Chapter Four: The Blackmarket
Tony, believe it or not, had only ever woken up with a hangover in a strange place a grand total of nine times. He knew the sensation. This was not one of those times.
Instead, he felt the sensation of wetness. And something else. Something he hadn't felt for a long time. But the wetness was the most important. And the coldness.
Opening his eyes, he found out why they were important. He was in a bathtub, filled with water, that had little ice cubes in it. An I.V. hung at his side, and ran down the length of the tub to his stomach, and into a jagged gash therein.
"This is the second time I've woken up without the use of one of my organs."
"This is my second time too, strangely enough." Sanji said, sitting up in the bathtub beside him.
"I'll let you in on my ARC reactor powered kidney once I invent it." Tony said with a sigh. "I think god must exist, because he hates me."
"Isn't your partner a god?" Snaji asked.
"No, I mean the Christian god. Or the catholic, or maybe jewish. I dunno. I guess I'll convert to Norse religion, because Thor actually cares whether somebody steals my kidney."
"Hey, how come they didn't steal your heart?" Sanji pointed to the arc reactor embedded in Tony's chest.
"Eh, the last time somebody paralyzed me, the plucked it out easy." Tony said. Examining his ARC reactor, he saw scorch marks on the skin surrounding it. "I've put in some safety measures since then. What about you, when was the last time somebody stole your organs?"
"Oh, we'll we'd just gone through fighting a shadow-powered hellbeast, when one of the seven emperors of the sea came along and knocked out my entire crew. When I woke up, a pack of coyotes were trying to tear out my liver. Fortunately we had a good doctor and a state of the art surgical lab nearby. Now, time to go." Sanji stood up.
"Wait!" Tony almost had a heart attack as a trickle of blood squirted out from the scar on Sanji's abdomen. "I flunked med school, I know what'll happen if you move too much without your kidneys!"
Sanji hesitantly sat down. "Well how are we going to find the guy who took them and make him pay then?"
Tony looked at him with a face that mixed astounded awe with shock. "How exactly were you planning on beating somebody up without a kidney?"
Sanji shrugged. "There are several clusters, including mine, where men can grow stronger than normal through diligent exercise."
"And you're one of those men?"
"Yes I am."
"You have a body like limp spaghetti."
Sanji blushed. "I'll have you know this body is the essence of manliness! Woman line up just to touch it! And whatever punk did this to my body, is going to feel it!"
"Right. I can't remember much about her, except that she seemed so calm."
"… Wait, a girl did this to us?"
"Yeah. At least she used high quality drugs. I'm still tingly. Weren't you on a date with a girl before this happened?"
A shadow seemed to pass over Sanji's face. "So love has passed me over once again. Oh how cruel a world this is."
"Are you gonna be okay man?"
"I will live on, despite my heartbreak. How do you think we should get out of here Tony?"
Tony looked around. "Ah, the age old question, W.W.T.D. What Would Tony Do? First, we need to take stock of the situation. In our immediate reach, there is nothing. I have my ARC reactor, an I.V., a bathtub full of ice water, and my underwear. Do you have your underwear Sanji?"
"Yes."
"Thank goodness for small miracles. Now, the room itself is a meat locker. I see several meat hooks, but only a few bits of meat hanging. And… oh, there are two more bathtubs of icewater, with two more kidney-less people inside them."
"Why didn't you notice that before?" Sanji asked. "Oi! Are you two awake?"
"Oh, I'm awake." Came a cultured british voice from one of the tubs. The man emerged from the tub, with his beard soaking wet. He only had one hand; the other ended in a mechanical stump. "Sorry about listening in, but it was very fascinating. You're both so calm despite having some organs removed."
"Well like I said, this isn't my first time." Tony shrugged.
"Who are you?" Sanji asked.
"Oh, I'm sorry, my name is Ben Kenobi."
"No way!" Tony's eyes lit up like a girl's on valentines day. "Not Obi-wan Kenobi!"
"The same." He stroked his wet beard. "And who are you two?"
"I'm Tony Stark, and this is Sanji. Dude, this is so cool."
"Is the fourth person awake yet?" Sanji asked, wondering why Tony was acting so strangely about this new guy. Sanji'd never seen Star Wars, so he didn't know what a classic movie series it was.
Kenobi looked over the side of his tub. "No she's not."
"There's a girl in the fourth tub!" Sanji asked. "We must save her!"
"Yes, I quite agree." Kenobi said. "But how, praytell, do we do that?"
"I think I may have an idea." Tony said.
Tony managed to rig up one of the tubs for easy travel. Sanji was stronger than he looked, and he managed to kick the legs off of one of the tubs, where Tony could replace them with the three-wheels bases of each of the I.V. stands. It was no easy task, especially with the drugs that were easing their pain wearing off, and having to do most of their work from inside freezing tubs of water. But they managed to rig it up, and carefully slip into the same tub together.
Sanji carefully pulled the fourth person into the tub with them. She was a cat-girl, with cheetah style fur. "Ah, so beautiful!" Sanji gasped. "I'll set her down close to me where she'll be comfortable!"
"Eyes on the prize Sanji." Tony said. "You can fall in love after we get out of here.
"Love waits for no man!"
"Everybody together now… push."
Using their I.V. stands as make-shift paddles, the rowed their bathtub along through the meat locker and to the door. It was locked. Naturally.
"Step aside, I'll kick it open." Sanji said, almost getting up.
"No!" Tony said. "Obi-wan can use the force, right?"
"I'd prefer it if you'd call me Ben." Kenobi said. "I haven't gone by Obi-wan in a while." He reached out a hand, wincing at the effort, and the door lock began to move. "I hope you've thought about what we're going to do once we're outside. With four of us in a tub and outside of the locker, the ice will melt and we'll run the risk of getting infected."
"All I know is, it feels like my fingers are about to fall off." Tony said. "Better to get out of here sooner than later."
The massive iron door creaked open, and the three of them rowed their bathtub into a dark kitchen. "No phone." Tony said, looking around. "And no clue where we are."
"Alright then, let's try behind door number one." Kenobi gestured to the push door, and it opened for them. Tony wanted to ask about why he had a stump for a hand, but it seemed rude.
They steered their way into what seemed to be a deserted restaurant. Tony looked out the window to a familiar rainbow-crystal sky. "Well, looks like we're on the Superbridge."
"This must be Segment 29." Kenobi said. "It's cut off from guests because it's still under construction."
"Great." Sanji muttered. "How can we save this poor girl if nobody can find us?"
Tony was slightly offended. "We're in a trap too."
"She's more important."
"Quiet." Kenobi said. "I sense something up ahead." He lifted the bathtub up with the force, and moved them forward.
"You could do that this whole time!" Sanji fumed silently.
"It's difficult." Kenobi whispered. "Now hush."
They bathtub floated silently down the restaurant. The three of them kept their ears strained for the sounds of their kidnappers. They soon heard them. They followed their sense to the side of the restaurant, where a pair of double doors were slightly open. They floated their bathtub under it, and peered through the window on the top half of the doors.
It was a room full of crates, and it looked like a meeting was going on.
On one end of the room, a small white-haired man was sitting in an easy chair. Behind him were several strange people; a man wearing a gas mask, a girl wearing a skintight red leather catsuit, an alien that looked like it came from the black lagoon except it was wearing biker shorts, and they were surrounded by eery moving dolls.
On the other side of the room, a guy was sitting on one of the crates, looking every bit like a biker, with tattoos, a fur-and-leather jacket, and long silver hair. Behind him, there was a woman with identical silver hair, wearing stylized pink robes, as well as a tall man in a suit of high-tech armor carrying a big gun, and a man with a very scraggly beard that looked like he stepped out of a pirate movie.
"Anybody recognize anyone?" Tony whispered.
"The one with the silver hair." Kenobi whispered. "He's an infamous criminal in my world. His name is Tyber Zann."
The man named Zann made a gesture as they watched, and the man in the iron suit walked forward, placing a glass case on the ground. Inside, they could see their internal organs. "Four kidneys, as you requested." The iron-suit man said in a cold monotonous voice.
"Thank you Dr. Freeze." The man in the lawn chair nodded.
"I have to wonder…" Tyber Zann said. "Why couldn't you get kidneys in your own world Professor?"
"Well we could have, obviously." The Professor shrugged. "But you know, it's just so much more fun this way. I take it they were all stolen from heroes?"
"As per our agreement." Zann said. "But that's not why we called you here personally. We have a job for the Fraternity, if you're interested."
"I'm listening."
"A Persian king has come across some troubles. Apparantly, his personal world-wide blitzkrieg has been halted by a paltry force of 300 soldiers. He wants to end this embarrassment, and wonders if his loyal magicians can call up some demons for him?"
"What's the time period on this world?"
"Standard earth-frame, about a millennia B.C."
"Hmmm… sounds like fun." The Professor looked at his comrades. "What do you say?"
"Be nice to fight someone who can actually fight back for a change, eh Wes?" The girl elbowed the gas mask guy, who nodded but didn't say anything.
"Let's go play war!" The creepy little dolls cheered in unison, sending shivers down Tony's spine.
"We'll take the job." The Professor said. "It's only 300. We'll take care of them easily."
"Hmmm… what? Where am I?"
Tony wasn't expecting this new voice. Truth be told, he'd rather forgotten that they were bringing an unconscious lady along with them in the tub. But all of it came back to him now, as everybody in the room looked their way too quick for them to duck back down.
And then, of course, things took a turn for the worst as Sanji spoke up. "Hello beautiful! Don't worry, I'll protect you!"
On a scale of one to nine, waking up in a freezing bathtub in an abandoned restaurant, with four men in their underwear, one of whom says will protect you while you have a tube of plastic running into your stomach, would probably be a nine on anybody's creep-o-meter.
There was no warning; just an explosion of fur and claws.
The bathtub tipped over, and the four of them spilled into the room, most of them sporting claw marks from the irate new fourth member of their band of unfortunates. Zann and Wes already had their guns out, and Tony'd seen enough action to know that if they pulled the triggers they wouldn't miss.
The cheetah girl kept slashing and cutting with wreckless abandon. Until she heard the sound of Wes cocking his gun. Then she suddenly stopped and realized what was going on.
"Are these the heroes you took the livers from?" The Professor asked.
"Yes." Zann said evenly.
"I thought The Cheetah was a villain?"
"Not this one."
"Very well. Wes, kill them."
The first shot was aimed at Cheetah, and Sanji leaped in front of him. His speed was inhuman, maybe there was something to his claims about some worlds having stronger people than others. The next shot was aimed at Sanji, and he wasn't fast enough. The bullet grazed his head and he collapsed on the ground.
Kenobi reached out with the force to stop him, and the alien in biker shorts reached back, holding him up by the neck a la Darth Vader.
Tony scrambled to his feet. This was far, far worse than the time in the desert. This would probably be his Alamoe. Absolutely powerless, and with a gun pointed to his head.
Before his pants could turn a horrible shade of brown though, his shiny silver briefcase was thrown in front of his face. His nose broke when the bullet pushed it back into his head, but his one-of-a-kind-prodigy-brain decided this was better than being dead.
Zann's right eye lit up, and he fired his gun. The laser bolt ricocheted around the room and would have made a hole straight through Dr. Strange's head if it weren't for the force-field he'd put up.
"BY VISHANTI'S SWORD!" Dr. Strange yelled, and he propelled the collected villains forward. Mr. Freeze created a wall of ice between them and Dr. Strange, much to Wes' annoyance as he swerved around it to start pumping bullets into them.
The Cheetah had torn out her I.V. tube in all of the fuss, so Obi-wan gave her his and started dragging her and Sanji away. Tony opened up his Silver Sentinel suitcase. It was a long process, but thankfully, Wes was a bit busy shooting at Dr. Strange.
"Yo doc!" He yelled, when he finally joined the fight. "Can I help!"
"Tony!" Dr. Strange was angrier than usual. "I thought I told you not to come back to Superbridge!"
"Hey, I get drunk." He got ready to fire his repulser gauntlets. "Alright, let's take this to the next level!"
Tyber Zann shot three times, each aimed at the same joint of Tony's armor right in the abdomen. Tony felt the space where his Kidney used to be swell up in pain.
"… Ouch."
The pain that came next made him double over in agony. He briefly felt the sensation that he was being moved, before he blacked out.
When Tony woke up, he was with the others, and another guy in a trenchcoat and a strange mask that kept moving. Tony opened up his helmet. "What's going on?"
"Tony, this is Rorschach." Obi-wan gestured to the masked man. "Apparently, Tyber Zann's been running an inter-dimensional black market ring through the Superbridge."
"Hrmmm." Rorschach said.
Tony took a moment to think through the situation. "Am I dead?"
"We couldn't tell under that armor." Kenobi said. "But you sound pretty alive."
Tony's suit analyzed him. He flinched as the result came up, but if it came to it, he was pretty sure he could rig up another ARC reactor powered organ before he died. "How's the fight going?"
"We've brought in some allies." Rorschach said, in almost a growl. "We'll win."
"Okay." Tony nodded. "And how's Sanji?"
"Doctor's on the way."
"Well, that's just great." Tony got up, as an explosion rocked the room. "Do you think the doctor will survive getting here?"
"It's a Superbridge doctor." Rorschach said. No other explanation seemed forthcoming.
"Right. So, I'm going to go see whether they need any help."
"You're injured." Kenobi helpfully pointed out.
"Doesn't matter." Tony said. "I have a suit of armor and a missing kidney, and I am in the mood to kick some –"
He was interrupted as the door exploded inward. Pink energy ribbons shot out and trapped them all. The silver haired girl ran into the room, and erected a pink barrier where the door used to be.
"Nobody try anything funny, or I'll kill you!"
Tony groaned. He wasn't used to needing rescuing.
"I have hostages now Strange!" The girl yelled madly. She threw some rocks onto the ground, and they transformed into some sort of evil rock monsters.
"Charmcaster!"Strange yelled from inside. "You cannot run any more! Give up now!"
Out of the corner of his eye, Tony saw Rorschach slip out of his jacket and escape his pinks binds.
"Do you think I'm running!" She screeched. "Do you have any idea who we're working for! Our boss makes Mr. Rictus look like a kid playing in a sandbox! You're dead, you hear me Strange?"
"Do tell."
Rorschach moved quickly, and Tony was afraid he'd break her neck, but a quick karate chop to the back of the head was enough to bring her down.
The rock monsters were another problem. Rorschach moved between them quickly, making them hit each other when their attacks failed. Their attacks hurt each other more then they hurt Rorschach, who attacked one of them with a passion. Tony would never have guessed that any normal human could fight them, but Rorschach attacked with the reckless abandon of a madman. By the time Dr. Strange lowered the pink barriers and intervenes with the rest of the monsters, Rorschach's monster was shattered into several pieces, and his gloves were torn and his knuckles bloody.
Dr. Strange strode into the room, freeing everybody from their chains and demolishing the remaining rock monsters. "Are you all alright?" He asked.
"Yeah." Tony gasped. It started to get difficult to stay awake.
"Did Zann get away?" Rorschach asked.
"Yes." Strange said. "Him and Barbossa. The Fraternity as well. But luckily, we have Charmcaster. I appreciate your restraint Rorschach, now we have a lead that can talk."
"Hrmmm."
"Could somebody explain what just happened?" Kenobi asked.
"Tyber Zann is a criminal using the Superbridge to his own advantage." Dr. Strange explained. "He runs an arms dealership; taking weapons and mercenaries from their worlds, and selling them to the highest bidder on others. He sells weapons and tricks people into fighting on both sides of their world's major conflicts. You recall the daggers Bullseye used when he invaded S.H.E.I.L.D. Tony?"
Tony nodded darkly. How could he forget?
"The poison they used was from a land called Mordor. Stolen for him by Tyber Zann."
Tony gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. "Is this why you wanted me not to come here?"
"One of the reasons." Dr. Strange said. "There's more to Superbridge than meets the eye Tony. There's…" He stopped as he felt Rorschach's hand touch his shoulder. And instant later, a ninja wearing a white lab coat dropped from the ceiling.
"Never fear!" He called. "Dr. McNinja is heeere!" He moved swiftly, a stethoscope pressed against The Cheetah's chest faster then the eye could blink. "Hmmm… it seems like you're missing some kidneys."
"What clued you in Sherlock?" She snarled.
"They are here." The case full of kidneys floated in, riding on Dr. Strange's magic.
"Alright, this'll be a little cold." Dr. McNinja warned them. "So, while I'm operating, get some apology cake, since it's pretty obvious you're not satisfied with the dates Superbridge got you this time around."
"Yeah, because a cake makes me feel so much better about kidney theft." Tony growled.
But he still ate the cake. It was good cake.
Dalek Sec was perched upon a precipice in the Pottermore segment. He observed the comings and goings of the wizards, and muggles. They disgusted him. He felt rage just looking at him. They were poisoning the very air with their existence.
But strangely… Luna did not disgust him. She did not enrage him – well, not usually – and she did not make him fearful either – well, not usually.
Luna Lovegood… was so utterly alien to Sec. There were two categories for aliens – there were the aliens that disgusted the Daleks, made them want to burn everything simply out of spite, and of those there were many. Others, like The Oncoming Storm, made the Daleks feel fear, and of those there were few. Luna was neither of these things. Sec did not fear her, for she was not a Dalek. Nor did he feel anger towards her, for she was useful. She was like a magnificent lense to see the world through, much like the optical Nargle detector he continued to wear. She helped him clear things out and he… he cared for her. Much like he cared for his armor.
Dalek Sec liked that notion. It sounded right. She wasn't so alien then; just another part of him. A lense to see the world through. She was no alien, and he had no more obligation to hate or fear her then he had to hate or fear himself.
"DALEK SEC!"
Sec turned around. "DALEK CAAN! HAVE YOU COME TO REPORT!"
"YES." The other Dalek said. "I HAVE EXTERMINATED THE DATE THAT WAS SET UP FOR ME!"
Dalek Sec reminded himself that Daleks were incapable of sighing. "THE MISSION WAS TO LEARN FROM THE HUMANS! ARE YOU SO INCAPABLE OF CUNNING THAT YOU CANNOT DATE A FEMALE WITHOUT EXTERMINATING HER!"
"SHE WAS NOT A HUMAN, SHE WAS AN ELF!"
"IRRELEVANT! FULL REPORT NOW!"
"I WAS COMPROMISED! SHE CLAIMED SHE COULD SENSE DARKNESS IN MY HEART! AND WHILE I DO NOT HAVE A HEART, SHE WAS BEGINNING TO GET IRKSOME! THERE WAS NOTHING TO BE LEARNED FROM HER ANYWAY! I BELIEVE THIS MISSION IS A WASTE OF TIME!"
"THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE LEARNED DALEK CAAN!" Dalek Sec traced the path of a Luna Lovegood on the street, before coming to the conclusion it was not his Luna. "WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU TO OBEY SIMPLE ORDERS!"
"I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS!" Dalek Caan said. "I PRESUMED WHEN YOU STATED OUR MISSION WAS TO STUDY HUMANS, IT WOULD BE UNDER A MICROSCOPE!"
"I HAVE LEARNED MORE FROM MY HUMAN DATE, THEN I HAVE FROM ANY HUMAN UNDER A MICROSCOPE!" Dalek Sec said. "AND YOU ARE EMBARESSING THE DALEKS! NOW GO FIND A NICE HUMAN GIRL AND SETTLE DOWN WITH HER, OR SO HELP ME I WILL EXTERMINATE YOU!"
"I OBEY!" Dalek Caan beat a hasty retreat.
Dalek Sec observed his leave, and returned to watching the crowd.
"Dally!"
He turned. "GREETINGS LUNA LOVEGOOD! ARE YOU PREPARED FOR KARAOKE NIGHT!"
"Am I!"
Dalek Caan observed silently from the shadows as the two of them walked off. And he wondered, exactly what was it that his overseer was learning from the human girl?
A/N: My apologies to those who have read the previous chapters. Pease note that Dalek Sec is the name of the Dalek I originally meant to fall in love with Luna Lovegood, But I mixed him up with Dalek Caan. Only four Daleks have names, how I forgot them is anybody's guest. And don't worry, you'll get to see what it's like when a Dalek tried to karaoke, I'm just saving that scene for later. I've also changed the title of the story and it's categories, but those should be the only big changes. I think it's settled now.
So, Tyber Zann is the villain of the video game Star Wars Empire At War. His companions in blackmarketry are Charmcaster from Ben 10 and Captain Barbossa from Pirates Of The Caribbean. In this chapter, he's doing business with The Fraternity from the comic book Wanted. I hope you don't need me to tell you who Rorschach, Dr. McNinja, The Cheetah, or Obi-wan Kenobi are. But this alternate version of Obi-wan is a little different then your normal Obi-wan.
I must say, this has been fun to write. Especially the bits with Dalek Sec in them, which turn out romantic even though this is supposed to be a crackfic and Sec doesn't even feel love. I hope you all review and tell me what you think.
