To Starfleet Control ,
Over the past six months, crewman Cooper has become increasingly disturbed we would like for you to check these reports my first officer has handed into me
June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them on peoples work stations
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks on the ship to go off at 5-minute intervals
July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an Ensign and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in engineering. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the sickbay and gave m&m's out to patients saying they were magical pills that could cure anything.
September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the botany department and told other crewmembers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the storage.
September 23: When another fellow security officer asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the armoury, he asked a lieutenant where the antidepressants were in the sickbay.
December 3: Darted around the ship suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the engineering department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
December 18: Hid in an ensigns clothing rack in her quarters and when she went to change, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
December 23: Went into the conference room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour on board the Enterprise or possibly in Starfleet. We respectfully request you remove him from his position at once.
Regards, Captain James .T. Kirk
