In My Time of Dying

(In hospital)

(Dean wakes up)

Dean: Hello? What? Hello? What? Is this like 28 Days Later or some shit?

Tessa the Reaper: HEEEEEEELLLLPPPPPP!

Dean: Oh look. You're human, so you must obviously be a ghost like me. I mean, not like I've met creatures in human form before.

Tessa: You're kinda cute. Wanna come to the Dead?

Dean: What? You're not human?

Sam: (To John) YOUR SON IS DYING AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT THE COLT!

(John and Azazel)

John: Can you heal my son, even though I know you demons love death and destruction for your own sakes, if I go to Hell?

Azazel: What? You want your son to be healed, but you don't want to spend any time with him? What kind of father are you?

(Azazel possesses Tessa)

Azazel: It's your lucky day, kid!

(Dean wakes up, John bites the dust)

Everybody Loves a Clown

Rakshasa: They all float down here, y'know!

Little girl: Look daddy, a pedophilic clown!

Dad:

Dean: Now let's meet Ellen and her daughter Jo, two complete strangers we've never met or heard of before.

(Later)

Dean: Why thanks Ellen. Apparently it's a Rakshasa. An Indian demon. They sleep on a bed of insects.

Rakshasa: They all float down here!

Dean: Yes, we know that by now.

Rakshasa: I am the eater of worlds, and children! I am eternal, child! And you're next!

Dean: (Stabs it with a brass knife)

Bloodlust

(A direct rip-off from Twilight)

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Random guy: I guess I'll resurrect my girlfriend as a mindless cannibal.

Sam: A zombie.

Angela the revenant: Since I can speak, I'm more of a revenant.

Dean: (Shoots her)

Dean: What's dead should stay dead.

Simon Said

Ansen Gallagher: (To businessman) Simon says... Rob a gunstore.

(Attempt fails)

Ansen: Simon says... Get run over by a bus.

(Attempt works)

Ansen: Simon says... Soak yourself in oil and burn yourself to death.

(Attempt works)

Ansen: Simon says... Throw yourself off a dam. Damn!

(Attempt fails; Ansen is shot)

No Exit

Dean: Let's put Jo's life in danger by taking her to an obviously haunted tower block. I mean Jo is a complete stranger.

Jo: (fiddling with her dead dad's knife)

Dean: WILL YOU STOP FIDDLING WITH THAT KNIFE?

Jo: (Hands it with the obvious inscription to him)

Sam: Damn Dean, did you do any history lessons?

HH Holmes: I'm back from the dead fellas! OH SHIT NOT SALT I'M ALLERGIC TO THE STUFF! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

The Usual Suspects

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Find my gulllp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Killer find gulpp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Claire's ghost: Your boyfriend k gulppp!

Officer Diana: The usual suspects.

Sam: Listen lady, just shut up for a moment will you?

Crossroad Blues

Crossroad demon: ...And then they formed the band called Tenacious D, and they found the Pick of Destiny!

Dean: Call off your dog, bitch, and I'll sell my soul.

Crossroad demon: It's fucking insane!

Croatoan

Max Brooks: Think of a zombie, as a walking, biting, guided missile.

(28 Days Later ripoff)

Hunted

Sam: So, what did Dad tell you before he died?

Dean: ...He said to kill you if you fucked up shit.

Sam: ...I forgive you.

(Leaves looking for the Paranormal People)

Ava: Forgive me if I freak you out, but I saw you die in my dream!

Sam: You're hot, come with me.

Gordon Walker, vampire hunter: ...What sort of sick son of a bitch would you have to be to turn against your own race? So I take pleasure in doing this despite saying I did not. I've concoted the best way to kill Sam... by blowing him up.

(Sam blows his shoes up)

Gordon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Sam: No, look, I've dealt with Gordon.

(Gordon's arrested)

(Uber-PWN)

Playthings

(Ripoff of The Shining's Overlook Hotel)

Psycho ripoff, 'xcept with dolls

Nightshifter

Ronald Reznick: Did I mention I look like Jack Black? Plus I'm convinced this eye thingy means our suspect is a mandroid.

Dean: There's no such thing. We are posing as FBI, after all.

Ronald: There's no such thing either. You're with the Men in Black!

Sam: Now, listen here...

Ronald: SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!

(In bank)

Ronald: IN THE BANK, ALL OF YOU! DESPITE MY ACTIONS, THIS IS NOT A RAID! DESPITE THE FACT I HAVE A GUN, I'M NOT KILLING ANYONE, APART FROM THE MANDROID!

Dean: I've been telling you all along, it's a shapeshifter.

Shapeshifter: I've taken on a woman's form just to confuse you.

Dean: I shot your brother in St Lois, and I'll kill you too!

Shapeshifter: You're nuts. Plus, the cops are outside. You're dead.

Dean: If the cops are girls, that's awesome.

(Shoots shapeshifter)

Houses of the Holy

Girl: An angel told me to kill, so I killed. I just blindly follow orders even though I am not a soldier.

Father Gregory's Ghost: Murder in my name, Sam! I am an angel!

Sam: No you're not. Men can't be angels.

Father Gregory: I must be.

Sam: I call upon Archangel Raphael to eat this salt!

Father Gregory: NO! NOT SALT!

(Vanishes)

Born Under a Bad Sign

(Sam kills hunter)

(Sam goes beserk and eats raw meat)

Dean: You're possessed.

Sam: (to Jo) Your dad was shot by my dad. For some reason he was already shot by cops when my dad shot him. For some reason I know all this and haven't told you before.

Dean: That's cos you're possessed!

Meg/Sam: Remember me? I have lots of names.

Dean: ...Meg. I remember you even though there's no reason I should.

Meg/Sam: I'm not Meg anymore. I will never tell you my real name.

Dean: Christo!

Meg/Sam: That doesn't work. I don't give a shit about the Apocalypse. That can suck balls. I can now bind myself to my human body!

Dean: I'll stab you then!

Meg/Sam: You kill me... you kill Sam.

Dean: I will kill you... I will not kill him!

(Meg is exorcised)

Dean: Dude, you had a girl in you for a week.

Tall Tales

Gabriel: Heh heh, due to the impossibly slow thoughtless writing of this series, I am actually the Archangel Gabriel, but whaddya know, you'll never find out until an episode before my death!

Bobby: Quit bickering on like an old couple. Aliens don't exist. It's a trickster, dumbass. A Pagan god.

Dean: Like Anansi?

Sam: Like Brer Rabbit?

Fat Charlie: Like Anansi Boys?

Gabriel: I like you, Dean. Like my sexy hallucinations?

Dean: ...Not bad. (Stabs Gabriel)

Dean: ...Now let's get the Hell out before they find this corpse.

Bobby: You're just leaving the corpse there?

Gabriel: ...But they never know I can replicate myself!

Roadkill

Molly: HELP!

Sam: I don't think she even knows she's dead.

Dean: I hate you, Moll. You're a ghost so you're evil.

Molly: I'm not a ghost!

Sam: Ghosts aren't evil. They're just confused.

Molly: Where's my hubby?

Sam: He's alive.

Molly: (Sees him with another woman) Guess I'm dead after all.

(walks into the Afterlife)

Dean: ...My dad used to say that was the death of ghosts.

Heart

(Werewolf attack)

Madison: I'm Miss Normal. I have no lunatic tendencies.

Sam: You're smart, so if (Transformers line here) Trent's such a jerk, why do you hang out with him?

Madison: ...You know what, I'm just going out to walk.

Dean: Her boyfriend's a werewolf, y'know.

Madison: Look, Sam, do you think... do you think I'm shallow?

Sam: No, no. I think... (another Transformers line) I think there's a lot more to you then meets the eye.

Madison: (Transforms into werewolf) Bite me.

Sam: ! (Shoots her)

Hollywood Babylon

Trailer: They never forgive... they never forget... And now this summer, they are back again to finish the job... again... From the director of Monster Truck, Charlie's Angels etc...

(Ghost kills guy)

(Actress screams)

Actor: Now that's what I'm talking about!

Dean: I want to dip in the jacuzzi. That's why we came to LA

Sam: Not exactly swimming pool weather, Dan?

Dean: (Looks at him quizzically)

(Later)

Sam: A girl committed suicide in the 1930s by jumping off the ''H'' in ''Hollywood.''

Dean: Talk about dramatic.

Folsom Prison Blues

Dean: Let's get ourselves arrested to investigate some ghost.

Sam: Out of all the insane things we've done, this is by far the craziest.

Dean: Let's make cupcakes.

(Prisoner killed)

Dean: ...And now I feel bad about kicking his ass after he beat you up, Sammy.

(Find corpse of ghost and burn it)

What Is and What Should Never Be

Djinn: No, not a demon, but an alternate reality. (Zaps Dean)

Dean: Lucky mojo, baby, I've got a family! My mum's alive! HEY, BITCH, WHAT DID YOU USE TO SAY TO ME BEFORE I WENT TO BED?

Mary: Angles were watching over you.

Dean: Shit, man, I'm not living the dream. Right planet, wrong universe.

Married Sam: Whass wrong, brother?

Dean: We don't get along for some reason.

Djinn: Time to wake up now.

Dean: (Kills it)

All Hell Breaks Loose

Part One

Sam: WTF? Oh shit I can't even go into a cafe without being abducted by demons.

Dean: Where the fuck is Sam? Bobby, look, you gotta help!

Ash: Hey, I have some info for you! Come on over!

(They get there, house is blown up and Ash is dead. His burned hands are in the ruins - maybe a reference to Evil Dead II?)

Dean: Shit.

Bobby: This just gets better and better.

Sam: Where the fuck am I now?

Jake: It's a town so haunted everybody fled.

Ava: Then what are we doing here?

Sam: You were possessed by a demon and killed your hubby, you know that.

Lilly: I killed my girlfriend!

Andy: Aw cool... a lesbian.

Lilly: Fuck you! This is not my problem! I'm out of here!

Acheri demon: Not on my watch.

(Kills her)

Sam: Just so you know... that's a demon.

Jake: I went to sleep in Afghanistan, if that makes you any better.

Azazel: Sorry to interrupt your little union party, but can I speak for a moment, Sammy?

Sam: No-one calls me that but Dean!

Azazel: I want you to bring about the Apocalypse.

Sam: ...How?

Part Two

Bobby: DIE YOU BITCH! Oh shit, it's Ellen.

Ellen: Thank God I found you, despite the fact you were about to kill me! Anyway, I had some demons chasing me.

Dean: Hellhound on your tail?

Ellen: (Stares at him)

Bobby: Sam's at a ghost town. For all we know he could be a ghost.

Azazel: I have big plans for you Sam, you and all the children like you.

Sam: Cut the crap and let's get started with us psychics all killing each other.

Ava: (Kills Andy)

Ava: (Screams)

Ava: (Acts innocent)

Ava: (Killed by Jake)

Jake: (Kills Sam)

Dean: OK, Crossroads demon, come and let me make a deal with the Devil!

Crossroads demon: I'll give you a year, one year, and Sam's back right now.

(Sam's back right now)

Sam: I want to kill Jake!

Azazel: Now Jake, you can cross that railway line that Samuel Colt made himself to keep out demons. It all boils down to Mr Colt, doesn't it? As I'm a demon, I cannae cross. Shoot me, Jake. This gun, the Colt, is the only thing that can kill me!

Jake: (tries to, nothing comes out)

Jake: ...OK, I'll open the gate of Hell.

(Does so)

Sam: Jake, you've opened the gate of Hell. Hope you're happy.

Jake: I killed you, you son of a bitch.

Sam: (Shoots Jake)

Bobby: Oh shit... it's Hell. Take cover, now!

(Gate unlocks)

WTF BOOM!

(Demons explode out)

Azazel: I'm really proud of you, Sammy. You're the strongest.

Dean: Suck it, you bastard. (Shoots Azazel dead)

John's ghost: Hi kids. (Goes to Heaven)

(Bobby closes gate of Hell)

Dean: I have a year to live Sam.

Sam: Fuck this. It's a crap job and the pay is shit.