DISCLAIMER: I-I'm TOO AWESOME to own Homestuck! Y-Yeah, totally tots awesome… *sobs in emo corner*


== DAVE: Resist the kicked puppy eyes


"9. Get a batman costume, put it on, and run around the store screaming at the top of your lungs, "COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!" … No way, man I am not doing this shit. Fuck you. Fuck America. And fuck Marvel. I refuse to do this shit, especially with my Bro. Fuck that shit."

"DAAAAVVVVEEEEEE…"

"No."

"But –"

"So help me Egderp, domestic violence laws be damned, I will bitch slap you with my ring finger; get that piece of shit robin costume away from me."

"… First of all, you don't even wear rings Dave, and we aren't even married."

Yet.

But you opt not to voice this thought aloud. "No. Do it with English, you two would make more sense."

Egbert pouts, taking on that kicked puppy look of his before nodding and heading off to the boys restroom, "… Alright if you're sure Dave…" dear Gog you wish he'd stop looking at you like that.

"Yeah, yeah…" you give your Bro a long look as he stares after an equally downtrodden English. You attempt to send a: Don't even think about it,vibe. His soft spot for English is not going to be your downfall damn it. You have to live in this city (well… not anymore, you live with John, Jade, and Rose in Washington now…but). You still have a reputation to uphold.

Thankfully, your Bro seems to come to the same conclusion and looks off to the side nonchalantly. One of the many reasons you hate the game was that the game was what had pushed your Bro and English together in matrimony. (Pffft… what, what's with that look? Did you fucking stutter? Nope, honest to Gog truth up in here, these two are officially engaged, going to tie the knot in Vegas in a few months as a matter of fact.)

"Hey Dave, how do I look?" you nearly jump as you glance up to see Egbert.

Right. In. Your. Face.

Nice.

"How do you look in what…" you trail off. The sight of Egderp in candy red tights with an equally tight Robin costume… you may never get this chance again so you burn the image into your brain to study in detail later. Preferably at a private time. A happy time.

Ahem.

Moving right along…

You look over to see your Bro slamming his head into a nearby pillar with a worried English and Jane attempting (and failing) to hold him back. Roxy giggles like a manic as she holds her stomach in laughter.

You crack a smile yourself, "Not so cool now Bro."

Suddenly a hand is set on your shoulder, a chill over takes you as you turn to see…

HOLY MARY-JEGUS-JOSHEPH TAPPDANCING MoThErFuCkInG CHRIST – oifghadicmLmsafumsdhfuIjdifgamsduhxfiuLaixmhdao8izkoskCoihmxsuioKZAiuxhuioajzzkzioadjLiozsidoplasdiojkx

You inwardly scream your head off at the puppet's offending face, the only indication of your freak out being the rapid twitching of your right eye behind your shades. Your head whips around to your Bro, who is being consoled (…ish-ed…) by Roxy into stopping his whole "heading pillar" quest – yep you're still not used to the fact that your Bro and Lalonde's mom are human equivalents to moirails… In fact, you're pretty sure you never will. But the dick is staring RIGHT THE FUCK at you, how do you know this? It's simple really, years of living with the bastard births a well-polished veteran.

You then proceed flip him the bird.

"Alright! Are you ready to do this mate?"

"As I'll ever be!" John replies with a grin.

With that exchange they're off… swooshing their capes and screaming heroics at the tops of their lungs.

"COME ROBIN! TO THE BATMOBILE!" yells English as they both run straight through the front of the store, past the likely dumbfounded security, and around the entirety of Wal-Mart.

Something of your best interest occurs to you in this moment as they run past your group again. You resourcefully take out your phone from your back pocket and begin recording.

… Stop that glaring right now; wouldn't you people do the same in this situation?

Indeed, revenge would be so sweet. Just like your boyfriend's, sweet, sweet, candy red ass.


"Lalonde, I believe this is your call." You say with a smug smirk.

Her mouth twitches a bit as she regards you coolly, "Of course Strider, as you would say… 'Bring it on'."

"11. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?""

You had all already gone about number ten – Hide between clothing and then jump out and yell "PICK ME" – which Harley readily accepted and of course various shenanigans and another run in with security followed this.

Long story short, Harley was most likely waiting outside in the car brooding right about now. Shit. How'd she get kicked out before you?

But moving right along… you found it high time you watched Rose make a fool out of herself.

You and the remainder of your friends watch from afar as Rose skims through the young adults' section, specifically near the front desk. Sure enough, one of the employees stride up to her with a plastic grin on her face.

"Excuse me Miss, but would you happen to need some help?" even her voice sounds fake.

Rose sighs and draws in a breath, looking like she was heading off to the gallows, "Why… please, tell me why…?" damn, her voice even cracked on that note, impressive, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" she fell to her knees in a sobbing mess as the employee looked on, horrified. Looking left and right (most likely hoping the manager wasn't around).

"U-Uh… um…"

Rose then stands up. Brushes herself off. And walks back over to where your group is watching.

Like a BOSS.

"Convincing." You say with a whistle, "Kanaya must be having every troll's wet dream right about now."

"Mother is a useful specimen to behold when she's gone past her 'limit'." You notice Lalonde disregards the comment, you should probably think up some new material soon.

"I see, so she's a sad drunk once she goes past the twelfth tequila mark?"

"Now you're getting it Strider."

Your Bro flips open his phone, and English looks over his shoulder then grins, "This one sounds fun!"

"What is it…?" Jane asks, curiously raising an eyebrow.

"Ahem… 12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men."

Well that sounds like a significantly pointless and ironic way to waste your time.

Oh well, you're stuck here so you might as well help out.


A/N: … O . o… I… I just spent an hour or so in the Naruto and Shugo Chara sections… NEVER AGAIN. BACK TO HOMESTUCK AND HETALIA, QUICKLY, QUICKLY THESE CATEGORIES OBVIOUSLY HAVE THE BEST FANFICS. So many OCs… horrible OCs… so may WEEOBOOS… No, not in the good way… the horrible way… the EVIL way… *shivers* WHY DON'T THESE PEOPLE USE FUCKING SPELLCHECK? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME! *has a mini freak out*

It saddens me that such great animes have such SUCKY fanfic writers (including myself, but at least I have the decency to check over my crap!) But, its always good to think "Hey, at least my writing's above THAT person. That's about three years older than me." No matter how conceited it may seem we all think it.

Oh, and in case you all haven't figured it out already... sexual innuendo is sorta my stick. :/ it... totally isn't my fault, it just, enters my fanfics without me noticing. 0_0 Expect a shitload. Again, just a fair warning to those dudes that clicked this FULL WELL knowing there was (minor pffft) pespicola in the summary. FOR SHAME.

Anyway time to answer a question to a particular anon!

anonomyusFictionist: It depends lol… My Hetalia alerters probably don't want more Homestuck in their inbox O . o… But I may start to write one if enough people request it =).

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Review and tell me that this chapter wasn't too boring. =)