GROWING TOGETHER
Post-Mockingjay; Katniss and Peeta back in District 12, as they piece together their lives.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.
CHAPTER THREE:
There is no sign of Peeta the next day. Or the day after that. Or for the rest of the week.
It isn't until a week and a half later that the smell of bread comes from his house again, and I come to the conclusion that he's finished with me.
I would say just as well, but the book lies open on the table where he last set it down. I walk past it every day, and I swear it calls to me, begging for completion. But I find that I can't move on without him. And to think I planned on doing it alone from the beginning.
My bread supply is dwindling, and Greasy Sae hasn't come around in a while. Things are improving for her in the town square. I suppose I should be happy, but all I can think about is how I'll have to go hunting eventually.
I hunt again the day after Peeta's house comes to life with the scent of baked goods. I bring home three squirrels – not too bad for someone getting into the swing of things again. At least, it's enough to bring one to Sae and to cook the rest in a stew. Hunting breathes new life into me and I make a mental note to tell Dr. Aurelius of this new development. My trips into the woods have been more overwhelming than anything else lately, so being able to hunt brings me to a state of mind a little closer to the former Katniss.
Not that I'll ever be the former Katniss again. But it's something.
With meat constantly in the house once more, I consider that perhaps I don't need Peeta anymore. I'll work on the book on my own, which was the plan to begin with.
My mind wanders to a reality where we end up leading separate lives. He'll find some kind girl, one who will eat his bread and cookies, who will accept and give kisses, who will spend every day telling him how much she loves him. They'll have beautiful, fat children with his eyes, his hair, and his kindness. And he'll never doubt his love for her, a love that was never clouded with tracker jacker venom.
Meanwhile, I'll live in Victor's Village, in the same area but in another world entirely. Who will I have? Perhaps Haymitch, if the alcohol doesn't wear him away early. I'll inherit his bitterness and maybe even his penchant for drink. My life will be spent wallowing and waiting for its end, flipping through the pages of my unfinished book searching for some unreachable closure. I've never needed much, anyway.
Some part of me secretly hopes that everything plays out this way, if only to spite everyone and everything around me. I'll die like anyone else, and not like the Mockingjay I once was.
Yet I can't deny the part of me that wishes for Peeta to knock on my door again. There are times that his absence feels akin to the time during his imprisonment in the Capitol, when he was so far away from me. I know it makes no sense to feel this way and live so close to each other, yet somehow the proximity has worsened the situation. How can he disregard me altogether when I can see him living his life from outside my window?
I'd love to say I could be the girl who could bear his children, who could live the kind of life he desires with him. But could I live in constant apprehension, wondering when his next flashback will happen? And could he accept my desire to never have children? These answers are unattainable. All I know at the moment is the pain of being so close yet so far away from him. We lasted two months before, yet now I doubt I'll last two weeks.
But I know myself too well, and I wonder how long my stubbornness will allow this separation to last.
I'm back to tending the primroses one morning when I hear him open and close his front door. Loudening footsteps lead me to understand that he's standing behind me.
I don't turn around.
"I have bread. And cheese buns," he says after a lingering silence. I almost laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. It's simple, yet it feels like a loaded statement.
Without looking up, I respond, "I don't need them. I've started hunting again. I can manage on my own now." It's petty, but satisfaction blooms inside me from not having been the first to make contact.
"Katniss," he says in a way that makes me resent my name. "Please."
I take a breath and set the watering can on the ground. I turn around and get a good look at him. He's standing there, his hair glowing in the noontime sunlight with an apologetic half-smile and a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese buns in his arms. There's something grumbling in my stomach, but whether it's hunger or something worse, I refuse to acknowledge it.
"You know, you don't need to bake for me anymore, Peeta." I make sure to place proper emphasis on his name. "I'm not your responsibility, so you can stop feeling like you need to take care of me. We're both getting back into the swing of things, and it might just be easier if we stop all of this. I'd really rather not be your burden."
I move to go back inside the house, but he stops me by extending his arms and the bread and buns toward me. His face is pleading now.
"Take them," he says softly but firmly. "I'm not going to stop giving you bread and I'm definitely not going to stop caring for you. And if anyone's the burden here, it's me. So go on, take them."
He holds them out even further.
Damn you, Peeta. Guilt overwhelms my senses to the point that I have no choice but to march up and grab the bread from him. For a moment, we just stare at each other, unwilling to break what we have between us right now. I'm sure I must look horrible to him right now, a mean thing with a combative and doubtful expression.
Suddenly, I'm aware of how nasty and unwelcoming I must look and I just heave a sigh, hoping that my expression has softened somewhat. I shake my head.
"You said you would see me again," I say. "You said that and then you waited two weeks. You can't leave but come by whenever you want to. That's not how it works, Peeta."
I'm surprised when he nods solemnly in agreement. He looks so broken right now.
"I had a nightmare that night," he explains, scanning the ground with his eyes. "It was kind of a bad one, and suddenly, I didn't know if it was safe to come here again. It took me this long to convince myself it was."
Everything inside me starts to hurt. Whether intentional or not, he always has a way of breaking me down in ways I can't anticipate. Now, I just want to hug him. But obviously, I don't.
"I don't know if it'll ever get better," he continues, and his voice starts to break a little. He keeps his glance away from my direction, but I can tell that his eyes are swelling with tears.
The sun beats down on us from its highest point in the sky. If I stay out here too long, my neck and arms will certainly burn. Though I've already been scorched by fire, I'd rather avoid the outcome. But with Peeta so close to the edge, I can't.
I move closer to him, albeit warily. With bread in one arm, I wrap the other around his shoulders, and I realize this is our first physical contact in a long time. His shoulders are familiar, muscled and broad. I must look silly comforting someone that looks like Peeta, but thankfully, no one is watching us. Unsupervised moments like these have been few and far between in the time we have known each other.
"I have nightmares, too, remember?" I say. It's meant to help, but I don't know if it does.
He sniffles, still in my half-embrace. "How does it get better?"
I'm not going to lie to him.
"It never really does. Some nights, I luck out and I have one night's sleep of complete dreamlessness. But even then, it's bittersweet with nothing pleasant to dream about in its place. It's always hard, and always very lonely."
As I say it, a thought pops into my head. Immediately, I want to banish it, but I give it a few seconds to gestate. I come to the conclusion that it's dumb to consider it at all. But Peeta needs this desperately, and I'm not so sure I'd be ashamed in admitting that I do, too.
"There was one thing that used to help," I say.
"What?"
"We used to sleep together. We'd sleep in the same bed, hoping that we wouldn't have nightmares anymore."
Peeta seems surprised by that, but not unconvinced. He raises his head and looks at me.
"Did that work?"
"Sometimes," I respond, still holding him. "Sometimes for both of us, sometimes for neither of us. But it was always…nice. It was comforting to have someone with you who could understand. I always felt bad because I would usually thrash and wake you. But you never woke me."
"Oh."
I wonder if I've held him too long. If so, it's getting to a point where our stance is becoming awkward, bordering on unwelcome. So I'm not sure what it is that compels me to say the next thing that comes out of my mouth.
"We can try it again," I suggest. "It might help with the nightmares."
I can tell that Peeta isn't expecting this. After all, how could he expect anything so intimate from the girl who couldn't kiss him?
"Really?"
I nod. "I miss it." And I realize that I'm not lying.
He's still surprised, but he says, "That would be nice."
"We can start tonight," I say, riding on the wave of my unexpected confidence. "If that works with you, I mean."
He doesn't say anything. He only nods.
I'm certain now that I've held him for too long. I let go of him and we share faint smiles. I sense trepidation in him, and I'll admit that doubts are starting to creep up on me. But I've already denied Peeta so much recently. And maybe for the first time since coming back to District 12, I'll be able to sleep without nightmares. At the very least, it'll be something familiar.
"I'll see you tonight then," I say.
AN: If you guys are worried that having them share a bed is making things move too quickly, don't worry! I feel the same way, and Katniss has (or will have!) the same concerns. I'm just of the mind that Katniss's dedication to helping Peeta, mixed with her conflicted feelings toward him, would ultimately cause her to blurt this out against her better judgment. But don't get to thinking that this means that falling in love is right around the corner again - because I like seeing them take their time. That being said, I'd love more feedback from you guys! You've been way too kind to me thus far!
