DISCLAIMER: I don't own Homestuck. I will inform you all with TEARS OF mOtHeRfUcKiNg JOY when I suddenly do.
== DAVE: Analyze feelings
You watch as English and Harley arrive back to your group's little furniture meeting space. Both their faces are split into wide grins, green eyes sparkling like lame ass Twilight Vampires as he sets her down on the couch next to Jane.
In this moment you can clearly tell they are related.
Your Bro walks over and perches on the arm of the comfy chair you are sitting in. Creepy. Why? Because normally he would stand, like the badass he is with his arms crossed over his chest. Not this gay shit… wait… this also could mean something else entirely.
… Gog you hope you're wrong…
You scoot over begrudgingly as he looks at you pointedly. He squeezes in next to you. Then – before you can even blink – you're on his fucking lap.
You,
A seventeen year-old boy,
Are sitting on your Bro's,
A twenty-six year-old man's (though he doesn't quite look it…)
Lap.
Now let's play a game… WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-WRONG-WITH-THIS-PICTURE?
Your right eye begins to twitch. "Bro."
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Bro, what the fuck, just… seriously Bro, What. The. Fuck."
"Ya seemed lonely Lil' Man."
"Let me up."
"Not until you stop glaring at your future brother-in-law." You… you wear glaring…? Huh. No wonder English kept on stealing glances in your direction.
"Let. Me. Up." You grind out, struggling to sit up right (and failing… but you refuse to admit that).
"What is your beef with my best bro/fiancé anyway?"
"Fuck you." You all but snarl, you have officially lost your cool in a span of three minutes. Wow. It had been a while since Bro had irritated you this much… it should have stayed that way. "So help me I will strife your ass. Right here. Right now. I WILL make it happen Bro. Right in the middle of this Wal-Mart, I will kick your ass-pirating ass. "
A scoff, "Like you could Lil' man… now answer the question."
You grind your teeth, "I. Don't. Have. Shit. With. Him. Happy? Let's move on."
"Oh please, I can feel you glaring holes into the backs of our heads, now what's the issue?"
"I. DON'T. HAVE. AN. ISSUE. Jegus Bro, do we have to do this now?" Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Rose. Son of a bitch, fucking Rose Lalonde was watching this shit go down. You did not want to be pestered for tentacle therapy damn it!
"AHEM. Dirky~ we've all got shit to fuck up, if you havenezzzs... uh… what was the word…? Haven't, forgotten. Nobody is interested in your stupid attempts in being a father."
"Go screw John and Croker's dad."
Roxy's jaw dropped. "Ah- AH- HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?"
"Holy shit. I was right?"
You glance over in John's direction to see Jade rubbing his back in soothing circles (damn, you'd be pretty disturbed to…) In light of your boyfriend's sanity, you flip open your cellphone and pull up the list. "16. Randomly place twenty four bags of condoms in people's carts and 17. Go up to an employee and in a official tone say "code three in house ware" and see what happens."
"I haven't done anything yet so I guess this one's mine." Says your Bro turning away from your indignant ecto-mom… why did you just think that…?
"Good luck Strider." Says English with a smile, (damn, he was practically glowing… you wonder why, but think about it for a while and decide you'd rather not know…) giving you a nervous glance when you grimace. Bro gives you a slap upside the head and pecks him on the cheek for good measure.
Just as you are about to flick him off, John gives you a peck on the cheek – setting your shades askew.
…
Again, your tits are chilled. You cannot say the same for your cheeks though.
Your Bro is fucking awesome.
No if, ands, or buts. Anyone who said otherwise would get their ass kicked by your said big brother, and every bone broken in their bodies by yourself. Flash stepping back and forth from the condom isle, and placing twenty-four bags into the carts of poor unsuspecting pedestrians. Did you use the word epic? No? Your Bro is fucking epic. The very definition of cool.
This contradicts what you said earlier, but you are not talking about his shitty personality right now, now are you?
After the shelves are empty and a symphony of girlish screams of horror, accompanied by rushed explanations your Bro saunters back over to your group and sits down beside your...
Future. Brother-in-Law…
Jegus. That actually hurt. That physically hurt for you to think.
What was your deal with English anyway?
You weren't completely sure… was it your childish need to keep your Bro to yourself – like sort of like all those various crappy-ass movies where Kid A hates Adult B for "stealing" his or her certified guardian from them that's been their only role-model in their life for who knows how long… or it could just be that he shares a last name with that undying demon lord that was hella hard to kill.
Could be that.
Or a mixture of both.
You aren't quite sure. But English still pisses you off.
Pfft… Brother-complex? What the fuck are you reviewer talking about?
"Dave. You are glaring again…"
"Shit. Really?"
"Yeah…" you close your eyes and draw in a… Deep. Breath. There, all better. You train your eyes on a nice. Comfortable. Wall.
"Is anything wrong Strider?"
"As I recall Lalonde I'm not required for tentacle therapy until this bet ends."
"No, no, this isn't tentacle therapy, this is genuine worry that you are going to spontaneously combust. I would prefer not to have to sweep up your ashes."
"I'm fine. Jegus. Anyway, I'm doing the next one I guess." You stand from your chair and stretch.
"Really now?" she says raising an eyebrow.
You roll your eyes and head over to an average looking collage-student-here-for-the-summer employ chick, brown hair, brown eyes, blank bystander look – possibly single due to the depressive air that seems to cling to single people – namely, Jade and Jane (who may or may not be with Roxy, you can never quite tell…)
She takes one look at you and her jaw drops as she hurries to smooth out her hair and slap on a flirtious smile.
You grimace, Gog, let's just get this shit over with… "There's a code 3 in house ware." You say nonchalantly.
She smiles dumbly and flips her hair. "Mmhum… Hey cutie, what's your name? I'm Amanda…" Did she even hear you?
Yep, she was definitely coming onto you. Shit, being a hot piece of Strider ass sure was difficult at times. Too bad your boyfriend was way more adorable than this bitch, otherwise, you would've considered hitting that.
"Sorry… Amanda was it? Not interested." You state immediately, but she attaches herself to your arm. Son of a –
"Come on… take my number?"
"I'm screwing someone else."
She pouts – again, Egbert's is way cuter, "Aw, but can't you give me a chance."
"I play for the other team, sorry chickie." Not a complete lie, you were bi but she didn't need to know this fact.
"We can change that…" Desperate. Shit. She was the desperate type.
Losing your patience you open your mouth to give a snarky – ironic – reply when… shit. John.
He yanks you away from her – since when was he this strong? – And glares straight at her. Just. Glares. For about thirty seconds. Do you know how long thirty seconds is? You aren't sure… it feels like an hour. But after a moment she glares right back… are these two having a silent argument? Over you?
For the first time you can't think of anything ironic to say, shit, the tension is suffocating…
Then, abruptly, she stalks away grumbling under her breath and John jerks you back to the furniture section and shoves you down on the couch, then, he sits in your lap.
There is silence.
"… John?"
"Yeah Rose?" you cringe; his mood did a complete 180… you look around as everyone has equal uneasy looks. It isn't often that the Heir of Breath gets pissed. But when he does… best not be in his way.
Hey, at least he bounces back quick.
Lalonde hesitates then shakes her head, "Never mind, but you want to read the next number?"
"Oh? Sure! Okay…" he skims his phone, "Uh… 18. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department."
"Oh! Oh! Can I do this?"
"Sure thing Nepeta!"
…
…
…
Wait a second… Wait a second… Wait a goddamned second. Pause. Rewind. Fast-forward. And Freeze.
What the flying fuck?
A/N: Sorry I didn't update yesterday guys! I… fell asleep… for… about twenty hours… yeah… :/… I wasn't even sick.
But moving on! Yes. Believe it or not this story has plot! =D… Well… subplots… but still totally plots! XDD Anyway, if you guys want to drop requests for numbers you are quite welcome to. Here is the list I'm using:
http: / / .com / fun / 333-ways-to-get-kicked-out-of-wal-mart-this-is-funny / blog-202553 /
If I like the request I just may take you up on it ;)… if you get rejected =D… It means I can't write it due to my failure as an FN writer…
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Review and put a smile on my face. 0_0
