Soul Calibur 3-1/2 The Book Zasalamel wished he didn't write

Disclaimer- I do not own Soul Calibur 3 or any of the characters that are in the game, this is my tribute to a great game. I paid good money for the game and I'm not making a cent from this.

At the end of Soul Calibur 3 Zasalamel succeeded in ending his curse and writing his latest book. What transpired after the events of Soul Calibur 3?

"Dear fellow readers I'am Zasalamel currently released from my curse of not dying permanently, see when you live forever, you can never retire and live the twilight of your years. So remember immortality on this mud ball isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean could you work for eternity no you wouldn't. Anyway after my victory over all the other strong souls and freaks (Voldo this means you) Soul Edge and Soul Calibur cancelled themselves out, yes even Cervantes kicked the bucket but I'll let him live for 30 more years and if he pes me off I'm re-incarnating him as a eunuch's testicles, well that aside now that the joy of life is restored and after my histories(take that I Claudius)became best sellers I'm so rich I'm 16th century counter part of Bill Gates. So I threw the only Soul Calibur after party. And I invited everyone yes everyone including Nightmare who now has his own soul and will eat normal food, but he's still a dck, anyway lets just say something went down at my pad, something so hideous to contemplate I have to start the story now".

Scene 1: Zasalamel's Mansion on some Mediterranean Island that will blow up sooner or later.

Zasalamel is currently licking envelopes to invitations and is sending them all over the world to the cast Soul Calibur 3. He calls his servant Miles.

Zasalamel: "Miles"!

Miles (typical old man butler with suit): "Myes Master".

Zasalamel: "I have the invitations to the party, make sure the couriers deliver them post haste and have all the guest rooms prepared and sound proof".

Miles: "Myes".

Zasalamel thinking (why can't the pompous git learn proper English).

2 weeks later every member of the Cast is arriving, Zasalamel's Mansion is done up pretty nicely, Chandeliers, the finest foods and minstrels, Zasalamel is dressed up in awhite suit going down to his ankles and is holding a staff resembling Kafziel. Miles is at the door greeting the first of the guest.

Miles: "Ahh the first of the masters guests have arrived".

Sophitia: "Hello good sir is this the mans"?

Miles: "Myes and you are Sophitia Alexandra"?

Sophitia: "I'am and these are my two children Pyrrha and Patryklos".

Miles: "Myes".

Sophitia: "And my husband Rothion".

Miles: "Well that's nice".

Cassandra: "And I'm Cassandra".

Miles: "Whatever, please show me the invitations and you may pass".

The Alexandra family passes through, the next guest arrives

Miles looking scared "Mmmyes are you invited".

Astaroth: "here's my invitation and stop wetting your pants, you look bad".

Miles: "Of course good sir and I see you have Lizardman's invitation as well"?

Astaroth: "Yeah he's parking the boat, Yo Lizard get your butt over here"!

Lizardman: "Shut up do you know how many pirates hang out here"?

Miles surprised: "He can talk"?

Lizardman: "Of course I can talk, do you think I'm stupid".

Astaroth: "You said it not me".

Lizardman: "Shut up man".

Astaroth: "Man! Ooh good come back".

Lizardman: "Yes, comeback"?

They go inside and the next guest arrives

Voldo: "Hssssssss"

Miles: "Ok the Lizard can talk and you can't"?

Voldo points to his mouth gag

Miles: "Fair enough go on ahead".

Next guest

Siegfried: "Hello is this the address to the party"?

Miles: "ahh finally somebody normal".

Siegfried: "I was once Nightmare".

Miles: "You're doing that to annoy me aren't you"?

Siegfried: "Yeah I know I'm remorseful but I'm not going to be angsty about it".

Miles: "Just get inside already"!

Next Raphael arrives with Amy

Miles: "Ahh welcome good sir, no let me guess you were once a vampire weren't you".

Raphael: "Oh for crying out loud you get sensitive skin go a bit pale and they call you a vampire".

Amy: "Daddy we did move to Translyvania, or approximately close to it".

Raphael: "Prejudice Amy, pred... You actually completed a sentence"?

Amy: ….

Raphael: "flukes happen".

As they go inside it only gets worse Miles

Nightmare: "Sup homie".

Miles: "Oh dear you're the worst yet".

Nightmare: "Bite me"!

Miles: "I mean your date what is she wearing"?

Tira: "You got a problem bladder boy"!

Nightmare: "Hey its hot and stop staring at my girlfriend, you're just lucky I'm not insane anymore".

Tira: "But I'am".

Miles is really scared as Nightmare and Tira go in.

Olcadan: "Yo"

Miles: "I'm sorry but no pets allowed".

Olcadan punches Miles in the face and goes in.

Ivy: "Alright peasant I can see you soiled yourself so I guess that means all the freaks are here".

Miles doesn't try and stop her

Miles: "Ahh hello er"?

Kilik: "Kilik".

Xianghua: "Xianghua".

Miles: "Please don't hit me".

Kilik and Xianghua go in trying not to touch Miles on the way.

Miles: "Ahh what on earth"?

Maxi: "Hi buddy".

Miles: "And they are"?

Maxi: "Beer kegs for the party".

Miles: "No"

Maxi: "Look don't be upset because you can't hold your beer (points to Miles soaked pants), or anything else for that matter.

Maxi and his Kegs go in Rock appears

Rock: "Don't say anything to anyone else its much quicker that way"

Rock enters after Miles nods

Hwang, Mina Yunseong and Talim show up in a carriage.

Yunseong: "Yo where's the audience"?

Miles: "This is not a High School Formal Sir".

Talim: "Oh look that man's penis is infected with evil I must purify it".

Yunseong: "Touch her and I will make you pee blood"!

Mina: "Couldn't you just use the wind to blow dry it"?

Miles scared of Yunseong "That would be preferable"!

Talim blows the wind and dries up the patch, as they go in Hwang whispers to Miles

Hwang: "That was pathetic no one is scared of Yunseong".

Cervantes shows up

Miles: "Oh dear I thought the worst was over".

Cervantes: "Over? I didn't know it started".

Miles: "M'yes that master has most peculiar friends".

Cervantes: "Friends, that mofo made my Soul Edge useless; I'm so taking him to court".

Cervantes goes in and Li Long arrives

Miles: "Sorry no hobo's"

Li Long: produces invitation and Falcon "Right smartass you can argue with this or this".

Li Long goes in and the final five guests arrive, Mitsurugi, Taki, Setsuka, Yoshimitsu and Arthur.

Miles: "Oh look a blonde Japanese man".

Arthur: "Got a problem pal everyone else does".

Taki: "Oh get over it Arthur you got us as friends and that's what counts".

Setsuka: "Why am I dating the Ninja".

Mitsurugi: "Because you tried to kill me for revenge when your master said not to. Then you and Taki got into the biggest Cat fight over me and I wasn't there despite the fact it was a draw I chose Taki because based on word count she and I had a better relationship".

Taki: "Mitsurugi half of what you said was p off and half of what you said was something to do with Soul Edge, how did we end up together"?

Yoshimitsu: "Because two male and female that hate each other so much, they secretly adore each other".

Mitsurugi: "Can't complain with that wisdom, so Yoshimitsu what are you going to do"?

Yoshimitsu: "Get Voldo drunk".

Mitsurugi: "Why"?

Yoshimitsu: "Ke he he Oh nothing worth noting".

Meanwhile as the five from Japan go inside, the Manjitou are using massive cranes to haul out all the loot from the Money Pit. All of them laughing "Ha ha he he" as they are carrying out their mission.

Scene 2

Now all the guests have arrived and chit chat is taking place as well eating the many appetizers like haggis, caviar, other weird royal food and chocolates galore. Drinks are being randomly served all-round as the guests begin to recognize each other.

Maxi: "KILIK"!

Kilik: "MAXI"!

They both hug and do secret hand shakes and whatever best mates do.

Xianghua: "Ahem remember me"!

Maxi: "Who"!

Xianghua goes red with rage

Maxi: "Just kidding kiddo, hey you're all grown up".

Xianghua: "And it gets better".

Maxi: "Kilik finally took the hint"? Looks at Kilik "What"?

Kilik: "Funny Maxi after all your attempts to get us to hook up".

Maxi: "Ahh memories".

Rock then spots Astaroth and Lizardman.

Rock: "You two"!

Lizardman: "Get over it Rock, that was so four years ago".

Rock: "You kidnapped Bangoo".

Astaroth: "Calm down man after all you kicked his ass, I mean if I'm made after you, you must kick ass".

Lizardman: "At least I didn't get killed hmmm, look Rock no hard feelings it was only business I so quit that job".

Astaroth: "And I destroyed the business so Bangoo is fine now come and have a coldy".

Rock: "Ok since Bangoo's fine and because you're not evil anymore".

Astaroth and Lizardman: "Nice"!

Astaroth: "For Bangoo, cheers"

Lizardman: "Cheers".

Rock: "For BANGOOOOOOOOO"!

Astaroth and Lizardman look at each other and decide its best to keep drinking.

Sophitia recognizes Taki

Sophitia: "Rothion look it's the woman who saved me, Oh Taki, Taki".

Taki: "Mitsurugi look its Sophitia, let's go over and say hi".

Mitsurugi: "who"?

Sophitia and Taki hug and kiss each other, Rothion looks at Taki and Mitsurugi looks at Sophitia.

Mitsurugi and Rothion: "Damn, no wonder everyone thought you were a lesbian"!

Sophitia and Taki still hugging: "What"?

Mitsurugi: "Oh you mean you never heard the rumours".

Rothion: "Yeah carried in the arms of another woman, got your family thinking you know, you're buttered the other side up".

Sophitia: "They went behind my back and told you that".

Taki: "And what's your excuse"?

Mitsurugi: "Well your always uptight so I figure you were"…

Taki: "A lesbian, look we never".

Mitsurugi: "Oh yeah,hey hubby boysince Sophitia is the nice virginal church goer you'd expect her to save herself until the honeymoon, anything suspicious"?

Rothion: "Yeah you didn't even at least flinch you mean you and her".

Mitsurugi: "You're still hugging by the way".

Sophitia and Taki quickly break the hug.

Rothion: "You were going to sneak out with her in the middle of the night".

Sophitia: "No Rothion it's just that the battle with Cervantes, I was restless and Taki removed the shards in such a way in my thigh, then we kissed".

Mitsurugi: "So the healing was more therapeutic than originally thought".

Sophitia: "Rothion I'm sorry, Taki was my, you know first time, but you are better".

Taki: "What, but you were mine and I'm being compared to a man"!

Mitsurugi: "I'd never compare you to a man; she just doesn't appreciate the way you show your love". He then puts an arm over her shoulder.

Taki: "You're so not getting laid tonight; I know right now you have the biggest hard on".

Mitsurugi: "Fine I'll just watch then"!

Rothion: "That's my wife you're talking about, have you no honour"?

Mitsurugi: "And you couldn't stop looking at my girlfriend's ti…er breasts, and your pants aren't as baggy as mine trident".

Rothion all embarrassed: "Oh yeah you only wear baggy pants because you have a lot to hide".

Mitsurugi: "Thanks it is a lot to hide".

Taki and Sophitia: "That's enough".

Taki: "I honestly thought this was the first time you wouldn't start a duel because some guy looked at my pillows".

Mitsurugi: "You had those pillows for the seven years I've known you and not once did I go easy on you, just to get in your pants I mean second skin".

Taki is fuming, Sophitia puts a hand on her shoulder and says: "Taki don't be mad that was actually sweet of him, he was honest and respects your skills all the same, considering what you've been through you're lucky".

Taki snoggs the heck out of Mitsurugi: "We'll you are getting laid tonight, no wait no your not". Looks at Sophitia.

Taki and Sophitia start whispering and giggling

Sophitia: "Boys me and Taki agreed its best to put the past behind us and also best not to let jealousy ruin a friendship, what I'm trying to say is".

Taki: "You can be the audience".

Mitsurugi and Rothion: "Sweetas"!

Taki: "But no touching".

Mitsurugi and Rothion pout.

Voldo and Li Long recognize Cervantes

Li Long: "Pirate I want a rematch"!

Cervantes: "Yeah sure after the par… Voldo what the hell happened to you".

Voldo: "HSSSSSSSS".

Li Long and Cervantes stare at each other and Yoshimitsu strolls over

Voldo: "HSSSSSS"!

Yoshimitsu: "Gentlemen this is not the time for fighting, this is the time for celebrating and what's the nest way to celebrate"?

Cervantes: "Drugs"?

Li Long: "I was going for drugs too".

Yoshimitsu: "Close but no, booze booze and alcohol".

Li Long: "You mean booze"?

Yoshimitsu: "Whatever".

Cervantes: "Alcohol's a drug".

Yoshimitsu: "Less talk more getting smashed".

They walk over to the bar and sit a few stools along Siegfried. Amy then notices Siegfried when she and Raphael approach. Valeria is the bartender.

Raphael: "Hello madam I would like to order whatever your finest wine". Looks over at Amy: "Ahh Amy".

Amy can't get her eyes off Siegfried

Siegfried: "And you are"?

Amy: "Amy".

Siegfried: "That's nice".

Amy: "I like you".

Siegfried: "Must be the hair".

Amy: "No I like you".

Siegfried: "The deep voice".

Amy: "I really like you, catch my drift".

Siegfried: "Yes your perfume is nice".

Raphael: "Alright sicko that's enough she's 16 alright".

Siegfried: "I never intended to".

Raphael: "I'm sure you didn't (sees Ivy), hello".

Ivy: "Hello my Lord".

Raphael: "I'am honoured my lady (kisses her hand)".

Ivy: "Charmed I'm sure, but I need to talk to Siegfried".

Raphael: "On the condition my lady I get the first dance later on".

Ivy: "It would be a pleasure".

Raphael: "T 'wood the pleasure, be mine".

Siegfried: "Wanker".

Ivy smiles and then looks at Siegfried: "Well I'm glad someone of class is here".

Siegfried: "He nearly turned a whole city into evil minions".

Ivy: "Well we can hardly judge him".

Siegfried: "I suppose not".

Ivy leaves him alone and Setsuka joins Siegfried. Setsuka pretends not to notice Siegfried.

Siegfried: "What's your problem"?

Setsuka: "Oh you're talking to me"?

Siegfried: "Yes little miss snob".

Setsuka: "Well excuse me look at me so mysterious and handsome".

Siegfried: "I know you're trying to pick me up".

Setsuka: "You my boy no, sorry".

Siegfried: "Listen woman I know you're only doing this to make your boyfriend jealous".

Setsuka: "Oh Yoshi, no this is only a one off".

Siegfried: "Well since he's pre occupied, tell me abit about yourself".

Setsuka: "Well lets see the other couple I came with, the man killed the only man I ever loved and I've hunted him for vengeance, killing racist Japanese would be rapists along the way because of my mixed heritage, only to give up on my quest, because vengeance solves nothing, beat that".

Siegfried: "I murdered my father in cold blood by accident and went on a demon possessed rampage on and off for seven years".

Setsuka: "Fine you win".

Siegfried: "It's not about winning, why don't we try to be nice then".

Setsuka: "Alright then, we'll try that, bartender more drinks".

Hwang and Yunsung are checking out the scenery and spot a lonely Arthur.

Yunseong: "Hey Hwang check it out".

Hwang: "A European in Japanese armour, yeah his names Arthur crossed blades with him quite good, for a guy who took on my whole ship".

Yunseong: "Took on all of you"?

Hwang: "Yeah Japanese hate foreigners, they looked like they were trying to get rid of him".

Yunseong: "Yeah well I'll challenge him".

Hwang thinking (This ought to be good).

Yunseong to Arthur: "Hey wannabe wanna take on Korea's finest".

Hwang coughing: "Bull".

Arthur: "Alright punk, take your best shot".

Yunseong goes for White storm and then suddenly gets struck by lightning. Yunseong's looks all frizzled (like his second player costume).

Nightmare after seeing Yunseong: " BWAHAHAHA"!

Hwang shakes his head: "Still a rookie".

Nightmare: "Hey that was good, now all you need to do is finish it with a song it'll be perfect".

Yunseong goes for Nightmare and gets hit again

Yunseong: "The pain"!

Talim rushes over to Yunseong: "Oh my poor Yunie"!

Nightmare: "Yunie hahaha now this is getting sad".

Hwang: "Getting? It already was".

Arthur: "He didn't read the invitation".

Seong Mina joins the conversation: "Because he's just a silly kid".

Yunseong: "What"?

Cassandra comes with Pyhrra and Patriklos: "It said genius that anyone who starts trouble gets trouble and speaking of trouble here it comes".

Tira: "Oh look Nightmare your former future hosts".

Nightmare: "Tira"?

Tira: "Yes"?

Nightmare: "NO"!

Tira: "Fine, anyway what happened to look at me I'm frying".

Nightmare: "That's what happens when you start a fight".

Tira: "Really? Hey stupid boy wanna go one on one"?

Yunseong: "Bite me under cleavage"!

Nightmare: "Ah crp here come the premature PMS, Do it Tira you'll end up like him".

Tira: "No I'll restrain myself (goes outside) FCK"!

Nightmare: "She's sexy when she gets mad".

Cassandra covers the children's ears.

More revelry takes place as Zasalamel prepares his welcoming speech.