Soul Calibur 3 and a half The Book Zasalamel wished he didn't write Chapter 3
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Disclaimer
Ok you legal Nazis the disclaimer is in the first chapter so go there.
Chapter 3
"Dear Readers King Zasalamel here yet again, well I promised you all something hideous and it happened. For those with a weak stomach don't say I didn't warn you because I did, didn't I. Nightmare proposes to Tira and she accepts. If I wasn't such a dedicated writer I'd vomit all over this page and seek counseling. Because lets face it wouldn't you. Come on imagine the children they'd have I for see a ghoulish grey looking creature with big yellow eyes addicted to raw fish and has a strange gold ring fetish. Oh wait Tolkien already thought that up. But you get the idea they'll have some ugly, ugly children, not to mention dumb".
Zasalamel and all the other Soul Calibur males are begging for more booze after what had just transpired. Finally Raphael speaks up.
Raphael: "Wait, why are we binge drinking like this"?
Zasalamel: "Because Nightmare proposed to Tira"!
Yoshimitsu: "Really I thought getting totally of your face was a fun idea".
Mitsurugi: "I was thinking along the same lines".
Yunseong: "And me".
Lizardman: "Same here".
Voldo: "Hsss".
Hwang: "Now's not too late to agree with the others".
Siegfried: "Speak for yourself"!
Rothion: "Yeah, that pair didn't make your life a living hell".
Maxi: "Living with Sophitia how could life be hell".
Li Long: "Word"!
Cervantes: "I blame my first loss on account of seeing your wife's panties".
Astaroth: "REPEATEDLY"!
All the males beside Rothion laugh.
Rock: "Your wife's undergarments make me wonder where Bangoo came from".
Kilik: "Maxi you need to get him laid".
Maxi: "I know".
Arthur: "I know some fine Geisha, I was married to one".
Rock: "Oh yeah well what about Olcadan"?
Olcadan: "What about me"?
Rock: "When did you last get some"?
Olcadan: "5000 years give or take".
Maxi spits out his beer.
Olcadan: "At least I'm not a 40 year old virgin".
Mitsurugi: "haha he's got a point".
Rothion: "Ok that's enough how many of you are lusting after my wife"?
Siegfried: "Me".
Li Long: "Me".
Cervantes: "Me".
Lizardman: "Me".
Rothion: "Like you could get any scales for a butt".
Lizardman: "I'll you know I was quite the pimp before Hephaestus shafted me".
Astaroth: "Flashback"?
Lizardman: "Hell yes"!
All the guys listen in attentively as Lizardman regales his tales as a man named Aeon Calcos.
Aeon Calcos currently residing in Sparta is getting busy with Mrs Calcos in a Sparta hotel room in the Hotel Thermopylae. Hephaestus is currently at reception.
Hephaestus: "Ahh hello I'm looking for a Aeon Calcos"?
Receptionist: "Yes sir he's currently staying in the Leonadas suite with his wife".
Hephaestus: "Thank you my blessing be on you".
Hephaestus finds the Leonadas suite with a sign reading "Do not Disturb, either sleeping or shagging will only come out when I have the munchies, signed Aeon Calcos". Hephaestus knocks on the door hard. After getting fed up with it Aeon finally answers it.
Aeon: "Hephaestus what are you doing here"?
Hephaetus: "Aeon Calcos of Sparta you have been chosen to go on a holy mission. Your task to find the Dread pirate Cervantes De Leon and destroy his sword Soul Edge, It is an embarrassment to me and all that we stand for. Will you take up this noble and sacred charge"?
Aeon: "Yeah sure, see you in an hour".
Hephaestus knocks again. Again Aeon answers.
Hephaestus: "Aeon".
Aeon: "What I'm busy"!
Hephaestus: "The fate of the world rests in your hands".
Aeon: "I'm sure it does see you in 30".
Hephaestus: "Aeon".
Aeon: "15".
Hepheastus: "Now"!
Aeon: "10 I'll keep my helmet on".
Hephaestus: "Young man you get out here now or you'll be in trouble".
Aeon: "Still pissed off because of Aphrodite"?
Hephaestus: "You dare insult me".
Aeon: "I mean just because Ares shagged her, don't take it out on me".
Hephaestus: "Get out now or I swear Hades will give the soap in the shower torture in Tartaurus".
Aeon: "Fine I'm going".
End Flashback.
Siegfried: "Your married it doesn't count you know".
Lizardman: "Stuff it".
Hwang: "So what happened".
Lizardman: "Well Hephaestus was mega pissed so while he told Sophitia and the others to go west, he told me to go east to the Palgaea shrine and guess what happened".
Voldo puts a hand on his shoulder: "Hssss".
Astaroth: "Man who knew the Gods could be so vengeanceful".
Lizardman: "Asshole"!
Meanwhile the girls are all ecstatic over the fact there is a wedding well most of them anyway.
Phyrra: "Congratulations Aunt Tira.
Patryklos(looking at Nightmare): "Cool you're going to be my unki".
Nightmare: "That's right kid… wait unki"?
Sophitia: "Aunt Tira"?
Tira(hugging Phyrra): "Yes".
Sophitia: "As a representative of the Olympian Gods I'am to offer a congratulations, but I'm so disgusted you're getting the crummiest bread making oven I can find back home".
Tira: "Come on me and Nightmare can babysit".
Cassandra: "No I'm the resident babysitter when Sophitia and Rothion go out".
Patryklos: "But Aunt Cassandra, Nightmare is cool".
Nightmare: "You were right Tira he'd make a great host, sorry kid your lucks out".
Talim: "Oh I've never been to a wedding; it'll be romantic with flowers and wedding cake".
Ivy: "The spew bucket".
Taki: "Good one Ivy".
Nightmare: "Flowers, oh hell no".
Tira: "Only if they are Nightshade".
Nightmare: "You look hot in Nightshade".
Seung Mina: "That's sweet in an evil sort of way".
Nightmare: "AND NOTHING ELSE".
Tira: "WHAT"!
Nightmare: "Boo Yah"!
Sophitia: "Before we continue I have to ask".
Setsuka: "You can't be serious".
Sophitia: "Are you two pure"?
Nightmare: "Evil"?
Tira: "Yes".
Cassandra: "She means virgin".
Nightmare and Tira look at each other, and nod sheepishly yes.
Xianghua: "You're kidding"?
Taki: "Bullshit"?
Amy: "Congratulations, I mean what".
Seung Mina: "You can't be serious".
Xianghua: "Anyway I'm happy for you I'd always wish Kilik would pop the question".
Still at the bar Kilik shudders.
Maxi: "You alright man"?
Kilik: "Yeah my monk intuition is telling me Xianghua wants me to propose as well".
Maxi: "UUghh"!
Kilik: "Exactly".
After getting over the shock of Nightmare and Tira Zasalamel has the stage again.
Zasalamel: "Ladies, Gentleman and freaks if I can have your attention it is time, for the musicians to begin playing so If everyone would like to find a dance partner and prove your not a loser lets begin.
Hualin: "I want Maxi"!
Maxi: "You got Maxi".
Kilik: "Xianghua"? Xianghua takes Kilik's arm excitedly.
Sophitia and Rothion are already out there.
Voldo tries to ask Lynette: "HHHSSSssssSS".
Lynette: "I dunno".
Voldo does his funky dance moves.
Lynette: "Hell yeah".
Raphael goes to Ivy: "Mi lady shall we".
Ivy: "Alright, Mi Lord".
Siegfried sees Amy crying and says to Setsuka: "I better ask her".
Setsuka: "Alright its not like I'll be here long".
Arthur approaches with a rose in his mouth which he forgot to check for thorns.
Setsuka: "Alright, bleeding gums".
Siegfried: "Shall we".
Amy smiles as she gets to dance with her first crush.
Seung Mina has already dragged a reluctant Hwang.
Hwang: "Astaroth, Lizardman save me".
Lizardman: "You're on your own".
Zasalamel extends his hand to Cassandra: "May I".
Cassandra blushes.
Valeria jumps on the bar and starts dancing.
Lizardman: "Looks like no one wants to dance with us Astaroth".
Astaroth: "You know what this means Lizardman".
Lizardman and Astaroth: "MORE BOOZE FOR US"!
They jump behind the bar and gorge themselves on whatever alcoholic beverage they can find.
As the guests are dancing on the floor Yunseong and Talim are in the air thanks to Talim. Voldo gets confident and starts doing to some free style in the middle of the dance floor. He then gestures in Yoshimitsu's direction.
Li Long: "Hey Yoshimitsu I think Voldo is challenging you".
Cervantes: "Yeah you're not going to take that from anyone".
Yoshimitsu: "For the honour of the Manjitou I accept you're challenge".
Yoshimitsu and Voldo use all their eccentric moves if their movesets including Voldo's wheel going to the worm and Yoshimitsu's Meditation spin into the Helicopter. Everyone is impressed and can't decide on a winner, both fighters take a bow.
Raphael: "Most Impressive we've danced to midnight".
Zasalamel: "Well seeing as it is a special night, Nightmare, Tira get over here".
Nightmare and Tira waltz on over.
Zasalamel: "Maestro some slow music if you please, now dim the lights, let us observe the newly engaged couple in their first dance".
Nightmare: "My darling let us bathe ourselves in darkness".
Tira: "Since when was a Nightmare a good dream".
Nightmare and Tira pull each other close and begin the slow dance, this goes on for five minutes, until the pair see Talim and Yunseong at the top still dancing in the air oblivious to proceedings below. Nightmare whispers something in Tira's ear.
Tira: "Oooh that's naughty I like it".
Nightmare smiles and suddenly the rest of the group is stunned as Nightmare flings Tira in the air toward Yunseong and Talim. Tira reaches the pair and yells: "BOOOOOOO"!
Yunseong: "AHHHH"!
Talim: "AHHHH"!
Tira lands gracefully but Talim and Yunseong land on the ground with a THUD!
Nightmare: "Score"!
Tira(Gives Nightmare a high five): "Perfect".
Yunseong: "Ouch, Tira, Nightmare you can be real bastards".
Zasalamel assess' the situation and decides to call it a night.
Zasalamel: "Ladies and Gentlemen thank you for coming tonight was most enjoyable despite an unholy union".
Nightmare: "Hey"!
Zasalamel: "Anyway I'm not letting you all go out into the ocean drunk and off your face tonight I have many guest rooms prepared and when everyone is sobered up we can decide what to do from there".
Everyone follows Zasalamel upstairs to the guest rooms which looks more like a hotel. Of course everyone drunk stumbles in random rooms. Lizardman and Astaroth get into an argument over one bedroom.
Lizardman: "Astaroth this is my bedroom".
Astaroth: "I called it".
Lizardman: "Did not"!
Astaroth: "Did to".
Lizardman: "Did not".
Astaroth: "Did to".
Lizardman: "Did n…".
Astaroth pukes on the bed.
Lizardman: "Ahh you can have the bedroom".
Astaroth: "Nah you called it just now".
Lizardman: "Didn't".
Astaroth: "Did".
Lizardman: "Didn't
Astaroth: "Did".
Lizardman: "Didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't, didn't"!
They look at each other and then run out of the room.
Astaroth and Lizardman: "Rock someone spewed on your bed"!
Rock (goes in): "So this is my bed, Oh no"!
Sophitia and Rothion decide it's best to make sure Nightmare and Tira remain virgins before the big night so they make an arrangement.
Sophitia: "Ok Nightmare, Tira since you're both engaged I think you two should wait".
Cervantes (passing): "Why should they you didn't".
Rothion: "We just want what's best for you".
Sophitia: "So tonight we decided that tonight Tira you can sleep with Cassandra and Phyrra and Patryklos".
Phyrra and Patryklos: "Yay Auntie Tira and Cassandra, slumber party"!
Cassandra: "Do I get a say in this"?
Tira: "Come on it'll be fun, besides you can tell the three of us about the birds and the bees".
Sophitia: "Oookay".
Rothion: "So what about Nightmare"?
Nightmare: "Oh I got an idea. Mwuhahahahahaha"!
Later on that night everyone is in their respective rooms. Siegfried can't believe his luck.
Siegfried: "How on earth do I end up bunking with you".
Nightmare: "Dude you gotta lighten up, it's over I'm human".
Siegfried: "I can't believe he based you off me".
Nightmare: "I chose you for one reason (pulls up sheets and looks down) isn't that right big buddy".
Siegfried: "You chose me as your host because".
Nightmare: "You're hung like a horse".
Siegfried: "Just shut up and let me sleep"!
Nightmare: "Hey Siegfried".
Siegfried: "What"!
Nightmare: "I love you".
Siegfried(disturbed): "The hell"?
Nightmare: "I mean as a brother".
Siegfried: "You're not my brother".
Nightmare: "Hey we look alike and since I'm human I might as well have a brother".
Siegfried: "No"!
Nightmare: "Come on"!
Siegfried: "Why should I become your brother".
Nightmare: "Because we had so much fun together".
Siegfried: "You tormented me for seven years, fun it ain't".
Nightmare: "I know you're angry at me, but lets face it you did kill dad".
Siegfried: "My dad not yours".
Nightmare: "And mother I never had a mum".(sobs)
Siegfried: "You really have changed".
Nightmare: "Happens when you become human".
Siegfried: "Ok I'll treat you as a human, so why do you want to be a part of my family"?
Nightmare: "So I can make it up to you and I can start by asking this next question".
Siegfried: "Fire away".
Nightmare: "Will you be my best man at the wedding"?
Siegfried: "What the fuck"?
Nightmare: "Seriously".
Siegfried: "Oh alright".
Nightmare: "Cheers, you're a good mate".
Siegfried: "Mate"?
Nightmare: "C'mon give us a cuddle"!
Siegfried: "Oh alright".
Both Nightmare and Siegfried patch up their differences and have a quick cuddle which Siegfried broke off quickly. And quickly go back to bed.
Siegfried: "Wonder what everyone else is doing"?
Nightmare: "Shagging".
While Nightmare wasn't really accurate remembering their deal Mitsurugi wakes up and prepares to sneak into Rothion's and Sophitia's room, really excited.
Yoshimitsu: "And where are you going with you're pecker in your hand like that"?
Mitsurugi: "Oh off to see the midnight show".
Arthur: "I bet it has to do with Taki".
Mitsurugi: "Arthur you are so right"!
Arthur: "Can I come"?
Mitsurugi: "Sorry man it's a private show".
Mitsurugi leaves the room, Taki snuck out easily due to her Ninja skills.
Taki: "Trust you to have that smile on your face".
Mitsurugi(takes Taki's hand): "Come on lets not keep them waiting".
Taki and Mitsurugi open the Alexandra door and see Sophitia and Rothion waiting for them, Sophitia and Taki wink at each other, Rothion is nervous, while Mitsurugi's smile is plastered to his face.
Sophitia: "Rothion would you like to stand next to Mitsurugi".
Rothion goes over to Mitsurugi while Taki crawls onto Sophitia's bed like a cat purring all the way. This gets both men excited. Both Taki and Sophitia are now on the bed stroking each other, Taki then nibbles on Sophitia's ear and whispers something. This causes Sophitia quiver while Taki kisses her neck Sophitia turns to the boys.
Sophitia: "You know we really need a lot of help, such as scenery so we need you boys to take off your shirts".
Mitsurugi quickly removes his top attire, while Rothion sheepily removes his. Mitsurugi is sporting his tight bodied six pack. And Rothion also has a well toned body of his own.
Mitsurugi: "Good to see you can keep her happy".
Rothion: "I can't believe your condoning this".
Mitsurugi: "If you're so offended why did you agree"?
Rothion sighs, while he watches on while Sophitia and Taki are passionately kissing. Taki then stands on the bed, while Sophitia reclines on the bed pulling her nightie up so her legs and her panties are in full view. Mitsurugi is checking to see if his nose is bleeding, while Rothion is just standing there like a stunned mullet. Mitsurugi gives him a thumbs up. Taki is now standing with her red nightie, Sophitia gets on her kneels and runs her hands on the outer parts of Taki's legs, stands up and pulls the nightie over the top of her head and removes it. Sophitia throws it to Rothion who looks down at it. Mitsurugi is still smiling. Taki and Sophitia descend rubbing each other up while Taki teases the possibility of removing Sophitia's nightie. Sophitia kissed Taki's cleavage and cups her butt cheeks as Taki cheekily smiles at the boys.
Taki: "Not bad eh boys, but we need to know our audience is enjoying the spectacle".
Mitsurugi: "And what a spectacle it is".
Taki: "Sophitia and I would like it more if your pants were removed, so we could see how much you really enjoy the performance".
Within seconds Mitsurugi pulls his string belt and his baggy pants are on the floor. Rothion takes some time in removing his pants he then looks at Mitsurugi.
Rothion: "So it is a myth men from your parts are small".
Mitsurugi: "Mate look at the girls not me sheesh"!
Sophitia is still kissing Taki's cleavage and cupping her buttocks, now Taki has managed to sneak a hand in between Sophitia's legs and is now rubbing her panties. Rothion has his fist in his mouth and Mitsurugi is still smiling. Sophitia starts to moan and she's getting louder and driving both men wild. She stops kissing Taki's cleavage and Taki moves both her hands to Sophitia's buttocks and in seconds removes Sophitia's nightie. Taki then throws it to Mitsurugi who catches it and wears it like a scarf. Taki and Sophitia look into each other's eyes then turn to the boys.
Sophitia: "You know Taki the boys have been well behaved".
Taki: "Yes they have been a great audience".
Sophitia: "You know I'm always fond of crowd interaction".
Taki: "I've always wondered what a married man is like".
Rothion chokes.
Sophitia: "Boys can you follow a script"?
Mitsurugi Nods enthusiastically.
Taki: "So before we remove our bras and panties".
Sophitia and Taki: "You two have to kiss".
Rothion is completely stunned, while Mitsurugi thinks about it.
Mitsurugi: "Ok Rothion take one for the team".
Rothion: "What"?
Mitsurugi quickly grabs Rothion's head and places his hand around his mouth and pretends to passionately tongue that. After a few seconds Mitsurugi releases Rothion. It seemed his ploy fooled the two girls.
Sophitia: "Wow I'm so impressed".
Taki: "Mitsurugi I didn't know you liked to play the Nobunaga, Ranmaru game".
Mitsurugi: "He's Ranmaru".
Rothion: "What"?
Mitsurugi: "Shut up".
Sophitia and Taki get up off the bed, Sophitia goes to Mitsurugi and Taki goes to Rothion.
Sophitia: "Now since you've been such good boys you wait in here".
Taki: "While we remove everything and when you're back".
Sophitia: "It's wife swap, Mitsu get's me".
Taki: "And I get hammered by the blacksmith".
Mitsurugi still excitied shakes Rothion's hand.
Sophitia and Taki push Mitsurugi and Rothion out the door and by door they are in the hallway stark naked unaware they've been had. Taki and Sophitia have locked the door. When the lock was heard they both realized.
Rothion: "I knew it was too good to be true".
Mitsurugi: "Man do I have the biggest case of blue balls".
Rothion: "What to we do".
Mitsurugi: "We cover ourselves and find a place to sleep".
Both men grabs shields to cover their manhood. Rothion picked a spiked buckler while Mitsurugi picked a tower shield.
Rothion: "Oh Mr. Modesty"!
Mitsurugi: "Oh shut up pin prick jockey".
