Soul Calibur 3 and a half The Book Zasalamel wished he didn't write Chapter 5

What no reviews oh fine then.

Disclaimer

Some random twang about me not owning anything, cept all of you on Dota oh yeah!

Chapter 5

"Hello everyone Zasalamel here with your tourists guide to Australia. This chapter will not only be about your favourite characters but also wait for it. … Dispelling all the stereotypes about this wonderful country. Yes people I'm going to teach you all how to behave in Australia because there are some things about Aussies that are just not true. That being said Sydney will host the wedding of the Era. Now don't get pissy at me because I didn't pick your capital city London is too wet, Washington is far too dangerous at the moment, Berlin is okay but I heard some sport where you something other than ass is being played there at the moment, Paris is well French. Tokyo is too crowded, Jerusalem I won't even go there. And for the record Sydney is not the capital of Australia, Canberra is but your not supposed to know that believe me its much better that way".

The entire cast is currently in one of Sydney's most famous area's Kings Cross. Sailors will tell you what that is famous for.

Zasalamel: "Well people what do you think"?

Cassandra: "Ooooh that tower looks like a doodle".

Zasalamel: "That's Centrepoint it has a shopping centre".

Ivy: "It does Bye"!

Sophitia: "Seeya come on kids".

Ivy and Sophitia go shopping at Centrepoint.

Zasalamel: "Guys there are some ground rules we have while you have fun in Australia".

Cervantes: "Question"?

Zasalamel: "Everyone".

Cervantes: "I have a question"?

Zasalamel: "WHAT"!

Cervantes: "No need to yell".

Zasalamel: "Don't make me kill you".

Cervantes: "Did we appear in the whore part of Sydney"?

Zasalamel: "Yes".

Cervantes: "Oh happy day"!

Cervantes gallops off to a strip joint.

Arthur: "Are they cheap"?

Zasalamel: "Yes Arthur".

Arthur: "Oh I'm going to get some"!

Zasalamel: "Yah sure you are".

Suddenly everyone leaves and Zasalamel is all alone with Siegfried.

Zasalamel: "Why do I know that this is going to turn out badly"?

Siegfried: "Because you have unleashed a murderer a mass murderer and a lizard on an unsuspecting 21st century".

Zasalamel: "Alright lets go get your brother's stag party organized".

Siegfried: "What to you suggest"?

Zasalamel "Topping the after party".

Meanwhile Maxi, Kilik and Yunseong have all gone to the video game arcade when Yunseong makes a surprise discovery.

Maxi and Kilik are playing some sort of race car game at the moment.

Kilik: "Maxi what's a noob or nub"?

Maxi: "May'be it's you guys are so sexy and much better looking than us acne ridden corpses".

Kilik: "I some how don't think that's it".

Maxi: "Yeah we should have asked them before you knocked them out".

Yunseong comes running toward them excited.

Yunseong: "Guys, guys"!

Kilik: "You found some intelligence"?

Yunseong: "What"?

Maxi: "Don't worry Yunseong nothing you'll ever have to worry about".

Yunseong: "You won't believe what I found".

Kilik: "What did you find"?

Yunseong: "There was this kid with really bad acne and he said hey that sad guy looks like Yunseong".

Kilik(smirks): "Go on".

Yunseong: "And I looked and saw that they were playing and you wouldn't believe what is was called"?

Maxi: "Learn to kick ass the friendly how to guide".

Kilik: "And that would star Yunseong".

Maxi: "Well mine would be making love the very friendly how to guide".

Yunseong: "It was called Soul Calibur 2".

Maxi and Kilik: "Oh".

Yunseong: "What do you mean oh, it has us in it and all the other guys".

Maxi: "Yunseong coincidences happen all the time".

Yunseong: "But".

Maxi: "Just an hour ago some boobjob came up to me and called me an Elvis Impersonator".

Yunseong: "But".

Maxi: "And it turns out there is some dangerously good looking guy that looks like me called Elvis Presley".

Yunseong: "But".

Maxi: "But he died recently so I can't meet him as ask if he's my descendant".

Kilik: "If descendants looked like their ancestors there should be a lot more Maxis running around".

Maxi: "True Kilik now Yunseong if you will shut up we can play Tekken".

Yunseong: "What's Tekken"?

Kilik: "It's a game where pick two people and fight each other".

As they go over to play Tekken a squad of men dressed like the FBI attack the trio quickly and knock them out. They quickly shove them in the back of a black van and speed off. One of them radios: "My Yotoriyama subjects Maxi, Kilik and Yunseong captured".

Maxi, Kilik and Yunseong wake up in a dark hall that is dimly lit. They quickly see everyone pointing accusing fingers at Zasalamel because this was not going to plan.

Setsuka: "Zasalamel what have you done".

Astaroth: "This wasn't supposed happen right"!

Lizardman: "Talk bonehead".

Voldo: "I actually met people weirder than me".

Astaroth: "Voldo now's not the time"!

Voldo: "Why".

Cassandra: "We're busy bashing Zasalamel".

Sophitia fuming is advancing to towards him

Zasalamel: "Sit down Sophitia your alive aren't ya".

Tira: "GRRRRR"!

Zasalamel: "Guys, guys?!(pulls out a pair of glasses) you wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses would you".

Many cast members lay into Zasalamel, but he escapes and now they are chasing him throughout the hall. He hides in the shadows and pulls Rock aside.

Zasalamel: "Psst Rock( pointing in the opposite direction) he went that way".

Rock: "Oh thanks".

As Zasalamel get caught and pounded again Maxi, Kilik and Yunseong awaken and find a meditating Yoshimitsu.

Kilik: "Yoshimitsu what happened".

Yoshimitsu well I was asleep like most of the guys who dragged along shopping. Then these guys in black show up and out go the lights".

Yunseong: "What's going on"?

Maxi: "Don't know but our friend Zasalamel has something to do with it".

Yoshimitsu: "Hey Kilik where are you going"?

Kilik: "Off to hurt Zasalamel".

Maxi: "Why"?

Kilik: "We don't if we will get out of this or not, still you got to have a laugh".

Maxi: "Sweet".

Soon everyone is beating up Zasalamel, then suddenly a spotlight shine on a door and Japanese man appears looking very distressed and angry. No one recognizes him except Zasalamel.

Zasalamel: "Oh SHIT"!

Raphael: "Who is that"?

Zasalamel: "The boss".

Hwang: "What boss"?

Zasalamel: "There's a reason I'm rich in this era too".

The man approaches the cast and they stop the assault of Zasalamel. The man begins to speak.

Hiroaki: "Hello everybody my name is Hiroaki Yoritiyama the producer of the Soul series and yes Zasalamel oh shit indeed".

Seong Mina: "What's this all about".

Hiroaki: "Well Seong Mina".

Seong Mina: "You know my name"?

Hiroaki: "I know all your names".

Talim: "Are you God"?

Hiroaki: "No Talim I' am the producer of the Soul series a game which children and adults play and you are the stars".

Ivy: "And only Zasalamel gets paid"?

Hiroaki: "Yes but that's not the point".

Valeria: "What is the point"?

Hiroaki: "You all must leave this era immediately".

Yunseong: "So it wasn't a coincidence".

Hiroaki: "No, when people began recognizing you my employees swiftly reacted before you could do anymore harm, but I have one question, Zasalamel"?

Zasalamel: "Yes"?

Hiroaki: "Where is Nightmare I assume the histories are correct and he vanished with the swords".

Zasalamel: "It's a long story".

Hiroaki: "I have time, but I'm afraid you do not have eternity".

Zasalamel: "You see sir Tira is getting married and I brought everyone here, to have the wedding in Sydney".

Hiroaki: "You mean Tira is going to married"?

Zasalamel: "Yes".

Hiroaki: "To whom"?

Zasalamel: "Nightmare".

Hiroaki: "Impossible".

Zasalamel: "Well after I ended the whole soul edge thing I reincarnated Nightmare as a human being".

Hiroaki: "You did what"?!

Zasalamel: "Nightmare and Tira are getting married in Sydney in the twenty first century".

Hiroaki: "There is some force or God that is going to allow those two to breed"?

Ivy: "We're as shocked as you are".

Taki: "And disgusted".

Hiroaki: "Zasalamel this wasn't in your histories I paid you good money to keep this whole thing hushed up".

Zasalamel: "I'm sorry sir".

Hiroaki: "And Nightmare is on the loose causing all kinds of mayhem".

Olcadan: "It's horrible I know".

Hiroaki: "And the children they'll have".

Zasalamel: "It's best not to think about it".

Hiroaki: "You have no idea what you've unleashed".

Hiroaki's phone rings and he answers it.

Hiroaki: "Hiroaki speaking".

Phone: "Sir you should turn on the news now".

Hiroaki: "I'm addressing the cast".

Phone: "Good because they should see this too".

Hiroaki pulls out a remote and a huge screen appears and news is turned on.

Newsreader: "Bizarre and shocking scenes at Centrepoint tower today as some crazed young man early to mid twenties has painted on the tower is large letters (Nightmare wants his fiancée back douchebags NOW!). While the police have failed to subdue this immature soul sources say he has been making his way to Namco secret headquarters where several uncanny lookalikes to the Soul Calibur three cast are being held and Hiroaki Yoritiyama. He looks hella pissed".

Hiroaki turned off the screen and calls security.

Hiroaki: "security total lockdown of the entire facility Nightmare must not pass".

Rothion: "That's our Nightmare".

Phyrra: "That's our unki".

Hiroaki: "What the hell"?

Sophitia: "Tira adopted herself into the family".

Hiroaki: "Ok".

Sophitia: "She wants me to give her away".

Tira: "Yeah"!!!

Hiroaki: "Zasalamel do you realize what you've done"?

Zasalamel: "No".

Hiroaki: "You have upset the balance of time".

Somehow bypassing all security measures Nightmare appears in the room directly behind Hiroaki, he moves one finger infront of lips calling for silence he stands behind Hiroaki who is completely oblivious to his presence.

Hiroaki: "And then there's that nutjob Nightmare"!

Nightmare: "WEDGIE"!

Nightmare gives Hiroaki a massive wedgie causing everyone to crack and leave Hiroaki in a lot of pain.

Nightmare: "BOOYAH"!

Patryklos: "Unki Nightmare".

Nightmare: "Sup kid".

Tira: "Nightmare" (runs toward him)

Nightmare: "Come my Venus Flytrap".

Tira: "Kiss me".

Nightmare: "Ok".

Tira and Nightmare engage is long passionate kiss the then to proceed to make out in front of everyone sending shockwaves and causing Hiroaki to spew.

Patryklos: "Aunti Tira and Unki Nightmare are hugging".

Rothion: "Yes son happy thoughts".

Hiroaki: "ZASALAMEL"!!!

Zasalamel: "Yes"?

Hiroaki: "You created this"?

Zasalamel: "I thought it would be appropriate".

Hiroaki: "Appropriate! He's the sixteenth century version of D-Generation X".

Nightmare: "Yo assmunch get over it you took my sugar princess away".

Tira: "Nightmare your tongue is not in my mouth and vice-versa".

Nightmare: "Sorry".

Nightmare and Tira continue to make out.

Hiroaki: "STOP IT YOU FREAKS"!

Nightmare: "Dude do you know what I do to people who piss me off".

Hiroaki: "What"?

Nightmare: "I take their head and shove it down the dunny. And where I come from we don't have a button to flush".

Hiroaki: (gulp).

Nightmare: "So I suggest you like us go right now or I'll set Voldo on you".

Voldo: "I will make you feel special".

Hiroaki: "Ok ok how about we make a deal".

Zasalamel: "Oh please do".

Hiroaki: "You guys can do anything you like but you must leave after the wedding".

Zasalamel: "Oh sir that won't do".

Hiroaki: "It won't"?

Mitsurugi: "We want all expenses paid".

Hiroaki: "Never".

Mitsurugi: "Fine then we'll set Rock on you".

Hiroaki: "What"?!

Rock: "Where do babies come from"?

Hiroaki: "Didn't anyone tell you about the birds and the bees".

Lizardman: "I did but he didn't believe me".

Hiroaki: "What"?

Rock: "Well there's a real size difference between the two Emu's are really big".

Hiroaki: "Alright fine all expenses paid, but after the wedding is over you're all out of here".

Zasalamel: "Deal" (they shake on it).

Tira(whispers): "Hey Nightmare lets go steal his car".

Nightmare(whispers): "And make out in the backseat"?

Tira: "Yes".

Author's note

Well that the end of that chapter the story is still on and the Tekken contest is still on if no one gets it Heaven's Monument will name Tira's bridesmaid. Good luck to you all see previous chapter for details.