Soul Calibur 3 and a half The Book Zasalamel wished he didn't write Chapter 6
Been a while eh.
Disclaimer
I officially do not own Soul Calibur, Namco, eh screw it you get the drift
Chapter 6
"Oh boo hoo yes I know three fuckin years, yes I know Soul Calibur 4 is out, wanna know what that is, well that's damage control. How you ask? Well do oversized gigantic pixelated boobies give you a hint. Well I for one like them, good job Soul Project, when you can't be innovative give us the titties, I love you all. Well wedding planning is fun and so are bachelor parties. Now I'm leaving the rest of the comments and telling to Ivy because I was not present, so thank you for your patience".
Signed Zasalamel.
"Well now for someone a lot more talented than our over egotistical party host and author. I got this gig for several reasons, but I think Zasalamel's main reason was because of my Soul Calibur 4 costume... yeah. Anyway being the most sophisticated and intelligent member of the entire roster not just the female one I bring you Tira's Hen's night, not to be outdone by the boys(because I'd like to see them try) we decided the most humourous party would be a paintball skirmish... IN SYDNEY. Oh yes we have declared war on anyone not wearing camo. Well the girls and myself are geared up and ready to unleash a world of hurt on all of you".
Signed Ivy.
All the girls are assembled in Sydney and equipped with fully automatic paintball guns. Assisting them is an official referee.
Referee: "Ok girls my name is Joerade so why you are playing we have to lay some ground rules".
All girls(bored as badshit)
Joerade: "First keep your mask on at all times safety first".
Taki: "Boring".
Joerade: "Second listen and obey the ref at all times".
Seong Mina: "Get on with it douchebag".
Joerade: "Finally no shooting the Referee".
Cassandra: "This is officially boring".
Joerade: "If you do not obey the rules you will be subject to a firing squad where your entire team will punish you".
Talim: "So Ivy will be up for it".
Ivy: "I'm so going to make you cry you little skank".
Joerade: "Ok because everyone in the city is not protected shooting them will not result in a firing squad".
Setsuka: "I will now demonstrate the yawnage effect... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN"!!!
Joerade: "Ok who is the lucky lady getting hitched".
Sophitia: "Lucky is an understatement".
Tira jumps up excitedly waving her arms in the air.
Joerade: "Ok the chick on crystal meth, come up here please".
Tira stands next to Joerade smiling sadistically
Joerade: "All right girls the game is tag and all of you are it, but there is a twist. You must tag as many civilians as possible but while you are tagging civilians, Tira will be hunting you, you can defend yourselves, if Tira is hit she can't hit you.
Ivy: "I could have sworn he said no shooting civilians".
What the rest of the cast didn't know was that Tira had a second paintball gun pointed down Joerade's pants aimed squarely at a crevice that only customs officers dare to probe.
Joerade: "All right game on".
The girls disperse quickly except for Tira who is laughing manically.
Tira (shooting both her paintball guns in the air) "Kill, KILL"!
Several girl groups form all agreeing to ditch Tira and hide rather than face her paintball wrath. First Xianghua and Seong Mina head down the street.
Seong Mina: "Xianghua I have a plan".
Xianghua: "What's you plan"?
Seong Mina: "This".
Seong Mina jumps out onto the road in the path of an oncoming Ute (pick up tuck for all you Americans) and flashes the driver. The driver looks all wide eyed in amazement.
Seong Mina: "Xianghua come on".
Driver: "Can I help you girls"?
Seong Mina: "If you let us ride on the back of your.. carriage whatever it is, me and my friend will show you our tits".
Xianghua: "Wait a minute".
Seong Mina glares at Xianghua.
Xianghua: "Yep both our tits".
Driver: "Hop on ladies".
Seong Mina and Xianghua hitch a ride on the back of the Ute.
Xianghua: "Seong Mina whats the point of all this"?
Seong Mina: "A moving target is always harder to hit than a stationary target".
Talim and Amy run off together and search for a place to hide but there is one small problem. The pair have unwittingly wander onto the street where there are strip clubs.
Bouncer: "Hey are you girls over eighteen"?
Talim: "Ah no".
Bouncer: "Thats alright come in anyway".
Talim and Amy enter the strip club, there they observe the happenings of a strip joint
Amy: "Why are the women taking their clothes off".
Talim: "What I want to know is why men are paying for that"?
Amy: "I know back in the slums you'd have to do more than that to earn that kind of money".
Random patron: "It's called a brothel honey, that said get your kit off"!
Club owner: "Perhaps you girls would like a job here"?
Talim looks at the owner with an innocent look. Amy just shoots the owner in the crotch. A random stripper steals the man's wallet
Stripper: "Thanks hun".
Amy: "whatever".
The other girls who ditched the group together meet up back at the starting point, knowing thats the last place Tira would look. Eventually Xianghua, Seong Mina, Amy and Talim make it back. Tira makes it back too frothing from the mouth holding two heavily used paintball guns. Joerade looks impressed too.
Joerade "All right girls good game none of you were tagged, and good game Tira you look like you had fun, But more importantly WHO THE FUCK SHOT ME!"
All the girls burst out laughing
Joerade" That's not funny that stuff really hurts"!
Ivy puts her hand up
Joerade: "All right firing squad"!
Taki puts her hand up
Joerade: " You too"!
All the girls except Tira put their hands up.
Joerade: "Well I can't put you all up for a firing squad".
Tira: "What firing squad I'll do it".
Tira lets a few shots loose and the girls run for their lives. Tira eventually chases them back to the hotel. All the girls end up in Ivy's room and barricade the door with all the furniture they can find.
Tira: "Little pigs, let me in All the boys and girls come out to play on the busy motor way".
Setsuka: "I swear that little hussy is going to get us all killed".
Sophitia: "Speak for yourself at least she didn't terrorise your family".
Cassandra: "We couldn't get a restraining order because the judge got scared of her".
Sophitia: "Actually the judge lost his bowel movements when Nightmare smiled at him".
Tira: "Little pigs Auntie Tira wants to finger your entrails"!
Taki: "We have to do something she's never been that bad".
Sophitia: "I'd like to smack the bitch up".
Ivy: "You really hate her don't you".
Xianghua: "Yeah I thought you were the nice girl who never thinks badly of anyone".
Sophitia: "Look Tira did something to my kids that I can never forgive her for".
Ivy: "Which is"?
Sophitia: "And none of you can understand because you don't have kids".
Ivy: "And that is"?!
Sophitia: "She corrupted my innocent children"!
Ivy: "Oh for crying out loud, what did she do"?
Cassandra: "She taught the children how to swear".
Talim: "Flashback time"?
Cassandra: "Sure"!
Back in suburban Athens the Alexandra family are enjoying Christmas dinner, in laws from both sides of the family are there and the kids are little angels.
Sophitia's Mum: "This is just delicious darling".
Rothion's Mum: "Yes a most scrumptious turkey, my little Rothion is so lucky. Aren't you son"?
Rothion: "Yes mother".
Rothion's Mum: "By the way Sophitia why are all the windows barred it's a bright sunny day and surely the windows need to be opened".
Phyrra: "Grandma Mummy said we can't open the windows or go outside, because Mummy always says that, that fruitcake Tira is on the prowl".
Sophitia's Mum: "Fruitcake, Sophitia"?
Sophitia: "Well mum you see".
Sophitia's Mum: "I didn't raise my daughter to say that about other people didn't I"?!
Sophitia(sighing): "No mother".
Phyrra: "Don't worry mummy your potatoes are fucking tops".
Everyone looks at Phyrra stunned and Sophitia looks like she's about to have a nervous breakdown.
Sophitia(over the top): "GO TO YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT YOUNG LADY"!!!
Phyrra cries as she runs upstairs.
Sophitia's Mum: "Well darling that was overkill".
Sophitia: "Patryklos tell Mummy where your sister learned that"?!
Patryklos: "From Auntie Tira".
Sophitia: "What did you say".
Patryklos: "For fucks sake mum Auntie Tira".
Sophitia: "Where did you learn that"!!!
Patryklos: "Unki Nightmare".
Sophitia graps her son by the head: "What did I tell you about calling them Auntie Tira and Unki Nightmare, there to be called that schizophrenic fruitcake and the nut job"!
Patryklos(crying): "I'm sorry mummy".
Sophitia's Mum: "Who are Tira and Nightmare?"
Cassandra: "Tira was a servant of Soul Edge and Nightmare was Soul Edge and now they are human and sane".
Sophitia: "What was that about them being sane"?!
Suddenly the door opens and Tira and Nightmare walk through, Nightmare has a huge sack over his shoulder.
Tira: "Hello Darlings"!
Nightmare: "Merry Christmas mofos to one and all".
Sophitia's Mum: "Who are these people Sophitia"?
Sophitia: "The schizophrenic fruitcake and the nutjob".
Patryklos: "Unki Nightmare, Auntie Tira"!
Patryklos runs into Tira's arms and asks Nightmare: "Unki Nightmare do you have presents".
Nightmare: "Fuck yeah you little brat here you go".
Patryklos: "Thanks". Patryklos unwraps his present to find a mini Soul Edge.
Nightmare: "See now you can be a berserking murderous freakjob".
Patryklos: "YAYYYY!!!".
Phyrra pokes her out head out her bedroom door.
Phyrra: "Auntie Tira"!!!
Tira: "Merry Christmas Angel".
Tira gives Phyrra a hoop shaped present which is when un-wrapped a Hula-Hoop.
Phyrra: "Thanks Auntie Tira"!
Tira: "We got presents for everyone"!
Sophitia: "Aren't you supposed to be at Siegfried's house"?!
Siegfried walks in with Margaret.
Margaret: "Well Tira met her fiancée's side of the family and so it's only fair that I meet Tira's".
Sophitia: "Since when was she our family".
Tira hugs Sophitia: "Don't deny our love sister, embrace as your kin".
Sophitia pushes Tira off: "Not a chance in Tartarus skank features".
Tira: "Awwww, Nightmare gets to be adopted and he got a teddy bear Sophitia, a teddy bear".
Siegfried: "He called it Muffins".
Nightmare: "Mum Siegfried's making fun of me".
Margaret: "Siegfried you behave yourself young man or you get the wooden spoon".
Sophitia: "I got a big one if you like".
Siegfried/Nightmare: "NO MUM NOT THE SPOON"!
Margaret: "Good boys".
Sophitia: "Right well, since you two psychos ruined Christmas, Christmas is cancelled so everyone get out".
Sophitia's Mum: "Well Sophitia I nev...".
Sophitia: "GET OUT OF HERE ALL OF YOU, OR I'LL RIP YOUR HEADS OFF AND EAT THEM"!
Everyone complies with what Sophitia says, on the way out Nightmare says: "Chick take a chill pill".
Sophitia produces a wooden spoon the size of a zweihander and hits Nightmare through the front door.
Everybody is now outside, listening to Sophitia scream her lungs out.
Margaret: "So off to my place then"? Everyone just picks up and leaves.
Rothion: "Can we please crash for a week, that's usually how long it takes for her to calm down".
Nightmare: "We could get Taki, that'll calm her down".
Siegfried: "You mean get her excited".
Nightmare and Siegfried snigger in unison.
Phyrra: "You mean Mummy's friend Taki who does Yoga and massages with her"?
Cassandra: "Yes that's all they do (To Nightmare and Siegfried) especially if two cheeky boys want to have babies in the near future".
Nightmare/Siegfried: "We'll be good".
Sophitia's Mum: "Who's Taki"?
END FLASHBACK
Ivy: "Hmm, right I got it, Tira hunny the stripper is about to come".
Tira bursts through the door "Whaa No way".
Ivy: "Yes wait right here".
Taki: "You got her a stripper"?
Ivy: "Well Maxi is organising Nightmare's stag party so I thought".
Taki: "Fair enough".
Down the hall of the hotel Ivy and Taki find a Grizzly Bear walking around with a bouquet of roses and a bow tie.
Ivy: "Hmmm I swore I ordered a fireman".
Kuma(bear speak): "Hi I'm looking for Ling Xiaoyu's room".
Taki: "Well he even sounds like a bear; I don't think he's the one".
Talim: "Come quick Tira's getting excited again".
Ivy: "Fuck it you'll do come with me".
Ivy pulls Kuma into the room kicking and screaming.
All the girls are slightly tipsy and are happy Kuma is here to strip for them.
Girls: "Dance, Dance, Dance"!
Kuma does his Russian bear dance that he does in Tekken.
Setsuka: "Take it off I want to see skin".
Kuma just dances faster.
Cassandra: "Start stripping man whore". Cassandra pulls a tuft of fur off Kuma.
Kuma: "RRRROOOAAAR"!
Tira then starts firing paintballs at Kuma.
Tira(maniacally): "Haha dance shake yo booty".
Kuma dances frantically to avoid the paintballs, due to the alcohol the girls are having fun. Meanwhile next chapter the guys are having their party stay tuned.
