4. This Is How You Destroy Me

So Yi Jeong,

Your letter is a few years too late. If you thought you could sweeten your words to move my heart after maintaining years of silence between us, you have sorely underestimated me. I have mastered the art of hardening this heart of mine, and it's all thanks to you.

Time is the essence in all that we do, and all that we are. It makes us, and it breaks us. You might have thought that this silence has broken me, but it hasn't. I find it sad that you'd think that I would still run back to you after all this time. It shows that you are stuck in the past, while I, have started to move forward.

I wish you the best in your life ahead.

Chu Ga Eul.

.

My heart is now a mere weight in my body that has become too heavy for me to bear.

Reading Ga Eul's reply was more than I could take. What made it worse was that she had written at the back of my letter to her, and sent it back to me. That wasn't just a stab to my heart; it was a plunge through it. Each of her words pierces me like a dart, and my open wounds are countless, endless.

I cannot accept this. This is not who she is, I cannot accept… her, being this way. I have to face this head on.

I grab my cell phone and start dialing her number from memory. I'm not sure I'd know what to say when she picks up, but this is what I need to do. I have to know why. As I hold the phone close to my ear, my heart is thumping so hard; it feels like it's throwing itself against my ribcage with every ring.

There's no response. It takes another two calls before the call is finally answered. Silence greets me instead. I do away with the formalities, and cut to the chase.

"How could you say all that to me?"

There is still silence on the other end, but I know she's there. I know she's listening, and she knows why I'm calling. I press on, trying to keep my voice from shaking more than it already is.

"Did you mean every single word, Ga Eul? Do you resent me that much? Is this really how you feel? Is this really what you think of me? Do you really think that I'm out to break your heart?"

It is then that she finally speaks, her reply curt and immediate. "No. I just want to break yours."

Her answer stuns me. This isn't the Ga Eul-yang I know. I try to hold back my astonishment, but it comes out as a quiver. "Wh-why would you want to break mine?"

"Just so you know how it feels like to be on the receiving end. Casanovas never get to experience what their conquests do."

"You are NOT a fucking conquest, Ga Eul-yang!" I spit out angrily, provoked by the audacity of her words. "Why the hell would you think that? Haven't I already told you what you mean to me? What will it take for you to believe me?"

I hear her suck in a sharp breath of air over the other line. Maybe I've finally pushed her into a corner. Her voice suddenly loses its curt tone, and her emotions begin to give way. "I-I will believe you when… when you actually start to mean what you say."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. So, this is how well she knows me, and apparently, vice versa. And all this time, I thought we were on the same page. It suddenly dawns on me that the Ga Eul I've kept so preciously in my heart all these years could just have been nothing more than a mirage, conjured up by my lonely self.

Our silence is interrupted by a bitter laugh emerging from my throat. If this is what being soulmates is supposed to be like, then I'd rather go back to not believing in it.

I've had enough. For once, I don't deserve this.

"Well," I said in my harshest, most sarcastic voice, "Congratulations, Chu Ga Eul. Whatever you're trying to do to me, whatever point you're trying to get across, you've won! You've done it! I hope you're happy now. Because if you've been bitter about how silent we have been, then guess what? You are going to become a bitter old woman because thanks to you, there will be an eternity of silence between us. You will never hear from me again. And I mean it." With that, I hurl my phone against the wall with all my might. It breaks into pieces on impact.

And so does my heart.