DISCLAIMER: I'm not even OLD enough to have copyright over anything, let alone Homestuck.


== [INTERMISSION] DAVE: Attempt to Analyze feelings with Bro


You sigh as you rub your temples, eye clenched shut. Jegus. All you wanted to do was drop John and everyone else off at their hotel they were all staying at (because OBVIOUSLY you and Bro's apartment couldn't house eight people…) go home, and (ironically) watch My Little Pony Friendship is Magic.

You know – like bros do.

… But no. Who had ended up walking home with the two of you? John and English – son of a…! Not that you minded John, John was all right, John could sleep with you. But English…

No.

Fuck that shit.

Fucker needed to sleep on the fucking couch; you REFUSED to listen to those two go at it all night – or worse yet, talk about… Jegus… feelings with the two of them (and Egbert) double-teaming you… and now dinner had just ended, Nepeta had been forcefully carried to the tranport. Bro eyed you with that same – Strider – look from earlier. The Prince was waiting.

Your shit was wrecked.

"So, Lil' man…"

"I'm going to bed early." You say, standing and making a move for the door; however, your Bro is in front of you in seconds. You groan.

"Oh no you don't Lil' man. We are going to sit here, and we are going to ironically talk like pussies over our feelings like family is supposed to." He gives you a smirk.

"Fuck off Bro."

"No can do 'Davey'."

"So help me Gog, I will strife you right here, right now Bro. Now get out of my way." You cross your arms and stand up straight, damn, even now you were only up to the asshole's chin.

In a flash you are suddenly sitting on the couch – sitting next to English, who gives you a friendly smile. You return this with a blank look as you look off to the side in irritation.

"Bro, what the fuck are you doing."

"We are all going to sit down. Like the civilized fucks that I know we aren't…"

"Geeze, English has you whipped." You mutter, "I thought Striders beat the shit out of each other to convey feelings. But obviously my boyfriend's ecto-dad has my Bro whipped, he's gone softer than whipped cream left out to – wow this is already turning out gay… Should I continue with this messed up metaphor or should I abscond? Meh, I pick abscond." you make a move to flash step to the hallway.

Bro yanks you back by your collar, effectively choking you (oh yeah, that's GREAT parenting right there Bro.) And shoves you roughly back onto the couch next to English. You allow yourself a growl this time, no, really, you are currently searching your strife deck for your shitty swords bitches. Dave Strider is going to strife this fuckers ass –

A hand clutches yours (Gog damn it…) and John smiles at you nervously. "Please calm down Dave… for me?" he whispers as he beams straight at you. You feel your cheeks grow warm as you stare down at him for a long moment.

For the third time in twenty-four hours your tits are chilled. And you wonder, how the fuck does Egderp of all people have you whipped?

"Done being a pussy Lil' man? Great. Now what's been buggin' ya. Ya see? I ain't fakin' my accent no more. This is how serious an' unironic I'm bein' right now. Ya've been actin' weird since me an' Jake started datin'. Now tell me what's up Lil' bro." his Texan accent is thick. Way thicker than yours is when you stop hiding it. It can be annoying as fuck to not let them slip at home. But unfortunately, your Bro is a fucking dick. So due to Strider bullshit training, you had to keep it up. All. The. Time. To the point were it became nature.

But we aren't talking about unironic Texan accents now are we?

"I ain't no pussy. And stop being a considerate older brother. Talk fucking normally, or wait… nothing about you is even moderately normal… well, just talk like you usually do. This family meeting bullshit already is giving me a headache as is."

Bro shrugged and sat down on a chair across from you. "Yeah, yeah. I got it Lil' man. Yankee accent it is happy?"

"Ironically."

He smirked, "That's my man." He ruffles your hair and you allow yourself a small smile (the ones reserved for Egbert and your Bro only.

To their credit, John and English looked slightly confused by this exchange but decide to brush it aside you suppose, since they don't question it.

"Now what's your deal with my future wifey?"

"I'm not the wife."

"Shut up, yes you are English. We all know you're the uke." Whatever the hell that means.

"I am not! You're the uke sometime as well ol' champ! Remember that time in the woods…"

"Damn it Jake, what did I say about never speaking of that again. We don't fucking speak of it. We never speak of that time." … You decide you don't want to know what a uke is.

"This why."

Your Bro raised an eyebrow, "And you don't argue like this with John-boy over there?"

"No, fuck, I mean, that's not what I meant."

"Wow Dave, Roxy's right, I really fucked up in raising you if you're not smart enough to be able to put your thoughts in to a couple fucking sentences. Maybe you do get your stupid from her…"

"Fuck you Bro, we rarely have conversations over three minutes; cut me some fucking slack – and don't you dare go there, don't you dare go into this ecto-biology bullshit now. It already fucks with my head now, I don't need it to do more."

He nods and waits for me to continue. "Go on."

"… Okay." Metaphor… metaphor… ironic metaphor… "… Aw fuck… I can't do this… fucking –"

Bang!

Suddenly, your vision is obscured by grayish smoke before you can finish your sentence, "Come on…" John whispers grabbing your hand, though you can't see this action… like, at all… Before you can even take the time to close your mouth, you and John are sprinting down the hallway and to your room. He closes and locks the door.

By the way, you are still processing as to what the hell just happened.

Your eyes are wide behind your shades but you amazingly keep your Strider face on. He just grins at you. "... Did you just use the smoke pellets for a chance to abscond?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"You didn't look like you wanted to answer." He explained with a shrug. "So I didn't want anyone to force you to – I know how much you hate talking about feelings."

You give your boyfriend a crooked grin as you scoff, "Then thanks I guess Egderp… But hell's still going to come to Earth tomorrow regardless…"

He raised and eyebrow, "… Um… why?"

"Because we've still gotta get kicked out of motherfucking Wal-Mart." You say as you plop down on your bed with a groan.


A/N: Pointless intermission time! 38D boy to I love trollin' you guys. But well… it has something to do with the fic… I guess. Heh, but don't be pissed at me~ Hey, at least the chapter wasn't up TOO late.

And to my faithful readers wondering when updates will be. Mostly daily, this may change later on when my mom volunteers me to teach little kids how to dance – the fuck? I can't dance for crap what makes her think… ahem… But times to stalk this fic for updates are six – midnight (Central timezone wise for those that live in like Cali and NY XD)

And again. I have found myself hating the Naruto fanfiction category D=… The stupid ones are stupid. Especially the ones that ENCOURAGE that shit damn it HBFIKDJSSDUIGBFOAPHD! *deep breath* I would rage at them and set those ten year-old brats straight – but I have no words. I don't want to waste a constructive review on shit that isn't salvageable and with advice that they ignore… :/ Not to mention I don't think I have the energy to get dozens of angry butt-hurt pre-teen replies in my inbox. Not worth it.

~End Rant~

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Reviews are much appricitated~ was this a good idea or a terrible one. Should it be done every once in a while or do you all prefer that everything take place in Wal-Mart? Give me feedback! I DEMAND IT!