Ron went back to his bed and slept for what felt like at least a week. When he awoke, he was groggy and had some difficulty remembering what had happened. It felt like he'd been away, although that was obviously not the case.

In fact, Ron had not been asleep for much longer at all, he had slept another half an hour at most. As he moaned with disdain, he spun around in his bed to notice a figure hunched over him.

"Holy Jesus," he screamed wildly, punching out and striking the figure in the face. The figure fell back, a streak of red colliding with the wall.

"Bloody hell Ron! That hurt, you damned prick!"

Ron's eyes widened. He was staring down at himself, dishevelled and bruised around the eye. A golden chain hung from his neck.

"You? Me? But… what? What is this, how do I oxygen," began Ron, babbling incoherently. The Ron on the floor picked himself up and flipped Ron off with an obscenely rude gesture.

"You prat, I'd forgotten about that. No wonder I was so pissed off, that damn well hurt!"

"How is this possible," gasped Ron before closing his mouth with sudden realisation, "Oh wait, it's the time turner isn't it? I guess this means I found it."

"Good guess," spat future Ron, "I'm glad to see we aren't complete idiots. Because I was really starting to question that."

"What do you mean?" quizzed Ron confusedly.

"Spoilers you dick," Ron replied smugly, "If I tell you it won't happen because you'll be stupid and try to stop it. I know I would. And I'm you so I'm more qualified than anyone to say you don't need to know what every vague and cryptic thing I slip out means."

"Calm down, what's got you so pissed off?"

Future Ron frowned, eyes narrowing short-temperedly, "Hey dumbass, maybe it's got something to do with the fact you just punched me in the face!"

"Oh whatever, I can't believe I'm being such a tool about this. I could really use some help with the contract. Do I finish it successfully?"

"I'm not done yet am I," scowled future Ron, "Why do you think I'm here? We've got important stuff to do together; you think this is a pleasure trip?"

"Pleasure trip? What, are we going to experiment with time travel to have sex with each other and ourselves," laughed Ron flippantly, "Take our own virginity as it were?"

"We'll get to that in a minute," said Ron in a grim tone, "As much as I've been looking forward to reliving that experience, there's other stuff we need to do first."

"You're joking right?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

Ron felt a trail of sweat roll down his neck.

"Oh come on, we've thought of some depraved things before but- come on! Really?"

Future Ron smiled, "Come on dude, I know you're going to start touching our junk soon. It's already happened. It's a fixed point in time; we need to do it to prevent a paradox."

"It just seems… sort of… desperate? I mean, would that even count as sex or would it be masturbation?"

Future Ron stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"Bloody hell," they swore in unison.

Future Ron smiled, "Ha-ha that's hilarious. I can sort of see why they included that in the contract. You sound freaking adorable."

"Stop hitting on me dude," flinched Ron, "This is really sort of weird and creepy."

"Oh come on, you know we love it. If we don't pleasure ourselves, no-one else will. I haven't even got that kiss from Hermione yet. And I'm pretty sure this self-love is less pathetic than the time we masturbated to the Fat Lady."

"Bloody hell, don't remind me about that. It was third year, we were just starting out with- what am I even saying? Why are we talking about this?"

"Well maybe I'm just messing with you," smiled Future Ron, "but we both know I wouldn't joke about something like this. Besides, how else will you earn this Time Turner?"

Ron's eyes lit up, and he stared at his future self's chest.

"You got the Time Turner? How?"

"I can't tell you where or the idea will become paradoxical. Although I suppose giving you the Time Turner to retrieve it earlier in the timeline is already paradoxical in a way. But just think, the Fat Lady wasn't the only object of our affection in the third year. Think of the others and I'm sure you'll put two and two together. I'm sure because I already have."

"Hermione?"

"Bingo."

Ron stroked his chin, pondering the problem.

"Bloody hell," said both Rons.

"So, I should go back in time, steal Hermione's Time Turner and give it to Fred after first instructing, or guiding, myself to do so?"

Future Ron nodded, reaching under his shirt and drawing out the chain. He placed in on the bed rest and sprawled himself next to Ron of the present.

"Very clever. But you've still got to get it on with all this to get the gold. You're sort of like my bitch in that way. So lube up that hand and get to work."

"I feel like I'm starring in a very depraved work of erotic fiction," stuttered Ron nervously, "I can't believe you would… that I would do this to myself."

Future Ron laughed, "Trust me, when you're the Ron on this end of the hand job, you'll feel the sweet, sweet sensation of revenge. And it feels good."

Ron stared at the increasing bulge in Future Ron's trousers.

"I think I'm going to lock the door."


Neville trudged back resignedly to his dormitory. He had had a shitty morning. He had spilt his cereal bowl down his front and got the most inappropriate boner when Luna had bumped into him twice in the hallway.

He couldn't know for sure whether she had known but those wide, disconcerting eyes had ogled him judgementally for a lengthy period after they had made it out of the hallway.

All he wanted was to go back to his dormitory and take a cold shower. However as he reached the door, he found it locked. He banged loudly on the door and pressed his ear against the wood.

"Oi! Let me in, I need to get a towel!"

He heard gasps, a loud thump and the rustling of bed sheets. Footsteps trailed to the door and it swung ajar a fraction. Ron's head peered around the door and tossed a towel out to Neville.

"Ha-ha terrible timing Neville," laughed Ron nervously, "here's your towel, now piss off, I'm… busy."

Neville's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"What were you doing in there?"

Ron's eyes darted around, searching behind Neville. Seeing no-one else around, he met Neville's eyes again.

"None of your business. You don't want to know. Just… give me a minute."

"It's not the Fat Lady again is it?" grimaced Neville with disgust.

"Get lost Neville," swore Ron viciously, slamming the door in Neville's face.

Neville rolled his eyes and sauntered off to the shower. My God, that Weasley could go at it!


Ron turned back to see a naked future self sprawled across his bed, smiling facetiously.

"Maybe you should have asked him to join?"

"You're enjoying this aren't you," asked Ron incredulously, "I can't believe it. Everyone's taking a shot at me even myself. When I'm you, I am going to make you pay for this. Just you wait til it's my turn."

"Go screw yourself. Oh wait, you just did!"

Ron snatched the Time Turner and his clothes. He quickly pulled on his attire and turned to face the wall.

"Yeah well, we'll see whose laughing once I go get the Time Turner and come back here and sodomise you!"

He spun the Time Turner and vanished back into the third year. Future Ron sighed.

"What a dick."

To Be Continued…