DISCLAIMER: Nope. Still don't own Homestuck.
== DAVE: Accept this new challenge
Jegus.
You… you honestly can't comprehend what the fuck you are watching at this very moment. Your boyfriend, English and Harley… basically dressed up like war movie wannabes, yeah, makeup, army clothes, black marks under the eyes and all.
Screaming like maniacs. Scaring the fuck out of old people. In the ugly-out-of-season-cheap-for-sale-section.
…
…
Huh.
Sounds about right.
Gog… why are you here again? Oh yeah, your derpy boyfriend seduced you. Of course.
Anyway this had been going on for a good ten-fifteen minutes or so… You were growing quite bored around now… You wandered why no one had called security yet –
"HEY! HEY YOU KIDS OVER THERE!"
You watch as the trio bolt out of their respective clothes circles, grinning like manics, before racing off in opposite directions to escape security. And you… you honestly can't believe you befriended these people… there was something wrong with you when you befriended them over pesterchum….
THERE. WAS. SOMETHING. HORRIBLY. YET. IRONICALLY. WRONG. WITH. YOU.
By the way Rose is face-palming beside you, she must be having a similar thought process. "You still think this was a good idea Lalonde?" you ask plainly.
"No. When did I ever say it was?"
"Point taken."
There is a silence amongst the both of you as your… 'Guardians'… have some good old-fashioned-best-friend-bickering a few feet away.
"Strider."
"Yeah?"
"Why don't we make a bet of sorts?"
"The stakes?" you say with a smirk.
"You win, I'll pay for your apple juice expenses for the rest of the summer, our senior year, AND college – my PHD years included."
You whistle. "You're diggin' your self a grave lil' sis. You sure you can dish out what your offering?" seriously, you go through a good two or three gallons of apple juice a day, this bet is a bit out of Lalonde's league.
She smirks right back, "Of course I can, remember who you're talking to Dave Strider."
"Oh really? This is just too good to be true, what hell fire will come down upon me if you win?"
"I am allowed to enlist as your personal shrink. Legally AND personally. For life." Piercing purple eyes burn calculatingly into yours for a long time.
You take the time to think this shit over.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life under the scrutiny of Lalonde? Never getting a moment to yourself, having to have her analyze all of your feelings AND have herself backed by the legal system…?
Or free apple juice for a decade?
…
You decide to ask what the bet is before being hasty…
"Its very simple really, in the midst of this challenge, we will see which one of us will be kicked out of Wal-Mart the most. Whoever loses gets to dish up on their end of the bargain. So Strider…" she says holding out a hand, "deal?"
"You know it." You take the extended hand and shake on it, wondering what you had just gotten yourself into.
Luckily, before you can dwell on this decision further, Egbert and his ecto-siblings come bounding back over to your group with proud grins on their now clean faces.
"You all did so well!" Said Jane with a smile, "What an elaborate act of pranking shenanigans!" … Huh… must be an Egbert-Croker-Harley-English-fuck-it-they're-all-related-anyway-thing…
Then, the four chat for a while just sort of… trading pranking techniques…? You aren't very sure; you tuned them out after the first two or so sentences.
Finally Rose cuts in to ask John what is next on the list, "Oh, lets see… 8. Go into the dressing room, wait a few minutes, then yell "THERES NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!" That sounds fun! Why don't you try it Dave?"
"I refuse. I am a Strider. Striders are emotionally obligated to have two voice octaves. This one I'm speaking in here and dishing out sick rhymes and beats. Shouting is not the Strider way. Translation? All of you fuck off."
Everyone turns to your Bro, who crosses his arms and points a thumb your way, "Didn't you hear Lil' man? It's not the Strider way."
"Oh come off it Dirk!" Roxy grins, slapping your Bro on the back… you can't believe you still aren't used to this whole 'all of your guardians are BFFs' thing… "Lighten up will you? Damn you raised a real fucked up kid."
"Really? And like Rose turned out any better."
"I'm a wonderful mother!" Roxy says with a smirk, downing her tequila.
"… How in the world was she cloned from you anyway?"
"Ecto-biology my sexy Strider."
"Maybe she gets her highlighting traits from me?"
Roxy sticks her tongue out at Bro, "And her absolutely gorgeous looks of course come from me."
"So by that logic, Dave gets his stupid from you?"
"I'm not stupid, I'm just extremely intoxicated. Besides, at least I can keep my wits and composure about me when I'm drunk."
"It scares me to think that you can say all of this with a straight face."
You cannot believe they are having this conversation in front of you.
You cannot believe you are listening to them have this conversation in front of you.
John gives your shoulder a reassuring pat. This only succeeds in making you wish for a swifter death sentence. "Lalonde, you know what, fuck it. I want to get kicked out of here as quickly as possible."
"Agreed." She replies immediately.
"So I'll just do the damned challenge." Everyone stops.
"You will?" John asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Sure, why the hell not?" you mutter, heading off to the male dressing rooms.
When you arrive, a pierced up emo part-timer looks up at you with a questioning look, as you hold no clothes in your arms like the previous others before you. You boldly walk into dressing room four and wait a couple minutes – just reflecting on how much your life BLOWS.
"THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE." You say loudly cupping your hands around your mouth to make the sound travel. A few more minutes pass before you walk out with your hands in your pockets. The emo kid's eyes are wide as saucers as he watches you go.
"It's alright. I found some." You state for good measure. Then, you stop and look back, remembering something awesome. "Oh, and I almost forgot." You take a mint candy from your back pocket and toss it in his general direction (hey, he catches it at least…)
"Cheer up emo kid."
A/N: Bring on the flames for that one liner. I eat them for breakfast. 3BD
