Soul Calibur 3 and a half- The Book Zasalamel wished he didn't write.
The Disclaimer is in the first chapter go there and read it.
First I'd like to thank all the reviewers who took the time to read and comment on this story it really is encouraging to hear these words. Now let's get over the boring bit and on with the story.
Chapter 2 Begins now.
"Dear Readers, Zasalamel here again, loving my latest masterpiece, if not, not my fault you wasted your life. Some people don't know how precious something is until you lose it. Except your life, because your already dead. Forgive my morbid humour I still have a lot of things that I should have left with my previous lives. Well now we move on to the main event and no there is no matches scheduled. I've already seen to it that nothing gets broken, but with Nightmare, Astaroth, Mitsurugi and Maxi around I bet something will, something always does, bastards. Well enough of this it's time I got this party started".
Zasalamel is admiring himself in the mirror, thinking he's pretty hot. Miles approaches him.
Zasalamel: "Ahh Miles how go the proceedings"?
Miles: "They are going well enough, Master".
Zasalamel: "Excellent, wait do I smell urine".
Miles: "No Master".
Zasalamel: "Which one was it Miles".
Miles: "Astaroth Master".
Zasalamel: "He has that effect on people; poor guy doesn't have many friends".
Miles: "It's because he huge and looks like something that should be in a cage".
Zasalamel: "If I could I'd put more of them in a cage, now get ready to announce me, it is time for my welcoming speech".
Miles: "Don't you mean gloat Sir, hehe"?
Zasalamel: "Keep that up little man I'll be forced to put a collar around your throat and make you Astaroth's bitch".
Miles (holding his crotch scared out of his brain): "Mmmmmyes Master"!
Miles goes to the main hall where the party is taking place. Everyone is getting around and along well with each other (under pain of lightning). No one has gotten fried since Yunseong. The lights start to dim and everyone is confused.
Astaroth: "Lizard see anything"?
Lizardman: "Cats see in the dark mate".
Cassandra: "AAAAAAHHHH"!
Pyrrha and Patryklos: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"!
Nightmare and Siegfried: "Shut up everyone you're ruining the moment"!
Cassandra: "What moment"?
Cassandra gets no answer meanwhile Hualin and Lynette also get scared. They end up hugging the nearest guy who happens to be Maxi.
Maxi: "What the! You better be girls"?
Hualin: "It's just me".
Lynette: "(whimper)".
Maxi: "Nice party trick Zasalamel, Don't worry girls Daddy Maxi will look after you".
Lynette: "What"?
Maxi hugging them both: "What you seem to be enjoying it".
Hwang: "Hey Yunseong punch someone and get some light in here".
Yunseong: "Hey Hwang I know you like your girls manly and all, but would you mind removing you hands from my waste".
Lizardman: "Oooh you just got burned Hwang".
Yoshimitsu: "Don't forget the Mina burning".
Arthur: "Sorry Hwang but that was a good call".
Seong Mina: "Yunseong you're so getting the broom when we get back".
Mitsurugi: "Do you really get slapped around Yunseong"?
Yunseong: "Nah sweeping is all Granny is good at".
Nightmare: "HAAAAAA you're old"!
Tira: "Ahem"!
Nightmare: "Oh sorry".
Rothion: "What are they doing"?
Sophitia: "For my kids sake I hope the lights remain off".
Miles goes to announce Zasalamel but forgets to illuminate the room and ends up tripping over.
Astaroth: "Ahh someone tripped over, if there was light I'd point as well as laugh".
Miles (mumbles): "I swear I'll get the last laugh".
Raphael: "Will someone turn the lights on"?
Miles gets up as the room slowly illuminates and he begins.
Miles: "Ladies and Gentlemen may I introduce the greatest warrior prodigy of all time. The undisputed champion of the Tale of Souls and Swords. The Master of his own fighting discipline. The most handsome ravishing specimen of human flesh to ever cross the ages. The man with the world's biggest dick, what the"?
Ivy: "World's biggest EGO"!
All Soul Calibur Cast: "BWHAHAHAhaha"!
Miles after the laughter dies down: "Myes any way. He is the greatest bestseller of history and literature".
Taki: "The literature must be his exaggerated genetalia".
All Soul Calibur cast: "OOOOOOOH"!
Miles: "My exalted Lord and your host here tonight, crossing the timeline itself Zasalamelelelel"!
Pyrotechnics ascend the stairs and Zasalamel jumps from the floor as the explosions reach the top.
The lights have been fully restored and all eyes were on Zasalamel until curious members of the cast see Siegfried and Setsuka feeling each other up without realizing the lights are back.
Lizardman: "Hey Siegfired way to go son"!
Astaroth: "You rule dude"!
Maxi: "Hook in son"!
Cervantes: "Do it for your country"!
Rock: "Do it for Bangoo"!
Kilik: "Ok you really need to get out more".
Yoshimitsu: "Here's to you mate"! Raises a glass.
Ivy: "You got over her quick"?
Yoshimitsu: "I tried to tell them I already have a girlfriend but they didn't listen".
Ivy: "And what's her name"?
Yoshimitsu: "Kunimitsu(her mask is in the game I'm sure a lot of you have done it)"
Ivy: "Really Yoshimitsu, Kunimitsu are you brother and sister"?
Yoshimitsu: "I could so rob your mansion, you dominating whip carrying whore"!
Ivy: "Oh calm down just a harmless stab, so where is Kunimitsu"?
Yoshimitsu: "hehehehe".
Voldo: "HSSSS"! (Suspicious).
As stated in the previous chapter the Manjitou are looting the butt out of the money pit. And Kunimitsu is the one in charge of this delicate operation.
Manjitou1: "Diamonds".
Kunimitsu: "Check".
Manjitou2: "Stolen artifacts".
Kunimitsu: "Check".
Manjitou3: "Priceless archeological artifacts, that if destroyed would seriously tick off historians in the future".
Kunimitsu: "Yeah melt the muthas down, Check".
Manjitou4: "Lost city of Atlantis".
Kunimitsu: "Oooh nice one, you're so promoted, Check".
Manjitou5: "Ancient vintage we could all get pissed on".
Kunimitsu: "Ok put that in the non charity pile".
Manjitou5: "Why aren't we going to sell it"?
Kunimitsu: "No".
Manjitou5: "But we can't give away that".
Kunimitsu: "Whoever said anything about giving it away"?
Manjitou5: "Oh, I get it".
Kunimitsu(thinking): "I've got to talk to Yoshimitzi about his hiring policies, I mean we'll take anyone, good in the short term but come on".
Back at the Mansion.
Setsuka: "She calls you Yoshimitzi how cute".
Yoshimitsu is clearly in dream land and Voldo is still eyeing him suspiciously. Voldo then catches a glimpse of something horrible, he sees Tira and Nightmare making out on the bar and Nightmare has his helmet off. He actually looks a lot like Siegfried but with reddish spiky hair(much darker than Yunseong's) and a stronger chin, his arm is slowly turning human as well.
Cassandra: "Hey Voldo you're looking more pale than usual".
Li Long: "Yeah are you ok(sees Nightmare and Tira) Oh MY GOD"!
Sophitia: "In the name of Eros' arrows".
Rothion: "And Aphrodite's bosom".
Cassandra: "Avert you're eyes children".
As of now Sophitia's kids are stunned.
Phyrra: "Mommy what is aunt Tira doing"?
Sophitia: "WHAT"!
Patryklos: "Mommy where do babies come from"?
Sophitia(crying): "My poor babies they're growing up too fast"!
Maxi: "Dude get a room".
Rock: "Go Nightmare hit dat…"!
Xianghua: "Rock we do not applaud that, Got it"!
Talim: "I'd purify it but I'm scared".
Amy(crying about Siegfried) "Daddy"!
Raphael: "I know deary brings a tear to my eye as well".
Amy: "How could Siegfried dump me for her"!
Raphael: "Ah yes Siegfried, just keep crying don't look".
Yoshimitsu finally snaps out of his dream: "Seppuku sounds real good at this time".
Mitsurugi: "Ok me first".
Nightmare stops for a moment and looks up: "What"?
Tira: "Nightmare less talk more suck face", "NOW"!
Zasalamel: "If you two horny teens would like to get off my bar and divert your attention to me as you should I can get on welcoming you all".
All turn and look at Zasalamel with their full attention.
Zasalamel: "Thank you, and welcome to the first ever Soul Calibur after party. Here for the first time all the Souls who played a part in the greatest struggle or bitch session over a one eyed sword took place. You are here because out of all the fodder slain during this time, it was all of you who managed stand atop the pile of corpses no doubt many of you contributed to whether you wanted to or not. Tonight we celebrate the end of the madness and my immortality, also the end of our curses. Some of you were once complete monsters, or were just plain stupid, other were completely unworthy, some really just shouldn't have gotten involved at all, while others were too smart for their own good.
Nightmare(Interrupting): "BORING"!
Zasalamel: "And then there's the single biggest pain in the ass I've had deal with".
Olcadan: "Maybe you should stop dropping the soap in the tub"!
Much laughter is heard as Zasalamel is quickly losing patience.
Zasalamel: "I swear I'll stick herbs and bread crumbs where the sun don't shine and stick you in an oven and then I'll serve you to these fools! Any way many of you have had sanity restored and families have been mended. Because I'am a man of grace destroying Soul Edge and releasing you all like the saint I'am".
Cervantes: "My Ass look at my Soul Edge what have you done with it". Pulls out a dead weight of a useless sword that used to be the female Soul Edge.
Cassandra: "Yeah I heard you burnt down that mansion in Toledo and put me on the un-employment line".
Zasalamel: "Don't worry there's always the corner of the next sea port our disgruntled has been Pirate will visit next, on with my speech seeing as there are some people who are thankful for my actions I must thank a few people, well actually myself because really all you're stupid attempts to destroy the sword got you all in more trouble anyway. This get together pays tribute to the brave man who braved countless horrors and death, throughout the ages to vanquish a terrible evil and that man's name is Zasalamel".
Siegfried: "Oh Bulltwang"!
Arthur: "Get over yourself already"!
Taki: "You asshole you caused more trouble that you're worth"!
Seong Mina: "You broke that stone thingy at the temple".
Zasalamel: "Ok that's it I've had enough" Pulls a leaver.
While the rest of the Soul Calibur cast are shouting taunts the familiar sound of giant cog in a clock tower being dislodged and bouncing around can be heard. Suddenly the entire cast is running around like chickens with their heads chopped off. The biggest cog imaginable appears and goes through the cast, turns out it was all an illusion and Zasalamel is in hysterics.
The cast recover and are incredibly mad from the prank that used their new phobia of giant cogs against them. Zasalamel can barely contain himself. However only one member of the cast wasn't affected and that member was Nightmare who is now standing directly next to the laughing Zasalamel.
Zasalamel(laughing): "Oh I wish I could capture that moment, the looks on you're faces are priceless.(Sees Nightmare) What do you want this is my speech"?
Nightmare: "Hi Zas, ah yeah I got to make an announcement".
Zasalamel: "It can wait".
Nightmare: "No it can't".
Zasalamel: "Why"?
Nightmare: "Because I wanted to do this when everyone was here, because I've been such a prick there like the only friends I got".
Zasalamel: "Whisper it to me".
Nightmare whispers in Zasalamel's ear, Zasalamel is disgusted by the request.
Zasalamel: "You have to be kidding me; there is no way, that's just sick".
Nightmare: (pouts)
Zasalamel: "That isn't going to work, but I won't refuse you're request I suppose it is appropriate considering the occasion".
Nightmare: "Sweet (turns to the rest of the frightened cast) Yo everybody shut up"!
Everyone turns around and gives Nightmare their full attention.
Nightmare: "Nice well people first of all I have to thank Zas for putting on a King party, but beside that I have an announcement to make, is it an announcement Zas"?
Zasalamel: "Not really but get on with it".
Nightmare: "Ok well, Tira I need you up here as well".
Tira confused goes up to Nightmare as Nightmare continues.
Nightmare: "Tira you are the greatest thing that ever happened to me since Siegfried Schauffen, who I consider to be my greatest host and was the template that Zas used for my killer body. Sorry Cervantes but you were too independent with that not being controlled and all (Cervantes nods). Anyway ever since I saw that psychotic glint in your eye and your wild mood swings I new I had to feed on your soul. Then Zas showed up and shit hit the fan and I'm human".
Raphael: "Or a close approximation"! (Gets a few laughs but nothing to roll on the floor about).
Nightmare: "That's alright Raph I owned you twice anyway. Tira when I became human I saw the human side of you. And I thought you are one sexy bitch. Then we continued our adventures, who could forget when we gate crashed the Prince of Wales bachelor's party. Or when we went to Spain and closed the gates in the running of the bulls".
Tira: "Those guys were so sore, their tushies all red when they had nowhere to run".
Nightmare: "And when we graffitied the Great wall of China, man were the Ming pissed, the Mongols had a good laugh though. And who can remember when we burned the King's guards hat's in England and they still had to stand there, blasted rain spoiled everything, anyway Tira close your eyes".
Tira closes her eyes and Nightmare gets down on one knee.
Nightmare: "Tira open your eyes".
Tira opens her eyes stunned to see a ring with a diamond set in it sparkling in the light. Tira's eyes glow and all the pain of her childhood and the bird of passage seemed to go away. She had realized the void that consumed her was filled, ever since hearing of the Azure Knight's legend she realized what it was they shared. And since Nightmare became saner so did she, cruel pranks were more fun than killing anyway.
Nightmare: "Tira will you marry me"!
Tira: "Yes oh gosh, yes, yes, yes"!
Nightmare and Tira simultaneously: "I love you"! Tira jumps into Nightmare's arms as they share a passionate kiss. Everyone else is horrified.
Sophitia: "Oh Rothion I'm so happy for them".
Zasalamel: "Ok everybody to the bar quickly"!
Miles: "You're not going to toast them sir"?
Zasalamel: "No I want to forget just what happened".
