Title: Igneous Is Bliss
Characters: Beachcomber, Perceptor, Spike, OC
Content: Puns, bad geology jokes
This is for flesh_and_steel's April challenge, Bad Puns.
Notes: OK, I have a degree in geology. So does my beloved spouse. He also really likes puns. This is a challenge meant for us. I have written another pun-filled geology story, so I decided to add this as another chapter after that story. They are connected, after all.
Also, I KNOW scales are weird in G1. I'm pretending that they're not, that Perceptor and Soundwave do go down to normal sized microscopes and cassette players, and that mass shifting is part of their abilities.
Spike peered through Perceptor's scope as the microscope told him what he was looking at under magnification.
"…you can clearly see the hydrocarbon seepage from the pores of this poorly consolidated sandstone."
"Uh-huh," Spike muttered, "and you can smell it, too."
"Correct. The volatilization of the sample indicates a high preponderance of short hydrocarbon chains in the sample."
"But is it too light, Perceptor?" Spike wanted to know. He glanced up as Beachcomber came up, driven by one of the geologists for the company Spike worked for.
"No, my calculations, based upon the information you've provided, indicate that this hydrocarbon reserve is within acceptable bounds for the needs of your company, Spike."
"Good. Thanks, Perceptor," breathed Spike.
"Alright, then, Spike, thanks for bringing me out here." An unfamiliar voice interrupted them.
Spike looked up from Perceptor's eyepiece and acknowledged the voice, "You're welcome, Dave. What did you find?"
Dave came over to the table where Spike had Perceptor set up and opened his backpack. He pulled a couple of sample bags out and opened one of them up, spilling the rocks into his hands. He plucked the hand lens from his shirt pocket and put it up to his eye, looking at the rock.
"Well, this sample that I got from the outcrop indicates that the sandstone is possibly a good reservoir. It will depend upon the permeability at depth and the level of cementation and how that affects the porosity. Looking at it, however, it's a nicely sorted sandstone. We'll have to do a drilling program to acquire samples for evaluation." Dave put the rocks back in the bag and opened the other one.
"This is a sample of the shale underlying the sandstone. Oh, the sandstone has to have a seal of some sort to hold the hydrocarbons in place if the generation window is acceptable. I need to take these back to the lab to get an idea of the TOC of the shale, but it's nice and black, which usually indicates pretty high organic content. If it got buried deeply enough and got hot enough, it should have generated a decent amount of oil and gas. Anyway, I'm ready to head back to the lab and test these samples and then write this up so we can get an exploration rig out here to drill some sample holes for us, see if this area is a possibility for further exploration and eventually, development." Dave was much more talking to himself than to Spike, but Spike felt that he could contribute. After all, he was studying geology at the local college, hoping to improve himself enough to move up from the roustabout status he had and make more money.
"I, uh, brought a drill out here and took some samples myself, if you'd like to look at them," Spike said.
Dave looked at the table and noticed, finally, the small cored samples laid neatly out and the microscope. "Well, that was good thinking, Spike. Yes, I'd like to look. How did you get the drill into that little dune buggy of yours?"
"Just lucky that it's small. It's an experimental technology my dad's been working on," Spike said, glossing over the lack of a large drill. "It's, uh, in that backpack over there." He pointed to a larger pack leaning against the rocks. He didn't want to explain to Dave that he was out here with two Autobots, and that Beachcomber had drilled down using a tool in his arm and taken the core for Spike while Dave had been in the woods, scouting around. The backpack DID contain a drill, but it didn't work. Sparkplug would have to revisit the idea.
"A backpack drill? What will they come up with next?" Dave wondered. He bent over the microscope and adjusted the focus, peering at the sample Spike had cut from the small core. Dave pulled out his fieldbook and began making notations in it, muttering to himself as he did.
Spike moved away from the table and leaned against a rock next to Beachcomber while he waited. It was comforting to be near an Autobot, even if they couldn't reveal themselves around other people. Beachcomber felt warm and comfortable, and Spike found himself slipping into a relaxed mood that was just shy of napping.
Until the sound of jet engines screaming just above tree level brought him, swearing, to his feet, his eyes rapidly tracking the sound.
Starscream, Thundercracker, and Skywarp were hovering over the ocean, just out from the beach they were above.
"Damn!" Spike swore.
"What is it?" Dave asked, having been startled out of his own reverie by the loud noise.
"Shush!" Spike said, pulling Dave down next to him. He watched the planes intently, sidling around Beachcomber until he could reach the passenger compartment, then reaching in and pulling out a pistol.
"Uh…" Dave said.
"Shush, those planes are bad guys and I really don't want them to notice us." Spike whispered.
Eventually the planes rose and shot away. Spike dropped his head on the seat and let out a great gust of air.
"That was close," remarked Beachcomber.
"Indeed," Perceptor's voice said, "perhaps a little too close. Spike, are there oil seeps around here?"
"Uh, yeah, Perceptor, about half a mile north of here is a pretty famous seep."
"That would be why they're here. They're scouting energy reserves, just like we are," Beachcomber said.
"WHO IS TALKING?" Dave was scrambling back, away from them all, until his back ran into the outcrop. He started to move sideways along the rocks, trying to get away from them.
"Oh," Spike said, "sorry about that, let me introduce my friends. This," he laid his hand on the dune buggy, "is Beachcomber and this," he moved to the table and touched the microscope's barrel, "is Perceptor. Beachcomber is a geologist and Perceptor is a scientist."
"They talk," Dave said, "they're machines, Spike, and they talk."
"They're not machines, Dave! They're robotic organisms from another planet." Spike said.
Perceptor unfolded himself. Dave cowered against the rocks as the small microscope unfolded into a giant robot. Beachcomber unfolded, too, Spike taking a couple of steps away to give him room. Beachcomber was smaller than Perceptor, the top of his head coming to the center of Perceptor's chest. It was always impressive, seeing how much mass Perceptor folded away into various subspaces when he transformed into his alt-mode.
"I hope I'm not intruding," Perceptor began.
"This is sedimentary deposition, Perceptor, no igneous rocks right here, so you can't be an intrusion," Beachcomber replied smartly.
Dave choked.
Spike turned and glared up at both Autobots. "Enough of the puns!"
"Ah, sorry, my fault," Beachcomber said.
"No, no, it's mine, I agate all confused. Sorry, Spike, we'll crater to your wishes." Perceptor said.
"They…they do puns." Dave managed to say.
"Yeah, they do, and it's a real pain to get them to stop." Spike told him.
"Sorry, Spike, they just sort of…slickensides out." Beachcomber's visor was twinkling with his mirth.
"Argh, I'm being basaulted by unearthly puns. They're coming like a landslide now, that's fissure!" Perceptor said, his face still serene, although his optics were alight with his own merriment.
Spike dropped his face into his hands. "Dave, Perceptor, Perceptor, Dave. Dave, Beachcomber, Beachcomber, Dave."
"So delightful to meet you," Perceptor said, bowing slightly toward Dave, "shale we continue our investigations?"
"Dave, gneiss to meet you!" Beachcomber said right after Perceptor.
Dave gaped at them all, then began to laugh. At first, it was just chuffs and heaves of air, but quickly he slid down the rock until he was on the ground, peals of laughter ringing out from him. Eventually, his laughter calmed down.
Then Beachcomber, who had been waiting for this opportunity, said, "We may talk tuff, but really, we're all wacke."
Perceptor fired right back, "That was marble-ous, Beachcomber. Did it take you an entire era to come up with that?"
"No, I have an entire lode of geology puns," Beachcomber said.
"Geologists do it…" Perceptor said.
"…because they have to grabben the opportunity!" Dave broke in.
"Exactly! We can keep it up until we get horst." Beachcomber grinned at the geologist.
"And we'll never lost our luster," Dave responded
"Until we've made the earth quake." Perceptor slid in.
Spike was laughing, too, and said to Dave, "You don't really need to encourage them."
Dave was climbing to his feet and responded, "Yes, but this has been an oolite-ful experience for me."
"Oh, Dave, you'll felsite right in with us." Beachcomber shot back.
"As fun as throwing geology puns around can be, we need to get out of here," Spike said, looking over the ocean uneasily.
At that reminder of the narrow escape they'd had, they all began to pack up. Beachcomber folded down into his dune buggy form, while Spike finished laying out the cores in the special boxes. Perceptor carried the boxes over to Beachcomber and stowed them in the back. Spike folded the table and brought it over to Beachcomber, putting it on top of the core boxes. Perceptor laid Spike's backpack on top, then folded down into his microscope form and Spike tucked him in between the backpack and his jacket. Dave put his backpack in and climbed into the passenger seat, while Spike swung into the driver's seat.
"OK, Beachcomber, let's go!" Spike said.
Beachcomber backed out from between the rocks and then headed down the faint track to the small, two-lane road they'd followed to come down here.
"Hey, Spike, do you think we have time to stop in town and get a bite to eat before we head back?" Dave asked.
"Yeah, Dave, we do. Days like this really work up my apatite, you know?" Spike answered.
Laughter trailed behind them as the pun(ic) wars continued…
The end!
Some of the jokes I DIDN'T use:
"These puns are all clastics!"
"I wouldn't want to gypsum you of some of the best puns."
"You should go to prism for that bad a pun!"
"This hasn't been metamorphosed." "How do you know?" "No schist."
"Geologists don't wrinkle, they just show lineation." (which would work really well for Beachcomber!)
