Hey lovelies, hope you enjoy the chapter!
A quick note; I've had comments on here and DeviantArt asking for more frequent updates. Oh god, you don't know how much I wish I could update every night but it just isn't possible! I'd run myself ragged before the first week was up, I'm sure! Thank you so much for the support everyone!
When Sirius had said 'bright and early' he'd only been half right. Casting a groggy Tempus charm told Remus that it was bordering on 5 'o' clock, so early was a fairly accurate proclamation.
"The sun hasn't even... gone up." Remus whined into his pillow, forgetting the word 'risen' in his stupor.
Sirius was relentless. After discovering that his normal wake up method (a loud, operatic rendition of 'Bridge over Bubbled Potions') wasn't going to stir his tortured friend, he'd taken to, one by one, stealing items from Remus's bed.
"Cry my a river, Moony, you've already lost your covers and your curtains, can't decide if it'll be your pillow or your pants next," Sirius threatened cheerily as he pulled off Remus's socks.
Remus frowned at the threat and slowly began to stir, his body feeling heavy.
"Fine, fine," he grumbled, "I'm getting up. Mostly because I get the impression that you're all too eager to get my pants off."
Sirius ignored the jibe and grinned, "Perfect. Your sheets, curtains and socks will be returned to you at the end of the day."
"No they won't."
"No," Sirius agreed, "They probably won't. Nevermind, get in the shower, we have work to do."
Remus resisted the urge to crawl into the bathroom. He did walk with his eyes closed, however. Mercifully, Sirius steered him the right way by his shoulders and eventually (Remus couldn't remember how) he ended up in the shower, hot water slowly scalding away the sleepiness. Remus definitely respected Sirius for doing this every day and still managing to stay awake through classes.
Remus left the warm embrace of the shower when Sirius had decided he'd had enough (he informed Remus of this by flushing the toilet) and trudged back into the dormitory for the next phase. He almost turned right around and locked himself in the bathroom when he saw what was waiting for him.
"About time. I'm taking points off for excessive hot water usage." Sirius scolded.
"Points?" Remus muttered absently, staring in horror at his bed.
"Yes, points. When you've racked up enough, you progress to the next stage. You were doing well until that. For shame." Sirius gestured to Moony's bed, "Fortunately, you've got a second chance."
Remus walked over to his bed, although bed was probably not the right word to call it anymore. The bed was still there, yes, but it was buried in what looked like the clothes of every student in Hogwarts combined, all stacked and folded.
"What... Um... How?"
Sirius rolled his eyes, "Fashion boot camp. Normally I'd never do something like this, but you're a special case-"
Remus raised an eyebrow.
"A friend," Sirius remedied quickly, "So I pulled some samples from my own wardrobe."
"Samples?" Remus gasped, "Where the hell do you fit all this stuff, let alone the rest?"
Sirius huffed, "Jesus, you're as bad as Wormtail when you're tired. I'm gonna play the wizard card one more time."
Remus didn't have it in him to fight so he directed his attention to the mountains of clothes before him.
"So how does fashion boot camp work, he asks, regretting getting out of bed this morning," Remus muttered.
"Oh, don't be such a cynic. Come on, it'll be a learning experience. You're a whore for learning, right?"
"And you're just a whore. Good to know we even out." Remus snapped, "What does this even have to do with your love guru stunt?"
"Bitchiness will not be tolerated in this session, Remus, I thought we'd been over this," Sirius reminded him, "And it has everything to do with it. Before we begin to find you a girl, you need to be able to dress yourself."
"I can dress-"
"Inticingly." Sirius finished, "Just the same as we appreciate a girl in a short skirt, girls definitely judge us on our clothing."
"You should put that one a coffee mug." Remus said sarcastically.
"Scoff all you want, it's true and you'll know it."
"Sirius, this is ridiculous. It's a week day, we have to wear the uniform, remember?"
Sirus waved his hand dismissively and scoffed, "Please. I tossed my uniform out the day I got it."
Remus laughed disbelievingly, "Sure."
"It's true! First thing I did when I got my letter was get my hands on a copy of the rules. There's actually nothing that dictates specifics. As long as it's a white oxford and black trousers with the Gryffindor tie, we can wear whatever we want."
Before Remus could express just how ridiculous that sounded, Sirius huffed impatiently.
"Right, I'd forgotten you were dropped as a child." Sirius grabbed two white shirts from Remus's bed and held them up, "Look at these."
He tossed them to Remus who caught them begrudgingly. Closer examination showed that that there was, in fact, a difference between white oxford 1 and white oxford 2.
"Okay," Remus said thoughtfully, "I think I see your point."
Sirius beamed.
"Good. So it's just a matter of mixing and matching."
He looked at Remus expectantly. Remus blinked.
"DRESS!"
By the end of what had been dubbed 'Sirius's Not Camp Boot Camp', Remus was tired, grumpy, over dressed and, most importantly, in minus points. Sirius tutted all the way to breakfast.
"I've never had a student perform so poorly," he reprimanded.
"You've never had a student."
"I had one! And regardless of the fact that the other student was me, I can assure you that my teachings were very well recieved."
"Sirius, can I please change?" Remus begged, "This is barely the school uniform and I feel like a ponce."
Sirius glared stonily, "That's what I was wearing on Tuesday, you ungrateful prat."
Remus rolled his eyes, "And I'm sure it looked great on you because everything does."
Sirius's face lit up, "Well done, Moony, twenty bonus points for reciting 'Sirius's Law'!"
Remus kept a face a exasperated indifference but inside he smirked. He hated losing.
The corridors were completely deserted, given the ungodly hour that they'd awoken.
"So why do you get up this early, anyway?" Remus asked through a yawn.
"Ah, I'm glad you asked," Sirius said gleefully, "This is an important part of my success. It's a few steps ahead yet so you won't be practicing it today but you might as well know."
Remus was actually interested at this point.
"Girls, Remus, are strange creatures. They're hot beds of emotion. Some would say this makes them superior to us but I wholeheartedly disagree. See, without the attachment of emotion, men are given a whole other perspective on the world. We see things indifferently." Sirius gestured to a portrait on the wall of a young girl on a tree swing, "Take that, for example. We see a kid of a swing. What do girls see?"
"Uh... A kid on a swing with emotion?" Remus guessed.
Sirius rolled his eyes, "Good effort. Girls look at that and they're filled with a bunch of useless crap. They think 'Oh look, a little girl on a swing. I remember when I was a kid.' and then they get all sad and nostalgic. Or they think 'I wish I had a little girl on a swing' and they start getting maternal."
"This is all oddly specific, Sirius," Remus said doubtfully.
"Don't get any ideas, women are second nature to me, is all. I know how they work." he said proudly, "Anyway, when women get emotional they do weird things. They go off and cry just because their favorite shoes are ruined or the scream bloody murder when they see their friends. It's all very unneccessary."
"So what does this have to do with waking up early?"
"Because, my young apprentice, I'll let you in on a little secret. Girls who wake up early, sneak out of their dormitories and eat breakfast alone are sad. And girls who are sad, Moony, are desperate."
"Oh god, Padfoot..."
Due to incessant pressuring by my beautiful best friend, I've decided to upload a bonus chapter once I hit 10 chapter (so I'll upload the 11th that day, too). That's a few weeks away but I wanted to let you know now so I have incentive to follow through! Anyway, see you next Wednesday, have a great week!
