Ron fretted throughout all of divination. He must have misread the second and third points on his first glimpse because he would never had agreed had he known this was on the table. This sort of thing could get him expelled or worse!
In his mind, he heard Hermione's voice rattle off a list of reasons why he shouldn't kiss Trelawney and then proposition her for… other activities, but he knew he had to. There was too much at stake. He would just have to do it really quickly before she knew what was happening.
From the corner of the divination room, he watched the professor cavorting around, overdramatically declaring the imminent death of someone in their very classroom (probably Harry) and tried to imagine locking lips with her.
He did not find the imagery pleasant.
He cast his mind to one particularly worrying term used: 'sloppy make outs'.
What did that mean? What made something 'sloppy'? Was it a certain amount of saliva spilt? How much?
These questions were horrifying to contemplate and Ron's mind drifted elsewhere to a world of slobber, old dry lips and awkwardly worded sex proposals.
He suddenly snapped back to his classroom when Harry pointedly hit him in the ribs. A large pair of eyes were fixated on Ron, as well as those of the rest of the classroom.
"What?" asked Ron rather dumbly.
"I asked you Mr Weasley," began Professor Trelawney with an impatient flourish of her hand, "whether you had seen anything of interest in Harry Potter's tea leaves? I am quite sure you would have seen something… grim no doubt."
Ron quickly glanced at the cup, trying with little success to peer into the cup. At his present angle, this was near impossible so he made a guess.
"Oh well I think… I saw… the Grim? Yeah, the Grim. Harry's toast, he's going to cark it any day now. Completely screwed."
He snatched the cup and pointed at the leaves within, "Yeah you see? Right there. That sort of oblong… thing right there."
"Ron," whispered Harry angrily, "that's your cup you twit!"
An idea suddenly occurred to Ron. He waved Trelawney closer to the cup.
"And you see this here? I'm pretty sure that's a thick, veiny horse cock. You can see in practically dripping in anticipation and trepidation, look at it unfurling. Its borderline pornographic isn't it Professor?"
Trelawney's eyes expanded so rapidly and so largely that Ron thought certain for a moment that they had exploded. She began to tremble with fury.
"Mr Weasley," she said flourishing her arms wildly and in all directions, "that may be the most outrageous-! most heinous-! most non-triumphant thing I have ever heard uttered in my classroom! You will stay behind after class and we will have severe words about your behaviour. Consequences will never be the same!"
She stormed off angrily. In the corner of his eye, Ron saw Seamus and Dean signal thumbs up at him, barely concealing their laughter. He also saw Lavender and Parvati who looked like they were fit to murder him.
"What the hell was that about," muttered Harry under his breath, "You've been acting weird since that deal with Mrs Norris. Why are you suddenly such a spaz?"
Ron sighed heavily, "Hey Harry, can you do me a favour?"
"Yeah, what?" began Harry warily.
"Would you be able to distract Hermione throughout the rest of this week? Keep her in the common room as much as possible?"
Harry looked confused.
"Sure I guess I can. What's all this about? What do you mean 'distract' her? Are you planning something? Does this have anything to do with Mrs Norris?"
Ron shook his head frustratedly, "Can you just trust me on this one? Please?"
"Fine, whatever, I'll do it," sighed Harry, "but when this is all over you better explain everything."
"After this week, you'll find out one way or another," noted Ron grimly.
He farewelled Harry as the rest of the class departed. It was just him and Trelawney alone together.
Ron suddenly broke into a sweat.
"Well Mr Weasley, here we are," smiled Trelawney, "Alone at last."
"'Alone at last' Professor?" laughed Ron nervously.
"Oh relax Ron. I know why you are here. I have foreseen it in my mind's eye."
Sweat trawled heavily down Ron's neck.
"You… know?" he squeaked.
"Of course I know my dear! I always know. It's my profession."
"Then you know I'm being coerced here," quizzed Ron nervously, "you know that this is totally against my will?"
Trelawney chortled merrily, "Oh my dear boy, you don't have to deny it! You aren't the first to fall prey to my charms!"
"I- wait what?"
"It's okay I understand Mr Weasley. You fancy me. You view me as one of your 'MILF's. You'd like to 'tap that' so to speak. Am I right?"
Ron blanched. This was not a conversation he wanted to have.
"I'm flattered Ron. It's gratifying to know you view me in that way."
Ron wished she would shut up; this was going so awfully, this was just-
"But of course we can never be together Ron! I'm much too old for you and frankly, you're a little too young for-"
Filled with panic, horror, embarrassment and an intense wish to end it all, Ron launched onto Trelawney and locked lips with her, careful to spill saliva and be as 'sloppy' as possible. It was unspeakably awful.
He closed his eyes, trying not to picture Trelawney's lips and try to imagine they were much younger and belonged to someone else, a girl with-
Withdrawing as quickly as possible from her newly moistened lips, he blurted out the proposition as quickly as possible.
"Hey-babe-oh-god-what-am-i-saying-do-you-want-to-head-back-to-my-room-for-a-session-of-hot-and-steamy-love-making? oh-whats-that? you-dont? oh-well-i-accept-your-decision-lets-never-speak-of-this-again-sound-good? okay-cool."
"I'm sorry what?" asked Trelawney incredulously, a look of absolute shock on her face. She evidently hadn't foreseen that.
"Should've listened the first time I said it," said Ron with great conviction.
He had technically fulfilled the terms of his contract. He has kissed her and proposed that they… do the stuff.
Well look it didn't say anywhere that she had to accept or even understand what he was saying. He hadn't dropped dead so he can't have failed.
He grabbed his books and without another look at Trelawney, he fled the room.
He didn't look back once.
To Be Continued…
