded as suddenly a call came through on his cell phone.

"Excuse me, while I answer that..." spoke John as he walked away to take the call.

"Can you believe him, Marty? He knocks me up, and he doesn't even give me the time of day!" Todd said as Marty was helping him up off the exam table so he could go get dressed.

John had just received word that Dorian and David's twin children had been kidnapped, and Irene Manning had been spotted leaving the scene in a van.

"Hey, look... I gotta go," John said to Marty and Todd after he had ended his call. "That was the station."

"Your mother has struck again," John told Todd.

"You better catch her then. It's your fault and hers that I am pregnant," Todd remarked.

"When you find her, question her about Patrick's head," Marty reminded.

"Will do," said John before he left the hospital room.

"Go get dressed now, Todd," Marty told him. "I'll take you home, then I better get back to Patrick. He doesn't think much of all the time I have been spending with you."

"But Marty, I need you now... with this baby on the way..." Todd implored as she was helping him over toward the bathroom.

"Yes, I know. And I'll be here for you all I can. That's a promise."

~*Bobby Ford's Apartment*~

Morris the porcupine was wandering around Llanview, looking for his next victim. He had walked by the St. James Rectory, Buchanan Enterprises, and The Sun. Finally he reached an apartment building. The door was slightly ajar, so he rushed inside. He scampered up the stairs, looking for some poor unsuspecting person he might attack. "Morris, where are you?" he heard Cutter's voice calling out to him. Morris ran faster, trying to get away from the nut with the serial killer eyes.

Bobby, James, and Nate were just sitting down to have their dinner when they heard a strange noise right outside the door. "What was that?" Nate gasped.

"It sounded like some sort of animal going into heat," remarked James with a little smirk.

"If it's a girl, I'd like to fuck it," spoke Bobby as he rose from the table.

"You and me both..." stated Nate. "We can both have a turn with her."

Bobby opened the door, but didn't see anyone in the hallway. "That's strange," he spoke. He then looked down, seeing the porcupine hovering at his feet.

"Ohhh how cute. It's a little kitty!" he said, as he reached down to pet it.

Suddenly, Morris released several quills, injecting them into Bobby. All of them settled within Bobby's groin. "Ohhh it hurts! It hurts!" Bobby cried out, clutching his damaged package.

"What the fuck!" Nate exclaimed, joining Bobby in doorway as the porcupine snarled menacingly.

"That's no kitty!" yelled James as he saw the porcupine run past Bobby and Nate and jump up on the table.

"What the hell is that thing?" Nate gasped.

"I think it's an angry beaver," James said as he stared at it.

Morris didn't like to be called a beaver, so he jumped onto James's shoulder and bit off his earlobe. "Ohhh my God," cried out Nate when he saw all the blood.

In a matter of seconds, Morris had ripped into James's throat, killing him. Bobby was passed out on the floor from all of the pain. When Morris finished with James, he mutilated Bobby. Nate was cowering in the corner like a scared little girl. The blood-stained porcupine approached him. "No.. no... stay away from me," Nate screamed. His cries of agony could be heard echoing in the halls of the apartment building as Morris the porcupine brutally attacked him.

Moments later, Cutter Wentworth came upon the scene of the three murdered Ford brothers. He sat down at the table to have a bite to eat as he contemplated Morris's crimes. *What a naughty little boy,* he thought as he took a sip of his tea. *I wonder where he may have gone now...*

~*La Boulie*~

John McBain arrived at La Boulie to question David, Dorian, and Blair about the disappearance of the twins. "So, when was the last time you saw the kids?" John asked.

"Dorie and Davey were burning up Sam's action figures in the pool house when that nasty, old bitch just came into the yard and kidnapped my precious babies!" Dorian exclaimed.

"Please find our darling twins and save them from that horrible, wicked woman!" David said pathetically to John as he hid his face in Dorian's bosoms.

"I will do my best," said John. "But I also have a murdering porcupine out there... plus a man who is missing his head. Not to mention, I just got another man pregnant."

Blair raised one eyebrow slightly, looking at John. "Did you just say you got a man pregnant?" she asked.

"Yes, your ex-husband, Todd Manning," John answered. "My sperm must be mighty powerful."

Blair and John were standing there, talking about his sperm when Starr walked into the foyer. "Grandma Addie is missing," Starr stated, holding up a huge set of connecting paper dolls Addie had recently cut out with her scissors.

"I can't find her or her scissors anywhere!" Starr exclaimed.

"Alright, add a missing Addie Cramer and her scissors to my case load," John responded as he jotted something down into his notebook.

"I'm sorry, John," Blair said to him sympathetically. "Would it be alright if we talk about your sperm again?"

John just smirked at Blair as David was whimpering tearfully and blowing his nose onto Dorian's blouse.