The Hardest Thing is Trusting Yourself
By: Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles
Chapter 3: Coming Clean
Casey sighed, eyes opening slowly, as her ankle began to throb. She sat up wincing. She groaned.
Olivia was fast asleep, oblivious to anything going on, a rare thing as she was normally fully awake as soon as Casey even moved. Her arms were splayed out and she was snoring softly.
Casey repositioned herself, but she was so stiff. She kissed Olivia's cheek carefully getting off of the couch, but she fell back onto the couch with a thud. "OUCH!"
Olivia woke with a start, sitting up, hand moving to her hip without thinking, until she realized the noise had come from Casey. "What happened? Are you alright?"
She winced, wiping her eyes and shaking her head. "I was going to get up to go to the bathroom, but it still really hurts to put pressure on it!"
"You should have woken me up, I...wait, I actually slept through all the moans and groans you make waking up? God." Olivia lay back for a second.
"Yeah, you did, but I just can't move. I wish I could. I feel like...like I'm not worthy enough for you. You shouldn't have to take care of me."
"You're more use to me sitting down. You can do my ironing, fix my socks, organize my paperwork...I think I could get used to it." Olivia stood up, helping Casey up and towards the bathroom.
Casey sighed, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, like I'm the perfect domestic type."
"I don't know, I think you'd look pretty good in an apron." Olivia opened the bathroom door.
Casey sighed, hobbling into the bathroom. "Seriously, you don't expect take care of me 24/7? I can take care of myself."
"Case, you've only hurt your foot. It's going to heal. You'll be ok soon enough. Just relax."
Casey finished up in the bathroom and limped back out. "Now what?"
"A dance?" At Casey's expression, Olivia's smile faded and she held out her arm to help her back to the couch. "I can make breakfast?"
Casey nodded. "Please do. Will you let me help you pick out the rest of the furniture when I'm feeling better?"
"As long as it's not pink. Or flowery." Olivia looked dubiously down at Casey's flowery couch.
Casey nodded. "Deal, now about breakfast...?"
"You've got..eggs, bread, one tomato...a funny looking vegetable that I think may be a mushroom, and maple syrup. Baring in mind I'm a cop, not a chef, what do you feel like?"
"We...could go out?"
"Oh, thanks for the vote of confidence, Miss Novak!"
Casey laughed. "I'm sorry, Liv! But, as you said, you're no chef. I just thought that would be easier on you."
Olivia sat down next to her with a huff, crossing her arms in a rather Elliot manner. "Where do you want to go then?"
Casey put her arm around her. "I'm sorry, okay, really! Where would you like to go?"
"I'll remember this next time you cook."
Casey sighed, retracting her arm. "Fine. I was just trying to be friendly. What do you want to do?"
Olivia reached across and dropped a kiss to Casey's cheek. "You go and get changed. I'll think of somewhere that won't be too busy and has access for people with one leg."
Casey grabbed her crutches and limped to her bedroom. She pulled a pair of jeans from her closet and a flowy top and pulled them on, falling onto her side in trying to pull her jeans up. She groaned, trying to get up, but couldn't. "Liv!" she yelled. "Help!"
Olivia came in quickly, but then slowed when she saw what had happened before crawling on all fours over Casey, dropping a kiss to her nose. "Hot."
Casey smiled, but sighed. "Thanks, but I could really just a hand up here."
"Oh, you mean you're not spread-eagled on the bed because you want me? Ha, that's never happened to me before."
Casey smiled. "I do want you, but I'd rather it was in our apartment. Can it be?"
"Might be a little uncomfortable considering there is no bed." Olivia sat back, then stood, helping Casey to her feet and holding most of her weight as she finished pulling her jeans on.
"Well, there's a couch..."
"We fall off a king bed, Case. I don't like our chances on a couch. Especially with your foot. Are you ready?"
She pouted. "Okay, but can we go there anyway? Afterwards? Just to go there? To be with you."
"You mean after the breakfast I actually offered to cook you that you'd prefer was made by someone else?" Olivia gave her a teasing smile before kissing the top of her head.
"I'm sorry, sweetie!" she said kissing her cheek. "By all means, if you'd like to cook for me..."
"No way, not now. I'm taking you to the greasiest place in town and I'm gonna get steak and you're going to have to kiss me afterwards."
Casey looked only slightly disgusted, but smiled. "Well, alright. Where to?"
Half an hour later, true to her word, they sat in one of the greasiest cop cafes Casey had ever seen. Olivia seemed to know everyone and they kept getting interrupted. However, much as she tried to look disgusted, she was quite enjoying her breakfast.
Casey sat up straighter, pushing a piece of bacon around on her plate with her fork that had remnants of scrambled egg on it, looking at Olivia who seemed interested in everyone else except her. She sighed, causing Olivia to look at her. "I would kick you to get your attention, but I'm too afraid you'll kick my bad foot."
"Sorry. Is the food ok?"
She nodded. "Better than I expected. Liv, I don't care how much Elliot warned me not to ask, are you positive you want to do this? We don't have to discuss it here in detail."
Olivia dropped her eyes, avoiding them when Casey tried to catch her once more. "I'm sure."
Casey nodded, finishing up as the waitress took their plates and refilled their coffee cups. "Is there anything specific I should know about you before this happens?" she asked, somewhat, hesitantly. "Not about that. I'm talking you in general."
Olivia looked at her, directly, for several seconds, then dropped her head again. "I don't know. Like what?'
"Like...like...actually, I really don't know. This thing, Olivia, it's driving me crazy because I think I'm going to say the wrong thing and...then you might not want me around anymore. I-it may seem childish, but I can't help it."
"I'm not...used to people being around so often..for so long. Maybe I just don't deal with it well. I'm used to being on my own. But I do want you around. Always."
She bit her lip. "Can we go?"
Olivia nodded, helping her up. After a moment's hesitation, she gave her a gentle kiss on the lips.
Casey wrapped her arms around her, leaning into her after she pulled away. Part of her wanted to ask Olivia that if she really loved her, how could she not let her help her? How was she able to keep this dark memory locked away for so long without it ever being unearthed, but she knew she'd get the chance to ask. It just would never be here. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you more," Olivia said softly before leading her to a waiting cab.
She smiled on the outside, but it didn't reach into her heart as it usually did. "What now?"
"To ah...our place?"
She smiled wider, hugging her around the middle as the cab took off. "I-I'm sorry about yesterday. I probably should've kept what I knew to myself."
"It's fine. I'm sure I would have told you eventually. It's just...not that nice to talk about, you know?"
She nodded. "I know, but I just kinda feel...left out. I don't blame you for not telling me, but if it hurts you that badly, shouldn't I, at least, be able to try to make you feel better? I'm sure its tough, but I just want to be with you."
Olivia bit her lip, looking out the window, then towards the cab driver, before looking towards Casey. "I have a lot of...things that are hard to talk about. I don't want to burden you with them...and I don't want you to see me differently because of them."
"But you're still the same person, Olivia. The one I love. Those types burdens can get very heavy. I want to be able to love you for who you are, every bit of you."
"It's all very easy to say that when you don't know everything about me, but when you do, you'll leave."
Casey hugged her tighter. "No, I won't. I want to know every little thing about you. I want to be with you, no matter what. I'll kiss away every tear and never let go of you, Olivia, I love you."
Olivia buried her head in Casey's hair and whispered softly, "I wish I could believe that."
Casey sighed, knowing she was on the verge of tears. H-how could she not believe her? "D-do you honestly love me?" she asked, knowing her tears were cascading. "Olivia, look at me. I'm not crying of what you will tell me. I'm upset because of what you won't." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'd do anything for you. Can't you see that?" she said, pulling away from her to make a point when all she wanted to do was hold on and never let go.
Olivia couldn't bring herself to look at her, terrified of what she'd see in her eyes.
Casey reached for her hand, but when she couldn't find it, she laid her head against the opposite door as the cab rolled to a stop.
Olivia sniffed, wiping her tears, before silently paying the cab driver before climbing out. Walking around to the curbside, she took a deep breath before opening Casey's door.
Casey, not fully realizing what had just taken place, half fell into Olivia's legs. She refused to meet her eyes, knowing she couldn't stop crying. She reached her arms out as Olivia picked her up and carried her inside.
Once inside the apartment, Olivia sat Casey on the couch, but instead of sitting next to her, she sat in front of her and went to take her hands.
"Please," she whispered, "please hold me and don't let go. Y-you don't have to talk. Where in the hell is all this pain coming from? It's like I'm breaking! Please!" she whimpered, falling forward.
Olivia held her close for a long time in silence, but then, very slowly, started telling her about her life. Some things Casey knew, other things she'd heard as rumors, but a lot of things made her tears fall faster, for all the pain Olivia had had to go through.
Casey was shaking so badly she could barely speak, hardly able to register when Olivia lifted her into her arms and sat where Casey just had, holding her tighter. She shook her head. "I-I'm s-s-so sorry!" she cried, soaking her shirt. "I-I wish I c-could've done something!"
"It's ok, I'm ok now. I have you."
"B-but everything, just s-so much!"
"Everyone goes through tough things in life...Casey, calm down. Please don't be so upset."
"Why not?" she whispered. "And how are you so calm? You said this stuff would keep us apart. Or did you lie?"
"I'm just...shocked. No one had ever..responded like that when I've spoken about it. I just...you haven't left. I told you everything, and you haven't left."
"Well, I gave my word that I wouldn't. Hey Liv? The fight? Can I ask?"
"..What about it?"
Casey was silent for a few minutes in thought. "...What did she say that pissed you off? Just as an example so I can avoid it, please?"
Olivia was quiet for a while, then Casey realized she was crying, but just as she was about to tell Olivia she didn't need to tell her, she began talking. "She said my job...she said the victims wouldn't want help from me because I was born from a rape and I was just going to end up like my father, and I was probably getting off on what they were telling me. She could be mean but that...I could turn into him and that terrifies me. And she knew it did."
Casey reached up kissing away one stream of tears as another began. "Liv, you're not like that. You want to help them. To some extent, you know where they're coming from. I believe it does terrify you because you don't know him, have never even met him..."
"What if he was fine and then all of a sudden started thinking about it? What if he was a cop? What if he worked in sex crimes?"
Casey wrapped her arms around her. "But he could be everything she always said. You know what to look for as far as tendencies go. I've never seen anything of the sort in you, nor do I ever expect to. You're a wonderful, caring, strong, smart, sexy, Empathic woman who I'd never run from." She traced circles on Olivia's cheek, catching tears as they fell. "I love you."
"But what if..you love me and then I change? Will you leave?"
Casey shook her head. "What do you believe? Not what you want. What do you believe?"
Olivia looked at her, studied her face like she never had before, taking in all the emotions she was showing, before burying her head in her shoulder once more. "I love you."
Casey smiled. "And I love you. That's why I don't want us to be apart because of this. Olivia, as long as you have control, you'll never be like him. And when you don't," she whispered into her ear, "there are ways to fight it. Ways that I think we'll both love."
Olivia nodded, wiping her tears away.
"I will never let you turn into a monster, I promise..."
Olivia squeezed her hand and managed a smile.
"Hey, I need a favor," Casey said, pushing Olivia's dark hair behind her ear. "And I need you to trust me."
Olivia nodded
Slowly, Casey leaned in, inches away from her lips. "Kiss your fears away."
Casey's hand cane up to rest under Olivia's chin as she felt her hesitate. She pulled away only slightly. "I know you probably feel like doing anything else right now and that's fine. I'll stop if you really want me to," she said capturing her lips again, biting Olivia's bottom lip as she whimpered. "Shh," she whispered, "don't be afraid. It's me. This is what I want, to be with you. Is that so bad?"
Olivia captured her lips again, saying her name quietly, but then moved to rest her head on Casey's shoulder once more. "Thank you."
She smiled. "I love you. Will you be willing to try this a little later on? I don't want it at yours or mine. Ours is much more special to me."
Olivia nodded then sat up, taking a deep breath. "Tomorrow...we could go furniture shopping?
"Sure, but how about a couples kisses here before then?"
"How about sleeping bags in front of the fire and a sleepover?"
Casey pursed her lips, a finger to her chin. "Mmm, alright, but you have to let your guard down. Otherwise you won't have fun."
"Deal."
Author's Note: So? What do you think?
Warning: The next chapter will bump this story into M-rated category as far as sexual content, so if you don't like it, please stay away.
After that, there may be one last chapter.
Please read & review!
Review thanks to: starie78, Bommiej & BAD ASS BENSON
Liv-x-Lex4Ever & E. Scribbles
