The chapter is one hundred percent dedicated to my best friend who is not only my number one fan but my Remus. Because believe me, Diva!Sirius in this chapter is nothing compared to me and she takes it all in stride.
P.S 100 house points to whoever recognizes the quote from the chapter title!
"If I were a prostitute, I'd dress like Moony."
"What? Why?"
"It's a compliment. You dress like you don't have syphillis."
"I don't have syphillis!"
"Well that's always good."
"Wait, why are you a prostitute in the first place?"
"Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it."
"JAMES!"
"I'm not saying I have! Geez, Moony. But I'd like to keep my options open and I'm just pointing out that I've found my selling point."
"Dressing like you don't have syphillis?"
"Exactly."
It had been two days since the uncomfortably heartfelt conversation in History of Magic and Christine Scott had become a mere ghost of a worry in Remus's mind, so trivial that he found himself laughing about the ordeal at lunch by the lake.
"I heard Sheppard dumped her that night. Serves her right." Peter commented as he shifted to let Sirius into the circle.
"Don't know how he could stomach her in the first place," James sneered before turning to the new arrival, "Alright, mate?"
Sirius gave an unimpressed huff and rolled his eyes, "I swear I'm booking an appointment with McGonagall to get changed out of Divination. I dunno what I was thinking, taking that joke of a class."
His expression brightened considerably as he noticed the array of food they'd snuck from the Great Hall. He loosened his tie and grabbed a pastry with his free hand, "So what are we talking about?"
"The Ravenwhore."
Sirius's eyes brightened with enthusiasm, "Go on."
Remus fought down the urge to scoff at Sirius's eagerness to trash talk his ex girlfriend and explained, "Apparently she's bored with our kind."
James jumped in, equally as enthused as Sirius, "McKinnon told me she's having it off with one of the Slytherin team chasers!"
Sirius threw his head back in loud, barking laughter.
"Oh god," he wheezed, "Which one?"
"Nobody knows. I'd keep it on the down low, too, if it were me." Peter chuckled.
"Hopefully not the third year." Remus commented, sending the group into howling laughter once more.
It was the familiar, comfortable conversation and maybe the added bonus of a fine, clear day that had lulled Remus into passive security. The small pessimist in his mind, the voice that was also behind such gems as 'It's definitely going to rain now that you've made plans', 'Question five was so wrong, they're probably going to pin it up in the staff room and laugh for the rest of eternity' and 'You can take the curtains down all you'd like but James is still going to find something to set on fire', was telling him that it was too good to be true but Remus was beyond caring. He had his friends, good food and a new outlook of love, how could anything possibly go-
"I have an idea!"
-wrong.
Remus's body tensed on it's own accord and he had to restrain himself from ducking for cover.
Instead, he forced a casual expression onto his face and managed to grind out, "Yes, Sirius?"
For all of his charm, charisma and natural talent with a wand, Sirius Black's creative mind was greatly feared by those in the know. Remus was yet to figure out if that particular part of Sirius's brain was either underdeveloped or actually incredible. In fact, not all of Sirius's ideas ended badly but they did make one seriously ponder the 'end doesn't justify the means' sentiment. All that could be said was that Sirius's mind would have to be a scary, brilliant place. Though, with that said, it was incredibly difficult to refuse such a face of excitement and self satisfaction.
So Remus ignored Peter making finger-knife gestures in his peripheral vision and instead forced himself to look captivated. Sirius threw him an exasperated look.
"Oh please, Moony, I could practically see the cogs turning in your head just now. Will you calm down? This one's a good one."
"Every one's a good one." James said sourly, leaning heavily against the tree trunk, "I'm getting too old for this."
"I wonder if you could say that again with even more sass." Sirius threw over his shoulder, having shifted to capture Remus's entire attention, "This doesn't concern you. Moony, listen to my idea."
Remus visibly shivered, "Okay."
"What am I?"
"Uh..."
James sat up again, frowning at Sirius, "I thought this was an idea."
"THIS DOESN'T-"
"Concern me, yeah, yeah, I get it. God, you're a bitch today." James stood and tugged Peter up by his arm, "Enjoy your handful, Remus."
Remus almost begged them to stay but they'd already made a brisk break for the castle. He turned back to Sirius who seemed to be one second away from sticking his tongue out at James. It was all in good fun so Remus chuckled freely.
"So what's this idea of your's?" he asked regretfully after a moment.
"No, no, you have to answer my question first!"
"Huh?"
"What am I?"
"Oh... Uh... A wizard?"
Sirius stared.
"Are you kidding?"
Remus shrugged, "First thing that came to mind."
"A wizard?"
Remus shifted uncomfortably under a glare that was quickly becoming outraged.
"Um... Yes?"
"A wizard, Remus! Of all my qualities!"
"What do you mean?" Remus asked defensively, "You didn't tell me how specific I needed to be!"
"It doesn't matter, Remus, you're my friend! The first thing that comes to mind when you think of me should NOT be just 'a wizard'."
"But it's what you are! What wrong with being a wizard? You're a great wizard!"
"Every sodding person in this school is a wizard! Are you telling me that when you talk about me to other people, all you can manage is 'You know, Sirius Black, the one who's a wizard'?"
"That doesn't make any sense."
"My identifier is 'wizard'!"
Remus sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he took in a deep gulp of air.
"No, Sirius, your identifier isn't 'wizard'. You have many outstanding qualities that I could use to describe you to these hypothetical other people I talk to." he deadpanned before adding spitefully, "If I had to name one, I'd say 'diva'."
Sirius was silent for a second before huffing prissily, "I was going for 'Hogwarts' most eligible bachellor', just so you know."
Remus spluttered in frustration, "How the hell was I meant to get that in one go? That was the broadest question in the world and you expect me to immediately jump to 'Hogwarts' man whore'?"
Sirius raised an eyebrow in disapproval, an ugly expression somehow made elegant on his aristocratic face, "This isn't funny, Remus, this is a betrayal."
Remus sighed for what felt like the tenth time in the past minute, "James was right, you really are bitchy today."
Sirius scoffed, "You haven't seen bitchy yet. But keep talking, you're well on your way."
"Are you going to tell me your idea or do you insist on all of this dramatic foreplay?"
Sirius considered him for a moment before giving in, "Fine. But I'm not over this 'wizard' business."
Remus fought back the urge to protest the injustice of it again, opting to keep the diva happy.
"So what are you thinking?"
As he remembered his idea, the haughty indignation slid off Sirius's face in an instant, replaced with that bubbly anticipation from before.
"Mr Moony," Sirius spoke after clearing his throat importantly, "As Hogwarts' most eligible bachellor, I hearby appoint myself to the position of your matchmaker."
"Absolutely not."
See you next Wednesday! 3
